Would this make you angry?

[pinkchampagne]

If your ex offered to take the children overnight & spent the whole time with them round his friend's house, where he gets very drunk on whiskey all night (this is far from a one off) to the point he later sends the children to bed in their clothes & returns them to you the next day, still in those (by this stage pretty grubby)same clothes & pants.

Guess there is little I can do about what he chooses to do with them when he has them, but I don't think he is being very responsible & it makes me a bit cross.

nah....if its a one off and they had a good time,wheres the problem? bit like camping

It would disgust me tbh.

There is something repulsive about a man who uses his contact time, in which he is supposed to be functioning as a father, role-modelling and building up a relationship with his children, getting so incapably drunk that he is unable to even get them dressed for bed. It is sheer neglect and it is vile. Your poor children. Is this a one off, or is this his normal behaviour at contact time?

No it is far from a one off. He seems to visit this friend a lot to get drunk when he has the boys.

In the overall scheme of what you describe, I wouldn't care so much about dc being sent to bed (and returned to you) in same clothes/pants, as I would be furious about the fact that he's dragged them somewhere and then proceeded to get himself into such a state that he couldn't care for them if they needed anything.

Why does he have them if he doesn't spend time engaging with them? If he wants to get very drunk - then be all means, go ahead. But he shouldn't do it when he is solely responsible for your dc. It is potentially unsafe, and potentially emotionally damaging if it is a recurring thing.

Nest time he 'offers' to have them, you should refuse unless you feel fairly sure he will be able to look after them.

Are you joking Tiffany? Do you not see anything wrong with being paralytically drunk in charge of children? do you think that's normal? Or safe?

why are so many people in England such drunkards? Why is it so socially acceptable?

Honestly, I'm far from a member of the temperance society, but FGS, the level of alcohol abuse that is accepted as normal in this country is incredible.

This is the man who also left them with his lodger babysitting (who refused DS1 a drink & caused upset) while he went out with my parents during his contact time.

I agree - the bit about the clothes bothers me because he was too drunk & then probably too hungover to do much about it. Them wearing the same clothes wouldn't bother me much at all otherwise, as I can sort that when they get home to me.

And if he wants to get drunk he can do that anytime when I have the boys, but I would hope he spent quality time with his boys when he has them.

Why in heaven's name do you send your children off with this man? Your OP began with the fact that he 'offered to take the children overnight'.

It doesn't appear that you are obliged to send them, so why did you accept the offer when he has proven many times that he is not a responsible parent?

If he is so irresponsible, it becomes your duty to protect your dc. Yes, let them see their dad but do all you can to ensure that it is in a setting where it is as safe and secure as possible.

I didn't know they had spent the night there until they were returned this morning. I have told him I am not happy about them going round there & I have told him I don't ever want them left with his lodger again, which he hasn't done again as far as I am aware.

I don't want to stop the boys seeing their dad as I feel it is important & they do look forward to it. I am going to have to have yet another word with him though as this isn't on.

Would it be more secure for your dc if they spent the day with him but came back to yours to sleep? That way, they'd be safe and your ex could indulge himself.

I'd make every possible effort to avoid your dc spending the night with him.

Yes I'd present it to him as you doing him a favour "I know you probably want to go and have a drink with blah di blah, so shall I collect them in time for you to get ready to go out?"

I just would not let my DC's stay over with someone who behaves like this tbh. It's too dangerous.

The taking to a friends, I wouldn't mind, as long as it wasn't every night and they didn't have school the next morning ...

... the drinking though, no way. How do you know he got drunk? Did he tell you? That should have been your cue to remind him that it is irresponsible to be drunk when caring for his children and there's no need if it's just one night in the week. He can go without a drink for one night. He doesn't need to drink when socialising and unless he stays sober when he is caring for them, he wont have them.

I know he was drinking as he was going into work late this morning as he felt rough & the boys told me he was drinking whiskey. He always drinks lots round there.

I could suggest he does not keep them overnight. I just wish he would spend quality time with the boys rather than look for entertainment elsewhere when he has them.

How old are your children?