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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Would you be a bit wary of a man who you knew also had kids but never appears to see them?

21 replies

spicemonster · 19/06/2009 19:47

That's it really. I know a bloke, friend of a friend, seems really nice and seems like he's quite keen on me. I know he has 3 kids, various ages but think the eldest is maybe 16, other two are in double figures I think. His kids live in one city and he's moved to another where I live. I sort of know what he's up to most weekends (through facebook and mutual friends) and he never appears to go and see his kids. Neither do they come and visit him as far as I know.

I know I could ask him but I'm wary of getting closer and then finding out there's some horrible back story. He doesn't even talk about them much - never says he really misses them or anything. Is that a bit odd or am I just being really stupid?

I don't think he's been told to keep away by the courts or anything (I'd be very, very surprised - he's really kind and gentle seeming and I know people who have known him years) but I find it really distressing that he's not seeing his kids. He and his ex split up about 3 years ago and have just got divorced.

I'm single with no ex so thought maybe you all with exes could give me some perspective?

OP posts:

littlelamb · 19/06/2009 19:49

Yes, I would steer clear. But that is just me and my prejudice. There may well be a good reason why he doesn't see them. But for that to be OK with me, it would have to be a damn good reason.

Surfermum · 19/06/2009 19:57

He might be having difficulty seeing them because their mum is being awkward. Maybe it's upsetting for him so he keeps a lid on it by not talking about it. I think men can be different to us about these things - we tend to spill all to anyone who will listen, they pretend it's not happening.

I wouldn't steer clear, I'd find out some facts first, talk to him and ask a few questions. If it turned out he was one of those who couldn't really be bothered then I'd be wary.

ninah · 19/06/2009 20:26

if he misses them he might be more likely to avoid talking about them than bring it up
but I'd be wary too

Original poster

spicemonster · 19/06/2009 21:03

I'm glad people think I'm not a bit mad to be wary. Hmm ... not sure how to proceed. Don't want to lead him on but neither do I like the idea of him replacing his existing children with mine (yes I know I'm jumping the gun a bit but I can tell he is one of those people who hates being single and would jump with alacrity into a new one). I was thinking about inviting him over tomorrow but I think that might be construed as more than it is. I think I need to find out a bit more about the whys and wherefores of his situation before I have him round to my house.

OP posts:

aseriouslyblondemoment · 19/06/2009 22:02

hi spice how you doing?!
yes you're right to be a tad wary but i wouldn't completely write him off
you will however need to delve a bit deeper if you can without seeming nosey or insensitive
tricky i know
they're may well be probs.with exw preventing access to the kids or maybe where he lives now isn't suitable to have them over to stay?

ninah · 20/06/2009 09:51

why don't you meet him out, drink lunch etc and chat? even if he's a solid gold dad there's no rush ...

Niceguy2 · 20/06/2009 10:03

Meet up for a few drinks first, get chatting and see what happens.

Your at step 0 right now, get to step 1 before worrying about step 32.

Original poster

spicemonster · 20/06/2009 10:15

Hi ASBM - hanging on in there as ever

Thanks all. I think the problem is if I invite him out for drinks, he'll take it quite seriously. He has asked me to go on a walk (just us and my DS) and I think that would be a good opportunity to find out more. But I think that if I then backed off after he'd opened up, he'd find it hard and I don't want to hurt him. He's in a bit of a mentally fragile state - off work sick longterm - and so isn't in a good place to cope with any kind of rejection. Sorry if that's a bit AIBU by stealth - I feel bad talking about him 'behind his back' as it were but think that fact is probably quite pertinent to my disquiet about the whole thing.

OP posts:

ridingjoker · 20/06/2009 15:52

i he's in a fragile mental state i would say he's defo not someone to even consider starting anything with

bumsrush · 22/06/2009 13:52

My DP very rarely sees his kids, when him and his exp split he ended up having the kids himself for a couple of years, but she still claimed all the child benifit etc, when he tried to claim it she decided she wanted the kids and came and took them. She then made it very difficult for him to see them and they became more and more distant, now they are all late teens and busy with their own lives and not all that interested in seeing their dad or mum either as it is.

As for OP especially as the older 2 are in their 20s they are probably busy with their own lives. My mum lives a couple of hours away and I rarely see her. I am sure I could see her more but there is no horrible story we are just not that close. They are all pretty grown up now and maybe have jobs, girlfriends/ boyfriends, college etc. I would not expect him to be saying he was missing them.

bumsrush · 22/06/2009 13:55

Sorry reading that back perhaps they are 11-20 not in their 20s. Anyway I would still be thinking maybe mum has made it difficult over the past 3 years.

cestlavielife · 22/06/2009 16:23

fragile mental state = steer clear, keep at arms length....

you are already worried about his reax if you "lead him on"..

bells ringin...

Flibbertyjibbet · 22/06/2009 16:33

My first thought is that maybe he doens't put his contact with his kids all over his facebook?

then I read down and I can see that you are over analysing every hair on his head and breath he takes.

Not good.

I wouldn't bother really, if he was right for you then there wouldn't be all this 'should I/will he/he might/ifs/buts etc etc. Do you really want all that to be worrying about all the time?

And thats even before I got to the bit about the fragile mental state. Leave him to heal in his own time - I would worry that in his state he might get far too dependent far too quick and then turn into a stalker type if you need to make an exit.

Original poster

spicemonster · 23/06/2009 11:46

You're right flibbertyjibbet. I am over-analysing big time. I don't really fancy him if I'm honest but I have such a big history of going for 'unsuitable' men that I am trying to change that by not knocking every nice man that likes me back from the word go. But I think that this man, while he might be nice, has too many other issues which override the 'nice bloke' status.

Oh well - back to the drawing board.

OP posts:

Flibbertyjibbet · 23/06/2009 20:40

I had years of not really fancying anyone after I left my abusive ex. People just kept trying to fix me up with really unsuitable men who were 'nice' just because well thats supposed to be better than being on your own right?

So I just gave up, started a college course and thought oh well I will just be single.

10 months later i met dp. no analysing, no worrying, we just clicked.

The best advice I ever had was someone who said 'you know when you've met the right person because you just click with no effort whatsoever'. And its true. Whilst I do agree with working and putting an effort into a long term relationship that might be having a hard spot, I really don't agree with havign to put emotional effort into a new relationship.

Honestly, stop looking and a good man will come along - I think the good ones know when we are looking too hard and they hide

SolidGoldBrass · 26/06/2009 01:39

Run away. You don't even fancy him (which suggests that you may have better radar than you think) yet he wants to meet your DC and rush into a relationship. It's not totally impossible that the reason he doesn;t see his own DC is because he's a nonce and isn't allowed to see them - sorry to feed into general social paranoia but this does happen.
The other (and TBH more likely) explanation from what you have posted is that he is a self-pitying blame-everyone-else twat just looking for somewhere to cocklodge. It's not compuslory to have a partner, you know. Looking round desperately for someone to fit the label of 'partner' unfortunately tends to make you a target for knobbers, cocklodgers and, sadly, nonces.

Original poster

spicemonster · 27/06/2009 18:52

SGB I'm very aware it's not compulsory to have a partner - I haven't had one for about 5 years so I'm certainly not the sort of person who jumps into relationships in haste and repents at leisure. It's just really because everyone I know likes him so I feel like I ought to iyswim. I don't think he's a nonce. I fucking hope not He's met my DS a load of times actually.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 27/06/2009 22:22

OK it's not that likely he's a nonce. But just because everyone else likes him doesn't mean you have to drop your knickers- if they all like him let them suck his cock.

edam · 27/06/2009 22:25

So you don't fancy him, he's off work long-term sick, he doesn't seem to see much of his children... this is not adding up to a picture of Mr Right.

sooey76 · 16/08/2009 07:56

I'd be wary. My ex (as far as I know-I haven't looked) puts everything on facebook. His new gf, HER kids. Then I found out last week that his grandad keeps putting nice comments about our kids on and he deletes it!!!!No mention whatsoever of our kids! I was really mad! It's as though he wants to forget they exist- he see's them maybe once a week for 10 minutes. I do think it has a lot to do with his gf, but what kind of man abandons his kids - for whatever reason? It is possible your bloke does have a good reason -teenagers often have lives of their own and don't want to go to dads - away from their friends, but you'd have to ask him. Maybe they have things to do on a weekend, football, rugby? and it's not really possible to go to dads. Just be careful

caramelwaffle · 23/08/2009 21:37

SolidGold and edam are 100% spot on.

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