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dd has written her dad a letter, and wants it sent asap

68 replies

piratebunnywunny · 28/03/2009 22:07

We are still yes still going thru the mill, but after 3 night so ftears we have just done a letter.

Well she did it all by herself, saying how sad sheid, and how selfish he is. Some parts are excruciatingly sad, and aremore like they were written by a 12 yr old. How sad she has to do this.

So why am i scared to send it. How crap is that.

OP posts:
Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 23:29

Is she 12?

N1 · 28/03/2009 23:42

Anything emotional done in a rush (like writing a damaging letter) should be done in a planned and calculated way.

The consequences of sending such a letter should be viewed from the receivers perspective, so the writer can reconsider sending it.

Once sent, it's usually to late to change your mind.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 29/03/2009 00:33

pirate not sure of the history here
but have to say sometimes its better to say it how it is
and quite frankly for a 12yrold to write it all down would choke me frankly
hope he feels ashamed and rightly so
i would send it
N1 wtf was that post about?
i think the recipient here isnt important it's a 12yrold child
we're adults she isn't
end of.

lou33 · 29/03/2009 00:40

i would like to think that a child should be able to tell her mum or dad why they are so hurt by their behaviour and not to have to worry about the feelings of the adult concerned

i tell my kids to ask anything they like of myself or my exh, and not to worry about upsetting us, we are the adults, not them

iirc pirates daughter is younger than 12, and she is saying that her style of writing is more mature than her age

pirate, fwiw these men are , imo better off out of hte lives of our children, if they cant care enough to take an interest in them

piratecat · 29/03/2009 09:57

hi, sorry wasn't on last night to read your replies, just flaked out!

dd is coming up for 7. I will see what she says today. I did say that dad might be surprised or cross even to get it, but she said she doesn't care anymore. She said she felt better for having written it ,so maybe that's all it will be, a letter unsent.

She is due to see the counsellor at the end of the week. She hasn't seen her for months now, as i went the last time, and the counsellor was off ill for some t ime. Yet when i asked her if she would like to go and see her, she was emotional and very relieved, saying 'oh yes mummy' . I guess the letter has been a n outlet, the gradual build up let loose, iyswim.

TheLadyEvenstar · 29/03/2009 10:39

Pirate, I know how you feel.
my ds1 wrote a letter telling his father what he felt and wanted....

It is a month ago since i sent you the lsat message and you have not replied.
Please I am now old enough to tell you how i feel. I want to feel i belong to someone other than just mummy. I am 10 1/2 ben not a baby. if you don't want to see me or talk to me then please send me a message and let me know. I want a dad i don't want to be the only one in my family not having a dad. you are not letting me have one...i have messaged you to ask you what am I to you? am i the son you once had? or am i a memory?
B you don't know me and I don't know you, you have never given me the chance to know you. I know you say it was all mummys fault and she says some of it was but i remember you hitting MY mummy and that was not her fault violence is wrong i know that at 10yrs old. men should not hit women for any reason....I don't care if you like me saying that its true. You are like the bullies in my school you did something wrong and then blamed someone else.
B, its simple either you are my father or you are my dad, i want to know. I want to be part of one family you are stopping me being adopted by G because you won't reply. I have tried phoning, text you so you have my number spoken to your sister, your dad, and your friends why are you so mean to me... I can't wait forever i want to be a happy little boy and have a daddy who loves me. G is all of those things...when did you last take me on holiday? you didn't well you did on a holiday that mummy won, you have never taken me to a football match G has we went to see leeds play. You have never seen a school play G has even though he works nights, or to the cinema, or disney land, or the seaside, you have never taken me to mc donalds, burger king, bowling, swimming, you have never seen me in my choir, you never knew i was in birmingham in july in a choral competition, or that i have a poem published in a book. You didn't see me when I was first a big brother and so proud i sent you an email and a text. I have no granparents from you or aunties or uncles but i do from mummy and g. Why can't you just let me be happy and tell me G can adopt me that way you can stay with your arsenal (they are rubbish anyway, leeds are the best) and your band. I remember the times i asked to see you and you told me you couldn' t as you were playing in the band or watching football....yes you really made me feel wanted "dad"

SOn to G and V

He saw him a few weeks ago for the first time in 3 1/2 yrs. DS1 said he did what he wanted and now will never see him again.

N1 · 29/03/2009 15:23

Some parents do silly things. Children react (as does the other parent).

If the parent who cares for the child helps the child make better informed decisions, the child might be helped from making a decision they might regret in later life.

While I do agree with children needing to say the things they feel, it's sometimes better to let the child express themselves and then the emotional influence has calmed, the child make a decision about sending a letter.

If this situation was in court. The child (age 7) sends a damaging letter, it's unlikely that a Judge would stop all contact between a child and the absent parent. In effect, the child knows what they said and might feel even more uncomfortable being expected to see the parent they just had a go at.

TheLadyEvenstar · 29/03/2009 15:30

Well maybe it is time the courts listened to children then.

lou33 · 29/03/2009 15:33

i never regretted it as a child and still dont now

and tbh if a father is not interested enough to see his child i highly doubt he would go to court after a letter to see them again

TheProvincialLady · 29/03/2009 15:38

When I was 12 I wrote a letter to my abusive father telling him about my feelings - which were a mixture of angry and sad ones. But I was strongly discouraged from sending it and didn't. By this I learned yet again that other people's feelings are more important than mine, even if that person has made your life hell for 12 years and is in prison for doing so. I say, let children express their feelings and let the adults who caused them bear the responsibility.

N1 · 29/03/2009 15:41

Courts appoint CAFCASS, who are meant to be the eyes and ears of the Judge.

CAFCASS do talk to children but the reporters have selective hearing and understanding.

A child of 7 does get the opportunity to express their wishes, though there is little weight given to what a young child says. Young children can be influenced (by either parent). Some parents try to influence their child in ways to suit their own needs. If courts regularly listened to all children (including the influenced children) there would be many absent parents not seeing their children when acrimonious separation happens.

lou33 · 29/03/2009 15:48

you are assuming courts are involved and that the father actually gives a shit n1

and you are assuming that the resident parent generally tries to influence the child in their decision

my mother never once tried to do that and nor have i with my kids

the behaviour of the absent parent will give off a clear enough signal of their own, imo

N1 · 29/03/2009 15:49

A child of 7 can send the letter - no real issue there. The problem starts when the problem goes to court. Any slippery barrister can take a well written letter and claim that a 7 year old didn't write it, so who is next in line? The mother helped the child write the letter.....or someone else.

Ass a psychologist into the situation and the problem just got bigger and worse.

In a case I know about, there is a child under the age of 5. One parent has very little parenting skills and claims to want to learn. The parent with care is a very good parent (in many ways) and keeps the child busy most of the time. The absent parent (seemingly) struggles to keep the child entertained. As a result, the child doesn't want to see the absent parent. There is a psychiatrist involved. The case in court is well over the £30 000 mark and showing little signs of an end. The case is on the way for being in court for 4 years soon. The child is telling people that they don't want to see the absent parent, but can't really say why (yet) and the child is not listened to by CAFCASS.

Sometimes it's better to teach the child about other options till the child is older. Once a case gets into court, you don't have other options.

N1 · 29/03/2009 15:53

The OP said "through the mill". I got the impression that the case might still be in court. If the case isn't in court, it could go there.

lou33 · 29/03/2009 16:02

it only goes to court if the absent parent wants contact tho

N1 · 29/03/2009 16:15

It goes to court if the parents can't make decisions (about the child) between themselves and can't agree. One parent asks a Judge to apply the law and help make the decision.

lou33 · 29/03/2009 16:48

thats my point, but if the father doesnt care enough to keep contact then he wont go to court for access, and a letter wont change that

like i said you assume the father may care enough to do something about it, not all absent parents are being refused access to their children, many just cant be arsed

the poor child is quite entitled to tell him how hurt she is, though from pc's history i doubt the dad will be that bothered

N1 · 29/03/2009 17:13

the father might not care enough to keep the contact arrangements but the father might care enough to want to keep the relationship alive.

The mother might not want the father to have both (a relationship and irregular contact), so the mother chooses an "all or nothing" approach. There is no law that tells the resident parent that they can limit or restrict contact.

In this case, the child goes to counseling. A counselor is not expected to give details about the therapy, so a professional or expert might need to be appointed. A difficult time in any person's life.

At the moment, the question is - does the child send the letter. I n my mind, the mother might ask the child if s/he would give the letter to the absent parent personally. If not, I would imagine that the child wants to say something damaging which might have future consequences. The after effect of the letter can be diverted at this stage.

If there is a good chance that the father is going to walk away, then sending a letter might just make him less likely to walk back at a later time. If the father was walking, is there any reason to send a damaging letter?

lou33 · 29/03/2009 17:16

why shouldnt he understand how he has hurt her?

he is the adult not her, he should be worrying about her feelings and what he has put her through not the other way round

Janos · 29/03/2009 17:28

What lou said.

Children aren't adults and certainly don't need to be taking responsibility for how an adult feels.

Personally I think it's heartbreaking that a young girl feels a need to write a letter like this to her Dad.

OP - has it helped her, do you think?

N1 · 29/03/2009 17:28

The mother is an adult as well and I would think that the mother is the better person to articulate the child's feelings to the absent parent. I do think the father should get to find out about how he is upsetting the child. How he gets to find out is a possible solution before asking the child to apply herself.

Some parents can't communicate without there being an argument (My ex (and I) are an example of that). I bridges that by writing to her solicitor and now through emails to her. It's taken over 5 years to get right mind.

By expecting a 7 year old child to sort all her own "issues" out might not be the best idea.

Janos · 29/03/2009 17:35

That is so obviously not the point N1. Don't you get it? This is a little girl who is upset, venting her feelings.

She's allowed to do that and how her Dad might or might not feel about it is NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY.

Ewe · 29/03/2009 17:38

I think it is good to allow your daughter the chance to get her feelings out, as you say, she feels better so she may not want to send it after all. Maybe forget to post it so that she has a couple of calmer days and can make a less emotional decision about it.

N1, I agree that you seem to be missing the point and making this about your situation, not the OP.

lou33 · 29/03/2009 17:54

N1 you are being daft if you think pirate is expecting a child of nearly 7 to sort her own issues out and you are deliberately refusing to see that the child is trying to let he father know how hurt she is which she has a right to do

not everything is sorted by a court of law

Toothache · 29/03/2009 18:03

N1 - I think you're taking a very blinkered view of this situation and not listening to the other comments.

My ex doesn't believe me when i tell him how upset my ds (7) is. He thinks I'm making it all up and that ds1 is absolutely fine. Well he isn't, he's seeing a clinical psychologist.

ExH has irregular contact and can be volatile and aggressive towards me at handover times. My ds has on more than one occasion wanted to phone his Dad and tell him how upset he is when he doesn't turn up, or changes arrangements last minute.

No court can make him have regular access if he doesn't care enough.

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