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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Contact - how would you feel about this? Is it a good idea?

59 replies

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 12:11

XP has seen DD only a few times since she was born. She does not have a relationship with him. She does not know him at all. We are in the process of agreeing contact. Obviously this will have to be supervised to start with as she is only 2.5 and he is a stranger.

It has been suggested that XP could have some or all contact visits at DD's nursery.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

On one hand the visits would be 'supervised' by people I trust to care for my daughter and would take place in an environment where she is happy and safe while minimising the amount of time I have to spend in his company.

But I'm very uncomfortable about the idea and can't quite put my finger on why.

Any thoughts? Would you agree to this? Is it a good idea? Are there potential drawbacks that I have not spotted?

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GypsyMoth · 06/04/2009 12:16

Who suggested this? I've never, ever heard of this before. Nursery supervising access? Contact centres are the norm in these cases.

Suppose the nursery will offer this service to all parents will they?

lostdad · 06/04/2009 13:07

What about your dd's grandparents supervising (your or his parents)?

Whatever you choose to do, talk to your xp about the child you both brought into the world. If you have concerns, tell him. Listen to his side of things - work together.

See how things go. Maybe things'll go worse than you thought, maybe better - one or the other.

Her wellbeing is paramount, obviously. But if he's going to be part of his life, he will need to be treated like an equal parent. I don't know the guy so maybe he doesn't want to be one, but make sure you aren't the one to choose this - otherwise you will give him the excuse for the rest of his life to say you tried to cut him out - which is the sort of thing that gets said whether it is true or not.

Whatever you do, consider and discuss with him how to progress things. Don't think that if you are happy with, say supervised contact that it should stay like that in perpetuity.

Small steps, careful one, but progress all the same is the best way forward.

lostdad · 06/04/2009 13:08

Or friends? Or you biting your tongue for your dd's benefit so she can see her mum and dad working together for her benefit - something you'd be uncomfortable with at first, but something you'll be able to bear for her sake, even if you never like it.

lostdad · 06/04/2009 13:09

Contact centres are appalling places by the way. My son was forced to see me in them and he hated them. He cried, screamed and was visibly made nervous by the older kids running around - all facts used to `prove' he was scared of me.

Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 13:09

That was my first thought. I haven't asked formally if they will accomodate this, but informally the nursery manager has said that it is not impossible and that she has experienced it in a previous job. But the staff would have to be consulted if I ask formally for them to consider doing it.

Assuming that the nursery staff agreed to it, would you?

I can't work out if it a good idea, and therefore something to enquire about formally, or a really bad idea and something to be rejected immediately.

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Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 13:17

lostdad - my parents can't supervise meetings. And I don't have any friends who would be able to supervise in the longer term. Maybe one or two meetings, but not over a period of months while my DD gets accustomed to this new person.

I'm happy to supervise the meetings to start with. I've already proposed a perfectly workable and reasonable contact schedule which I anticipated would evolve over time.

He rejected it.

For the sake of my daughter I am prepared to spend time in his company while he gets to know her.

The nursery suggestion has thrown me becasue I can't work out if it is a good idea or not.

I would prefer to avoid a contact centre if possible, but he is NOT coming to my home and until I know she is confident and happy to be with im she is not going to his.

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solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 06/04/2009 13:23

Why did he reject the schedule you proposed? Is he the one pushing for contact, and if so is he pushing for contact in order to harass or manipulate you? And is he or has he ever been violent?
Basically while it is in your DD's best interest to have a relationship with her father if it's remotely feasible, there has to be reasonable effort on his side to maintain the relationship as well. If he is trying to get contact purely to harass you (ie he doesn't care whether or not he sees DD but wants to make you jump through hoops) then making reasonable offers and having them documented is all you need to do. He certainly isn't entitled to enter your home if you don't want him there, and it is not unreasonable to say that a 2-year-old should not have to go to a strange place without a familiar person for any length of time.

GypsyMoth · 06/04/2009 13:23

thing is tho,assuming he has pr, then I doubt the nursery could prevent him just wandering off out if the nursery with her. Are they really going to be responsible if he does that? Not saying he is likely to abduct her, just that as far as supervision goes, he could just leave with her for his contact.

Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 13:31

Hi SGSB.

He hasn't shown any interest in her until recently. He is the one now pushing for contact. I don't know what his motives are. I'm reluctant, but not refusing. I accept that DD has a right to know him, but I want to make sure that she gets to know him at a pace that is right for her and to be certain that she is protected if he does a volte-face and buggers off out of her life again.

Does anyone have any thoughts about the idea of him visiting her at nursery? I'm not trying to decide whether he should see her, but to work out what is the best way of facilitating it.

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oopsagain · 06/04/2009 13:34

i would avoid nurery in case it all goes wrong and he either lets her down or she gets upset.

it would be bad if she went to nursry every day exoceting to see him becuase she doesn't understand that he won't mbe there on most days.. iyswim.

and if he lets her down etc, then she'll be upset at nurery- and that won't help her go back on a dya to dya basis..

Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 13:34

ILoveTIFFANY - that's one of the things I'm worried about. The nursery manager seemed confident that this wouldn't be a problem if it was in writing that he can't leave the premises with her.

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Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 13:36

oopsagain - if he did go into nursery it would be fortnightly at most.

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GypsyMoth · 06/04/2009 13:39

Confident she may well be, but she can't legally stop him. And is the nursery really willing to prevent him if the problem arose!?doubt it.

Also, if it goes badly and/or he let's her down, then she may well end up associating nursery with him, then getting upset etc

Lostdad......... Not ALL contact centres are bad, and if you're seeing your kids then it shouldn't matter where you are!!!

GypsyMoth · 06/04/2009 13:39

Confident she may well be, but she can't legally stop him. And is the nursery really willing to prevent him if the problem arose!?doubt it.

Also, if it goes badly and/or he let's her down, then she may well end up associating nursery with him, then getting upset etc

Lostdad......... Not ALL contact centres are bad, and if you're seeing your kids then it shouldn't matter where you are!!!

lostdad · 06/04/2009 13:40

How about organising professional mediation? Someone who is qualified in taking into account what you feel is for the best, talking to him too and coming up with a solution you are both happy to live with.

Trust takes time to build (or rebuild), but little by little it is possible. Google National Family Mediation to come up with something. They offer things like shuttle mediation (where you and he can sit in different rooms and the mediator moved back and forth) and can organise a number of sessions to push things in the right directions.

Avoid contact centres (and solicitors! and court!) like the plague - they are an absolute last resort.

GypsyMoth · 06/04/2009 13:43

Would he be prepared to pay for mediation, or pay for a private contact centre?

lostdad · 06/04/2009 13:45

`and if you're seeing your kids then it shouldn't matter where you are!!!'

Having watched my ds in floods of tears because he clearly hated the place, I'd disagree. It was like being in a prison waiting room - having been put in prison for something you haven't done and haven't been to court for.

I'm speaking from person experience.

Wouldn't any good parent feel hurt and insulted if they can only see their children with someone watching them? Would you?

Yes, if it's the only option a good parent it has to do. Contact centres fill a much-needed purpose. Doesn't mean the service they provide isn't used when not needed though. They are a last resort, not a first one.

Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 13:46

We're going through mediation, but I assume that this is one of the things that will come up as a suggestion when we have our first joint session next week. And I just can't decide if it would be in DD's interests.

My instinct, actually, is to say no. But I don't know if my saying no is more about my needs or my DD's. I'd prefer to avoid contact centres, but he refused to meet me somewhere 'nice but neutral'.

I thought maybe someone here would have some thoughts on the subject, or even some experience of a similar situation.

He doesn't seem to have grasped that it isn't jsut about gaining DD's trust and that he has to make some effort to rebuild mine too.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 06/04/2009 13:47

Sounds like this dad is running out of options! What was first option that he rejected?

lostdad · 06/04/2009 13:50

I agree - it's all about compromise. From what the OP is saying, she's being more reasonable than my ex was.

Contact centres are a last resort though.

tiggerlovestobounce · 06/04/2009 13:51

I think the nursery idea is really inappropriate.
Was it your XP who suggested this idea?

chubbleigh · 06/04/2009 13:52

One thing that would make me nervous is that he would go to the nursery and either behave like an idiot or slag you off or try to get sympathy for himself. Do you feel that nursery staff would make judgements about you based on his behaviour? Or it could just be not wanting to air your dirty laundry around people who you like and respect. I was sure to keep my xp away from nursery for all of the above reasons.

mosschops30 · 06/04/2009 13:53

Burning bright you sound so naiive Im sorry to say.
But in answer to you question I would keep nursery out of it and try and think of somewhere else to start contact.
If CAFCASS or courts get involved the matter will be taken out of your hands and that includes contact and how many supervised visits your dd will have before it becomes unsupervised so try and agree something at mediation.

GypsyMoth · 06/04/2009 14:12

What is it that he wants then? What's he asking for?

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 06/04/2009 14:18

I would keep the nursery out of it for the sake of the nursery staff and other DC there as much as for your own and your DD's sake. Remember most nursery staff are paid a pittance anyway: having to act as unpaid mediators between battling parents is way beyond what they should be expected to do.
I would suggest local parks, playgrounds, softplay centres etc for meeting places at first as they are public so your XP is less likely to behave like an arse.

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