Friends don’t understand what it’s like being a police wife

[MammaMia86]

Does anyone else feel like their friends don’t understand what it’s like to be the wife of a police officer?
I am so proud of my husband and what he does and our family life works around his job. We have 3 children.
I find that friends don’t understand what it’s like to have to deal with shift work. If we arrange to catch up I need to check my husband’s shifts which I think irritates them and sometimes gets ignored. I don’t want to constantly ask parents to look after the kids as sometimes it’s nice to ask for babysitters so my husband and I can have some time out or away for a night.
Have found it to be a bit lonely at times times, I spend all my time with my kids (who I adore) and friends don’t realise how much you have to do when husband is on shift, you have to take care of everything! Your own work day, school runs, kids clubs, dinner, homework, baths, packing school bags, remembering who needs what! Obviously the load is lightened when the husband is off and he definitely pulls his weight around the house and with the kids. It’s hard to juggle family time, seeing extended family and seeing your own friends on weekends he has off as there’s not many of them!

I think that's a bit uncalled for @Snatherwang. No need to be so nasty!

I do agree with other posters that this is not just police specific.

My DH was a DCI on the Major Crime Unit and would be gone for long periods of time. I just had friends over to visit me if I couldn't go out due to child care or my friends understood. You do seem to be making out this is something bigger than it needs to be.

Well thank god we don't all share your view!

I think that's a bit uncalled for . No need to be so nasty!

not nasty at all @Icequeen01. The reputation of the police has taken a battering, with murders, institutional racism and misogyny being exposed. The public opinion of them is at an all time low if you look at surveys like YouGov. So I’m suggesting maybe the op’s friends don’t put her husband on a pedestal, like she does, because of his job - and maybe they just don’t much care!

My husband is in the army and we have a 10 week old baby. Since going back from paternity leave, he's seen her for probably less than 30 minutes a day. He's passed out on the sofa for most of the weekend trying to catch up on sleep so I don't even feel like I can ask for help with the baby.

It's really hard and I understand!

And to add to that with the levels of domestic violence committed by male police officers - as someone upthread said, maybe they’re concerned she’s being controlled.

Fire fighter wife, we make the shifts work but I never ever stop worrying about him.

I'm well aware of that but to tar them all with the same brush is just plain wrong.

@Icequeen01 point out where I suggested that please?

You said you'd be embarrassed to be married to a police officer, assuming your imaginary police husband wasn't racist or a rapist or whatever, wouldn't your embarrassment at his profession basically be tarring him with the brush of the ones that are? You don't have to say something outright to imply it and you heavily implied it.

Police officer married to another police officer for 30 years, so I get it . With 5 kids the cost of childcare was going to be huge , so we worked opposite shifts for almost 15 years , and which meant that one of us was working every single days of the year. Holidays had to be booked 12 months in advance , and relatives got used to seeing only one of us at family do's because with less than 6-8 weeks notice, we just couldn't get the leave . The good side of it was that we each did all the tasks. Whoever was at home did all the house chores , school runs etc . There was no debating about who did more .

It's not easy.

My DH is police, I completely understand, socially its a nightmare trying to arrange anything required months of planning, even then is might all get cancelled if he has to work! To all those who would be embarrassed to be married to a police officer- those people in the news are a handful of bad apples that you see in all industries. There are thousands of decent officers working 50-60 hour weeks to make sure they are there when you call 999. Don't be so quick to judge the people who put their life on the line everyday.

Surely this is the case with all shift work, not specifically the police.

It's the part where you're planning your family life around your partner that could be the problem. I have a friend a bit like you, partner works shifts and she can't be out when he's working, can't be out late when he's working the next day because he'll be tired after caring for their children, has to cancel last minute if his shifts change etc etc.

I love her, and it's her choice and not my problem so I just enjoy her company when she can make it out. But it can come across that she's expecting our group social arrangements to revolve around her partner, too. And extra irony that we're mostly single parents so are used to managing childcare all by ourselves.

In your place I'd be asserting my own identity and independence. Find yourself a good babysitter instead of relying on an unavailable partner. Factor the cost in as part of the need to plan around him, if that makes it feel better.

Sounds like typical shift work. Why do you have to check all social arrangements with your husband? Can you not just get a babysitter if he happens to be working?

Are your friends unsympathetic to everyone who doesn’t live like them? Lots of people work shifts eg healthcare, retail so I don’t know why your friends are treating you like shit over it. Or are they the types who gave babysitters on tap and assume everyone else is the same? I’m a single parent who has had to decline offers because of no babysitter but there’s loads of people in the same situation so I would be baffled if judged by so called “friends”

If your post was about occupational risks then iota of people wouldn’t understand and are lucky not to.

How is this specific to police? It isn’t. Lots of people have shift work. Lots of people work away. I could never be married to a police officer, but it would be nothing to do with the shift hours…

Police wives think they are special. Same as the actual police officers do.

Police hours could be unpredictable though as if something crops up near the end of the shift they may have to carry on. Some other shift work may be similar but I assume most shift work has set hours.

When I had DS in the early hours of the morning I had a change of midwife at 6am

Both my parents did shifts. One parents shifts were very regulated and well planned, and the others were a lot more chaotic, with much more staying on after the shift ended.

I get the impression police shifts are a bit more towards the chaotic, and there is lots of leave cancelled at the last minute, which I imagine is harder for people to understand.

Not sure why specifically working for the police causes this issue - as with what other PPs have said, it's just shift work - and arguably, police shifts are more predictable than quite a lot of other shift workers.

One of my friends is married to a police officer - they also have children and my friend works too. When we arrange to meet up, she just works out what shift her dh will be on and then gives her availability based on that. It doesn't seem to be all that difficult for her - and certainly no more than anyone else with a partner who works rotating shifts.

Well I'm the shift worker. I agree, a lot of people who have never done shifts really don't get that you can't do certain evenings or weekends.

Horrible response.

The majority of police officers are good people, doing a very difficult job!

Lots of families work shifts. I agree it can be difficult to plan, particularly weekend and especially if the shifts run over or change.

We’re in a farming community which is essentially random shift work, so most people are very used to the fact that the work comes first.

How far ahead do you know his shifts? Either plan for when he’s not working, or arrange a babysitter. Can your friends not come to your house?

I’m sorry I couldn’t respect a woman who marries a policeman or a squaddie. It’s nice that you have pride in him and his career choice but for me it’s red flag territory.

@HappyPanda613 I hope you and some of the others on here don't ever need to rely on the police. You don't know what OP's DH does. He might be keeping you safe right now.
Other professions can also cause DV, be rapists etc.