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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Had a xmas card from a newly married friend, signed herself, newhusband, & his kids who live with their mum

21 replies

MaggieNollaig · 11/12/2009 12:44

I sent one back to thm all. but i thought, wow, if my x gets married again, i'd feel really upset at the thought of random peripheral acquaintances of his gf writing their names on a christmas card, with no idea who they were, but associating them with her! i mean, harmless weird to think of, n'est pas???????.

aibu?

i posted this here, because i don't want to be savaged. just want a discussion!!

OP posts:

Original poster

MaggieNollaig · 11/12/2009 12:44

there should be a comma and a but after harmless!

OP posts:

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 11/12/2009 12:46

hmm tricky

I don't know - if it was just a GF then I'd probably be a bit - but I suppose if they're actually married then they are her step-children, he might have felt that it would be wrong to exclude his children - when presumably they do spend some time with him (and therefore her?)

nymphadora · 11/12/2009 12:47

I send out cards from me, dh and my kids so I can't really object if xh & gf do the same. Its when they go to the same people it feels weird!

Tillyscoutsmum · 11/12/2009 12:48

Would you prefer your ex h's new family to exclude your dc's ?? (Genuine question - not being arsey !)

I am a step mum and my dsd is very much part of our family. She lives with her mum but she also has a home here. She loves her siblings, her dad and even me. We are her "other" (second ?) family and I would feel awful not including her on xmas/b'day cards etc.

On the flip side, I am a step daughter and used to get upset seeing cards at my dad's house addressed to my dad, step mum and half brothers which didn't include my name

Original poster

MaggieNollaig · 11/12/2009 12:52

yes, in fairness, my friend is actually looking forward to being a step mum to this little girl. she really thinks she's lovely.. and says things like 'i might be a bit biased but i think she has a clever sense of humour for a 7 year old'.

i guess i'm just seeingit from the perspective of somebody coming along and wowing my children. th e more people who love them the better, but even though my friend is my friend, i find myself feeeling for this 7 yo's mother. am i mad? yes i am. but i know i'm mad, which means i'm only half mad not totally mad. i think.

tillyscoutsmum,, i guess as my children don't live with their dad, i would see them as not being part of his 'household' and i see the card as being sent to a household, does that make sense. therefore, yeah, i would see it as oddER if there names were included on a card sent to his house (by somebody who only knew his partner)

OP posts:

Tillyscoutsmum · 11/12/2009 13:02

I don;t think you're mad (or even half mad ).

I think a lot of it does depend on how much time the dc's spend with their dad (and gf etc.) We effectively have shared access (half holidays, every other weekend, 2 nights per week). DSD has a bedroom here, clothes here, toys here. She is treated the same by us and by both of our families as my dc's. Because she spends so much time here and is a big part of our lives, then nearly almost all of my friends have spent some time with her, so they're not strangers iyswim ?

Obviously I feel differently about her than I do my own dd - she's a really lovely child and I love her to bits - but she's not mine. In the same way, I know the way she feels about me in no way compares to how she feels about her mum (and nor should it). I just have horrible memories of being treated very differently (second rate) by my dad and his family than my half brothers and it can really affect a child's self esteem. I'm 35 and it still bothers me sometimes I never want dsd to feel like that

themildmanneredjanitor · 11/12/2009 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 11/12/2009 13:10

I think it would be dreadful if the new wife and step-mum were not to include the children. They are her step-children and therefore part of her family. Very odd if she hadn't included them.

purpleturtle · 11/12/2009 13:16

My sister married a couple of years ago, and her DH has teenage children, who don't live with them, but who we treat as niece & nephew (which is to say I send cards & gifts for Christmas and birthdays), just as we now treat my sister's baby.

I guess it must be weird for their mother, but I don't think I can do anything other than what I do.

Marne · 11/12/2009 13:19

I write my step childrens names on the card if its to someone the step children know (my family and dh's family) ,but now they are getting older the tend to write their own cards.

I don't see a problem, its only a card.

RoseWater · 11/12/2009 13:21

Yes hard for the Mum but they are the father's children and he has remarried so they are also part of that family too. I would think it awful if the children were not considered part of that family.

harimosmummy · 11/12/2009 13:21

Hmm... difficult...

I am SM to two girls, and have been for 11 years now.

Depending on who the card is to, I will often include their names (they used to write their own when they were younger, but that has somewhat lost it's appeal now!!!)

obviously DH's family - they are their family too... but my family have welcomed my DSDs with open arms and I would never make a distinction like that.

But, Tillyscoutsmum makes the best point... How would you feel if you felt they were being left out?

I guess my 'rule of thumb' is that if the person the card is to seeing Dh and I plus our kids and Dh's kids, then the card will be from all of us... If the card is to someone who doesn't know my DSDs (for instance friends I've made through my (much younger) children, I would probably miss them off.

it's a tightrope, indeed, and I'm not sure there can ever be a single 'right' answer.

harimosmummy · 11/12/2009 13:29

FWIW, I don't really see why it should be 'weird' for the mum...

I had step kids 10 years before I had biological kids and, consequently, I have lots of friends with similar aged children to my DSDs (and am also friends with lots of their parents)

many of these friends only EVER see me with my DSDs. As far as they are concerned, my DSDs are a total part of my family (which of course, they are)

It's akin to saying that if a child goes to boarding school and doesn't live with the mother FT, the mother shouldn't include the child's name (well, it's not, but I hope you see the point... Just because my DSDs don't live here all the time doesn't mean that this isn't their home, in which they are welcome at any time or that they are considered - financially, emotionally, physically - any less than my own DC.

mmrred · 11/12/2009 16:55

So sad that a tiny little gesture of affection like adding names in a christmas card could even possibly be misinterpreted in this way. Doesn't this make it sound like they are the property of the RP, so even their names written down are also hers. Utter madness.

Original poster

MaggieNollaig · 11/12/2009 21:08

It's not misinterpreted. I think my friend will be a good stepmum and i'm happy for her.

I am just honestly acknowledging that if some random acquaintance of my x's gf added my children's names to a christmas card my children wouldn't even read - I'd feel, 'how weird....

OP posts:

elliott · 11/12/2009 21:39

My divorced friends always both include their children on their cards. So I get a card from exwife, new husband, kids A&B and from exH, new wife, kids A&B (and C&D...). I thought it was normal to count children as part of both households following a separation?

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 11/12/2009 21:50

INteresting thread. I'm in a different position in that I don't live with or have a couple-relationship with DS' dad, so I tend to send Xmas cards from me and DS but when it comes to cards for his teachers I'm going to write DS & Family (or rather get DS to write his name and put & family underneath) because DS dad is a parent governor and therefore knows the teachers and they know him - and he is not the type to think of xmas cards for teachers off his own bat and it would be daft and environmentally unfriendly to send 2 cards...

Actually, thinking about it, maybe the best way to go is Merry Xmas From [name of person (or couple) who know the recipient best] And Family.

inveteratenamechanger · 11/12/2009 22:52

I'm not totally sure about your last bit, SGB. I think signing cards from DS and family is sweet and accurate (because you and his dad are his family).

But if I got a card from a friend saying from Friend and family, I think I would feel a bit revolted by the smugness and nuclear-ness of it all. But perhaps that's just my hang-ups!

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 12/12/2009 00:07

Hmm INC I do see what you mean, bit of a minefield. I suppose when it's cards to friends who know the set up that's one thing, when it's cards to neighbours/workmates etc it's stickier.
Maybe we should all just stop wasting paper on cards to people we don't actually care about much anyway?

Original poster

MaggieNollaig · 12/12/2009 10:42

dc & family, that's a good one solid. might use that myself. too late for this christmas but it vague but includes everybody at the same time.

OP posts:

DecorHate · 12/12/2009 10:47

My brother always includes his stepdaughter when he writes cards from his family - even though she no longer lives with him and his wife. But then she doesn't have any contact with her birth father so a little different...

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