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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Am i in the wrong, really ?? What do you all do in this situation ?

68 replies

MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 15:35

On Wed night, I had a 'friend' round for a drink and yeh some stuff went on, but I didn't sleep with him.

He came over well after my kids had gone to bed and left at 5ish.

So, I thought the kids knew nothing about it, but apparently they did, as they have just announced in front of xp who has gone nuts and called me all of the names under the sun and said I am disgusting for having a man over that the kids don't know.

I don't think I have done anything wrong though. I won't be having a relationship with him so my kids don't need to meet him as they will never see him, and also why am I not allowed a life ?? The kids being in the house is the reason I didn't sleep with him, so it's not like I didn't think about it.

Xp is jealous, I know that but ffs we have been split up for 4 years and I have told him over and over that there is no way we will ever get back together.
I'm slightly worried now that he might figure out who it is, because one of my dc might have heard me mention the name in passing.

Did I handle this all wrong then ??

OP posts:

Dollytwat · 02/04/2010 22:51

That's outragious MrsM, are you OK?

TheCrackFox · 02/04/2010 22:55

Pour yourself a large glass of wine.

He is a cock and is being so unfair on the children.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 00:59

MrsM you need to get contact/access formalised via a solicitor and to cut contact with your XP. He is an abusive bully and you need both to accept and to formally inform him that he has no rights over you and you do not wish any contact with him of any kind unless it's to do with the children.
TBH men like this are potentially dangerous. He thinks you are his property and is willing to distress the children in order to harass you.
He may well just be a squawking tantrum-thrower, but some men with this kind of feeling of 'ownership' of women escalate rapidly to serious violence when the woman in question refuses to be owned: you need to ensure you have legal protection in place in case he does start to escalate.

Dollytwat · 03/04/2010 09:19

I agree with SGB, you need something formalised. If he's going to quiz the children about who you've had round it's going to be very unpleasant for them.

They'll end up not wanting to go, and he needs to see that he'll lose them emotionally if he carries on.

There is a new course, apparently, called Parenting Apart, perhaps you could try to get on this?

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 03/04/2010 10:46

I am worried that formalising things might antagonise things though tbh.

We did end up having a half decent chat, but I do not trust him to stick to what he said at all.

I think I might see what happens thiis week wrt him having the kids and also wether he manages to leave me alone and then take it from there.

If he carries on as he did yesterday then I will withdraw contact and see a solicitor.

Will look up that course too.

I am slightly worried that I am now going to be the subject of estate gossip too, as he won't keep this quiet, but have had to face that before so I should be able to handle that.

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instructionstothedouble · 03/04/2010 10:52

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

MrsMorgan · 03/04/2010 10:56

No, most of them are far worse tbh lol.

I am not scared of him in the him hitting me or anything sense, more that he is never going to leave me be.

I wish he'd meet someone else.

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instructionstothedouble · 03/04/2010 11:58

This reply has been deleted

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SolidGoldBrass · 04/04/2010 01:12

Look, MrsM, you owe this bellend NOTHING. It doesn't matter that he objects to you leaving him. You had and have every right to leave a partner who you are not happy with, and the way he is behaving at the moment shows that he was a crap partner who you left for good reasons. Please stop feeling guilty, stop feeling that you should consider his feelings ie live a totally celibate life and/or take him back and submit to his every whim again.
He's a shit. That;s why you left him. You were right to do so.
Remember that he can be legally forced to leave you alone, to make no attempts to contact you except through a third party re the DC. And if he harasses and abuses you despite being formally legally prohibited from harassing and abyusin you, he can go to prison (and find out for himself what it feels like to have someone else feel such a sense of ownershuip and entitlement).

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 04/04/2010 11:44

Oh don't worry, I do not feel like I owe him a thing. When we were together he had several chances to make things work and he was too selfish.

I haven't heard from him since Friday evening, he hasn't bothered to check that the kids are ok after he kicked off ww3, but then I am not surprised at that.

The test now will be a) wether he still bothers to have them on wed, and b) if he does have them, wether he can resist checking up on me.

I have kept the txts that he sent me on Friday just incase I do end up having to take it further.

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Original poster

MrsMorgan · 04/04/2010 17:22

I am having major problems with 12yr old dd since it all kicked off the other night

She basically hates me and I know it is only her taking too much notice of what her dad is saying but I can't take much more from her. She is speaking to me like I am a piece of shit, and any time I tell her off for anything at all, or refuse to let her do something she goes off one on.

Not sure what to do with her.

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SolidGoldBrass · 05/04/2010 09:54

Oh that's rough MrsM - 12 is unfortunately an age when DDs in particular can be horrible anyway. She doesn't hate you, she's a confused cocktail of hormones who's going to have trouble sorting out her own feelings about her own potential sexuality anyway, and if it wasn't you having a male friend that upset her it would be things like: rows over what she can wear and who she can spend time with, or (in other circumstances) she could take exception to her actual parents having any kind of intimate relationship.
Try to stay calm and firm with her and if she mentions your new man, say calmly that you are entitled to have friends just as she is, and that if Daddy loses his temper, that;s just Daddy losing his temper and Daddy will get over it (with loads of reassurance that Daddy and Mummy still love DD and none of it is her fault).

compo · 05/04/2010 10:00

ooh MrsM, good for you! you deserve to have some fun at at 12 your dd should accept that you need your own life too

have you got a 'date' set up with him? maybe on Wednesday?

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 05/04/2010 10:06

Yes you are right, and I was kind of relieved to find out that she came on her period last night, so i think some of it was pmt. She has been alot calmer and nicer since lol.

I haven't mentioned the bloke to them yet at all though because for all I know I might not see him again.

There was a slight breakthrough yesterday in how they think of their dad. Xp's eldest dd from hiis first marriage had put on fb that she was at the ball pool with their dad, and their nephew.
Dd1 was furious and rang him to ask why he'd not taken them along aswell. As usual he had a couple of excuses lined up but dd was not fooled.

Whilst I do not want them to hate their dad at all, I think they do need to realise that he doesn't always do the best by them. Dd1 finally seemed to get that yesterday.

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Original poster

MrsMorgan · 05/04/2010 10:09

No, no more dates, he is busy this week.

I was a bit bothered by letting myself getting drawn into a no strings thing at first, but now I don't care lol. I just want to have some fun and remember who I am.

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fluffles · 05/04/2010 10:20

i could be way off mark here but with a 12 yr old i'd be tempted to sit her down and talk to her - tell her you had a male friend over but that you didn't do anything romantic with him. but also that one day you might have a new boyfriend but if you do you'll make sure she gets to meet him.

i think that would be better than her thinking you have a new 'secret boyfriend' or that you're having sex with random men.

i know it's awkward but given what she will have already heard her father say and the age she is then unless she's a very young 12 i would go for a little bit of honesty or her imagination will run riot.

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 05/04/2010 10:39

Oh I did explain that he was a friend when it all kicked off. I said I knew him from a while ago and that he came round for a drink.

I just haven't mentioned it since, or gone into it any further, because there doesn't seem to be much point at the moment.

My mate also had a word with both dd's yesterday, along the lines of 'your mum is a person too, not just your mum'.

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SolidGoldBrass · 05/04/2010 10:59

Actually ,Fluffles, one of the best things anyone could teach their DC about sex and relationships is that responsible casual sex is a good thing. That it's perfectly OK to sleep with loads of people if you want to as long as you treat all of them with courtesy and kindness, don't lie to them or yourself, and expect the same level of good behaviour from them. It is, of course, equally OK to want sex only in the context of a commited relationsip as long as you understand that people who take the opposite approach are just as entitled to their preferences as you are, and what matters is the kindness and the honesty, not the number of partners.

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 05/04/2010 11:30

Well the dd's just popped round to my mums to fetch something, and they saw xp. The first thing he asked was 'had any visitors'

OP posts:

mamas12 · 05/04/2010 12:05

Bloody hell I would let him know in no uncertain terms that he is not allowed to use your dcs as spies and also let the dcs know that that behaviour is ridiculous.
Unfortunately for your dd she is just waking up to finding out what a twat her dad is and that's going to be tough for you all because of cours she still loves him.
sigh.
Just keep calm and tell the truth and be kind to each other.

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 05/04/2010 13:35

Can someone tell me what will happen if i formalise contact ??

It's not going to stop him canceling seeing them at the last mo is it ?? Is there any point then.

He is supposed to be having them wed afternoon til thurs lunchtime this week but is refusing to say wether he is or not.

I only want to let the kids know what they are doing this week thats all.

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Original poster

MrsMorgan · 05/04/2010 16:27

Fgs he has just turned up at the park whilst we were there.

He rang to say he needed to ask me something about the kids, and he then waffled about nothing, during which time he asked where we were. I didn't think and jut said xxx.

He then started rowing with me and hung up. About 15 min later he txts 'thought you were in the park, i can't see you'.
Then we walk around the corner and there he is.

He said i gave him no choice but to come to the park as I wouldn't speak to him

He so obviously was checking where we were and who with.

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allegrageller · 05/04/2010 16:35

hoooooly fuck MrsM- he is abusive and controlling and also abusive to your kids, using them as spies and manipulating them- you must be furious.

Glad to hear dd's hormones have sorted out and agree with SGB- no harm in them knowing you have your own life and needs.

I totally agree with other posters that you need to get down in writing somehow that his behaviour is harrassing and unacceptable. A restraining order does not sound too far off the mark?!

RedBlueRed · 05/04/2010 16:44

He has an unhealthy interest in your personal life and whereabouts doesn't he?

It needs to be dealt with otherwise he will continue to put the kids in the middle asking them things that are none of his business.

What about a formal solicitors letter asking him to refrain? Might that make him think twice about messing them around over contact too?

Original poster

MrsMorgan · 05/04/2010 16:50

Yes that sounds like what I need, a letter telling him to piss off, but worded better lol.

Will I have to pay for that though, because if so there there is no way. I am currently on benefits so would I get legal aid.

I could have cried when he turned up at the park. We'd had such a nice time and then there he was.

I need to write down what I want don't I.

Stick to agreed contact times/arrangements
Do not question the dc about me
Do not come to my house or follow me

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