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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

DD says she never wants to see her dad again!

20 replies

FeelingOld · 05/10/2009 22:45

My dd is 15, her dad and I split when she was just 4 (he had affair).
Last few months dd been saying she dont want to go to her dads cos she dont get on with stepmum but she has been going begrudgingly on the odd occasion. She went last weekend and has now said she is never going again and does not want to see her dad ever again as he has changed and she has no feelings for him at all. I have had to tell her dad this and he wants to talk to her to try to sort it but she wont even speak to him, he text her too and she told him never to contact her again.
All she will say to me about it is her stepmum gets on to her all the time, treats her like a slave, tells her what to do and what to wear and she said her dad lets her do it.
I have been in tears about this and so has her dad but she is not upset at all, she is so matter of fact and adament she never wants to see him again.
What can you do, I cant force her to see him. Just hoping that in time she will change her mind.

OP posts:

missingtheaction · 05/10/2009 23:06

my dd and xdp went through something very like this. You have my every sympathy, it's horrible.

They now have a good relationship again.

It took about 6 months. Initially I tried to get them together, arranged meetings etc but that got nowhere except me getting lots of piggy-in-the-middle flak so I just let them get on with it. I kept saying to them both that it was their problem but that they needed each other and they should try to sort it out. Gradually they did.

The difficult bit was dealing with him - he couldn't get to her so he got to me! I had to learn to bounce it back at him.

Good luck!

Original poster

FeelingOld · 05/10/2009 23:15

Thanks for your reply and glad its all worked out for your dd in the end.

We both knew the time would come when she wanted to go less, think thats normal with kids her age but never thought it would come to this. Have relayed messages to her from her dad, eg he and his wife are willing to do whatever it takes to sort this, she will change and try to leave the parenting to my ex, her dad is willing to meet with her without stepmum if my dd feels she cant spend time with her. My dd is not interested in any of it, she just says she dont want to talk about it,

How the hell will this ever get sorted if she is refusing to even text her dad. Her dad is not a bad person, he loves her but he has only ever been a weekend dad and not really got involved with her schooling, hobbies etc.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 05/10/2009 23:19

Can you ask her to compromise on a few hours at a time with her Dad alone perhaps to go out to eat together with assurances that they don't have discuss the situation????

I'm just thinking asking her to do something small when she isn't going to be interogated over it, talk about it etc?

Original poster

FeelingOld · 05/10/2009 23:23

CarGirl - have tried that. Have suggested me going along too if she dont want to see him alone. Have suggesed they write letters, have suggested texts if she dont want to speak to him and lots more but she is adament that she never wants to see him again.

It just seems so drastic. She is happy in school and everything else that is going on in her life so I am just having so much trouble getting my head round it all.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 05/10/2009 23:29

Perhaps have a truce over it, that it isn't mentioned at all for a month. Then perhaps he could drop by for and invite her to Christmas shopping for something?

The more you go on perhaps the more she is just being stubborn?

Niceguy2 · 06/10/2009 10:59

I can see this being my situation in a few years time. My DD is 13 and is getting to the point where she doesn't want to go to her mum's. Same reason as your daughter. She gets treated like a slave etc. I'm still encouraging contact but I too can see the day where she will point blank refuse to go.

Thing is, at 15 you really can't make her. I remember when I was that age, for personal reasons I wanted nothing to do with my dad at all. I didn't see him or speak with him for years but over time the anger subsided and although I wouldn't say we're close, we do speak now.

My suggestion is to let DD take a bit of a break for now and let the flames die down a bit.

Original poster

FeelingOld · 06/10/2009 12:32

CarGirl and Niceguy thank you so much for your replies. I think you are both right and that we sould try not to mention if for a few weeks and see what happens. I feel so bad and guilty about this, I have always encouraged dd to have a relationship with her dad and like i said he is not a bad man, just maybe not known how to be a dad and has just handed things over to dd stepmum (who does not have children incidently). He has always paid me maintenance without fail and always turned up on time to fetch dd and has never let her down in that way.

I just hope as she matures she will see how hurt her dad is by all of this.

OP posts:

Ivykaty44 · 06/10/2009 12:34

Are you on good terms with your ex?

I would talk to him and say leave her be for a while complelty and she will come round - I am sure she will miss him in her life.

She is really playing a blinder by the way - have seen this myself.

I am sure over christams she may want to see him

pleasechange · 06/10/2009 12:46

I think there might possibly be an element of manipulation going on there (sorry if this out of turn but it's not entirely unknown for teenage girls). Do you think it could be attention-seeking, or is it possible that by taking such an extreme stance on this, she thinks that her dad may eventually cave in and leave his wife?

Original poster

FeelingOld · 06/10/2009 13:19

Am on ok terms with her dad, dont see him or speak to him as much as she has got older as he contacts her directly mostly about going to his house but I can talk to him and I have told him to not contact her to just contact me for now cos I dont want him to make things any worse if thats possible.
My dd has never really liked her stepmum but loves her family, they take her out different places and she goes to parties and bbqs there even when her dad and stepmum not there, she also goes to her step-grannies to sleep in the school hols sometimes and goes shopping etc with her step aunt and is due to be bridesmaid to her step aunt next year (which she was so excited about when she was asked a few weeks ago) and when i mentioned this to her she just said she obviously cant be bridesmaid now cos her dad will be at the wedding but she hopes she will still see her step aunt and the rest of the family, I said she may not now and she just said thats a shame as she will miss them.

She is normally a very sensible, caring, levelled headed girl, she works hard at school, gets good grades, she helps my mum and dad who are both disabled and is in all other ways a lovely person. This behaviour is so out of charactor for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

FeelingOld · 06/10/2009 13:20

Oh and when i mentioned chrismas and seeing her dad to get her presents she just said she wont see him and she dont care about presents, she doesnt want anything from him.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 06/10/2009 13:31

Perhaps she's just asserting herself/being rebellious in the easiest way possible. Perhaps she wants to punish her stepmum?

Teenagers are pretty awful in one way or the other, it seems to be an inherint part of growing up

My dd1 is really really lovely, works hard, helpful etc etc but does she have a couple of things that she says/does to attention seek.

LucyTownsend · 06/10/2009 13:32

I remember doing this whe I was a similar age, I just decided i had had enough of being "passed around" and having to go somewhere else where I didnt know anyone, it didn't feel like home and was told what to do by someone that wasn't my parent.

However my family just accepted it and didnt make it into an issue and I gradually re-initiated contact by myself.

My advice is don't push the issue, she is old enough to know her own mind and understand that if she pushes him away then she accepts the consequences such as no presents etc.

She may be feeling that this is an area of her life where she can control what happens and in the end, it is up to her. Hopefully as in my case it will just be a phase that she is going through.

HTH

Original poster

FeelingOld · 06/10/2009 13:46

Like i said, we expected the time to come when she didnt want to go very often but this is another thing.

You are all in the opinion that leaving things for a while to settle might be the answer so I think thats what I will do, I will speak to my ex and tell him that I think he should do the same and lets see how things go.

Why dont kids come with a manual?

OP posts:

Kitsilano · 06/10/2009 18:47

At that age I would imagine that the more you both push it the more she might dig her heels in out of pride.

If I were you I would keep quiet about it and just encourage your ex to maintain contact through chatty, normal texts/emails, making it clear that he is there for her always and that she will be welcomed back when she feels ready.

Then she cannot convince herself that he doesnt care/isnt there for her but she doesn't have the opportunity to make this a big drama that she can control.

3littlefrogs · 06/10/2009 18:52

Did something happen last weekend? A row about something specific perhaps? Is there something she isn't telling you?

Original poster

FeelingOld · 06/10/2009 20:52

DD and her dad both say nothing significant happened last weekend, think she is just so fed up with her stepmum doing the parenting (and doing it badly) instead of her dad. She says her dad has changed and she dont like him anymore.

Kitsilano - i think its a good idea that her dad lets her know he is always there, i have told her this but i suppose its would be a good idea to let her know every now and then.

Everyone has been really helpful, thanks.

OP posts:

Kitsilano · 06/10/2009 21:54

I think he should contact her very regularly in a non-pressuring way for as long as it takes and no matter what. He is the grown up and should be the reliable constant even if she is being silly and histrionic. Plus if he backs off she will take this as evidence that he doesnt care which is probably part of what this is about. Good luck. I admire the efforts you are making to help them have a good relationship - in your position it might be easy not to. Your daughter will be grateful when she is older - this is just part of her growing up in a difficult situation.

Kitsilano · 06/10/2009 21:58

PS just re-read your last post - HE needs to tell her this in very clear terms. She needs to hear "no matter how badly you behave or how much you try to push me away I am your father and I will always love you".

However much she pretends not to give a Sh@t it's probably rubbish and she needs to be reassured that she still fits in.

pleasechange · 07/10/2009 07:47

the more I read (especially the step-mum bit) the more I think your daughter is taking this stance to try and force a decision on her dad (i.e. a her or me type decision)

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