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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Info On S. S. Please.

21 replies

durhamhouse · 01/08/2009 11:34

Hi, Has any one had any experince with how social services work?

My exp has just managed to go from supervised visits to unsupervised vists with my 3 year old ds.

My ds came back from the first visit and told a family member that exp took ds to the toilet and wee'd in front of him and that he saw his 'snake'

My family member was so concerned about this that they called the S.S. and logged a omplaint. They asked if there were any over night visits of which the answer was no.

They gave nothing away and didnt say what they were going to do just that it was logged.

I am really concerned about this as exp has another visit with ds on Monday.

Does any one know if S.S. will do anything or will they just leave it as logged?

Thanks.

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GypsyMoth · 01/08/2009 11:43

oh my!!!

his dad took him to the loo with him. no reason for further concern is there?

my sons go to the loo with their dad also,well did when they were young. its not a hanging offence

why do you feel its sinister? is there previous?

doubt ss would do anything,they have to deal with kids in real danger.

ChocHobNob · 01/08/2009 11:46

I can't imagine SS would take it any further without other concerns. My 4 year old follows his Dad to the toilet still. If he has felt he can't leave him on his own when he was younger for any reason he would have taken him into the bathroom with him. It sounds to me, unless there are other things we do not know about your ex, that your family member overreacted.

Original poster

durhamhouse · 01/08/2009 11:49

Sorry, didnt explain it properly. It isnt my ds that needs the toilet it's only when exp goes. I find it very concerning as exp has his mother their so why does ds need to go in with him?

exp also used to sleep in bed with ds with no clothes on.

My ds also walked up to me and put his hand on my private parts and said 'mummy snake'

OP posts:

Original poster

durhamhouse · 01/08/2009 11:50

My exp has been told on several occassions and by a cafcass that this needs to stop as it is not appropriate.

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 01/08/2009 11:53

Have you asked his father why he took his son with him to the toilet? Maybe his Mum wasn't there at that moment or couldn't watch your son so he took him to be safe.

My husband has slept in bed with our children with out clothes on, I have too. Obviously I wouldn't as they got older and more curious and conscious of their own body, but is it really such a terrible offence at that age?

Personally from what you have described it doesn't sound to me like your ex is being inappropriate with your son but I would ask him first rather than rushing off contacting the SS.

I thought it was quite normal for 3 year old boys to be obsessed with willies and other people's willies. My son is always asking me where my willy is. There is no abuse/inappropriate behaviour in our household, it's just what children do ... I thought

ChocHobNob · 01/08/2009 11:55

Well that is different then. Can you approach your ex and ask him why he hasn't stopped?

Is it possible your son isn't being totally truthful? Maybe he is remembering something that happened a long time ago and didn't necessarily happen on the last visit. My son makes up all sorts and relays things which have happened a long time ago as recent events, especially if prompted.

EachPeachPearMum · 01/08/2009 11:57

3yo usually follow their parents to the loo. They are also quite interested in bodies and the differences between people's bodies.

Being naked isn't wrong.

What were the reasons for the supervision? and are they no longer relevant? Does your son/you have a SW? perhaps raise your concerns with them and they can allay them or take it further?

LIZS · 01/08/2009 11:57

If it is part of the conditions that he does not do this I think SS could take action ot stop access. In most circumstances it would be perfectly innocent and curiosity on a 3yr old's part but something in what you say suggests that may not be the case here. Can you call them first thing on Monday to check if the visist shodul go ahead ?

EachPeachPearMum · 01/08/2009 11:58

argh x-posts.

Original poster

durhamhouse · 01/08/2009 12:00

You could be right choc. I just dont know. I dont think ds has made it up as he just isnt like that at all. I cant ask exp as he has been and is still trying to be a bully to me. There was a bit of dv involved in our split.
His mother, brother and brothers girlfriend were all present as it was his first unsupervised day and they turned it in to a party day.
It was logged with cafcass abotu three weeks ago and they have said that ds is old enough to not be going to toilet with daddy. They also said that if it is not right for a dd to be going in then it is not right for a ds.

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 01/08/2009 12:01

My boys regularly followed me and DH to the loo and "observed". Didn't realise that this was considered anything but normal.

Sorry I have no idea about SS.

Meglet · 01/08/2009 12:02

Isn't it the way little boys learn how to use the toilet, buy watching what their daddys do? When ds is learning to do it I will ask ex p to not shut him out of the bathroom as he can only learn by seeing his daddy do it. I wouldn't worry about him seeing his dad naked either. I'm not sure if its a problem for pre-schoolers.

Why do Cafcass see it as a problem?

However, if you think there is something more sinister going on then obviously go with your instincts, but for most father / son relationships I don't think there is a cause for concern.

Original poster

durhamhouse · 01/08/2009 12:04

It was condition that exp should not be taking ds in with him unless it was a public place where there would be a greater risk.

No, i do not have a S.W.

The thing is i know what my ds is like and he hates going in to the toilet with any one. He doesnt go in with my older ds and not with me so why would he suddenly change a habbit on this one day?

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 01/08/2009 12:07

Can you not ask one of the other adults present on that day what happened?

GypsyMoth · 01/08/2009 12:13

why were cafcass involved in the first place? i think unsupervised access is ALWAYS going to involve someone going to the toilet,so if theres any risk at all regarding exp then it needs addressing NOW. i don't think you've supplied enough info here as most of us seem confused!!

Original poster

durhamhouse · 01/08/2009 12:17

I think maybe this was an over reaction from my family. Can i ask, would you feel it would be different for a dd to be in the same situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

durhamhouse · 01/08/2009 12:20

I am sorry if it is all a little confusing i just dont want to give too much away in case exp is on this site looking at what i am putting. He mentioned this site to my sister when she did the drop off at the initial visit. He said it's a great site and he can go on as a women and all us sad b**hces give him advice on how to screw me over.

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GypsyMoth · 01/08/2009 12:37

oh really??

had wondered if men do this! coward!

Original poster

durhamhouse · 01/08/2009 12:46

He is a coward and it doesnt help me at all as i need advice and cant be honest enough on here as he has now made me so scared that he's watching me and what i write. It's pathetic.
I guess it is another way that he has learnt to control me. Another way that he has made me fear him.
He is a liar and a manipulator and he uses this site to get the out look of a women so that he can try and deffend his actions.

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 01/08/2009 17:37

I don't think it is unusual for a young girl to accompany a parent to the toilet either, obviously if a parent is insisting on it and it is upsetting the child that is different, but if it's to keep an eye on a child while you're in the toilet or a child follows the parent then I don't see the problem with it. Children are curious.

I think insinuating a man could be abusing their child because they have seen them naked with no other concerns could be potentially harmful. Some men feel very wary around their own children for fear of being labelled a paedophile.

I'm not saying your ex is definitely innocent here. But I would want to be getting to the bottom of it with the help of people who know him, people who are with him when he has your son, because they may be a better judge of character than a CAFCASS officer or SS.

I also don't think you can solely go on the word of a 3 year old. No matter how much you think you know your child, 3 year olds are developing imaginations, they make stuff up, they exaggerate and they are easily led by other people's input, (not saying you have) but someone may have put the idea in his head that Daddy is doing something inappropriate and he shouldn't like it, so he is repeating it.

If people are present during his contact with your son, surely they would see your ex insisting on him coming to the toilet with him. Can you not ask them privately?

oldraver · 01/08/2009 19:18

I am intrigued as to why Cafcass have seen fit to make it a condition he doesnt take him to the toilet ?? To me its a perfectly natural thing to do (unless the child doesnt want to) and hopefully instills that bodies are nothing to be ashamed of

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