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Lone parents

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Original poster

DS just told me something heartbreaking :(

53 replies

Madascheese · 25/04/2010 20:05

I'm so sad for him and I don't know the best way to handle this.

He is 4 and just back from a volcano extended trip to see his Dad overseas.

I see their interraction via webcamming and have long thought my ex doesn't have a very active sort of relationship with DS (it's not very pro active and seems to be more about what ex wants rather than thinking it through from DS's point of view.)

However, i try to be postive and re-inforce their relationship to DS as it's ex and me that have the problem not DS and Ex. I tend to be more child centred in my parenting style so DS and I muddle along as a team with my partner (who we see at weekends)

Anyway, DS is the most cheerful soul on the earth usually but since he's been having overseas visits, he's got more and more clingy (sleeping in with me a lot more)

Tonight as he was struggling not to go to sleep he told me he is too lonely at Daddy's and he doesn't like going to sleep there all on his own.

I've had a chat with him about him never being alone cos he always has his Mummy kisses with him, but he refused to be consoled and just clung to me in tears. Eventually he relaxed and has gone to sleep in his own bed (on a 'deal' he can come into me if he wakes.

I'm sure I'm not the first to have faced this, but it's the first time I've faced it, any guidance, or wise things to tell DS would be really appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
BCBG · 25/04/2010 20:09

never faced it, thank God but so

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 25/04/2010 20:12

I assume his daddy doesn't stay with him when he is upset?

Scrudd · 25/04/2010 20:15

I don't think there's a whole lot you can do about it, unless your ds chooses not to visit him again. Can you talk to your ex about stuff, or is it tricky?

Unfortunately, it sounds like he doesn't have two great parents, just one, but I would imagine that's not all that unusual for one parent to be much more hands on that the other, and it's just highlighted in your case because you're not together.

Out of curiosity, did you never see this guy around kids before you chose to have one with him? I ask because one of the things I found so very attractive about my dh was the fact that he was so great with children.

Irons · 25/04/2010 20:15

Perhaps you need to tell his dad as this may be something he needs to resolve with your son.

Fliight · 25/04/2010 20:17

Nice one, Scrudd

OP I'msorry you had to see that comment. You sound like a great mum.

Scrudd · 25/04/2010 20:19

I think she sounds like a great mum too.

thesouthsbelle · 25/04/2010 20:21

when was his last visit?

DS seems to go thru phases like this when he's been with his dad - usually it only lasts for a few days thou.

maybe it's some form of attachment thing?

my advice- is as tiring as it is - and beleive me I know from exp with DS coming in at 2 am and me not going back to sleep until 6.30 am!! roll with it. i'm sure you do enough to make sure DS is secure etc and has lots of attention from you,

fingers crossed he will settle back down again for you. thou.

also fwiw - I've never mentioned it to my X about DS, mostly as it's down to me - I do ask DS how he puts him to bed etc etc thou. just lots of special 1 2 1 time cuddles etc I think is aboue all you can do for the mo & see how things progress, obv is DS get's more upset then it will need addressing with X as well.

Fliight · 25/04/2010 20:23

That's great Scrudd but your final paragraph is mindblowingly offensive.

Perhaps it isn't meant to be? But think, think before you post something like that. How was it meant to make her feel?

itsmeitsmeolord · 25/04/2010 20:24

um I read scrudds post as saying the father was not so great, not as implying the op was not so great.

Am a bit confused about Fab's post though, how did you extrapolate that the father doesn't comfort the son if he is upset?

I think that overseas visits are a huge thing for such a young child, the travel etc is hard and he has had an especially hard time this visit with the unplanned extension. For little ones, being away from their main home is always going to be stressful, change to routine, away from main carer etc.

I think that I would do lots and lots of reassurance and perhaps try to look at contact being for shorter periods but frequent in future if possible.

Herecomesthesciencebint · 25/04/2010 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scrudd · 25/04/2010 20:26

Ok, I get your point, it wasn't intended to hurt her but I can see that it probably wasn't the most sensitive thing to ask.

Apologies to madascheese. Sorry.

MollieO · 25/04/2010 20:28

Can't offer any advice to the OP unfortunately other than loads of sympathy.

To Scrudd I did see my ex around children, his from his first marriage to be precise. Very hands on father, keen to spend time with his dd and do lots with her. Ds was born early. Ex left when ds still in NICU not knowing whether he would live or die. Ex suggested it would be better if ds did die. So your comment as well as being incredibly offensive is completely and utterly irrelevant.

Gay40 · 25/04/2010 20:34

I thought the same as Scrudd, actually. How many posts do we read on here about "my dh never does childcare/can't makes their dinner/never baths the baby/never takes a day off if the kids are ill" etc etc bloody etc.
Hint: if you are getting married/living together and you want kids or have them and a new partner is moving in, see how they are with children BEFORE you have your own and moan on.
This opinion has nothing to do with the OP's actions - I thought she handled it very well.

Scrudd · 25/04/2010 20:37

Blimey MollieO - he sounds like a right arsehole! How strange that his attitude to one child is so different to the others.

Anyway, leaving this thread now, I've probably been spending too much time hanging around AIBU

MollieO · 25/04/2010 20:47

Scrudd, saw your apology to OP. No idea about my ex (someone I knew for 10 years before we got together). All I learned was you really can never tell how your relationship will be with your dp/dh by looking at previous behaviour .

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 25/04/2010 20:57

I read it as when the child is upset his mum lets him sleep with her but the dad doesn't as the child says he doesn't like sleeping alone.

Original poster
Madascheese · 25/04/2010 20:58

Hello - sorry the phone just went bonkers.

Ok, thanks, one of the things I guess I wanted to hear was if it's 'normal' for a 4 yo to talk about being lonely so thanks for that reassurance first of all.

I didn't take offence at Scrudd really, I'm more concerned about my DS than anything. Thanks for all your kind comments though. I did see exh around kids and he'd 'told' me that children were the most important thing in the world to him ad infinitum, it was the discovery of that particular lie that lead me to leave him when DS was 9 months old.

Unfortunately a very expensive court battle (overseas abduction risk) has resulted in these contact times (much less than he wanted however) so there is no chance to change them.

As for having a conversation with exh - see above...he's been 'beaten' and as a matter of honour refuses to be civil with me about anything. He is in fact the living breathing definiation of an utter Twunt

Thanks, I think I feel better - just the reassurance that I probably handled it ok and don't need to get off the deep end about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madascheese · 25/04/2010 21:01

Fab - interesting idea. I will bear that in mind.

DS is fine sleeping alone, he has been increasingly clingy since the overseas visits started. We hadn't co-slept until then.

shakes head it's just so hard not to go attributing stuff to everything that goes on and trying to work out the best way not to mess up DS's head for the rest of his life.

OP posts:
Fliight · 26/04/2010 05:52

Gay, that's still totally irrelevant to the thread...by all means think it but you really don't need to post it. That's kind of too late, really, isn't it? Does it help the OP? no. Does it make you feel satisfied, safe that this could NEVER happen to you? Probably.
Go and start your own thread about blaming women for their ex partners' failings and see where that gets you.

Madascheese, you have hand;ed it really well but that doesn't solve the issue of your son being afraid when he is with his dad.

It sounds as though you have very little power over what happens there. It is possible it is less than good for your son however I'm not sure what anyone could do about this. It's just very sad that a child has to be separated from his primary attachment person at this age. I know it would have scared me.

Does your son speak about his father in a good way at other times - I mean is he close to him, does he feel OK in the day times?

I'm not sure how it works legally but if he doesn't want to go, maybe you could contest this somehow. It's a very difficult situation all round.

Gay40 · 26/04/2010 08:24

Well, I wasn't blaming the OP for the situation at all - I thought she had done it exactly right.
But women in alot of situations infantilise their husbands and then complain about it.

Original poster
Madascheese · 26/04/2010 09:17

Please don't get into a discussion like this, I wasn't offended, I really am looking for suggestions to help DS.

DS doesn't speak about his Dad much, when he does I respond with interest and in a positive way so he knows it's 'ok to talk to Mummy about Daddy' I'm not sure he gets the same re-inforcement the other way.

Sorry to keep giving negative responses about what my ex does, but we've been at this for 3 and a bit years since we split and my communication and patience skills have been tested to the limit by that man.

ex doesn't talk to me at all about his time with DS, he sees it as 'his' time and none of my business (this stuff didn't go unoticed by the court either)

OP posts:
Magaly · 26/04/2010 09:24

My son is four and there's no way he'd be able to cope with a trip overseas to see his dad (who is also overseas, so we ahve that in common).

The way things have panned out for us is that the children see their Dad about 5 or 6 times a year, briefly, and I know it's not GREAT, but when he does show up, the children have his attention and he buys them gifts and lunch and they have a nice afternoon..... 6 times a year. BUT they both seem content and don't have any questions about their dad. He's not some mythical legendary figure in their lives.

Something else we have in common is that I do not speak to my x. It isn't possible. He is controlling and unreasonable and sees nobody else's pov. That's WHY I left him, so he hasn't suddenly become reasonable!

Are you ordered (by court) to send your son overseas?!? The thoughts of my four year old going away without me make me shudder tbh. Poor you and your little guy.

Magaly · 26/04/2010 09:29

"As for having a conversation with exh - see above...he's been 'beaten' and as a matter of honour refuses to be civil with me about anything."

I can relate to this!! even though my x pays NO maintenance, and he sees the kids whenever he comes (nothing formalised he just doesn't come here very often) he feels his 'honour' has been compromised because I dared to leave him. He is English btw. I am making it sound as though he were from a middle eastern country.

HerBeatitude · 26/04/2010 09:42

Gay40 and others of the "didn't you spot it before" brigade:

Hint: men lie about what their attitudes are before they have children. Often, to themselves - they themselves wouldn't have predicted their behaviour after children. I know for a fact that my XP had this fantasy notion of what sort of father he was going to be, which collapsed in the face of reality.

But do go on implying that women are to blame for men's inadequecies. It will keep women who have nice husbands feeling smug that they were wise enough to make the right choices, and it will enable the mysogynist media to continue to blame women for men's behaviour.

SpringyThingy · 26/04/2010 09:43

Can I ask, when he travels, who travels with him? Is he an unnaccompanied minor or does Ex come and get him?
To grant overseas contact to someone so young seems very strange to me.
Is there any way that you can travel with him and check into a hotel nearby? It is such a long way from you that at 4 he probably feels really 'alone'. If he was seeing Dad every week it would be different, but he's not.
FWIW my DSD used to do this. She would come and stay, 9 times out of 10 would have an amazing time. But it felt like a world away from her life...she lives with just mum and although we are just 20 miles away, we are so different. Busy house, filled with kids, out in the sticks e.t.c. She would always get upset when going home. We consulted a child psyc who advised that it was probably bc she felt like she'd been 'unfaithful' to mum. She used to talk of mum sat home on her own waiting for her to come home. There were occasions when this would kick in b4 bed and DH would have to take her home in a right state. It was awful. I tried to encourage mum to come and have dinner here so that DSD could see that we are all part of her life and it all slots together but DH and her can't sit in the same room. She doesn't come and stay any more...mostly bc I persuaded DH that the stress was too much for her. We see her way more now and DH is trying to get involved at her school e.t.c. I think that is so much more healthy for her.