Friends don’t understand what it’s like being a police wife

[MammaMia86]

Does anyone else feel like their friends don’t understand what it’s like to be the wife of a police officer?
I am so proud of my husband and what he does and our family life works around his job. We have 3 children.
I find that friends don’t understand what it’s like to have to deal with shift work. If we arrange to catch up I need to check my husband’s shifts which I think irritates them and sometimes gets ignored. I don’t want to constantly ask parents to look after the kids as sometimes it’s nice to ask for babysitters so my husband and I can have some time out or away for a night.
Have found it to be a bit lonely at times times, I spend all my time with my kids (who I adore) and friends don’t realise how much you have to do when husband is on shift, you have to take care of everything! Your own work day, school runs, kids clubs, dinner, homework, baths, packing school bags, remembering who needs what! Obviously the load is lightened when the husband is off and he definitely pulls his weight around the house and with the kids. It’s hard to juggle family time, seeing extended family and seeing your own friends on weekends he has off as there’s not many of them!

Difference scenario as husband is long haul pilot so away from anything from 1 to 10 nights at a time, rotas published monthly in advance and no routine. Makes it very hard to plan things and constantly missing out on various things. Some friends just don't understand!

My ex is police and I am a nurse so you can imagine how fun that was in terms of working not clashing shifts etc. we also had 4 kids, so it could be tough. He worked in custody for a good bit before recently moving to an office job 9-5? Mon-Fri we still co parent closely and get on well but it was rough, kept back on shifts, in for court in rest days, cancelling annual leave it’s not overly family friendly at all!! Especially coupled with my shifts. We both work mon-Fri now too so enjoying weekends off and no shifts it’s bliss, do not miss scraping the car after a night shift or days without really seeing my kids. It gets better as they get older op, and jobs change so he won’t be doing the same thing forever I’m sure.

My dh travelled every week prior to Covid and when the kids were little and it was really tricky to juggle. I often hosted friends get togethers at my house as it meant no babysitting required but that came with its own challenges 😬.

This isn't Police specific though, it's shift work specific whether your partner works at a chicken processing factory, Police Officer, or Pilot youll have the same issues.

Plenty of other people you can meet whose partners do shift work or are single parents and arrange to meet at each others house to manage childcare rather than going out.

This is the case in many many houses. What about single mums too? I thought this thread would be about the emotional toll of being a policeman’s wife around risk. His shifts are a PITA but pretty normal life for a lot of families.

Lone parent. My friends are always happy to see my child. My babysitting favours are used up so I can work.

Sounds like you just need better friends tbh.

I am a police wife but I’m also a doctor and a mother and my time constraints revolve far more around every other part of my life than my husband being a police officer. It has always been this way, my friends are always understanding.

As others have said - not specific to police. Lots of folks work shift patterns or are lone parents.

you have built this up to be a huge thing when really it’s not. Paddle your own canoe and stop obsessing about others.

It is hard arranging life around shifts. My DH is police but he has now to moved to an office based role and works Mon - Fri 7-3 which is an absolute dream with young kids! When he was on response and CID it was really hard as you never knew if he would be home on time and when things kicked off I’d be really worried about his safety. It is slightly different to some shift work though as your finish time is rarely actually your finish time. DH was always kept on at the drop of a hat.

Yes its annoying, but not police specific, its all shift workers

It sounds pretty full on.

Can you invite friends round for a drink after the kids have gone to bed? Or arrange play dates?

similar in a sense with the security services, when depending missions etc

OP - is it your DH's shifts or your priorities that is causing your friends to raise eyebrows?

Like other PP DH and I both worked shifts with small DC and while it was tough, I used to arrange to see friends around my off duty - not DH's. Then I'd either find childcare or take the DC along.

It sounds a bit like you are checking with your DH to get permission - and your friends could be concerned about you.

This isn't specific to police. I was living with and in a relationship with a police officer when I was younger and I don't know if it's the same now but the shifts were planned quite well in advance but there was always the risk of him being late home due to an emergency or something.

My DH was working in banking when the DC were very young and I felt very trapped at times due to his long and unpredictable hours. I couldn't even commit to an evening exercise classes without paying a babysitter. We often came close to having to cancel holidays or he would have to join us later due to an important deal he was working on. He couldn't even attend his own 40th birthday celebration with his mates due to last minute unexpected work commitments. They haven't let him forget it and he's 54 now!

Our holidays were often interrupted by him having to take part in a conference call or him having to disappear to read a report or write one. I once threatened to throw his work phone out of the car window when I had to listen to him on the phone to colleagues and clients for hours while I was driving us down to Cornwall one evening.

I used to get really down about it but it got easier to deal with as the kids got older. I've got used to him having to take business calls or zoom meetings while we are on holiday now. It's just part of the job he has.

Factory workers do shifts, so do carers, nurses, airplane staff etc. so maybe it's the fact you keep talking about the police like it's so much more important and difficult than other jobs. Maybe your mates are just not interested in your husband and don't care what job he does?
They are interested in you. I wouldn't even ask or care what job my mates partner did.

I'm sorry I work shifts and both of us still make time to see friends. It's possible

Seems like it's easier than being a single parent.

Why do they need to understand, and I say this as a wife of a now retired police inspector. It make you self sufficient as you aren't always a pair in my opinion. Yes when you have a new born baby and they are on five consecutive nights so you are on your own and then have to be quiet all day that was hard but what's that got to do with your friends? Are they being nasty about you not being able to go out? It's not hard to understand is it, uniformed police officers do have an advantage, their shifts finish when they finish, not asked to stay on and if you don't want to attend a function you have the perfect excuse, oh we can't husband working and no babysitter. Look at the wins not the losses. Husband can also do the shopping in the middle of the week when it is quiet.

Usual caring MN responses then.

It must be hard if you want a social life but your other half has to drop everything at the last minute. My eldest DC is planning to go into the police, I'm trying to make sure he knows what he's getting into (good and bad!).

I am so proud of my husband and what he does and our family life works around his job

well perhaps your family world needs to stop revolving around him. Prioritise yourself for once.

Also, I wouldn’t be so proud having a partner in the police at the moment - I’d probably be a bit embarrassed

A lot of people aren’t wildly enthused by the police. And a lot of people work shifts or travel for work and the household just has to run on regardless without it revolving on the presence or absence of one member. I used to commute internationally for work, DH travels a lot these days. We have police friends, pilot friends, medic friends, shifting cleaner friends, delivery driver friends who do shift work — we all find it complicated, but it’s not a particularly anomalous position.

I lived with shift workers for years, first DH, then DS. It does impact on family life quite a lot. It's difficult to keep track of their days on and off work.
When they are on late shift you have to be quiet during the day so they can sleep. No evenings together on working days, as early shifts mean going to bed early and late shifts mean getting home at normal bedtime.
They always want their meals at different times to the rest of the family. You have to think of meals that can be easily reheated, or cooked separately.
If their fixed holidays are in term time, you cannot have a family holiday. They often cannot attend family events such as weddings.

I think that shift work is really quite common across lots of industries, so I'd be surprised if they all don't get it? It isn't unusual.

@Snatherwang

Completely, I wouldn't dream of telling anyone or admitting that I was married to anyone to do with the police. Embarrassment at the very least.

I do think that people can be a bit lacking in understanding of anything out of their norm. So if all your friends and their partners are in routine jobs, they won't necessarily get the extra organisation for the out of the norm families.

But to be fair....I've no idea how my friend juggles being a "dance mum" and the competition schedule! It looks exhausting.