Friends don’t understand what it’s like being a police wife

[MammaMia86]

Does anyone else feel like their friends don’t understand what it’s like to be the wife of a police officer?
I am so proud of my husband and what he does and our family life works around his job. We have 3 children.
I find that friends don’t understand what it’s like to have to deal with shift work. If we arrange to catch up I need to check my husband’s shifts which I think irritates them and sometimes gets ignored. I don’t want to constantly ask parents to look after the kids as sometimes it’s nice to ask for babysitters so my husband and I can have some time out or away for a night.
Have found it to be a bit lonely at times times, I spend all my time with my kids (who I adore) and friends don’t realise how much you have to do when husband is on shift, you have to take care of everything! Your own work day, school runs, kids clubs, dinner, homework, baths, packing school bags, remembering who needs what! Obviously the load is lightened when the husband is off and he definitely pulls his weight around the house and with the kids. It’s hard to juggle family time, seeing extended family and seeing your own friends on weekends he has off as there’s not many of them!

You inferred it and knew exactly what you were doing. This post is not about your thoughts on the police and has no relevance to this thread.

You said you'd be embarrassed to be married to a police officer, assuming your imaginary police husband wasn't racist or a rapist or whatever, wouldn't your embarrassment at his profession basically be tarring him with the brush of the ones that are? You don't have to say something outright to imply it and you heavily implied it.

I think I would be embarrassed I’d married someone who wanted to work in that kind of alpha male environment. And also a bit worried what my friends thought my choices said about me.

You do know that there are female police officers, don't you?

Its a good sign all is well in the country (I.e. no floods, riots, pandemics etc) as squaddies and police are all evil.
First sign of trouble they are geros again.

No, of course there aren't, there are only men, racists and rapists - don't spoil the narrative!

When the kids were little DH was almost constantly deployed in the navy. He was senior but that made it worse as no one else could do the job. It was a pain (understatement) being a single mum and working full time. I just got on with things, made easier by a well paid job and an au pair, and carved out my own routine. When he came back that was a whole new challenge…

He left when they were about 7&9 (and still works ridiculously hard…)

I think this is perfectly normal in a group of friends.
I know shift workers, people who travel, farmers, lone/single parents and all manner of other lives.
Friends accommodate each other. Sometimes people duck out of gatherings because they can't make it work for a period of time. It's just the ebb and flow of life. Good friendships will withstand these things.

@Snatherwang @Clariceamelia one officer doesn't make the whole force.
Sure there are issues that need to be addressed in the police but saying you would be embarrassed to be associated with people who put their lives on the line to keep the public safe is awful.

Make sure you don't bother calling them in an emergency then

The issues - are never ending. If only it was 'one officer'.

The police 'force' is a flawed but apparently immune from criticism organisation.

Institutionally racist, misogynistic, corrupt...bullying, abusive....on it goes. Even the odd rapist and murderer.

Putting lives on the line...to keep the public safe, occasionally, that's correct, but also very well rewarded with a security and authority that few others enjoy.

In my area, theft is ignored, burglaries are almost never attended. Almost pointless really, but I guess you can depend on them to pull you over for a dodgy brake light or indicator.

I remain embarrassed to be associated with them, and fortunately need have little to do with them.

If you have a different view, then good for you.

It's not just the shifts, it's rest days cancelled at short notice for court appearances, not knowing when they'll be home, the impact of the calls they deal with, only being able to take leave at set times, etc.

I find some friends get it more than others. Some just don't get why DH can't take a weekend or holiday when he wants. At least you know what they're working 9 months in advance, great for planning, not so much if something comes up short notice that they/you'd like to attend.

I haven't read all the replies, but see a trend of 'it's not just police, it's all shift workers'.

I disagree, they are basically always on call. For example, If you have a suspect circulated as wanted, and they are arrested - deal with it.

For example: my DH is in a Monday to Friday 9-5 police detective. This Wednesday gone, someone he had circulated as wanted was arrested Thursday AM, meaning he was needed in work 7am-9pm on the Thursday and Friday, oh AND had to work today as needed to take them to court for remand.

So I haven't seen him since Wednesday evening really ... 9-5 M-F my ass!

Add to that the constantly cancelled rest days... 😞

I am a doctor and do shift works and there are difficulties there too, but I am never required to drop everything like DH is (resulting in me then picking it all up).

The OP's issue is her belief that her friends don't respect her DH's job though, and that's not profession specific. In health, you must be used to people not understanding you working Christmas, weekends and bank holidays and not getting home on time. It goes with the territory, along with being late for every single social event.

I've also been there juggling 2 lots of shifts, on calls and on a few occasions when there were major incidents, not knowing which day DH would be home, never mind what time. I'd still make arrangements with friends though.

My sense here is that OP isn't willing to make plans without asking her DH. And that isn't just about his job or his shifts and her friends know that.

I really think you are making a meal out of nothing. Read the thread, most households are similar. Everyone juggles, for your work, Dh's work.

Looking at the title, I thought you were going to say you were worried about his life or something.

Lots of people work shifts. It's not that unusual. There are also single parents.

You were not a single mum though

True in a financial sense. But he was absent for 9 months from when DS1 was born. The pattern continued… he spent very little time at home or seeing the children when they were small. It was a minor miracle I got pregnant. There are absolutely parallels with the OPs situation. The lot of a force’s spouse is imho usually a lot tougher.

And to add to the above when he was underwater in a submarine I could send him about 30 words every 2 weeks (censored). He couldn’t reply. No phone calls. No emsils. So no not a single mum but you had to get on with it whether a social event (that you probs couldn’t attend) or a minor medical crisis with kids or yourself. I remember one horrendous night when I had bad D&V and had to breastfeed a 3 month old. Very glad those days are over.

This is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read 🙈 I met my husband before he joined the police. So you don’t respect me…? Maybe I should have broken up with him when he started volunteering with the police and not married him now he works for them …? 😆

Maybe you need new friends OP. Both my friends and family are incredibly understanding and usually check with me first as none of them/their husbands work shifts so it’s usually easier to find when I am available first.

What's the issue? Are you always insisting you dictate meet times around your dh schedule? If yes tge they probably do get fed up. When someone suggests a date instead responding saying need to check your husbands schedule. Just wait , ask him and then say yes I can attend or no I can't. Expecting others to jump for you isn't fair, but by the nature of your husbands job sometimes you can attend and sometimes you can't. Your friends should understand that.

one officer doesn't make the whole force @misssunshine4040 i assume you’re joking? Misogyny, racism and corruption have been found throughout the UK police force. I mean they admit it themselves it’s not hidden anymore.

‘You do know women are in the police too right’ the force are desperate to recruit women, but when they do they then tend to leave it within a few years. Because the force is inherently misogynistic. Just take a read of the second link here for a woman’s experience. It’s horrific.

I would not be proud of my husband being within an organisation like this. I’d be disgusted

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/jan/12/more-than-90-police-staff-were-found-guilty-of-crimes-last-year-data-shows

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/may/06/metropolitan-police-sexism-misogyny-year-special-constable

https://committees.parliament.uk/work/6865/policing-priorities/news/198334/hardhitting-measures-to-eradicate-toxic-police-culture-must-come-before-wider-change-possible-home-affairs-committee-warns/

I find the fetishising of the job really odd and I say that as the wife of a retired police inspector . But in the probably ten years before he retired I earned more than him so maybe that’s the difference. But I do find the „being proud“ really bizarre. Although I know some people in the police make it their whole personality. I don’t think my husband ever told anyone what he did. And not through embarrassment!