Relationships are shit.! Discuss.

[poshsinglemum]

Ok, I know I am a bitter jaded old bat (sometimes) but can anyone please convince me that relatipnships contribute to one's general well- being.
All my relationships have made me miserable. The sex is good, I enjoy friendhips with men and I am not generally a man hater but I just find relationships soooo messy!

I had a terrible marriage, divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me

Now I'm in a new relationship. BUT, we don't live together, which is brilliant!! Been like this for over 5 years now. And works. No man under my feet,being controlling etc. Love keeping my independence too, all decisions are mine!

I am in a fab relationship now. Wasnt a decade ago when I was still with exh. Now I realise what a true relationship should be like and it has never been shit. Perhaps it is becuase I have more repsect for myself and dont take any crap.

Yes it is not just you. My relationships make me miserable too

if your very clear about what you want out of a relationship and stick with your ideals then a relationship doesn't have to be shit.

as k999 says...have respect and dont take any crap and you will get what makes you happy.

tiffany idea of living in seperate houses appeals to me too. i know a few people who do this. one particular couple have been together but with seperate houses for 15 yrs and works great for them

i just don't think there is any room in my head or my home for a relationship.

having been on my own now for 4 yrs, I cannot even imagine someone being able to 'fit' into my home. Thats after 10 yrs of marriage too, wierd how life changes.

Some relationships are good, some are bad.

he mistakes people make that casue relationships to be shit are:

Having expectations about the relationship or trying to make it into something it is not

or

Thinking relationships don't require any effort or work in order to work. The mistake is thinking it should be easy. It shouldn't be easy but it should be worth the effort and hard work.

Generally, people try to make relatinships worth with people they are incompatible with, or they are too scared of being single to end or leave bad relationhsips.

Relationships are only ever worth it if they actually add to your life, rather than make your life more difficult.

Heteromonogamy isn't for me, either. It;s not compulsory (and the myth that it is is what leads lots of peole to remain in miserable situations rather than be single).
SOme people live happily in couple-relationships and good luck to them, some people live happily without such things and good luck to them too. It's sad to see people wasting their lives either remaining in a couple-relationship with someone who makes them miserable or bores them, or ignoring all the potential their lives have to offer in favour of frenzied pursuit of A Soul Mate.

Basically, human beings need humanrelationships, ie other people to talk to, spend time with, care about, draw support from when necessary: true hermits are very rare and people who are isolated from others against their wishes generally go a bit nuts and suffer. However, the big mistake a lot of peole make is to think that it is only couplehood that matters, when a person can be perfectly happy with friends, relatives and possibly the occaisional fuckbuddy or casual friendly pick up for sex.

I agree Solid

Solid can I ask you a question?

Fire away DerAbgraund (trying frantically to remember enough German to translate your name, something about 'within you too' - is this an idiom for 'Up yours?')

Nah, nothing quite so rude I'm afraid. It's part of a Friedrich Nietzsche quote about the abyss looking back into you as you gaze into it. [geek]

Not sure if you can help, just looking for some recommendations for info. Notice you can be a mine of information. Am researching D/s for something I'm writing (fiction) or at least I'm trying to. Do you know of any websites that aren't going to kill my computer or start downloading questionable images for dd to stumble across innocently. Looking for general info but anything about collaring or roping is a bonus.

Google, in this case, has not been my friend.

This lot should be able to help. I have my differences with the owner of the site but as a resource for information that will not fill your computer with bizarre pop-ups or alarming imagery, it's first rate. You might want to register (which is free) if you want to ask specific questions, though be aware that the posters on there tend to treat enquiring newbies the same way as MNers treat enquiring newbies/journos/novelists. Or, actually, if you like, just CAT me and ask me the specific questions and if I don't know the answers I will be able to phone a friend or maybe even put you in touch with an obliging pal via email (it will be someone who is not only knowledgable but who I know personally ie they will not stalk you or send you pictures of their genitalia or anything).

i have to agree with most of u, i have had really messy relationships, men have treat me bad and messed me about, im a single mum and didn't think i would ever be happy again as i was with my ex for 2 and half years and had my son with him, but now i can honestly say i know what love is :O ive never been happier, with my new fella its so easy and fun not hard work like others have been, so yeh id say relationships can be good

Thanks Solid, that's really useful for a start. I may CAT you tomorrow if I can't find what I need.

I'm not utterly opposed to pictures of genitalia. Makes a change from Cialis spam and forwarded rubbish entitled 'Quick read this and tell all the women you know, mad rapists are hiding in your cupboard disguised as shoes, the world needs to know'.

I appreciate you taking the time.

I have been married twice and lived with two others, I have a very colourful relationship history. I can safely say that relationships are unnecessary and in my case actually not good for my mental health.

I am happiest when single but it took a long time to find that out. I will never marry or live with a man again. I truly believe that some, not all, people are happiest alone and it is societal pressures that keep forcing us to search for a long term relationship or "love of my life" or tell us to keep "working" at horrible relationships.

Thank the lord for this thread and in particular your post sunfleurs. I've been married once, had two long live-in relationships and was recently unceremoniously dumped by my so-called fiance. Also loads of short-lived crap here and there. I have finally decided, at the age of 51, to REMAIN ALONE.

I've emerged from my most recent fuck-up, feeling happier and more content than ever before in my life and am actually beginning to really believe that I could be happier on my own. I agree that it's mostly about society's pressures and that our fear of being without a partner is an illusion, shaped by millions of years of evolution and our drive for biological survival. In this day and age we don't have to remain slaves to biological determinism and thank god women no longer need to partner up in order to survive.

I'll get off my soap-box now. I do have one minor issue though; I do love sex and intimacy and can't imagine that I'll go without that for the rest of my days. But how does that work outside the context of a "proper" relationship? I don't do one-night stands anymore and don't particulary like the idea of just being with a man for sex. Any ideas, experiences?

I have been in many messy relationships & came out of a bad marriage 3 years ago which was very bad for my health! However I have been in a totally different relationship for the last two years with a lovely man who makes me very happy. We don't live together yet either & don't want to rush all that as we both have our own places & look forward to seeing each other. He lives a half hour drive away from me & works nights so we normally see each other for a few hours on a Wednesday (my half day) & at weekends, which gives us both a few days to ourself either side. I still get as excited about seeing him after 2 years as I did at the beginning, which I think is helped by the fact we didn't rush into more commitment too quickly.

I lived with my partner for 11 1/2 years. I missed him like hell at first, but now I don't, no one to nick the duvet, hog the remote, stink the bathroom out, I could go on.......
I sometimes miss having someone there for me to turn to, but I won't be living with a man again. I just wondered how exactly I'm meant to move on and meet people when I have no family or friends to look after kids while I go out, HE won't and I can't find babysitter for my 5 kids, am I just supposed to stay single for ever?

Thanks for your replies all.

The thread title is meeant to be a bit tongue in cheek but also, sadly a reflection of my experience.

I do feel the pressure from society and from myslef. It dosn't help that most of my mates are in relationships and I really feel that I am mising out. Sometimes I say that I'm not interested in relationships in order to protect myself from the truth- that I would love to have one but only with a man who treats me with respect.

I agree with you, so many people are whingeing not unreasonably about really awful behaviour, but they wouldn't dream of leaving because, oh, it's not that bad, I love him and he loves me!

Even the good relationships require so much work and compromise that it's not easy.

I really question why society as a whole drives us ALL towards believing that coupledom is the idea. I don't think it is. A lot of people are happier single.

A lot of people are unhappy in relationships!

reading back the thread, totally agreeing with solid about people needing human relationships and that that doesn't have to be coupledom, and also nodding along at sunfleurs when she says that she now realises she's been happiest when single. I've realised that too.

saying 'are relationships good for you?" is like saying 'is the weather good for you?' It all depends on what it's like and how you react to it.

I've spent most of my life in terrible relationships (from Dad onwards...) but several things have combined in this relationship to make me happier than I have ever been.

1. He is genuinely a good and gentle man
2. We both share similar values about relationships and talk alot to resolve any problems.
3. Amazingly, and against all prior expectations, he really does love me.
4. Amazingly, and against all prior experience, I am allowing this and loving him back.

I can honestly say that (despite the baggage we have both had to work through) he is redefining my concept of men and becoming my actual hero. I am far more healed now than when I met him. And vice versa I think.

Relationships can make you feel good, but only once you have taken full responsibility for your own happiness. As long as you don't expect him/her to make you happy, relationships can feel wonderful!

I too love being single and find it hard to imagine living with a man again. My quality of life has improved 100% since XP moved out (and he wasn't abusive, just a bit crap).

There is a lot to be said for being happy in your own skin, although that's not always easy to get to.

Joan Bakewell was on Desert Island Discs last week, talking about how much she enjoys living alone. It was obvious that she has wonderful relationships with friends, grandchildren, etc. and a really full and interesting life - and all at 70+. Very inspiring.