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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

"I'm practically a single parent..." Oh really!?

97 replies

gillybean2 · 27/04/2010 01:03

Does anyone else get hacked off when married people say "I know what it's like being a single parent, I do it all myself and my husband is hardly around.." And yet they don't have any idea of what it is actually like!

Firstly their other half is invariably earning money, so they don't have full financial responsibility for their dc's.

SO if my sister tells me one more time that she is practically a single parent because her husband works shifts (yet he is there to take ds1 to judo every saturday, often walks through the door with the weekly shopping, fixes the babygate when she didn't have time too after he had the baby one morning and realised it was broken, takes her out on her birthday, buys her flowers on mother's day, cooks dinner most nights, speaks to her several times a day via phone/text, has the three kids while she goes off on an evening out with her work colleagues or whoever.... I could go on! She even says how lucky she is to have got herself one of the good guys, a great dad for her kids...)

She has no idea, NO IDEA!!!

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cordonbleugh · 27/04/2010 01:07

you are so right! My mum does this to me - "I might as well have been a single parent, your dad was always at work" etc etc

It's not the fucking same at all!!!

onadietcokebreak · 27/04/2010 01:22

I agree on some of your points but think its a bit of a generalisation.

Friend whos husband works away for long periods at a time...very disruptive for children and family..at least as a LP you can set a more permanent routine.

I know she feels lonely but people dont think I will give x a call-pop around for a cuppa this evening cos her husbands working away...

Jacksmama · 27/04/2010 01:35

Totally agree with you. I am not a lone parent and truly don't know how lone parents cope. My hat is off to every single one of you.

Jacksmama · 27/04/2010 01:37

Chandra · 27/04/2010 10:19

My mother does that, to which she adds and "I had 2 children more than you!". Obviously she has forgot that we also had live in service including a cleaner who did a lot of baby sitting and cooking, gardener, and a lot of family to take us for the day when my mother was tired or wanted sometime on her own.

Obviously, there is a glorified version of what being a single mum mean, which seems to be reduced to "be grateful you are not doing his laundry anymore".

toccatanfudge · 27/04/2010 10:24

agree in general - although I found it much harder with a "d"H who did fuck all and who used to sit upstairs while the kids threw tantrums and gave me grief than I do now.

GypsyMoth · 27/04/2010 10:28

oh yes!!

know exactly what you mean...nobody truly realises what its actually like til they've been there

my dd is almost 16 doing gcse's next month....its up to me and me alone to ensure she gets revision etc done and doesn't live on facebook! that responsibility is huge for me..

trixymalixy · 27/04/2010 10:29

My husband works away all week and it is such hard work for me looking after our two. Every week I think how much harder it must be for single parents as at least when he gets home at the weekends I get a bit of a break.

YANBU, your sister's comments are really insensitive.

LadyBiscuit · 27/04/2010 10:37

People generally don't say it to my face but I've heard it on here. And yes, it really bloody irritates me. It's very, very easy to undermine the argument though.

T&F - I often think I'm in a better position not having anyone around than having someone who doesn't pull their weight. At least I'm not disappointed and cross a lot of the time like some of my friends with partners are!

fanjolina · 27/04/2010 10:39

Like Jacksmama, I am not a single parent by my sister is and I know how hard it is for her to juggle work & childcare and actually getting some time to herself. One of my friends is always saying exactly what you have written in your OP "oh, I am practically a single parent cos my DH works such long hours".

Well for a start, he doesn't work that long hours anyway (8am-5pm). And he always helps with bed & bath time. She doesn't have to work at all, so spends her days sunbathing in the summer and shopping in the winter. He earns £100k+ a year, so she gets new cars when she feels like it, is continually buying clothes for herself and the children. And if she wants to go off for the weekend abroad or in UK with friends he looks after the children.

So no, there is nothing at all in her life that is even merely equatable to being a single parent. Grrrr.

Rant over

trixymalixy · 27/04/2010 10:42

Your friend seriously thinks 8-5 is working long hours fanjolina .

I would kill to have help with bed and bathtime every night.

trixymalixy · 27/04/2010 10:43

What job does he do to earn £100k and only work 8-5 btw?

PinkoLiberal · 27/04/2010 10:44

Well first of all tehy don't always have someone they can call on: my friends Dh is in the army, she can call on him loess than most single mums I know.

But when I hear people saying this what I really think they are saying is @I am struggling a little bit at the moment withe verything and a bit voer whelmed and just need a bit of support and a chat'- which IMO is fair enough. Lots of lifestyles and outcomes suck, not just the one. Shifts can be ahrd to live around- been tehre and thabking goodness am not any nmore. Maybe not easier than ebing a single mum (though some single mums like it) but hard + hard and it can be ahrd to vocalise a need for a whinge sometimes without upsettings omebody.

ComeOveneer · 27/04/2010 10:46

I agree with you in respect to your sister and her situation, and nit for one minute do I think that any married situation is as hard as being a single parent.

However I think some of your points raised in your OP aren't valid...

Then they always have someone they can call on when they are ill, tired, need someone to pick up milk, or simply want ten minutes to themselves to take a bath! And they wouldn't have to think twice who to ask if they were in hospital, or who would have the kids if something happened to them! - not necessarily true. For instance my dh can't take time of work when I am ill unless it is really serious, he job just won't accomodate it. Plus a parent single or otherwise may or may not have other family, friends etc who they can call on for this sort of thing, it isn't just the role of parent/partner to do these things. So in my mind the situations you have outlined can be just as easy or diffult for any parent to deal with.

And they do not have any conception of the over whelming aloneness of being a single parent; Of just how isolating and lonely it is. That there is no-one at the end of the phone to talk too, and no one will be coming home to hug you when you've had a hard day, and to share the memories, the fun and laughter, or simply to be there to listen when you have something to say. In part I agree with all of this, however the person at the end of the phone doesn't have to be your husdand/partner, tbh a lot of married women (myself included) are often likely to chat on the phone, tell their woes to a best friend etc.

StepSideways · 27/04/2010 10:48

I can quite imagine how horrible it would be, between work and looking after the baby keeping our little family ticking over is an almost full time job, I take my hat off to people who have more on their plate, and doubly so those who cope with only one pair of hands.

fanjolina · 27/04/2010 10:53

oh yes, trixy - she is deluded. Her DH runs his own printing business.

Chandra · 27/04/2010 11:00

Agree, many people I know (mostly from DS' old private school). Complain of the same.

True, they are practically on their own as they see very little of their husbands but... they don't have to worry about money. And that, for me, makes a huge difference in the levels of stress.

whatname · 27/04/2010 11:05

For some it is.
Obviously not the case here, so I see why you would be annoyed.

Fliight · 27/04/2010 11:08

The thing which I find the absolute hardest about it is having no one on your side.

When you have a husband, they have stood in front of a load of people and said 'I love this woman, and I am committed to her for the rest of our lives'.

that's really, really important in this argument. Someone who is committed to you, and you alone. Think about it.

Of course I probably don't deserve to have someone committed to me, until I have done some more work on making myself committable to! But it is staggering to me that married women can say 'it's just the same, ring a friend instead' when they have this absokute luxury of being loved and publicly committed to by someone.

It can be hard work physically and mentally, and it can be extremely lonely but knowing you really are on your own is v v hard to take.

LadyBiscuit · 27/04/2010 11:10

It isn't the same at all. Unless your DP is a total utter waste of space cocklodger (in which case why are you still with him?) then he is either bringing in an income/caring for the children/house/bills/etc.

Just having someone to talk to about what to do about the fact there is water dripping through the bedroom ceiling makes a difference.

And I can't remember the last time someone made me a cup of tea

nighbynight · 27/04/2010 11:11

Either your OH is available to help with childcare etc, or he/she is off earning money.

Either way, its not remotely like being a single parent (unless the OH is ill, perhaps). I have to earn money AND look after my children and it really pisses me off when people whose spouse is out earning money to keep a roof over their heads moan about being like a single parent.

nighbynight · 27/04/2010 11:12

Fliight, Im going to start crying about your post in a minute! So true.

robie · 27/04/2010 11:13

OMG I have actually said that. I now see the error of my ways. My DH works 10-8 mon-fri and 10-4 on sat (he used to only work a few hours a day and still not help me much so I can't complain too much now).
Sometimes I feel like a lone parent but as you said I do have someone to get milk on his way home from work and I do have someone if I am sick etc. DH doesn't make much money and I was laid off a year ago but DH working long hours is def not the same as being a lone parent.I will never say it again [slinks away in shame]

whatname · 27/04/2010 11:14

Well I do have a waste of space H.
He earns the money, but spends it too, and then some. so we have financial stress
and he gives me no support,emotional or physical. no help.
useless really.
so i'm going
But yes, Ladybiscuit, that's probably the only time when being married can be like being a single parent

whatname · 27/04/2010 11:15

actually he is like having to look after another child

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