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Original poster

Am i in the wrong, really ?? What do you all do in this situation ?

68 replies

MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 15:35

On Wed night, I had a 'friend' round for a drink and yeh some stuff went on, but I didn't sleep with him.

He came over well after my kids had gone to bed and left at 5ish.

So, I thought the kids knew nothing about it, but apparently they did, as they have just announced in front of xp who has gone nuts and called me all of the names under the sun and said I am disgusting for having a man over that the kids don't know.

I don't think I have done anything wrong though. I won't be having a relationship with him so my kids don't need to meet him as they will never see him, and also why am I not allowed a life ?? The kids being in the house is the reason I didn't sleep with him, so it's not like I didn't think about it.

Xp is jealous, I know that but ffs we have been split up for 4 years and I have told him over and over that there is no way we will ever get back together.
I'm slightly worried now that he might figure out who it is, because one of my dc might have heard me mention the name in passing.

Did I handle this all wrong then ??

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 02/04/2010 15:41

Tell your xp to go fuck himself.

If you'd fucked the guy from the chandelier, it would be none of your xp's business.

You have the right to date other men and to invite them into YOUR life and YOUR home if you want to.

It is absolutely NONE of your XP's business. NONE. NONE, WHATSOEVER. Don't let him tell you it is.

You didn't introduce him to your kids, so you acted responsibly and sensibly. If you have a relationship with a bloke which means that at some stage, you will want to introduce him to your DC's, you will have a right to do so. Your XP will mither and scream at you and call you a slag because he feels ownership of you, but you can ignore him. It is NONE of his business. Please believe that.

HerBeatitude · 02/04/2010 15:43

Also, if you introduced him to the kids, they would know him, wouldn't they, so would your XP think that was any better?

Of course he wouldn't.

He just doesn't think you have the right to have a sex life, because he feels sexual ownership of you.

His problem.

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 15:45

Thank you

Originally when this guy aasked if he could come over I said no, because of the kids. Then i said ok, but only for a drink. Ok we had a kiss and a cuddle but thats it.

I honestly didn't realise that my kids had guessed that i'd had anyone here. They reckon they heard the door shut though.

I have had no life for 4 yrs, I think I deserve one.

I hate xp, it feels like he will never let me go.

OP posts:
instructionstothedouble · 02/04/2010 15:48

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Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2010 15:49

Look, any time your XP mentions your sex life at all, just look him in the eye and say 'Shut up. It's none of your business.'No matter what he says, just keep repeating those two sentences, because they are all the truth you need.
Depending on the age of your DC if he starts to say unpleasant things to them about you, you can stop unsupervised contact if his behaviour is unacceptable (though I think you have to give him a formal warning first). If your DC are old enough to have some understanding of the fact that you might want or have other partners, keep everything calm and factual and bare-minimum with them: Mummy has friends same as they have friends, some friends come round a lot and some don't, but it isn't Daddy's business.

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 15:52

Thank you all, glad you all agree.

I probably won't even see this bloke again or not for a while anyway so I think I went about it all the right way.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 16:16

FGS ex has just txt saying that from now on, when he has the kids, I have to take and collect them as he isn't coming anywhere near the house again.

How pathetic.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2010 16:24

Yes, but isn't it lovely? You don't have to have the knobber in your house again. Just text back 'FIne by me' and switch the phone off - smiling indifference is the best way to deal with men like this.
Or is it really difficult and tie-consuming to take the DC to and from his?

agasarecool · 02/04/2010 16:29

He sounds just like my XH. I agree, just keep telling him it is none of your business.

I have to admit I get get really fed up with him "calling down" in the mornings to get stuff that the kids had 'forgotten'.

Once I had arranged for a male friend to stay over and answer the door in his boxers he never did it again. And it was just a friend, to make that very very clear.

instructionstothedouble · 02/04/2010 16:33

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 16:39

Lol i wish

He has now txt saying he is bringing them back after tea instead of having them overnight.

He is never gonna let me live my life is he, I can't stand it.

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Original poster
MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 16:40

The kids are at his now by the way.

He has just screamed at me down the phone that he is furious with me for doing THAT with the kids there.

I didn't do anything. I fucking wanted to but I didn't.

OP posts:
instructionstothedouble · 02/04/2010 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheCrackFox · 02/04/2010 16:47

He sounds like a right Dick. He cares about the DCs so much that ".... he is bringing them back after tea instead of having them overnight." He will gladly used his own DCs to punish you with but at the same time trying to have the moral highground.

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 16:56

Thank's, have just sobbed for england, and then had a txt from my 'friend' so was sobbing and grinning like a loon all at the same time lol.

I did say to him, does he not realise that he is punishing the kids for what he thinks I have done.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2010 16:57

Honestly, don't react to him at all., If he screams at you again, say 'I'm not listening to this' and hang up the phone.
And if you don't already have other people who can babysit sometimes, start looking into it, because unfortunately he is going to start being unreliable in order to sabotage you having a social life, so you need to get contingency plans in place. Otherwise, treat him with calm indifference. Remember his opinion DOES NOT MATTER and nor does he, apart from the unforunate fact that his behaviour may hurt the dcs.

TheCrackFox · 02/04/2010 17:09

As usual good advice from SGB.

Look into arranging your social life without needing him to look after the DCs. Do you have any family or good friends that could pitch in?

Make sure you have fun with the DCs tonight to compensate for their dad being an arse. Remember, he is the one losing out on all of this.

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 17:18

My mum will always babysit and thats fine for me going out, but not so fine for me entertaining at home if you get my drift lol.

My mum can't have them all at hers as the place isn't big enough.

I will figure something out though cos there is no bloody way I am letting xp dictate what I can and can't do.

OP posts:
Niceguy2 · 02/04/2010 17:24

He's just a hypocritical jealous knobhead.

Next time he says anything, just say "Well at least I don't have to fake it anymore!"

tiredemma · 02/04/2010 17:37

God what an absolute twat.

Tanga · 02/04/2010 19:33

How dare he punish the kids because he is in a temper? Text back and say 'sorry - it's your night, you'll have to find a babysitter if you can't have them' Tosser.

outnumbered2to1 · 02/04/2010 21:03

sorry but your XP sounds like an absolute wanker. Are you supposed to live like the virgin mary just cos you two have split? and using the kids against you is just not on. Whenever he starts his shite again just tell him "my sex life became none of your business the minute we split up" and if you wanted to get nasty you could add that when you were together you had a better secual relationship with your vibrator than with him (did this to my ex - he wasn't happy but the look on his face was worth it)

Primroselady · 02/04/2010 21:45

My XP did exactly same reaction except he found out cos watching house. He went mad he then over reacted completely to cut long story short he ended up with aharassment order not to come near me and his contact with ds has been cut down as a result.

Like you I believed I did right thing by not telling ds as I didnt want him to meet anyone unless serious relationship.

The best part is I then found out he has a new partner and child, so why why why cant he leave me alone??

It makes me feel better to know other men act some way

Dollytwat · 02/04/2010 21:55

MrsM my xh is as much of a wanker as your xp.

Don't talk to him about anything other than tthe children. It's nothing to do with him.

If he's anything like my xh he'll try to control you with contact - cancelling etc just to mess up any plans he thinks you may have. Just say OK and DON'T let him know it pisses you off.

And enjoy your new budding relationship, don't let twunt spoil it for you.

Original poster
MrsMorgan · 02/04/2010 22:44

God well it went really tits up after I last posted.

He did bring the kids back. My eldest ended up screaming at me how much she hated me etc and I was so upset cos I really had done nothing wrong.

I ended up getting my mum round to watch the kids whilst i went round xp's and had it out with him.

At first he was all 'i am NEVER letting you go' etc, but eventually he seemed to calm down.

So this week now he is supposed to be having the dc overnight on friday as normal AND wed to make up for tonight, but we'll see.

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