"I'm practically a single parent..." Oh really!?

[gillybean2]

Does anyone else get hacked off when married people say "I know what it's like being a single parent, I do it all myself and my husband is hardly around.." And yet they don't have any idea of what it is actually like!

Firstly their other half is invariably earning money, so they don't have full financial responsibility for their dc's.

Then they always have someone they can call on when they are ill, tired, need someone to pick up milk, or simply want ten minutes to themselves to take a bath! And they wouldn't have to think twice who to ask if they were in hospital, or who would have the kids if something happened to them!

And they do not have any conception of the over whelming aloneness of being a single parent; Of just how isolating and lonely it is. That there is no-one at the end of the phone to talk too, and no one will be coming home to hug you when you've had a hard day, and to share the memories, the fun and laughter, or simply to be there to listen when you have something to say.

SO if my sister tells me one more time that she is practically a single parent because her husband works shifts (yet he is there to take ds1 to judo every saturday, often walks through the door with the weekly shopping, fixes the babygate when she didn't have time too after he had the baby one morning and realised it was broken, takes her out on her birthday, buys her flowers on mother's day, cooks dinner most nights, speaks to her several times a day via phone/text, has the three kids while she goes off on an evening out with her work colleagues or whoever.... I could go on! She even says how lucky she is to have got herself one of the good guys, a great dad for her kids...)

She has no idea, NO IDEA!!!

Oh my! (Sudden realisation from reading this thread),I've just become a real single parent as dh has left me for OW. But actually never realised that I could have said the same ie that I felt like a single parent before! Think I was definitely in denial.

I worked full time, paid the mortgage and all bills and took the kids on holiday without him,(he hates holidays) all paid for by myself. He sat around and got drunk and insulted me for being older than him and tired all the time. Could never ask him for any help as he'd refuse or do it with such bad grace that I would feel sick.

The only difference now is that I have 2 children instead of 3 (he was the 3rd child). Didn't realise how litle he did to help with anything and the house is so tidy now. The impression from my removed wedding and engagment ring hasn't even gone yet

Am I now officially a proper single parent? Feel that sounds a lot better than I'm a divorced wife whose been left for the OW!

Other night I felt a bit lonely and looked over to where he would sit and realised that he would have been on his laptop or phone and been ignoring me as he always did and realised that even when he was there I still felt lonely anyway, but that I also used to feel tense, which has now gone.

Income will go down a bit as I'm going to increase the mortgage to pay him off, so no more holidays, but I can spend them at home now, no longer have to take time out away to escape from him.

Realise the single life isn't easy for a lot of women, but so far, for me, it seems preferable.

SK

agree SK - better to be LP of 3 children than of 3 children plus an adult man-child...

I certianly agree with you SK, however it does really annoy me when someone complains about being a "single parent" in front of someone who is very lone becasue its never someone who has any of the possible issues that everyone has trotted out above. It's almost always someone who is just not used to coping without their DH around.

I really don't understand why people can't just say "yes it is insensitive of someone in a far more comfortable position than you to be moaning about it".

Just my hobby horse I guess - I don't bother mentioning any of the difficulties of lone parenting because it ususally results in a litany of why they have problmes just as bad - "err yes I'm sure you have, I was just in need of a litle tea and sympathy" . If a married friend of mine tells me her trauma of being ill with her husband away, I say " oh how horrible, it must have been difficult, is there anything I can do?" I don't say "well I have that problem all the time" because it would be crass and insensitive - it doesn't make her problem any less of a problem because I have a similar or even worse issue.

(caveat - my lovely mum came out in the middle of the night to stay with DS when I had to go into A&E in a taxi - so I do have support)

Know what you mean about the wedding ring leaving a mark, Spiritual. Mine was acquired in a hurry, painfully constricting, and not worth much. The perfect symbol of my marriage, in fact.

I am reading this with interest - my DP was actually caught in the ash business and away for 10 days (which I know is nothing compared to some people whose partners can be away longer or compared to lone parents).

I never said that I was like a lone parent (phew!).

I admit I did say, that it made me appreciate how hard it must be to be a lone parent (I was thinking specifically about the sole responsibility, worrying about one of them getting ill or what if something happened to me and I couldn't pick them up, etc). I definitely didn't mean to be insensitive but I genuinely think that the psychological responsibility must be so tough. I also really really missed having someone to tell all the little details, as someone has already said. Nobody else really seemed to be interested in the fact that DD1 had a really painful poo and developed a fear of pooing, for example.

I can totally see how some people just say things insensitively and seflishly only thinking of themselves. I woudl like to think that just as many people express themselves badly but are actually thinking that you're managing really well in what must be quite a difficult situation. If that doesn't sound patronising?

Good example, Norkily. It does take a parent to be really interested in pooing issues!

"I did say, that it made me appreciate how hard it must be to be a lone parent" - thats not the same at all, thats like when I said after back trouble that it had given me new insight into how people with chronic back pain must feel.

But couldn't you call DH and share poo stories?

Kew - after the first few days we were worried about phone bills (he was in Egypt) so we only texted.

Quite hard to get a sufficiently high level of poo detail into a text I found

It did permit me to send my favourite ever text, in reply to him texting that he was back on mainland Europe FINALLY, I texted "DD1 marked the occasion by pooing in her pants".

I feel I've sidetracked your thread somewhat so will shut up about poo now

Its a generalisation like many things in life, everyone has different view points even if they are wrong.

Unless widowed, then there are two parents anyway regardless of whether they live together or not so lone/single parent seems the wrong phrase just because a couple no longer have a relationship. The other person doesnt cease to be a parent.

I know single parents who have more respite from their children (dcs go off to stay with ex-h at weekends or they have relies around to help) than I do with my largely absent workaholic husband and no family support.

I concede though that financially I have no problems at all in contrast to most single parents.

YANBU. I agree with most of the sentiments on this thread. I am married, but I have had people say to me "Ooh you're practically a single parent". I have always found this a little strange. The reason they say it is because DH is away so much. He has just been home for 4 days and now gone away for another month.

I think I do have some. small, insight into how hard it is as a single parent (I work full time, pay the bills, manage all the day-to-day problems, have no family to help me), but I always know that DH will be home at some point in the future and I talk to him at least a couple of times each week.

Norkily, I know what you mean about sharing poo stories! When DD did an explosive one on her change mat, just as I lifter her legs up and I had to clean the opposite wall, the floor, the end of cot and everything else that she managed hit, I couldn't think of a good way to describe it in a text message.

It is hard on DD to have DH there sometimes and then he disappears. She is too young to understand. But I am sure ex's who are unrealiable cause more heartache.

The worst thing I had to do was telephone DH when DD had been admitted to hospital with breathing difficulties. DH felt so totally useless because he could not be with us.

"The other person doesnt cease to be a parent." sadly they often do.

I am a truly lone parent (though by choice so no complaints form me about it) and I know at least one other friend whose exH left before her DD was 1 and has returned about 3 times for a visit since (three years ago). She has the added problme of her DD being very upset about her fathers lack of contact and has to deal with that on top of the nromal struggles to work, support her family and worry about how she will afford the rent etc on her own.

Of course some single parents have a relatively OK time if their childrens fathers are actively involved but they don't (in my experience) generally say that their life is tough.

The thing which always puzzles me is why the people who are married but thin their lot is harder than being single don't just leave their husband if they make their life more difficult.

I'm not married and the product of divorced paretns so I guess I'm not going to understand it.

Not sure if it's been mentioned before but ry my friend's DH is in the Forces she is currently expecting her 2nd baby and he has been posted to Afghanistan, where exactly she does not know and their comms are very limited.

She has no family near her, in fact her parents are frail and her DH's live far away. On top of parenting alone and being pregnant and giving birth without him she also faces the uncertainty of getting that phone call and being informed something has happened to her DH...a lot more likely where he is than crossing the road IYSWIM.

Most single parents always come here and comment on how great it is that they are single and love parenting alone with no one to interfere. The downside of this is obviously that they are alone in every aspect. I think if you're married or single, there are always shortcomings on either side.

One thing that some SPs have to cope with that MPs don't are the questions about the absent parent. In ds's case his father has had no contact since he was 10 days old. Ds doesn't know anyone in the same position as him and has been asking questions about his father since he was 2. It makes me feel like a complete and utter failure at times.

These threads make me laugh now. I'm a LP ex has had no contact since lo was 4 weeks and as he tried to kill us both during that visit his abscence isn't missed. I had to leave the area, any chance of going back to a well paid job and my network of friends. I moved closer to my mother and her support has been 90 minutes babysitting on the day I moved in. I suffered from migranes and did worry how we would cope, but we manage. The only time I was scared was when I caught chicken pox and spent 3 weeks in and out of a delerious (SP) fever but again we managed only casulty was a gerbil who was sadly killed whilst making a dash for freedom. J was 2.5 then and I nearly called SS to confess to neglecting my child lol. I would be lying if I said the pressure of the constant responsibilty doesn't get to me. I guess up posting on forums at 2am proves it gets to me but I know how strong and capable I am and i can cope with whatever life throws at me because I have to, that realisation is liberating. I think its that lack of self belief is what cause other women to stay with useless partners,and to those who have recently become SP the relief you feel will soon turn to self belief. We never know just how strong we are until we are tested.

The way I look at it is you can either be envious of what you haven't got or grateful for what you have. When I get lonely I must admit I tend to read topics of relationship problems just to remind me how lucky I really am, when i feel jealous of my happily married friends I remind myself of all the extra washing, ironing etc and when people say I'm nearly a single parent I ask them why,they either tell me their problems or look sheepish and admit to being a bit of a wimp. To the OP do you think your sister is a little in awe of you? she probably struggles in her life and in her heart knows she has it a lot easier than you and looks at you thinking "How does she do it so well on her own"

LadyBiscuit, I remember, while I was still married, someone made a cup of tea for me and I nearly cried I was so grateful. It was a friend, not exDH.

There's nothing worse than being a married single parent, IMO and IME. Being officially single and not having to deal with the extra 'child' in the house is easier for me than dealing with exH.

Feeling a lot of sympathy for everyone who is having such a hard time here. Young forces families are in such a terrible position.

Im so glad i accidentally stubbled on this post. Iv got 2 children with my soon to be ex partner! Im in the process of leaving him due to his complete lack of responsibility towards helping me care for our children. My partner has lived like a single man for a good long time, working all week then goes out drinking with work, football on the weekends all day every other weekend. Never cooks, rarely helps with the kids at bedtime, he’s never touched the laundry or tumble drier in all our years together. But he’s expecting I work full time on top of it all and give all my spare time to the kids whilst he carries on as he is??

I’ve realised quickly that working my early mornings, doing all the cooking/cleaning, childcare, routines and everything else a SAHP does is what’s burning me out and adding the addition of a partner who makes excuses to not help on days off is what was weighing heavily on me and dragging me down faster. I get sick of hearing ‘ill babysit them’ BABYSIT? How does one babysit their own children thats called being a parent???

I’ll say one thing, the relief of knowing were soon leaving is the biggest burden off my shoulders as I know my miserable life I currently live hoping he’ll help me one day will soon be over and I can live in my own space. My kids will see my happier in far more other ways, yes it will be hard doing it alone but its been no different to how its been for 4 years since our eldest was born. The difference is I wont have a grown arse man child to clean up after so its a huge stress lifted from me and my burnouts will be for the best in the long run and not because my partner caused them!

Good luck, @Tiredmumoftwo2025

I actually felt more single in my "relationship" of 10 years, than when I was a single parent at just aged 17. When you're a single parent, there are resources to help you. Family are more willing to help and support you. But when you're with a partner, people automatically assume you're getting support from them, whether that's financially, emotionally or physically.

I had none of that with my "partner". The only thing I got out of it was being allowed to live in his parents spare home for 2 years after we had our eldest. I'm completely broke, because I'm now pregnant (unplanned), and I wasn't able to work as my toddler wasn't old enough for funded nursery yet. Wasn't allowed to claim benefits, because that made me "lazy". I bought all of the food for me and toddler, furniture, clothes, literally everything we need was on me.

But of course, my situation is probably extremely unusual. I think the majority of stable people would've left a long time ago. I think it's the trauma bond that made it so difficult to. But in my case, I was certainly a single parent while with this man. I had no one to fall back on, nobody to call in case of emergencies as he'd never reply, nobody to share a bed with as we even had separate rooms. It was just downright miserable. Currently sorting out housing and money before new baby gets here, and finally as a truly single parent. I grew up in a single mother household, so it's not an awful shock to the system. But already I'm getting offered so much more support

Iv just gone it alone with a 3yr old and 4 month old. Im finding it easier mentally on my own.

I always said I’m your partner not the house maid and nanny, never changed how he was. He never lifted a finger, he made a mess and expected me to clean it.
Im back with my parents. It’s clean, its tidy, my eldest has more space to play, my parents both do the cleaning up as well me. Yes theres the edition of two dogs but I’d rather them than a messy, lazy, mummies boy who was far too used to his mum licking his arse clean for him.

But I completely agree with the more support side as soon as my parents get a sniff that the babies draining me or that my eldest is pushing his luck they’re usually behind me ready to help!

Don’t get me started. No you are not!!! It’s a ridiculous statement. The worst I saw was ‘I’ve been playing single parent this weekend’. They’ll never understand