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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I need help

24 replies

LittleMarshmallow · 08/08/2009 20:48

I really need some advice about what to do about DS and xh and contact.

Currently it is going through the courts but according to my solicitor I have to decide how to trust xh with ds again. Also I have to decide how to make the contact happen and everything else to go with it.

I honestly don't know what to do, I revoked contact around 4 months ago and we have been to court once where the sherrif made no motion for xh contact.

I have given xh so many chances and each time he either lets ds down by not turning up or by making him sick, the stress of all of this is starting to get me down and I dont know what to do for the best?
Any ideas?

OP posts:

Meglet · 08/08/2009 20:54

Do the courts know your xh has messed up in the past and let ds down? Has your xh gone to the courts to gain access again?

(background, no court experience, but I've stopped ex p seeing the dc's as he was getting too abusive. I'm trying to force him into mediation / solicitors to get him to get his act together).

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 08/08/2009 20:56

yup I had to provide medical reports etc for the court which was fine, I have allowed xh to see ds for 3 hrs a week, but he is the one messing around.

The part I do not understand is how according to my solicitor he has every right known to man, yet I am powerless to stop him hurting ds by making him ill.

My solicitor wants me to put forward so sort of arrangement where he basically gets his old contact arrangement back without him proving to me that he can be trusted and I really dont know what to do..

OP posts:

Meglet · 08/08/2009 21:03

What about womens aid? They might have some experience of dealing with this and be able to support you. I don't like the sound of the courts and even your solictor putting pressure onto you for xh to see ds when you know there have been problems and see no signs of him behaving like an adult.

If it is agreed that your xh does see ds, and he screws up by not turning up, do you know if you can then say enoughs enough and stop contact?

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 08/08/2009 21:08

I cant stop contact or rather my solicitor has told me not to.

xh isnt hurting ds by being volient it has to do with a medical diet ds is on and xh wont follow it making ds very ill and there have been times where he couldnt go to nursery after contact and I had to take the afternoon off work.

xh is trying to say i have made all of this up but i do have medical reports to back me, what really worries me is that that solicitor refuses to allow the current contact at 3 hrs and is pushing for it to be increased.

I have begged health visitors and doctors to help with ds being made ill but no one wants to listen or help and going through the courts was apprently my only option.

but the stress of all of this is making me ill, and there is only so much of the intimidation from xh and family i can take, I really dont know what to do for the best anymore.

OP posts:

Meglet · 08/08/2009 21:13

holy fuck . I'm not suprised you're stressed out. Does your xh just not beleive the diet is necessary? Or is he just daft and forgets to give your ds the correct food?

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 08/08/2009 21:19

he thinks i made it up, which is so far from the truth but one weekend he fed him so much crap he cant eat that the child was ill for a week (wheat allergy) and lactose intolerance.
ds was throwing up and it was just awful.

the sadder part is that xh has been at every hospital appointment and never told anyone else he doesnt believe me or them, i just hate being made out to be an anxious over protective parent when really im not as long as ds eats his food and not stuff that makes him sick

OP posts:

Meglet · 08/08/2009 21:32

I wonder if you need to go back to the hv's and / or doctors (although I daresay you are at the end of your tether with them ). I can imagine they are probably reluctant to get involved in going to court about this, but I can't think of any other professionals who could back you up and stress the importance of your ds sticking to his diet. Not sure if you've ever used womens aid but I saw someone from there once and she was really helpful. They are very much for protecting women and children, no harm in calling them to see if they know of any other agencies that can back you up, after all your ds's wellbeing is at risk.

How crap for you and your ds. I wish I could think of something that would guarantee to help and give your xh a kick up the backside.

Meglet · 09/08/2009 08:05

Just discovered a voluntary organisation called Rights of Women, 0207 251 6577. www.rightsofwomen.org.uk. They provide women with free info about legal rights and might be helpful.

thesouthsbelle · 09/08/2009 08:19

if it were me as well i'd be thinking bout changing my sols. if i'm reading you right your sols isn't acting in the best interests of you/your son, she's pushing you to do something you don't want to, so i'd be looking elsewhere for someone who's willing to help protect my child and not make me feel pressured into doing something I know is not health for my child.

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 09/08/2009 09:59

I am thinking about changing solicitors but I have just changed to this one because of the court action.

The doctor has written letters for me in court and backs me up, the hv is useless. However, all I have been told is that at some point soon I need to increase the contact regardless if I am happy about this or not.

OP posts:

thesouthsbelle · 09/08/2009 10:20

but if you have valid reasons I don't see how a judge can force you, esp if XH is repetadly ignoring the diet requirements - it's not like you're stopping contact just because you fancy it.

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 09/08/2009 10:36

I know, logic tells me the same, but my solicitor told me that I am pretty much fighting a losing battle and at some point have to trust him to behave. But he doesnt have to do anything to show me that he can be trusted.

xh has told everyone that I have made the food allergies up and that I am being overly sensitive and that there is nothing wrong with ds making even me question myself again.

OP posts:

thesouthsbelle · 09/08/2009 10:38

he sounds rather manipulative to me,althou that in it's self isn't enough to stop contact either.

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 09/08/2009 18:04

Does anyone have any ideas of what contact etc and how to increase contact I could suggest as I have to show some sort of plan by the end of the month and I don't know what to do.

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oldraver · 09/08/2009 20:53

It doesnt sound like your solicitor is doing you any favours and I would look into finding another one asap.It sounds as if your solicitor cant be bothered with fighting this for you and just wants you to give in. If your doctor is backing you and confirming your son has allergies then your ex will just be shown in court to be the liar he is. Is it you GP backing you or a consultant ??

I would suggest to your solicitor you are willing to let your ex have supervised contact as you cant rust him to see to your sons medical needs

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 09/08/2009 21:15

I was told that I cant force supervised contact as the waiting list is too long, xh currently has ds for 3 hrs unsupervised.

OP posts:

oldraver · 09/08/2009 21:51

WHAT!!! The wating list is too long FFS, this should be about what is best for you DC not the officials. Was it your solicitor or the court that told you this ??

I CAN understand if they had said that as he already has unsupervised it would be a backward step but its still about what your DC needs

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 09/08/2009 22:23

It was the solicitor that told me that, I was told that I had to offer some form of contact before it went to court to show I was being reasonable, and I am now trying to work out what to do for the best.

The one good thing that has come from the 3 hours is how unreliable xh is, and shows how many times ds was being left with xh family instead of xh looking after him.

OP posts:

oldraver · 09/08/2009 23:04

I do understand the 'being reasonable' bit, I think the courts want to see that rather than someone blankly refusing to fascilitate contact but surely you have good grounds for putting some safeguards for you DC in place.

Is the 3 hours what you have offered or court ordered ? I dont qiute understan why your solicitor is pushing you to 'offer contact' when there is some in place already and this isnt working. It seems you really need to go back to square one with this

It sound sas if you are frankly being bullied by both EX and solicitor

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 10/08/2009 09:00

I was told before the case went to the sheriff that I had to offer contact, when I said I wanted supervised contact my solicitor told me that I didn't really stand a chance of getting that and that the court must order it. Exh does bully people and threaten me, so does other members of his family, my solicitor is aware of this.

This is why I offered the 3 hours as at least it was safer than have a sheriff decide what was best in the event it was more time than that.

Exh was explained the rules around the 3 hours mainly so that ds wouldn't need to eat when he was with him so we could try and stop him being ill. All my solicitor has said is that I will need to up the contact hours as she believes that is what the sheriff will do anyway.

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thesouthsbelle · 10/08/2009 15:38

sherrif - are you not in the UK? not sure how it would work if you're abroad.

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 10/08/2009 15:55

I am in the uk.

OP posts:

Lemonylemon · 11/08/2009 12:51

I would change your solicitor pronto. I'd also do what you've already been advised on this thread to do - get in touch with Womens Aid.

Also get your new solicitor to ask your GP/hospital etc. for notes regarding your DS's intolerances.

Also, put your foot down and specify supervised access at a centre. I think that your present solicitor is a waste of space and not fighting for your DS to be honest......

Original poster

LittleMarshmallow · 11/08/2009 13:06

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

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