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Original poster

DS just told me something heartbreaking :(

53 replies

Madascheese · 25/04/2010 20:05

I'm so sad for him and I don't know the best way to handle this.

He is 4 and just back from a volcano extended trip to see his Dad overseas.

I see their interraction via webcamming and have long thought my ex doesn't have a very active sort of relationship with DS (it's not very pro active and seems to be more about what ex wants rather than thinking it through from DS's point of view.)

However, i try to be postive and re-inforce their relationship to DS as it's ex and me that have the problem not DS and Ex. I tend to be more child centred in my parenting style so DS and I muddle along as a team with my partner (who we see at weekends)

Anyway, DS is the most cheerful soul on the earth usually but since he's been having overseas visits, he's got more and more clingy (sleeping in with me a lot more)

Tonight as he was struggling not to go to sleep he told me he is too lonely at Daddy's and he doesn't like going to sleep there all on his own.

I've had a chat with him about him never being alone cos he always has his Mummy kisses with him, but he refused to be consoled and just clung to me in tears. Eventually he relaxed and has gone to sleep in his own bed (on a 'deal' he can come into me if he wakes.

I'm sure I'm not the first to have faced this, but it's the first time I've faced it, any guidance, or wise things to tell DS would be really appreciated.
Thanks

OP posts:
SpringyThingy · 26/04/2010 09:50

Sorry went into one there...I also think that you should go back to your cafcass officer to reassess.
My main concern is that you have no way of even discussing this with your ex. This overseas thing is a huge deal and DS is making noises that (for whatever reason) he isn't benefitting from it.

PS Please don't think I was saying this is down to you, you are obv doing your very best in the face of adversity

Original poster
Madascheese · 26/04/2010 09:53

Thanks, this is throwing out some really useful stuff. I'm at work at the moment so not much time to reply, but didn't want any of you to think your contributions are not very valuable for me.

I'm essentially stuck with the situation until DS (ex comes to collect him BTW) is old enough to have his 'wishes and feelings' considered by CAFCASS as is all very tightly bolted down by the court.

DS start school in Sept so overseas visit will be cutailed and ex will have to come over here for weekends, DS and I made a calendar/chart thingy of what was happening when, maybe we need to revisit that again.

Thanks again I'll be back later

OP posts:
Magaly · 26/04/2010 10:12

that will be for the best when he starts school. Travelling is tough on an adult!! how far are they travelling? or would you rather not say? Could he your x stay in your house for a night and you go somewhere else? to a friend or a relative?

It'd make me sick to think of my x in my house, I know, but if it were that or distressed children... I'd choose it.

It would be in your son's comfort zone and there'd be no travelling for him.

Original poster
Madascheese · 26/04/2010 10:17

Ex insists on contact taking place abroad not me! He refuses to let DS talk to me while he's away

He wanted weekends abroad when DS starts school as well but that was knocked on the head and at least after Sept DS will only be doing this during holidays and ex will me integrating into DS's life here a bit more.

Travelling to The Netherlands

OP posts:
Magaly · 26/04/2010 10:21

Oh dear. That is hard. Has a court ordered you to allow this? And for a whole weekend he can't even hear his mum's voice. Your x sounds like a twuntknob. And I know this species well. He is a fine specimen.

It is ridiculous isn't it? In a way, I think I am 'lucky'. Dc2 is mildly on the autistic spectrum and shrieks when he's out of his zone. Not great I know but I know now my x would never snatch the children and take them back to the uk. I'm the one that's 'overseas' really.

HanBanan · 26/04/2010 10:23

Sounds like a load of stress for you. Surely he can't stop your son talking to you when he's away?!

Fliight · 26/04/2010 10:31

Sorry, Madaschees, I didn't mean to get into a row on your thread but I hope you understand why I can't (and many of us can't) afford to let that kind of comment go unchallenged.
Gay, this is not relevant to the thread or to the OP's situation. May I suggest we, or you, take it elsewhere.

Original poster
Madascheese · 26/04/2010 10:41

Fliight - not a problem honestly, I just didn't want people getting stressed on my behalf when I'm genuinely open to suggestions advice and questions.

I do respect where you're coming from.

OP posts:
Fliight · 26/04/2010 10:44

thanks

MiniMousse · 26/04/2010 12:23

I am so sorry for your situ madascheese. I really can't understand how the court could order a child so young to travel alone abroad and then not be allowed to contact his mum while he is away. How horribly stressful for him and you. Ironic that the court will not 'take his opinion into account' until he is older... why do courts not offer MORE protection to the littlest, most vulnerable ones who can't speak up for themselves?
Sorry, bit of a rant as facing similar situ with dd (19 mo) and proposed weekends away with a dad she doesn't know that well (200 miles away but not overseas) - I am all for contact, but can't really see how long periods away (and even a weekend can seem a long time in the mind of a little person) in a strange place benefits the CHILD - it seems to be a system more geared to the benefit of the ADULT non-resident parent in my opinion.
Is there anyway you could have him assessed by a child psych as someone previously mentioned, and then have a report given to the court? If your ex wants contact, and wants best for his child, why will he not be the one to do the travelling, etc?

Magaly · 26/04/2010 12:26

I agree with you fliight. Nobody has a crystal ball, and occasionally, when somebody, largely through pot luck, lands on their feet and then smugly judges people for having had the ability to see in to the future... it is and . I think that says it all!

Gay40 · 26/04/2010 13:12

Nobody has a crystal ball...and even if they did some people wouldn't use it, just like they don't use the sense they were given.

But agreed, call it time on this thread because it has nothing to do with how OP has handled the situation.

I'll retire to the million other threads because there's no shortage of examples there

nickschick · 26/04/2010 13:21

I too think that once he starts school these overseas trips will have to be cut down - indeed when children start school they spend lots of time having mystery illnesses and so it may be that his trips will not be so frequent .

I really respect the way you are handling the situation and think you are doing everything right.

SpringyThingy · 26/04/2010 17:39

I'm sorry, I just don't get why he flies (?) over from the Netherlands, picks DS up, flies him back and then does it all again a day or so later? That's crazy? I'd get anxious doing all that travelling, it MUST be easier for him to come and say here to see DS?

Original poster
Madascheese · 26/04/2010 17:44

Sorry my omission, DS goes for a week every six weeks at the moment.

When he goes to school, he will go for half the school holidays and ex will come over here for a weekend visit halfway through each half term.

Ex argues that DS should spend time with 'his family' (again I'll stress this is not something I've agreed to it is court imposed)

OP posts:
Original poster
Madascheese · 26/04/2010 18:32

Magaly - did we marry the same man by the way? Honestly your description was spot on!

Mini - yours sounds grim as well, 200 miles is soooo far! I thought about an ed pysc, during the trial but evenutally decided that it would be more likely greater stress for DS and I've tried really hard to keep the ahem 'finer points' of this whole situation away from him.

I guess I really needed a rant and to air it a bit, last week was hugely stressful and I've had to have one of our cats put down today, I think I quite possibly deserve a nice glas of something crisp and white when the DS has gone to bed (wrapped up in his own lovely Thomas the Tank Engine quilt

OP posts:
SpringyThingy · 26/04/2010 18:51

OP you really are handling the whole thing very well. I know from bitter experience how damaging it is to dc's when parents can't resolve things out of their earshot. In the end it will only be a good thing for DS to know his dad and if you can be as relaxed as you are about the whole thing it will help him no end.
I do wonder if you could try and ask for a phone call at least though?

Original poster
Madascheese · 26/04/2010 19:08

I get one session of webcamming per week for 30 minutes.

ex has 2 sessions per week for 30 minutes each.

He says 'if littlemadascheese wants to ring you or webcam I will let him' but he's an out and out liar. DS often says 'Daddy tried to phone you for me but you were out' I'm trying to teach DS how to use the webcam himself!

Anyway, am going to get DS to bed and seriously have a glass of wine!

OP posts:
Tanga · 26/04/2010 19:38

Back to the original post - it's not unusual for people to have very different parenting styles with regard to bedtimes, and some people would find co-sleeping with a four year old unusual. I'm actually having this battle with DH as I think our 4 year old really needs encouraging to sleep in his own bed, rather than climbing into ours!

Also there is no suggestion here that the child is 'afraid' at daddy's, as one poster put - he's expressing himself as lonely - that might simply mean he is on his own after bedtime.

I think OP is doing really well and would like to point out that on the threads where Mums want to move to other countries these issues of how incredibly terrible it is for children to travel away are hardly ever raised. If the child has a stepmum and stepsiblings it is important that he spends time with that family.

Could his reaction be tied in with the fact that due to the volcano he didn't come home when he was expecting to and it all seemed more uncertain than before?

Original poster
Madascheese · 26/04/2010 19:47

Tanga, thanks for that, I think you raise some good points.

There is no stepmum/stepsiblings (as far as I've been told)

Ex is referring to his parents with whom he lives.

OP posts:
nickschick · 27/04/2010 10:25

See now I disagree with Tanga - I think its important that a child in his formative years has a steady reliable home be it with one parent or two and I believe that as a child gets older then he is more prepared to face the 'second home' in another country- of course if parents split and live relatively near to each other then a child can enjoy a good strong relationship in 2 family homes but still knowing which home he will 'belong' at.

Nobody enters a relationship anticipating these events but I do believe its very difficult for children when moved around a lot due to 'shared care'.

Original poster
Madascheese · 27/04/2010 10:46

Personally, my feeling is that is should be the parents who deal with 'inconvenience' of a split rather than the children.

I have some sympathy with people who want to move countries after a split, but the I think tis their duty and responsibility to minimise the impact that will have on their children.

ex chose (sorry pressured me) to start a family, he knew where we lived. When we split it was him who decided to move back to Mummy and Daddies (wouldn't have to work as fmaily are loaded) and it's him who thinks it's ok for his 4 year old DS to be ferried backwards and forwards at ex's beck and call.

We're the adults, littlemad is the child. However we got there, I did agree to start a family with ex, that makes littlemad my responsibility. However it works out, whatever unexpected shit life throws at me, it's up to me to deal with it, not to make littlemad cope with stuff inappropriately.

Having ranted said all that, littlemad is an utter sweetheart and I don't have a great problem accepting the responsibility, just pisses me off that his Dad is such an arse.

['...and breathe' emoticon]

OP posts:
mummytime · 27/04/2010 11:10

Okay - hug.

Now, has your DS got a special toy? If so could you try using some lavender oil on it? That helps my kids relax, and if he is taking a Teddy smelling of Lavender with him you can feel you are giving him something special.
Also do reassure him that a) you miss him when he's away and are pleased when he returnes, b) that Mummy isn't lonely and pinning without him, tell him about people you saw, silly soppy T you watched, boring work you did. Not too fun, but not too lonely either.

Do also talk about how he felt when he wasn't coming home when expected, get him to draw pictures, build models etc. As kids this age find expressing their feelings hard to express. Do tell him that you were sad, and worried about when he would come, but pleased he was safe with Daddy, not stranded next to the volcano etc. (Act, and be the adult, reassure your son you are always there. Tell him everyday you love him. Tell him lots of positive messages over and over again, so that he really hears them even when you are appart.)

Good luck!

SpringyThingy · 27/04/2010 11:29

Just want to say hugs really!
And that I think littlemad is supremely lucky to have such a level headed, grounded mum. Your ex sounds impossible but you're keeping it together so well, I admire you.
With such great foundations from you, littlemad will flourish with confidence and one day may thank you for his multicultural childhood?

nickschick · 27/04/2010 12:05

joins in with the hug fest