I dont normally do controversial threads but

[starshaker]

There seems to be a lot of people getting slated for being on benefits and being a lone parent. However whenever people post things about their dp/dh in relationships its full of people saying leave him. I was 1 of the people who kept being told to leave my H (cos he was a cheating arse). Since leaving i have had to rely on benefits to survive. I dont have family around to help with childcare and there are no childminders round here. So i am now a single mum on benefits and im also pregnant with twins (drunken mistake, but wouldnt change it for the world). Before i became a single mum i was at uni studying and working. But because i eventually decided i didnt deserve to be treated like crap i kicked him out.

Becoming a lone parent and relying on benefits is not an easy decision to make but i felt it was my only option for my own and my dd's sake

I will put my hat on and prepare to be told im a scrounger

i would like to say that to my daughters....but they can kind of see for themselves. they are older now and tell me how glad they are we left....even though we're not as well off as when with him

he threw it all away,not me....but when i left i took the posh tv that we had bought.....a 'benefit claimant with a widescreen tv' was made that day!

'however,whilst i was thrown onto benefits system HE was still in his full time job (we had 4 dc and had decided way back that i'd be a sahm)then the csa caught up with him!!'

clearly he is a scumbag
but you then chose to have another child without the financial means to support him/her
why?

He was many years ago. I have since had a dc with someone else. Gone full circle,work kept dropping hours til they were too low.... 14 hours......so am now back here. For now!

I do understand the frustation of 'working poor families'.
I also understand the anger towards the few who play the system and cheat.
But i think it is very harmful and dangerous to stigmatize single mothers. At the moment i am trying to support a good friend of mine who is leaving her dh after 15 years of sexual and emotional abuse. The sad thing is that she stayed so long because she was scared of the 'stigma' . She has a degree and a fairly good job btw. I 'll not go into details but she suffered truly shocking and sickening abuse. Her ds -an adorable 11yrs - has witnessed some of this and said something very sad the other day. It is ironic she didnt leave because she was brainwashed that dc brought up by LP are unhappy. Outside they were the perfect family. We are all in shock because we had no idea, we though they are happy.

Sorry for the big story but i think this is what OP means and i agree. Yes, maybe there is a single mother who gets paid by dm and heat to be photographed by her 42'plasma and my tax goes to it etc. But i don't care. There are 100 others like my friend and her boy whose stories aren't in DM. There are also 1000s of single women in their 30s with job and own house who would like to have dcs but have failed relationship. I was one of them. Luckily i met dh. What others suppose to do? Never have children? Or marry any abusive man in order to have dcs? The single mothers bashing is very dangerous and lives are sacrrifised in order to 'fit in the ideal society'.

I agree with nowherewoman.

Thank god there's a benefits system for people who genuinely need it. Very few mothers/fathers are single parents through choice. Loads have been left in that position or had to get out of a bad relationship.

Luckily we don't live in the 19th cent when mothers had to give up their children etc!

Just got to join in on this one...thank goodness that women continue to be irrasponsible and have babies in wartime, poverty, abusive relationships. Its not ideal but children are about hope and a future that we cannot plan. How many of us did not come from responsible planning but are bloody thankful to have lived. No, its no life of champagne on benefits but sometimes its the best option in the present circumstances. I have a low income plus benefits(in Germany, not UK!) and with 3dc work bloody hard to bring up the next generation. Fairydusty, what I don't understand about your moans is how do you know that such people "are just too quick to use their children or marital status not to work" ever been in their shoes for one day, do you know their full circumstances-no, so why generalise! Could it be your just feeling a little bit unhappy with your lot?!

I wouldn't judge you and think it's ok to be a lone parent on benefits. I admire lone parents (whether on benefits or not) and think they are often doing the work of two parents. The bloke who cleared off or isn't paying should be the one vilified or the people getting millions through tax evasion, NOT people on meagre benefits. Most lone parents work anyway and I am sure those who don't (yet) will probably do at some point or have a reason why they don't. caring for a raising kids is a very important job too.

Aligrylls'People who say that people in this situation could look for a job should remember that actually choosing to bring up your own children is in its own way, work. If you don't do it yourself you do have to pay someone else to do it for you.' Fabulous point.

fairydust you are annoyed by people who have children if they can't afford them without state help - on the other hand you use the tax credit system towards childcare
don't get your logic
it's like all animals being equal but some more equal than the others

Laquitar that's a very, very good point.

Everyone I know who is a single parent, stayed far too long in their relationships to their own and their children's detriment, because of the stigma. Even where it was obvious that they were flogging a dead horse, they were desperate to avoid becoming a LP because of attitudes like those on this thread. And that is not in women's or children's interestes.