Am i in the wrong, really ?? What do you all do in this situation ?

[MrsMorgan]

On Wed night, I had a 'friend' round for a drink and yeh some stuff went on, but I didn't sleep with him.

He came over well after my kids had gone to bed and left at 5ish.

So, I thought the kids knew nothing about it, but apparently they did, as they have just announced in front of xp who has gone nuts and called me all of the names under the sun and said I am disgusting for having a man over that the kids don't know.

I don't think I have done anything wrong though. I won't be having a relationship with him so my kids don't need to meet him as they will never see him, and also why am I not allowed a life ?? The kids being in the house is the reason I didn't sleep with him, so it's not like I didn't think about it.

Xp is jealous, I know that but ffs we have been split up for 4 years and I have told him over and over that there is no way we will ever get back together.
I'm slightly worried now that he might figure out who it is, because one of my dc might have heard me mention the name in passing.

Did I handle this all wrong then ??

Legal aid is means tested. If you are on benefits you should be entitled to completely free help and under the circumstances you deserve it. If you have any income or savings/assets you may have to contribute towards costs.

Have you actually seen anyone at all to get a hold of your position legally?
I would advise you do - better to know your position and rights from the off.
His behaviour is harrassment or certainly getting there. It needs checking.

No have never seen anyone for advice, as although xp has always been an idiot, he has never been quite this bad.

We split 4 yrs ago and he moved in with his sister, then a bedsit and now lives within spitting distance of my house, and can see it from his block easily. So basically it is easy for him to know my every move.

I was never keen on him living this close, but accepted it for the kids sakes.

We were not married, thank god.

sounds like you are well shot of your XP

MrsM contact WOmen's Aid for advice. You do need a restraining order against this man, he is harassing and abusing you and abusing his DC by using them as spies and stalking you.

MrsM, I do sympathise having been through something similar with my Ex, when we first split up. He wasn't content with getting the DC to act as spies (there was nothing for them to spy on, but that didnt stop him!) but also made various abusive phone calls to men he 'thought' I was seeing.....

He has since met someone else and apparently calmed down, and is no long although this could well be because he knows I am single. The true test will come as & when I meet anyone new.

My Ex was only like this for the first year (which was long enough!) if yours is still carrying on 4 years after you split, I cant see him giving up in a hurry, it doesnt look like he has even started to move on, or that he ever will of his own accord. On that basis i entirely agree with going down the legal route; its unhealthy for him to put your DC under pressure to spy, and its also v unhealthy for him not to be getting on with his own life after so long. I think he needs some form of a legal kick up the arse (as a lawyer how I wish at times those could legally be administered!) to show him this cant go on, and that you won't stand for any more of his nonsense! Good luck with it....Ex's though - you spend many crap years with them, split up, and they still try to make your life hell!

Thank's for the advice. All of this is making me feel quite panicky now tbh.

It's not helping that it is half term, because I feel like I have got no space to sort anything out anyway.

If xp does have them tomorrow, which I doubt, then I will do some ringing around I think.

Just had him ranting at me again on msn, which I only have him on because he doesn't always have credit on his phone.

He demanded to know if he could take the kids to this recording thing and I said that he hadn't yet told me wether he was having them wed afternoon/night and he went off his head saying i only want him to have them so i can go shagging.

I explained that what I do whilst he has the kids is nothing to do with him, but that he was hurting the kids by messing them about.

He said as long as he was ruining my life that was fine. I was killing him and he hopes one day I find out what it is like to feel like him.

MrsM STOP ENGAGING WITH THIS MAN. Get someone else (your mum? A mate) to deal with him WRT his contact with the DC and simply stop speaking to him or taking his calls until you have got legal advice. Remember, his DC have a right to a relationship with him, he has NO RIGHTS over YOU. Get someone like a relative or friend to say to him 'XP, MrsM wants nothing to do with you until you can behave like a civilised adult, so your arrangements for the DC are going to be through me and if you keep pestering her she's going to call the police'.
The more you engage with this knobber, the more he will carry on, he needs firmly putting in his place and you are going to have to get the police involved at least once I think.

I don't think I know anyone who I can ask to do that though. When he is vile, he is really vile and I'd not be happy asking anyone of my friends or relatives to act as a go between.

I know I do need some legal advice and I am going to try and sort that this week if my mum can have my dc.
Believe me, if he comes round here and kicks off I will ring the police asap. Hoping for the kids sakes that he doesn't do that though.

MrsM you will get legal aid if you are on benefits.

If you apply for a contact order, it won't take very long to come through.

You can ask for handover to be done at a local contact centre to avoid seeing him, then if you plan it right contact could end on a school day and you could pick her up from school, thus no contact with him necessary.

You won't ever be able to force him to have her though, and if he's like my ex, he'll use this as a way of controlling you by cancelling etc. So always have a backup plan ready if you're going out, that way he doesn't get to ruin your life.

I'd have a word with your dd and say if daddy asks lots of questions about you, to just say she doesn't know. That way she doesn't have to feel disloyal and he'll get fed up asking eventually.

Make lots of notes about each occasion and bring it up in court, so that they are aware of what he's like.

You are entitled to a life, cut him out of it asap. I'd also talk to the Police and tell them what's been happening, so that if you do need to call them, they'll respond quicker, even if it's just to prevent a breach of the peace.

This will send him a clear message that you mean business.

If I apply for a contact order, what actually happens ?? Will I have to go to court ?

What about a restraining order/injunction ?

MrsM please call Women's Aid, they will give you similar advice to what you are getting on here but somehow it always seems more real when it;s on the end of a phone rather than online. Tell them your XP is stalking and harassing you and psychologically abusing the DC by asking them to spy on you and cutting their time with him short in order to inconvenience you (which causes them distress). Write down everything you remember of his abusive behaviour, save texts, print out nasty emails etc and inform the police of his harassment.
Above all, remember that this man is IN THE WRONG. He doesn;t own you. YOu are entitled to have as much sex with as many people as you like and it is not, and never will be, his business.

I don't have any experience of restraining orders MrsM, but for a contact order you will need to go to court.

Thanks, I will ring WA, but would rather do it when the kids aren't around.

Is it true that SS will get involved if I take a retraining order out on him ??

look on here

Thanks Dolly.

Things finally seemd to have calmed down for now, and contact arrangements have been talked through and have gone back to normal.

I fully expect xp to back out of contact at some point, but I have told him that if he does he can explain to the kids why.

He dropped them back this morning and thought he could find out what I did last night by being nice to me . I just said I am not discussing my life with you and that was that.

Hi!
Just read this post and am aware that its been a while since the last post.
One thing though many things that bother me about things that have been said (though don't get me wrong its much easier to deal with the cr*p hes giving you than to hear about it), is that if this man is like this with you what is he like with your daughter? and what will he be like when she starts bringing boyfriends home or when as teenagers do decide that actually they would rather go to a sleepover than spend the weekend with dad?

Even if you don't want to go to court over custody why not arrange an informal discussion with a police person who specialises in abuse etc and ask for a meeting to get some advice at least for protection on his abusive behaviour even without requesting a restraining order.

Please write down and get a copy of all the texts and messages hes sent you and keep a record of the dates and times of various events (out of the way of prying eyes though!) Prob best to make two copies and give a set to a well trusted friend who won't gossip etc
Then you can easily provide it as evidence if he causes trouble and the police then won't believe him when he starts trying to cast doubt over your accussations.

Please take care and protect yourself and you family!

Your ex is trying to control the situation. He has no right to do so. You went out of your way to consider your children. Is your ex living the life of a monk?