Contact - how would you feel about this? Is it a good idea?

[BurningBright]

XP has seen DD only a few times since she was born. She does not have a relationship with him. She does not know him at all. We are in the process of agreeing contact. Obviously this will have to be supervised to start with as she is only 2.5 and he is a stranger.

It has been suggested that XP could have some or all contact visits at DD's nursery.

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

On one hand the visits would be 'supervised' by people I trust to care for my daughter and would take place in an environment where she is happy and safe while minimising the amount of time I have to spend in his company.

But I'm very uncomfortable about the idea and can't quite put my finger on why.

Any thoughts? Would you agree to this? Is it a good idea? Are there potential drawbacks that I have not spotted?

Maintenance has nothing to do with it - there is no link in law between money and contact and neither should there be, so it is irrelevant. Talking about maintenance here is a red herring.

Hopefully this post won't be deleted without comment, but I'm beginning to lose hope.

He does pay maintenance. Can't fault him there.

I hesitate to make assumptions about his motives or agenda. For DD's sake I want to think that he has her interests at heart and that in the long term having an opportunity to get to know him will be a good thing for her.

But I do feel that he is trying to control the situation and I would be much less reluctant and anguished about it if he'd taken a more conciliatory approach.

I do feel tormented. And anxious. And threatened.

Won't be telling him that, of course!

lostdad - I agree that maintenance and contact are and should be separate.

BB - sounds like you are being more than reasonable.

I think the key is communication here - the moment you stop talking, the moment things go downhill rapidly. If you can, explain your reluctance to him. Ask him what his motivations are. There aren't many people who are truly nasty but it can seem like it if you don't understand their point of view.

He needs to understand your one and vice versa.

Could you propose a schedule to him, leading to what he thinks is for the best if all goes well? Something alone the lines of he agrees to meet in a venue you've proposed for, say a couple of months and if all goes well (i.e. both of you think it is going well), you go to the next step you've discussed and agreed on?

A lot of tiny steps over time will amount to a big change and there's no reason why you and your ex don't respect each others' views, don't feel you're trying to control each other and actually regard each other as allies making sure your DD has the childhood she is entitled to.

Lostdad, I agree that maintenance and contact are not the same thing, but a bloke who refuses to pay maintenance (but is not broke) and also wants to jerk his XP around regarding contact arrangements isn't behaving like someone who wants to do the right thing by his DC.
BB: It does sound like he is trying to do the right thing in many ways but that still doesn't mean you are obliged to let him in your house when you don't want him there. I suggest asking him to pick neutral territory (not the nursery for the good reasons everyone else has given).

Maybe, but it's still a red herring.

If `entitlement' for a child to see his/her NRP, then by the same logic an NRP who is denied contact has no obligation to pay.

Parents have a whole host obligations to their DC. Financial ones are just one of the set, but the one that always seems the main one to crop up in topics of this sort.

Oh I think it is unfair to deny the NRP contact and still expect money unless the reason the NRP is no longer in the family home is because of abuse of other family members. Abusive individuals should not escape their obligations but they still forfeit a lot of the rights/benefits/privileges that non-abusive people are entitled to.

I agree with you 100%. On the other hand - who decides if someone is abusive or not? Personally, I'd love to have the opportunity to face a trial in a criminal court to answer the accusations I've had thrown at me.

This is something else I have been on the wrong end of, BTW.

Lostdad: I understand your feelings if you have been wrongly accused of abuse and denied contact.