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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I dont normally do controversial threads but

85 replies

starshaker · 12/05/2010 17:15

There seems to be a lot of people getting slated for being on benefits and being a lone parent. However whenever people post things about their dp/dh in relationships its full of people saying leave him. I was 1 of the people who kept being told to leave my H (cos he was a cheating arse). Since leaving i have had to rely on benefits to survive. I dont have family around to help with childcare and there are no childminders round here. So i am now a single mum on benefits and im also pregnant with twins (drunken mistake, but wouldnt change it for the world). Before i became a single mum i was at uni studying and working. But because i eventually decided i didnt deserve to be treated like crap i kicked him out.

Becoming a lone parent and relying on benefits is not an easy decision to make but i felt it was my only option for my own and my dd's sake

I will put my hat on and prepare to be told im a scrounger

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 12/05/2010 18:45

fairydusty I think that's a little harsh and extremely patronising.

Original poster

starshaker · 12/05/2010 18:47

I live in a small village in scotland. The nearest town is 10 miles away but that would mean taking dd out of nursery and she is happily settled after the upheaval of losing her dad and moving house

OP posts:

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 12/05/2010 18:48

'Those people who really do think it's ok to live off benefits and have no desire to change live pretty crappy lives I reckon. Hardly caviar and champagane is it?'

Exactly
but who suffers as a result?
the children

I have a boy in my class who shares a single bed with 2 siblings
his mother has a young baby
and is pregnant again

TheSteelFairy2 · 12/05/2010 18:48

My goodness there is some smuggery on this thread.

This constant assumption that single, pregnant woman are irresponsible and feeding of the state really sickens me. Probably about 1 out of 10 have kids outside of a relationship as a lifestyle choice, most of us just found ourselves there without having much to say about it.

Hope all this self righteousness doesn't come back to bite you on your arses.

BelleDameSansMerci · 12/05/2010 18:49

And if, like me, you are single parent receiving no benefits and working full time you can then enjoy being patronised and flamed by some (probably not many but it feels different when it's happening)happily married SAHMs. We can't win either way - you're a scrounger if you stay at home with your children and you're a neglectful parent if you go out to work full time.

pearlym · 12/05/2010 18:49

IMO - good thing we have benefits system, as we all need safety net, my mother was single parent of 2 of us.DO agree that prob best not to have more kids if on benefits, as extends time for which you are unable to work and get out of the safety net. There are many working people who make conscious decisions not ot have 3rd or 4th child for financial reasons.

But, good luck with the twins, you will have hands full!

BosomForAPillow · 12/05/2010 18:49

Thanks ILoveTIFFANY, I've wanted to do that for ages!

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 18:50

morecrack....the wtc family pay into the system,yes...but....so do the benefit family (in alot of cases) via the absent fathers. they pay their tax as anyone else,and as they did when with mother of their children....AND....they pay child support,which the government take back to counteract the benefits.

not explaining myself very well i dont think!

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 12/05/2010 18:51

Tiffany

my idea of an accident is contraceptive failure
not getting drunk and not bothering

HerBeatitude · 12/05/2010 18:52

I'm not being defensive, I'm being rude.

I'm just fed up with this daily mail mentality of whinging about people on benefits.

They are such a tiny, tiny, tiny problem compared to rich tax evaders. I can't stand the mean-minded mentality that nearly always goes along with this pointless obsession.

fairydusty · 12/05/2010 18:54

I have already said that its not the majority but i think we would agree that their is a minority that do make lifestyle choices that mean they end up claiming ben for a long period of time without putting anything back into the country.

I haven't said that single parents are feeding off the state but there are some that do! Same as their are some families and single people etc etc that also milk the system

Magaly · 12/05/2010 18:54

Starshaker, I agree! I got the courage to leave an awful man after total strangers on line made me believe I had to leave. And like you, I've also got in to a few rows on line about 'benefit lifestyles' and so on.

It used to upset me more, but now I seem to have compartmentalised the begrudgers into a low EQ category.

I am sometimes, in real life, asked if I'm working 'yet'. The emphasis on YET. I have two children and if I am not being a mother i'll have to outsource that job and I wouldn't be a high earner.

I think there is a certain personality type that just does.NOT>thiiiiink.

I got out a calculator and played around with the numbers over and over again. I've researched things like rent allowance (in Ireland) and what I could earn, how it would affect one parent family allowance, and the cost of childcare... Right now anyway, I can't work.

People do tend to stride up to me and ask me if I have a job yet I would LOVE to punish them with a 2 hour rumination on the feasibility of operating at a loss every month from now on just to please random acquaintances around me. They'd never ask again.

HerBeatitude · 12/05/2010 18:54

oh and they always hate the mothers who bring up the children, far more than the father who abandon them.

They pay lip service to the idea that deadbeat dads are a Bad Thing, but they reserve their real ire for mothers. Because they're just tapping into mysogynist crap and I just hate the sheer bloody stupidity of it.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 12/05/2010 18:55

It is not smug to suggest that people already bringing up children they cannot financially support are irresponsible to have mor

I am not smug about it
I work with children who suffer as a result
it haunts me, actually

HerBeatitude · 12/05/2010 18:55

oh not everyone does, but there are some that do!

I really hate old people. Not all of them are rude and obnoxious, but there are some who are! D'you see how stupid that sounds?

Magaly · 12/05/2010 18:56

So true HerBeatitude.

I have a copy of a letter from my x's solicitor which I hope in decades to come will appal future generations.

It mocks me for "being in receipt of benefits". The solicitor knew my x wasn't paying me any maintenance!!

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 18:58

morecrack.....theres no need for the bed situation you describe. when on benefit they can apply for allsorts of help. a loan which is interest free,and you're allowed 2 off them. they are paid back a few pounds a week,deducted from benefits. so those kids you teach...the parents CAN provide beds....they just dont. nothing to do with benefits,more to do with choosing to spend family money on drink,tobacco,etc etc.

Original poster

starshaker · 12/05/2010 19:01

MoreCrackThanHarlem it wasnt a case of not bothering with contraception. It failed, which is ironic since i had been ttc for 3 years with exH without success.

OP posts:

fairydusty · 12/05/2010 19:03

i haven't said i hate anyone and made it quite clear earlier that i think people who are claiming benefit because they need it are completely right to do so. My issue is having more children you can't support (i won't be able to have more children as i can not afford to support them) and the fact that some people do claim benefit cause its easier than working.

Alouiseg · 12/05/2010 19:04

It's a shit call, if you stay with the children you are a lone parent and all that it entails but if you are a negligent parent and run off you don't have a label.

Something's wrong somewhere when the parent who stays and cares is seen as the villain.

There will always be people who abuse the system woefully by having an excess of children that they cannot afford, the real problem lies with the parent who is not contributing at all.

I simply do not understand why hmrc cannot take at source any money owed to the parent looking after the children. In the case of the self - employed it could be added on to the tax bills.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 19:04

why not those claiming working families tax credits too?? dont they get free childcare as well as cash?? they should not have more children either perhaps?

it has not been 'working families tax credit' for nearly 7 years. it's working tax credit.
that is separate from child tax credit.
no, you don't get free childcare on child tax credit. you get a sliding amount based on your earnings/income, to a max of about 80%.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 12/05/2010 19:04

'theres no need for the bed situation you describe. when on benefit they can apply for allsorts of help. a loan which is interest free,and you're allowed 2 off them. they are paid back a few pounds a week,deducted from benefits.'

or, shock bloody horror, they could look for a job
and stop having kids, maybe?

Look, I've had a bad day at work
am just venting
my mother was a single parent so I have some understanding

my job has clouded my judgement, I suspect

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 19:06

sorry, missed out quotation marks.

'why not those claiming working families tax credits too?? dont they get free childcare as well as cash?? they should not have more children either perhaps? '

Working tax credits top out at £16,140/annum. Gross. Per family.

Have you seen what that amounts to after taxes and NI?

It's less than a not insignificant number take in in benefits that are not tied to their working.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 19:08

well yes,of course they could look for a job....am just saying there is no need for a family to go without basics. its not benefits thats stopping the bed situ,its the parents attitude.....or spending habits

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 19:08

What is the real travesty is that people are allowed to abandon complete and total financial support of children they procreate to the state.

To the extent that, anytime a parent becomes a lone one, the first question asked is, 'What benefits can I get?' rather than, 'What does he/she need to pay?'

It's become that engrained.

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