Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

I dont normally do controversial threads but

85 replies

starshaker · 12/05/2010 17:15

There seems to be a lot of people getting slated for being on benefits and being a lone parent. However whenever people post things about their dp/dh in relationships its full of people saying leave him. I was 1 of the people who kept being told to leave my H (cos he was a cheating arse). Since leaving i have had to rely on benefits to survive. I dont have family around to help with childcare and there are no childminders round here. So i am now a single mum on benefits and im also pregnant with twins (drunken mistake, but wouldnt change it for the world). Before i became a single mum i was at uni studying and working. But because i eventually decided i didnt deserve to be treated like crap i kicked him out.

Becoming a lone parent and relying on benefits is not an easy decision to make but i felt it was my only option for my own and my dd's sake

I will put my hat on and prepare to be told im a scrounger

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 12/05/2010 19:08

Alouise - they would never do that because they don't really believe that men are responsible for their children. They think women are. And luckily for the human race, women step up to the mark.

masses and masses of men who have children do not claim benefits, they have good jobs and good incomes. The women who look after their children do and are despised for it.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 19:10

so 2 parent families have the option of one staying at home or working? if one stays hom they get benefits to 'top up'?

is that right?

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 12/05/2010 19:12

'What is the real travesty is that people are allowed to abandon complete and total financial support of children they procreate to the state'

Exactly.

I work in a school where 80% of children have free school meals
and yet a huge percentage have 3 or more siblings

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 19:13

'so 2 parent families have the option of one staying at home or working? if one stays hom they get benefits to 'top up'?

is that right?'

No, because it's not likely you'll get housing benefit (at all if you are in council housing, a small amount if you are in private housing) anymore then. And definitely not council tax benefit.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 19:14

their fathers are still paying into the system though.....just because they arent all together under one roof...a parent is still working. not all cases i realise!

mamatomany · 12/05/2010 19:15

The anger is directed towards the absent parent not supporting their child/ren that makes the single parent dependent on benefits in my experience.
And that is where the energy will be focused if we are to mend "broken Britain"

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 19:16

expat...didnt even mention those benefits.they are means tested surely

was referring to wtc.....people go on to have more kids whilst claiming that benefit,no different to a lone parent.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 19:18

'their fathers are still paying into the system though.....just because they arent all together under one roof...a parent is still working. not all cases i realise!'

their fathers (or mothers) should be forced to pay more towards the upkeep of their children.

parents who are together and work all too often have to pay for it all (mostly because the Working Tax Credit threshold is so low, and it results in loss of housing and council tax benefits, necessitating both to go out to work, in which case they may likely get no WTC, and the childcare element of CTC, which again, does not fully cover the cost of the childcare and decreases as your earnings go up, understandably).

so the one who abandons his children effectively gets a huge state subsidy, far far more than working poor parents who stay together.

not having a go, but that's the way the system is set up now.

which is why there is movement to revise the benefits system to better effect the working poor.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 19:18

mamatomany....read on another thread that lib dem were going to bring in shared residency as default....i wonder how this would affect maintenence.

AliGrylls · 12/05/2010 19:18

People who say that people in this situation could look for a job should remember that actually choosing to bring up your own children is in its own way, work. If you don't do it yourself you do have to pay someone else to do it for you.

The thing about irresponsibility - yes people maybe should be more responsible but what is the alternative? Do you think you should leave the child to suffer?

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 19:19

'expat...didnt even mention those benefits.they are means tested surely'

yes, hence why i stated, a person(s) who live in council housing will generally become ineligible to claim HB at all on WTC, very little for private renters.

and no, no council tax benefit. that's the first thing to go.

Original poster
starshaker · 12/05/2010 19:19

What is shared residency?

OP posts:
nowherewoman · 12/05/2010 19:20

The people who are really "out for what they can get" and who "know how to play the system" are the rich tax exiles who will be rejoicing now that the tories are back in. And no I'm not a single parent or on benefits.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 19:22

'was referring to wtc.....people go on to have more kids whilst claiming that benefit,no different to a lone parent. '

their WTC decreases as the children age and with the subsequent number of children.

and they are working, that is the point that someone was trying to make, so in that respect they are indeed very different from anyone who is not working on not on ESA or Carer's Allowance.

they are working and paying NI.

if they are working poor and not lone parents, it very often is the case that they are worse off than a lone parent, particulary with the loss of HB/CTB.

hence, why political parties are looking for revision of the system.

mamatomany · 12/05/2010 19:23

mamatomany....read on another thread that lib dem were going to bring in shared residency as default....i wonder how this would affect maintenance.

Hmmm well that would have been difficult in our situation as he lives 12,000 miles away but I received a letter out of the blue from the CSA in another country informing me that ex DH now earns 4 times what he earnt when we split up and would I like some more money towards DC and they would be happy enough to collect it for me.
Can you ever imagine the CSA in this country doing that never mind ensuring that not one payment has been missed in 10 years otherwise they take it directly from his salary ?

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 19:24

when a couple split,all too often the mother keeps the kids and the father has to fight for access,often via the courts. so the default that they want to introduce would be 50/50,shared residency. more equality.

which makes me wonder how this would work with maintenence etc..

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 19:25

and anyone who blames their decision to leave their spouse on strangers online really does have some serious issues.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 19:26

Ali....being a lone parent takes away the choice to be a SAHM.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 19:27

the threshold for WTC is so low, and the personal threshold so low, too, that many many working poor families are much worse off than if they split and the resident parent claimed .

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 19:28

mama.....shared residency could still be disputed via family courts,nobody is saying it cant be overturned,it just gives both parents an equal footing.

Original poster
starshaker · 12/05/2010 19:28

I dont blame mn for making me leave exh i thank them for convincing me i would be ok on my own and in actual fact i would be better off without him. Best thing i ever did for my own sanity

OP posts:
Magaly · 12/05/2010 19:32

Same here. No regrets. But I did know when I left my x that I would not be comfortable financially for a very very long time. That's a small price to pay though.

GypsyMoth · 12/05/2010 19:53

yes,agree!!

however,whilst i was thrown onto benefits system HE was still in his full time job (we had 4 dc and had decided way back that i'd be a sahm)then the csa caught up with him!!

he wasnt happy at so much of his wages going,and he had no access at all at this point,that he engineered it so he got thrown out of his job....nice!

mamatomany · 12/05/2010 19:57

that he engineered it so he got thrown out of his job....nice!

But if he'd still had to pay 50% of his benefits to you that wouldn't have seemed like such a good idea would it ?

I think the lesson here for our daughters is not to give up your career to be a stay at home mum, it's a risk you cannot afford to take.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2010 20:00

'But if he'd still had to pay 50% of his benefits to you that wouldn't have seemed like such a good idea would it ?'

EXACTLY! JSA is about £60/week. If he's getting full rent and council tax, then he should lose 40% of that weekly amount and live on that because we are not talking about penalising a small child, but a grown person who doesn't want to pay for children he/she procreated.

Or they could go to jail the way they do in the US.