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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

H moved out 2 months ago. What should I do re money etc?

18 replies

mpuddleduck · 02/07/2009 00:55

H moved out nearly 2 months ago. (I have a thread on relationships as to why etc).
He came to visit the children for 5 days this weekend, ate our food, etc and laughed when I joked about paying for B&B.
We haven't discussed money issues at all, but I don't want him to come back, he has got himself a new job, car and bank account etc, should I be asking him for maintenance if we are only seperated at the moment?

OP posts:

Superduperloopthelooper · 02/07/2009 10:31

Yes, he should be contributing to the dc's maintenance.

Is he paying anything at all at the moment? Is he likely to be coming back (sorry, haven't read your other thread)?

When my exh moved out one of the first moved out one of the first things he did was set up a new bank account - this would worry me slightly. Do you trust him to support you if necessary? If there is an element of doubt I would be tempted to take your free half an hour appointment with a family law solicitor and ask for some advice.

It's all very well for him to be on good terms with you if he is not being asked to commit to anything formal financially - I found that this changed pretty rapidly when I attempted to formalise some financial arrangements with my exh. I would be tempted to err on the side of caution and just find out where you stand.

Meglet · 02/07/2009 10:39

He should be paying maintenance. The CSA website has a calculator to show the correct amount. You can do this informally between you (which I do), as an agreement set out by a solictor, or through the csa. My ex p is a twunt but even he paid maintenance as soon as he moved out. He also shows me his payslips to prove what he has earned (bit of a battle getting him to do that but my solictor said I am entitled to see them to check), his pay fluctuates a little bit and he pays 20% of his earnings for the 2 dc's. The house is mine and in my name so he just pays for the children.

Original poster

mpuddleduck · 02/07/2009 23:52

Thank you, I'm really struggling with the question "is he likely to be coming back?", I was the one who asked him to go (years of bringing up dc without much input from him and a dv incident in february), but I really don't want to split up my family, yet don't feel I can live with him either.

It makes it harder that he says he still loves me and wants to be together, but he has moved a long distance from our home to get support from his family. (hence not seeing the dc for nearly 2 months).

I will look at the website and try and get an idea of what I should be doing.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 02/07/2009 23:55

Mpuddleduck, get some legal advice, preferably from Women's Aid. Do NOT take this knobber back into your house, he is violent, will be violent again - and he's a twat.

Original poster

mpuddleduck · 03/07/2009 00:12

Hmm. that might be an idea, Iam going to the town next week (we live in a very rural area) so I might find out if WA have someone I could go and see whilst Iam there. Thank you SGB.

OP posts:

Tinkerbel6 · 03/07/2009 12:41

mpuddleduch you need to claim Income Support and Child Tax Credit and get help with your council tax, you need to do this asap as it can take 3-4 weeks to get any money. If you have a mortgage you will need to speak to your partner about having the payments kept up to date, good luck.

Original poster

mpuddleduck · 04/07/2009 02:54

Tinkerbel6, I work part time, so not sure I would be eligable for Income support. I will look into the child tax credit and council tax.
Does anyone know what my rights are in respect of access to the children? he has moved to the other end of the country (literally), he seems quite happy at the moment not to see them, but Iam slightly worried he might want me to move so they are nearer, where would I stand on this?

OP posts:

Kazzi79 · 04/07/2009 03:34

You definately need legal advice on this one, also as a previous poster mentioned womens aid, from my own experience they are fantastic.

Please do not take this man back into your life, he will drag you down so much, you will be so much happier without him once he doesnt have this hold over you any more.

You would need to contact the CSA with regards to maintenance payments as a solicitor can work out the amount but can't legally enforce it.

He can't force you to move anywhere you don't want to move to, you might want to think about taking out an injunction to prevent harrassment. In respect of child contact he will have the right to see his children, the best way to do this would be for a court to make a contact order (mediation isnt normally used in cases where domestic violence has been an issue). Can I also ask if a residence order is in place? As if he has parental responsibility for the children legally he can take them to live with him and theres nothing you can do about it if no RO is in place.

Moneywise you may be entitled to some income support if you work less than 16 hrs per week, if you work over 16 hrs then you need to claim working tax credit, you will be entitled to child tax credit regardless of whether you're working or not.

Hope this info helps xxx

Original poster

mpuddleduck · 04/07/2009 10:36

So much to think about. H is being very laid back at the moment, but it is scary thinking he could just come and take the children.

OP posts:

Kazzi79 · 04/07/2009 10:44

www.womensaid.org.uk/ if you go onto that website you should be able to find a phone number for your nearest branch of womens aid, they will arrange a suitable place to come and speak to you and give you advice, they should also be able to recommend a good family solicitor.

The fact that H is being very laid back worries me, sounds like its part of unpredictable behaviour to lead you into a false sense of security, the sooner legal measures are put in place the better imo.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/07/2009 10:46

He can't 'just come and take the children', pudddleduck - WOmen's Aid etc will be able to reassure you on this.
Remember that right now you have more rights than he does, you are in control and if he bothers you or scares you or hits you again he can be TAKEN AWAY AND LOCKED UP.
I know it's scary being involved with a bullying arsehole, so it's important to keep in mind that no matter what bullying arseholes say, other people will not condone their behaviour, they are not entitled to beat and bully you and insist that you 'love' them. Everyone else thinks this man is a complete bellend. That's because he is.

Kazzi79 · 04/07/2009 11:01

He CAN just come and take your children I'm afraid, if he has parental responsibilty he can legally take them if no residence order is in place......it was womens aid that pointed this out to me and they made me an appointment with a good solicitor to get this sorted. It was my experiences of domestic violence and mental abuse over 11 years that prompted me to start a law degree as I want to work in family law and help people in similar situations.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/07/2009 17:58

Shit, I didn't know that Kazzi. OK Puddleduck, contact WA and get the legal side sorted. YOu do need legal protection against this knobber.

Kazzi79 · 04/07/2009 18:33

Womens aid are fantastic, my local childrens centre put me in touch with them, they have been very very supportive I couldnt have asked for better non judgemental help. My worker sat with me whilst I gave police statements, she made the solicitors appointment and came to the appointment with me, she then got me a place on a confidence building course which was not only very influential in me moving my life forwards in such a positive way but I also made friends with other people in similar situations.

Even now my worker will give me a call every so often just to check how I am. Contact womens aid.......it was my saviour and many others have said the same, I've never looked back since WA got involved......but looking forwards is much more positive

Original poster

mpuddleduck · 04/07/2009 21:24

I have spoken to a lady from WA on the phone, but only briefly. I will try and arrange to see someone next week.If not I will try and find the time to talk to her more on the phone.

I have never reported H, I did get a letter years ago from a domestic violence officer offering contact,which I never took up, after I called an amblulance because he had cut his foot on a piece of glass.

The only reason anyone else knew this time was because the children were involved and called a friend. It was her that made me call WA.

Would this make any legal arrangements more difficult?

OP posts:

Kazzi79 · 04/07/2009 21:55

No it wouldnt make anything more difficult, when I went to WA I was constantly plagued with thoughts of theyre gonna judge me on this that and the other, I was very surprised how not only supportive they were but how they didnt judge me on anything I said or had done. It was your legal right to not accept help from the dv officer, mention it as it might help them to chase up some records to support you, it certainly wont go against you.

Original poster

mpuddleduck · 04/07/2009 22:11

Thank you Kazzi79, It all still seems a bit unreal,
sounds like you will be fantastic working in family law.

OP posts:

Kazzi79 · 04/07/2009 22:18

I wont lie to you, its very draining and tiring, buts its completely worth it.

And I hope I'll be good in family law, too many people in the field dont have enough knowledge of domestic violence issues, I hope I can use my personal experiences to make a difference xx

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