kids have just gone back to dad's for half of the week, so sad

[allegrageller]

I was wondering how other lone mums with 50% custody cope with the 'handover'....

my ex h actually has his childcare done by a nanny but I've been effectively bullied into 50:50 and barred by threat of legal action and financial shit from giving up work to look after them (apparently the nanny is better than me and if I sack her and look after the kids myself he will take me to court under hte Children Act...and he is quite insane enough to do that)

ds2 is only 2.11 and cried so much this morning when she took him away....it isn't so bad with ds1 who's 6 and a half, he is that bit more self-sufficient plus I can chat to him on the phone when not with him.

Just feel so sad and miss them so much and also worried about the effect on them

[cestlavielife]

i meant red herring as in dont get into arguments of a profressional nanny loving the child less etc - that isnt relevant. school teachers "love them less" but you still send them to school, etc.

anyway - more to the point - so what is the actual arrangement in terms of days? ie by friday - how long is it since you saw them?

and what is wrong with the nannny bringing them to see you at your place? then leaving them with you? til he picks them up?

i think by agreeing to babysit them at his place you playing into his hands - i know you miss them but this arrangement seems bizarre....

which four days does nanny work and which of those days are "yours"?
what days do they go to his?

can you change it so less time separated - split the week differently? eg max two days away?

maybe by setting out the actual days/times weekly schedul here someone might be able to make suggestiosn for better system, which you can then propose to him in writing.

and eliminate the bit where you go to his place to babysit - if he in charge and is his day is up to him to organize childcare eg nanny stays longer or he gets back on time!

[mamas12]

This is an awful situation you are in you sound v. fightnened of this man.
But tell me, what would happen if you do pick them up on the friday after the nanny goes and take them home with you?
You are their mother and perfectly entitled to. Why is he controlling when and where you are allowed to see your own children.
Do what you think is in the childrens best interest and then let him take you to court.

Do you have some support ? Are you in touch with Womens Aid to help you talk to him?

[allegrageller]

hmm can't see how being deprived of a loving parent in favour of a carer isn't relevant in the time ds1 isn't in school and in the whole time ds2 (who isn't 3 year is with her). As I've said, I'm sitting at home missing them while H insists they stay with the 'better' carer. That seems relevant to me.

they go to him on Tuesday night on alternate weeks and on Wednesdays the other week (he insisted on a rigid 50:50 you see).

Yeah I don't think he would agree to pick them up from mine on Fridays. That would put him out, you see. It's all about his convenience. but you can see that not having seen my kids sometimes since Tuesday morning (as the nanny tends to whip ds2 off to classes and parks etc at 9am) i miss them terribly.

i think a 2 days split each way might be better. i may suggest that but 'rigid' is his middle name.

[mamas12]

But it doesn't have to be about his 'regime' does it?
Why is it all down to him.
You are the other parent in this 50:50 parenting and that also means deciding that this isn't right. It's not just about 50:50 residency. It seems your opinions count for nothing re: your own children.
Get more support to stand up to him on your behalf.
You need to do this on behalf of your dcs too.
What an awful job that nanny must have, I can just hear him giving her her orders too.

[cestlavielife]

they go on tuesday or thurdsay to him til when? til saturday evening?

so you have them sat evening til tuesday one week then sat evening to wednesday ?

there must be an alterative arrangement over two week period so you each get one whole weekend.

so something like: sat -sun with you; mon tues with him; wed thur with you - fri sat sunday with him; mon tues with you; wed thurs with him; fri sat sun with you

[coldtits]

he's talking complete bullshit. You need legal advice. He is banking on you not getting any - so get some.

ridiculous that your children are being cared for by a nanny when you are available.

[coldtits]

hello??

is there a person in her own right in there?

it doesn't matter how rigid he is.

It doesn't matter what he does and does not want.

it doesn't matter what is convenient for him

It doesn't matter what he has 'arranged'.

What matters is what he i legally entitled to do, and he is not legally entitled to make all the decisions. Just Say No.

There isn't a court in this land who will rule that a child should be taken from a competant mother to be left with a nanny all day.

Stop being frightened of this prick! he has a ridiculous come-face, just like everyone else.

Get advice. Get this challanged legally.

[allegrageller]

coldtits I do have advice but sadly the law in this land DOES in fact pay a lot of attention to what he has arranged. As in, it becomes a 'status quo' issue and family courts always want to preserve the status quo.

however i do agree that changing said status quo to let me as the mother take care of the kids is more likely to get past a court.

lol@ ridiculous come face, not sure i can remember it now (no bad thing btw)

[GypsyMoth]

the status quo when you finally GET to court will be wht you make it from now on though....so tell him about the changes

tell him...dont ask,and yes,you need to stop going in and out of each others houses

[mamas12]

How long has the nanny been there and how long have you been the staus quo mother?
Coldtits is right, why aren't you acting on your own decisions and taking care of your own children?
What is stopping you?

[allegrageller]

mamas you are right. My opinions do count for nothing with him. After all, he is the 'better parent' etc. he consistently belittles me and blindsides me with legal threats- and believe me I've had to fight tooth and claw for the little progress i've had thus far.

it's hard to stand up to a bully when you are depressed and have chronic fatigue ( I am not just lazy and weak, i really have been ill honest!! Still dont' feel great but realising I have to do something about this)

[mamas12]

Get some rl support then.
Ring womens Aid now and talk to someone independant with more knowledge about this sort of thing than him and stop listening to him and start doing something about it.
I promis you will start to feel a little better once you have gained back just a little control.
Do it now

[coldtits]

So make an executive decision as the child's mother to sack the nanny, take the children home with you, don't return them until he is available to spend a full day with them.

By only having them on days he is working, he is proving quite clearly to everyone involved that this is not a child protection issue - this is a 'making my ex feel like shit' issue.

You are their MOTHER. If you don't like the status quo, CHANGE it. Take them home with you and refuse to retrun them until he can be reasonable about not leaving them with a child carer they hate. He's clearly not working with their best interests at heart.

No more 'babysitting'. They're your children. practically speaking, they BELONG to to. Take possession of the responsibility for them.

[mamas12]

He is talking bullshit and you are frightened so getting help to support your decisions re: your own children makes sense.
You can do it, don't tell him until you have mad a plan.
Ring womens aid.

[allegrageller]

3blonde- when i told him i was giving up work to look after the kids was when he said he would take me to court for doing this and prove i was unfit to look after the kids f/t

Oh also, some background that may explain why I accepted the situation to date- I was still working in another city until recently and had to stay over there to work for 2/3 nights which I hated. I put a stop to this as i wanted to be with the kids more. however he is now claiming that the fact that I used to work away is further proof that i am a bad, neglectful mother and that I dont' have sufficient experience to look after them f/t (!?)

[mamas12]

mad a plan!!

[allegrageller]

yep mamas will do women's aid. i thought before that they were only for victims of domestic violence tbh.

[mamas12]

Will you stop listening to him he is talking CRAP

[allegrageller]

mamas, a mad plan?! no problem

[mamas12]

You are being victimised by your ex.
Phone them now and good luck

[mamas12]

What is stopping you from doing exactly what coldtits suggests btw.

[allegrageller]

I know she's right. it's just the fear of downright abuse from him in front of them...he has done that before and it really scared them. Etc.

[mamas12]

Then don't answer the door and tell him if he continues the abuse on the phone you will put it down and then do so.
He cannott do this. He is the abuser of the children in that situation, honestly.

He is not your boss, he is not your father, he is not your headmaster.
He is your EX husband.
You don't have to answer to him.

You don't have to face him or talk to him.
If he gets aggressive outside your door you have every right to call the police and get them to have a word with him.
Have you called womens aid yet?

[mamas12]

Sorry I came accross as agressively asking if you've called womens aid yet. Didn't mean to. I am concerned that all that is coming out your mind is what he has told you and not in fact the truth.

[coldtits]

if he starts abusing you in front of the children, take the children by the hand and leave. DOn't respond. If he becomes physically aggressive (oh please, please, let him become physically aggressive) call the police and have him charged with assault and child abuse (for making them witness)