"I'm practically a single parent..." Oh really!?

[gillybean2]

Does anyone else get hacked off when married people say "I know what it's like being a single parent, I do it all myself and my husband is hardly around.." And yet they don't have any idea of what it is actually like!

Firstly their other half is invariably earning money, so they don't have full financial responsibility for their dc's.

Then they always have someone they can call on when they are ill, tired, need someone to pick up milk, or simply want ten minutes to themselves to take a bath! And they wouldn't have to think twice who to ask if they were in hospital, or who would have the kids if something happened to them!

And they do not have any conception of the over whelming aloneness of being a single parent; Of just how isolating and lonely it is. That there is no-one at the end of the phone to talk too, and no one will be coming home to hug you when you've had a hard day, and to share the memories, the fun and laughter, or simply to be there to listen when you have something to say.

SO if my sister tells me one more time that she is practically a single parent because her husband works shifts (yet he is there to take ds1 to judo every saturday, often walks through the door with the weekly shopping, fixes the babygate when she didn't have time too after he had the baby one morning and realised it was broken, takes her out on her birthday, buys her flowers on mother's day, cooks dinner most nights, speaks to her several times a day via phone/text, has the three kids while she goes off on an evening out with her work colleagues or whoever.... I could go on! She even says how lucky she is to have got herself one of the good guys, a great dad for her kids...)

She has no idea, NO IDEA!!!

I get this a lot from my yummy mummy stay at home girlfriends with high earning husbands that are away a lot.

What they dont realise is I dont have is another adult to talk to who loves, cares for and supports me. I miss the intimacy of a relationship with another adult. I am also the only earner in the house

At least one of my friends had the guts to say last week that she tought being a single parent wouldnt be so bad until she watched me doing it

I thinking it is too general to say lone parents have it harder. My sister is a lone parent and her DS is in nursery five days a week 9am - 3pm, and she isn't working. Pretty good going I'd say.

A lot of people with partners have to pay a huge chunk of their second salary towards childcare costs. Lone parents tend to get the government to pay it via tax credits.

Where I think lone parents have it the hardest is not being able to share things about their child's development that are insignifanct to the outside world but important when your the parent.

I think there are many assumptions made on both sides in this debate tbh.
Personally I am often parenting solo when dh is away for work and anybody who thinks I have a marvellously easy life and help with bedtime every night just because I'm married can take a running jump frankly. I have many friends in this position and dh will be in it next month when I'm away for work.
I think it is possible to appreciate the particular challenges and difficulties this offers without belittling the efforts made by people who parent alone permanently. I think I do ok within my sphere and I try not to whine. I think my friends who are single parents do exactly the same. It really isn't a competition about who has it hardest.

Journney how does she manage to have her DC in nursery 9-3 without paying anything herself?

FWIW I@m not making any assumptions, I've done all 3, co-parenting with exH when he was actually useful (with him both in "normal" working hours, and odd ones that meant he wasn't around much at weekends or any dinner/bedtimes during the week) , "co-parenting" with exH when he was a useless lump of shit, and doing it on my own now.

I think that you are right Northern, there are a lot of assumptions going on both sides. I believe that a good number of people in this thread have been in both situations, married with a helpful-later-turned-unhelpful husband, and on their own with a helpful-later-turned-unhelpful ex.

Having been in both sides, I find it easier to be a single parent in someways, but more difficult in others. I guess that the thing that tip the balance is how much support you can draw from friends or relatives around, and with this I'm not meaning a sympathetic ear (there are plenty of those around), but those people you could ring in the middle of the night to come and help you with the children if you need to run to the hospital.

The not having someone there (and I don't mean physically there, but on your side and in your life) is the hardest part for me.

Most days I am fine, life is probably physically easier than it was before ex left, and there are lots of things I like about being on my own.

But the not having anyone to share things with, no one to be as interested in the little things about your children as their father would be, no one to really understand and be able to help when you have had a shit day - is really hard.

Just one tiny example - yesterday, lovely day, all fine but on the way home ds1 fell off his bike, got him home and in the bath to wash off the grit, ds2 came down and got a bottle of paint and spilt it all over the floor, then fell downstairs after coming down from changing his paint splattered clothes, both upset, both needing me. And no one to come home (at some point) and CARE about it.

Another example a few weeks ago, ds1 acting the clown, v funny, all laughing - but no one to really share it with.

It is that contact with someone who cares as much about your family as you do that is missing - and yes ex does care as much about the boys - but they are no longer "our" family, we are 2 individual families.

im afraid i both agree and disagree.
while i am shattered now that by bum ex has left, im not half as shattered as i was dealing with all of his shit on top of that.
it pisses me off when people say things like'oooh i know how hard it is cos my hubby works nights etc etc' but its really difficult. im soo tired , i have 4 kids under 6 three of which are under 3 and one is 6 months nearly. i go to university full time, i also work volunterraly for the nhs as a breastfeeding councellor one morning per week and i have 4 kids. ffs i do everything and he swings in and takes them for 1 afternoon and thinks thats hard work!!!!!!!!
at least if i had a partner (one that actually helped and didnt just ghet pissed and go out wiv mates all the time) i could get a bit of a break sometimes.

Having no one ever to worry with you as a parent is not the smae as having a dp/dh who works away but can worry about bringing up the children with you.

having someone to mentaly parent with would be far easier for me than me always worrying am I doing the right thing on my own.

having two parents would be far better than having one even if they one parent isn't always around they are there in spirit far more than an absent parent.

Anyone can care for a child on there own but being a parent on your own is different

it's true that it's easier to be a single mum rather than have to deal with resenting a useless partner and all the emotional shit that comes with that.

However, it's hard on so many other levels, the financial worry, the constant tiredness, no break - ever, no lie ins, no-one who'll just step in when you're losing the plot. No-one to talk about how to deal with a problem wiht the boys, because my exh would use it as an opportunity to blame me for whatever the problem was.

My brother has just had his 14 yr old DS come to live with him, and he actually said to me 'it's hard being a single parent you know Dolly'.

Ahem, yes I know! I've been on my own with 2 boys since DS2 was 6 months old, working full time and paying all the bills as exh pays zero!

Thats true ivykaty. Before I had dc's I could babysit 4 kids on my own and it was a doddle, and loads of fun. But being on my own and having to work with 2 pre-schoolers is not much fun %95 of the time.

My mum is great and I run almost everything by her but I wish I didn't have to and was happily settled with a partner.

It always leaves me speechless when married friends comment 'I don't know how you do it',like I have a choice.

The absolute hardest thing I have found being a LP is the fact that there is no-one else to share the decision-making with. In ds's case this started in hospital the day he was born and I had to deal with NICU.

A close second is the utter relentlessness as others have posted. I never get a day off even when I'm ill.

It is also hard to confide in friends (all married) who really don't have a clue what my life is like.

I have had several married friends say this to me and it makes my blood boil. It's a very lonely existence and one I wouldn't wish on any of them.

I think there is also the assumption from married friends that because you're 'used' to being on your own, that you can cope better than them when their Dh is away.

It does make me chuckle when friends of mine who have one child, moan about their dh being away or ill and having to do everything and being so tired! Having just one of mine is a doddle!

MollieO - that buck stops with you bit is terrifying isn't it? I had to give my permission for my DS to have an NG tube when he was a baby and that was the moment that I realised that I was the only person who had responsibility for my DC and who could make decisions on his behalf.

And however rubbish your partner is, however much he is away, if you're not a lone parent, you won't be in that position.

In some ways I'm glad I found that out earlier rather than later

I know EXACTLY what you are feeling GillyBean2...Its very lonely and horrible. I have DP now who i wish i had met 20 yrs ago...am an older mum now, but have been through all the single mum feelings, and living with kids on my own. Its a place i NEVER want to be in again.
I am here if you need to chat...nite or day.
I still feel a bit like a single parent with 9 yr still living at home (2 Grown up kids) but its not the same as having no partner.
I used to look at women with DP/DHs and be so envious and think they dont know how lucky and safe and secure they are. Almost to the point of thinking them naive, they dont have bout clue how hard it is on your own.

Where about are you Gillybean 2 ???? How many kids do you have. ? I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you meet a really nice kind man who treats you well and makes you happy and secure. Keep posting and know us mums are here to support and be your friend. HUGS HUGS XXX xxx

no one knows the life you lead, nor do we fully know their life... grass always looks greener.

life is easier without exP in the house, his desire to be involved with DCS is at times intimidating and harassing. and misguided.

cant win!

LadyBiscuit absolutely. The upside is everything your dcs are and become is solely down to you. That makes me proud and frustrated in equal measure .

YANBU.

You need balls for this game. We can all be proud that weve got them.

Give ourselves a big pat on the back and be proud.

True it's the emotional lack of a partner that sucks but thank god we havn't settled for a looser!

I find it liberating that the buck stops with me. I am not being controlled, I don't have arguments over parenting and I can take credit for everything that dd achieves.

Gillybean2, in the past all your posts have been very supportive and full of practical advice. Your posts have been sensible and provided lots of women with comfort and inspiration.

In this post, you seem a bit fed up. Hope you're OK. x

have just read through the post, as i nearly throttled amother mum at our school who commented on my friend being late "you don't need a partner to get kids to school on time you just need to be organised". sometimes i don't even know which country dh is in and he has to dissapear at short notice, making my job childcare a bit of a bugger, but he is still THERE, even when he is not.

but what this thread has shown me is that anyone can be a mum and love theiir kids but this thread has shown spme fantastic examples of parenting at it's best - and how hard people are prepared to pursue the best for their kids, beyond just 'having to get on with it'.

...and tocata you've been very brave, wish i lived nearby so i could have helped - wasps are the devil in stripes!

journey the childcare elment of tax credits is based on income not parental status
so a low income couple would get help just as a low income lone p would

"Lone parents tend to get the government to pay it via tax credits" - no tax credits here thanks. But alwyas nice that people assume that you get them if you are a single parent!

I was at a mate's house tonight when his wife uttered "I've been a single parent all week"

REALLY?? From where I was sitting the hardest thing she'd done all week was go shopping with her mother trying to find the perfect dress to wear on her weekend away at some exclusive hotel with her £700 diamond earrings.

Actually yes....its just like the average LP.

Luckily I managed to smile and bite my tongue!

It did remind me of this thread tho.