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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Contact - how would you feel about this? Is it a good idea?

59 replies

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 12:11

XP has seen DD only a few times since she was born. She does not have a relationship with him. She does not know him at all. We are in the process of agreeing contact. Obviously this will have to be supervised to start with as she is only 2.5 and he is a stranger.

It has been suggested that XP could have some or all contact visits at DD's nursery.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

On one hand the visits would be 'supervised' by people I trust to care for my daughter and would take place in an environment where she is happy and safe while minimising the amount of time I have to spend in his company.

But I'm very uncomfortable about the idea and can't quite put my finger on why.

Any thoughts? Would you agree to this? Is it a good idea? Are there potential drawbacks that I have not spotted?

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Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 15:33

I suggested that we start off with parks or play areas - somewhere where public and neutral that DD would associate with having fun.

He wants to come to my home (not an option) or my parents' home (even less of an option).

Please bear in mind that this is not a man with whom my daughter has any kind of relationship. He has never been any kind of parent to her, good or otherwise. He left when I was pregnant. He has never shown any interest in DD. Even now, when he supposedly wants to start seeing her, he has never actually shown any interest in her - how she is, what she likes, what kind of person she is.

OP posts:

mosschops30 · 06/04/2009 15:37

BB although you wont want to admit this, as 2.5 your dd will probably be very adaptable to those around her, and the more she sees your ex then she will get used to him, the fact he's shown no interest for this long will have no bearing on how she feels.
You are projecting your feelings.

I would stick with the neutral areas, did he give his reasons for refusing such a reasonable offer?

lostdad · 06/04/2009 15:39

Truly neutral venues are completely reasonable locations to start with.

Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 15:39

mosschops - 'keeping nursery out of it' is actually what my instinct is telling me to do, but I was hoping to get some viewpoints from other parents who are not as emotionally involved in my particular situatuion as I am.

Just out of curiosity, in what way do I sound 'so naive'? Naivety isn't something I have ever been accused of before!

OP posts:

mosschops30 · 06/04/2009 15:41

Then go with your instinct and refuse to involve the nursery.
I think he needs to give you good reason why he doesnt want to meet in a park or play area.
It all sounds a bit controlling on his part.

Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 15:41

mosschops (again!) - he said that a neutral location would 'not add value'.

He also referred to wanting to 'build a successful working relationship' with DD. I haven't asked wheat he means by 'working relationship' yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 15:43

I think the general consensus seems to be that nursery is not a good option. Since that actually confirms my instinct, I guess I know what the answer will be if it comes up in the mediation meeting.

OP posts:

lostdad · 06/04/2009 16:07

'build a successful working relationship' - if I used that phrase with regard to my ex I would mean cooperating and compromising with her to work together in our ds' best interests and not about the divorce and everything that has happened since. I'd mean both of us calling a truce in the hope of a better future for everyone.

It's positive language if nothing else. Keep an open mind and see what happens

cestlavielife · 06/04/2009 16:11

nursery is where children go to be away from their parents and develop relationships with other carers, their peers....mums/dads come at pick up time or on special event days. i rejected this as an option for my disabled ds (that his dad cld see him at his respite place - no, too confusing and could lead to expectation of seeing him there)

in my mind having contact at nursery, during nursery time is too confusing for the child.

and there are the other issues - ie nursery staff are not trained to supervise contact.

contact centre staff are - where it is a professional set up.

the one we shld be using is very pleasant inside. yes there is security to get in, butthere is security to get into the local soft play area...

Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 16:12

lostdad - he was talking about a successful working relationship with DD, not with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

BurningBright · 06/04/2009 16:15

cestlavie - I like your point about nursery being a place where DD can develop relationships with her peers and not a place where she should be developing a relationship with an absent parent. Thanks. That makes sense to me.

OP posts:

mosschops30 · 06/04/2009 16:29

lostdad, I understand that you are raw and have been through this (as many of us have).

But I dont think that saying things like 'would not add value' is helpful from a man who hasnt had any input for 2.5 years. He needs to be taking the lead from mum who clearly in this instance knows best (e.g. suggesting none threatening places where both she and her dd will feel comfortable)

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 06/04/2009 18:12

Lostdad: you sound like a good dad who has been unfairly treated, but an awful lot of non-residential fathers do use contact and access to torment or control their XPs. THe OP doesn't want her XP in her house, so has offered to arrange contact on neutral ground: that he is refusing to accept this and wanting to come to her home does suggest that his agenda is not so much fatherhood, more about harassing the OP.

Debra1981 · 06/04/2009 23:31

You don't sound naive you sound reasonable and concerned!?! My main concern with using the nursery for contact would be that the staff there are not trained or paid to supervise parents, but also you don't want dd to start associating nursery with him, even positively as it could lead to upsets. Good luck with the mediation, hope he comes round to the idea of neutral location.

DSM · 06/04/2009 23:50

Burningbright

Your DD, being 2.5, will probably adapt very well to this 'stranger'.

He is her father, and he has as many rights as you do to your DD. I know you might not feel that way given that he left when you were pregnant, and that is an awful thing to have done.

Surely the fact that he has missed the first 2 and a half years of her life is punishment enough?

Why would you not let him into your house?

I really despair at custody battles. I think it is the saddest thing that can happen. If people could just be amicable, and remember that the child does not belong to either parent.

GypsyMoth · 06/04/2009 23:53

Can you imagine how uncomfortable the op would be having him in her home? What about when any new partners come along?! Ludicrous idea!!!! And besides, we don't know the history with him!

DSM · 06/04/2009 23:58

Well, that is why I asked.

I really don't think it is ludicrous, many, many people do it.

willowthewispa · 07/04/2009 00:06

I'm a nursery nurse, and would feel very uncomfortable about contact happening in the nursery. I don't think it is appropriate at all, and would put the nursery nurses in a very awkward position.

Your suggestion of meeting in neutral places initially is perfectly reasonable. You don't have to have him in your home if you don't want to. I'm sure your DD will adapt quickly, but she should at least have the opportunity to get used to him in neutral, safe, low-pressure situations first.

edam · 07/04/2009 00:06

I disagree, DSM. Some guy this child never even met does not have the same rights as the mother who is and always has been the primary carer.

If he wants to start taking some responsibility, then he has to start cooperating with BB, not arguing the toss and rejecting perfectly reasonable suggestions. It's down to him to build a relationship and that means putting his dd first, not his own needs.

DSM · 07/04/2009 00:09

edam - he isn't just 'some guy' though, he is her father.

I agree with you in part, but I also stand by the fact that it takes two people to make a child, and neither one should have more rights over than child than the other. Its just the way I feel.

I do think it is hard to have sympathy for someone who walked out on their pregnant partner, but my moral beliefs regarding equal rights stand.

willowthewispa · 07/04/2009 00:14

Neither parent has "rights" over a child DSM - she's not a possession! And it's not about whether he was right or wrong to leave a pregnant partner - this isn't a moral issue. It's about what's best for the child, and as the OP has herself said, she wants to facilitate her daughter getting to know her father. She wants to do it in a gentle and appropriate way - and she doesn't want it to be at her house. All totally understandable!

At the end of the day, the person who has raised the child for her whole life is likely to have a better idea of that child's best interests than someone who doesn't know her at all.

DSM · 07/04/2009 00:18

I know, its exactly what I said! My exact quote was 'remember that the child does not belong to either parent.'

Ans my comment wasn't actually directed at the OP, it was a comment regarding custody battles in general.

GypsyMoth · 07/04/2009 00:25

He can't be that bothered if he's refused the suggested neutral places, and why the he'll hasn't he been around? Yet he now expects the ex to pander to his every whim and jump through hoops for him vow he suddenly decides he wants to play 'dad'...........wonder if he pays maintenence too?!

Original poster

BurningBright · 07/04/2009 09:31

Thanks for all the comments.

Just for the record, my DD is most definitely a person. A very strong-willed and independent-minded person at that, for all she's barely 2.5. I don't see her as a possession. But I do see her as vulnerable and precious and in need of my protection.

I've never prevented XP from seeing her; he did that all by himself. So if missing the first two and half years of her life is a punishment, DSM, then it is a self-imposed one.

As far as I am concerned neither of us has a 'right' to her. The only person whose rights matter to me in this situation are my daughter's. Hence my efforts to make arrangements that will allow her to get to know her father at a gentle pace in places where we both feel safe and that she will associate with enjoying herself. She has a right to know him, not the other way around. He denied her that right for the last 2.5 years, not me.

Obviously our home is a place where we both feel safe, but it is not an option as a venue because I would not feel comfortable having XP there. I would feel invaded. I would lose my sense of security there and that would have a detrimental effect on my DD.

OP posts:

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 07/04/2009 10:58

Is he paying any maintenance, BB? Has he offered any? I think you sound entirely reasonable and sadly it is all too likely that your XP's agenda is about tormenting you rather than getting to know his DD.

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