kids have just gone back to dad's for half of the week, so sad

[allegrageller]

I was wondering how other lone mums with 50% custody cope with the 'handover'....

my ex h actually has his childcare done by a nanny but I've been effectively bullied into 50:50 and barred by threat of legal action and financial shit from giving up work to look after them (apparently the nanny is better than me and if I sack her and look after the kids myself he will take me to court under hte Children Act...and he is quite insane enough to do that)

ds2 is only 2.11 and cried so much this morning when she took him away....it isn't so bad with ds1 who's 6 and a half, he is that bit more self-sufficient plus I can chat to him on the phone when not with him.

Just feel so sad and miss them so much and also worried about the effect on them

[cestlavielife]

well done. agree "Don't talk to him - email okay".

dont respond to whatever he says - tell him to go thru your solicitor.

[NicknameTaken]

A good solicitor makes a huge difference! Fingers crossed for the situation to improve!

[mamas12]

Fantastic news! So glad you phoned them.
Worth every penny for all the expertise and to have her to back you up.

Watch out now he will not like it, disengage. Don't talk to him - email okay.
Good luck for the next bit.

[allegrageller]

thanks mamas I'm fine.

I had a lovely weekend with the boys. I still feel very sad and anxious but I have pulled myself together a bit and rang a solicitor recommended by Women's Aid.

She thinks I have a very good case for being able to look after the children myself and that she reckons H will have to pay my legal costs!! (hehe) Also she says it is worth investigating whether I can alter the 'strict' 50:50 he has imposed given that he is only seeing the children for one half of an hour before they go to bed. And if they are with me in the daytime as I am not at work, that's clearly bonkers.

I'll let you know what transpires once she has got a letter out. Blimey these feminist solicitors are expensive though :-0

[mamas12]

Are you ok Alle?

[mamas12]

Alle I hope you are alright and have screwed up enough 'something' in you to ring and accept the help and (correct legal)advice you so desperately need to reclaim not only your children so to speak but your own mind it seems.

I am at work today but will log on again about 5 later on if you need to chat here.

Thinking about you.

[NicknameTaken]

Good strong advice from coldtits and mamas12. You've let him define the rules of the game for a long time now. You've got to seize back some power here. What's the worst he can do? You just might find that he's a paper tiger once you stand up to him.

[mamas12]

It sounds so simple doesn't.
I know you are worried and fearful (your words) of his reaction. That is not normal.
That's why you need to make it simple again and get that rl support behind you and do it.

Please keep posting for more online support here too.

[mamas12]

Just re read your post.

Sack the nanny and take your kids back and let him take you to court.

[mamas12]

Yes this next bit is going to be tough but you do need to do this or I think your depression will deepen if you think you are being denied access to your dcs.

Get some honest to goodness rl person to be with you today or tomorrow (womens aid) and make a plan and be with you to execute it.

You don't have to tell him anything at all until you have decided what is going to happen.

Take control.

[coldtits]

if he starts abusing you in front of the children, take the children by the hand and leave. DOn't respond. If he becomes physically aggressive (oh please, please, let him become physically aggressive) call the police and have him charged with assault and child abuse (for making them witness)

[mamas12]

Sorry I came accross as agressively asking if you've called womens aid yet. Didn't mean to. I am concerned that all that is coming out your mind is what he has told you and not in fact the truth.

[mamas12]

Then don't answer the door and tell him if he continues the abuse on the phone you will put it down and then do so.
He cannott do this. He is the abuser of the children in that situation, honestly.

He is not your boss, he is not your father, he is not your headmaster.
He is your EX husband.
You don't have to answer to him.

You don't have to face him or talk to him.
If he gets aggressive outside your door you have every right to call the police and get them to have a word with him.
Have you called womens aid yet?

[allegrageller]

I know she's right. it's just the fear of downright abuse from him in front of them...he has done that before and it really scared them. Etc.

[mamas12]

What is stopping you from doing exactly what coldtits suggests btw.

[mamas12]

You are being victimised by your ex.
Phone them now and good luck

[allegrageller]

mamas, a mad plan?! no problem

[mamas12]

Will you stop listening to him he is talking CRAP

[allegrageller]

yep mamas will do women's aid. i thought before that they were only for victims of domestic violence tbh.

[mamas12]

mad a plan!!

[allegrageller]

3blonde- when i told him i was giving up work to look after the kids was when he said he would take me to court for doing this and prove i was unfit to look after the kids f/t

Oh also, some background that may explain why I accepted the situation to date- I was still working in another city until recently and had to stay over there to work for 2/3 nights which I hated. I put a stop to this as i wanted to be with the kids more. however he is now claiming that the fact that I used to work away is further proof that i am a bad, neglectful mother and that I dont' have sufficient experience to look after them f/t (!?)

[mamas12]

He is talking bullshit and you are frightened so getting help to support your decisions re: your own children makes sense.
You can do it, don't tell him until you have mad a plan.
Ring womens aid.

[coldtits]

So make an executive decision as the child's mother to sack the nanny, take the children home with you, don't return them until he is available to spend a full day with them.

By only having them on days he is working, he is proving quite clearly to everyone involved that this is not a child protection issue - this is a 'making my ex feel like shit' issue.

You are their MOTHER. If you don't like the status quo, CHANGE it. Take them home with you and refuse to retrun them until he can be reasonable about not leaving them with a child carer they hate. He's clearly not working with their best interests at heart.

No more 'babysitting'. They're your children. practically speaking, they BELONG to to. Take possession of the responsibility for them.

[mamas12]

Get some rl support then.
Ring womens Aid now and talk to someone independant with more knowledge about this sort of thing than him and stop listening to him and start doing something about it.
I promis you will start to feel a little better once you have gained back just a little control.
Do it now

[allegrageller]

mamas you are right. My opinions do count for nothing with him. After all, he is the 'better parent' etc. he consistently belittles me and blindsides me with legal threats- and believe me I've had to fight tooth and claw for the little progress i've had thus far.

it's hard to stand up to a bully when you are depressed and have chronic fatigue ( I am not just lazy and weak, i really have been ill honest!! Still dont' feel great but realising I have to do something about this)