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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

dd has written her dad a letter, and wants it sent asap

68 replies

piratebunnywunny · 28/03/2009 22:07

We are still yes still going thru the mill, but after 3 night so ftears we have just done a letter.

Well she did it all by herself, saying how sad sheid, and how selfish he is. Some parts are excruciatingly sad, and aremore like they were written by a 12 yr old. How sad she has to do this.

So why am i scared to send it. How crap is that.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Katrina7 · 29/03/2009 20:17

piratecat

she semms very much hurt

I had a thread last two days about this - the title is 'do your children see their dad' if you want to read it - and one poster said that some men see children as 'Pay as You Go' and it is true. And this is what happens when men treat their children like this. The children get very hurt.

But honestly , is any man who believes that if he runs away and ignore the child will not get hurt?/

Toothache · 29/03/2009 20:33

Piratecat - My ds also wet the bed until he was 6. He sees a Clinial Psychologist now and absolutely loves going, presumably as this is his outlet. He asks me to leave the room now. lol

N1 - what is your obsession with court?

N1 · 29/03/2009 20:46

It's good that the situation is not at court.

If the child sent the letter, there is an obvious expectation from the Dad and by the child (that has been mentioned). The child seems to want to see more of the child.

The letter might identify with some of the child's frustrations but doesn't offer any idea about a solution. I would be a bit questioning about a 7 year old being able to offer the "wrongs", it's effects and the options for a solution. Hence why I think that the discussions should be between the parents and involve the child in a limited way.

There is a expectation of the resident parent promoting contact. Perhaps defining your role in promoting contact might be a step forward, so the dad knows what you are going to do. If it's not on the list, then it's not going to get done. You might want to ask him if he wants any amendments, to see the reply.

Then just apply the effort with in the parameters of the proposal.

Then let the contact continue. A resident parent trying to hard (to make contact work) makes the absent parent try less.

N1 · 29/03/2009 20:51

I don't have an obsession with court. Court however is where disagreements end and if you can present a case to a court then any process without a court is easier.

lou33 · 29/03/2009 21:00

pirate, that is a perfect example of the kind of thing my kids say to their father, and the response they get back is a fob off

it's heartbreaking isnt it, because they are right in their perceptions, but we have to keep our mouth shut and once again try and reassure them and try to limit the damage that the father inflicts by his lack of caring that his own child hurts so badly they are almost begging him to do something about it

they never will though

dd2 has had her birthday totally ignored even tho a month before her father took ds2 for lunch , bought him a gift etc

when she asked him why she didnt even get a card, his reply was that he had called her to say happy birthday

your daughter's letter is v reminiscent of how dd2 would write

i hate the fact these so called grown men cannot accept that their actions are hurting children

N1 i think you are being deliberately provocative so i am not going to reply to your posts for now

mothergoingmad · 29/03/2009 23:42

This is called 'mumsnet' for a reason! People like N1 just come on here to wind everyone up! I've read 2 different posts already tonight and on both N1 is there pissing everyone right off! Wish he would.

You sound just like the prat that calls himself my dc's 'father'.
He has not seen dc properly since sept '08, dc decision as they have realised for themselves without my input that he is a complete arse who only cares about himself.
Dc saw him very briefly in Jan this year and the last thing my dd age 10 said to him was " I hate you and wish you were dead!" very strong words for a 10 yr old but that is how they feel about him. DD wants to send him a card for fathers day, to the worst dad in the world. I have discouraged her from doing this as don't believe the right thing to do, but I'm starting to think suggesting she sends him a letter might be a better idea. Just to let her vent and tell him how she feels and why to get it all off her chest.

Nobody should be thinking about how the absent father will feel or how it would look in court, it is the dc that matter and should be the only consideration!

That's my rant over, sorry guys but some people make me MAD!

mothergoingmad · 29/03/2009 23:44

N1 suggesting the parents sort out issues is rediculous if the parents don't/can't communicate as in my experience the Mum gets accused of poisoning the dc minds and putting words in their mouths. In my case not needed, I gave him the rope he hung himself, simple.

oopsagain · 30/03/2009 00:17

i don't even understand n1's writing, really.
i reckon he should jsut be ignored.

it's a shame he's hijacked your thread with his confusing stuff.

and poor dd- i hope she feels a bit happier soon...
but i bet her dad won't step up...

Maybe she needs some help to reaslie that the most important thing is how you feel about yourself... but she's so little still, poor girl.

N1 · 30/03/2009 00:28

If the OP thinks I am better off not responding to the thread they started, I will accept the request and step away.

piratecat · 30/03/2009 07:31

such sad stories from you other ladies. My dd too has said words to that effect about wishing herself dead tho, not her dad.
Thereis absolutely no excuse or words to describe some of the behaviours, like lou's 'well i rang her on herbirthday' wtf IS that.

HOW N1 do you suggest we deal with that sort od 'doscrepency'.? This is the sort of , frankly 'mental' behaviour we have to navigate our children through.

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 30/03/2009 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lou33 · 30/03/2009 09:45

i know he does

i just felt he was not trying to help, merely crusading for his own cause

piratecat · 30/03/2009 10:56

reality, thankyou for your post. It's weird, that letter is still sat in my bag, it's almost like I don't want him to have any part of her, including her grief, becuase he has never listened before.

I am not sure what i will do with it, for today anyway. I think dd would love me to have a partner, so that the focus is taken away. I have shut down where he is concerned, did that most of last yr. Unfortunately, when i could stand it no longer i gave him advice last yr, on how to approach dd, and that was suppsed to be the fresh start.
That's why dd is so fucked up now, as he actually apologised to her (well i asked him to).

hmm, speaks for itself really doesn't it.

ItsMargotBeauregarde · 30/03/2009 11:01

N1, I don't know what planet you're living on, but an emotional letter from a child to her Dad, how is that going to make a situation worse??

It's not down to the adults to manipulate the child's true feelings to suit the reality of how much contact/support etc the father gives.

The child is entitled to feel how the child feels, and should be allowed to feel that without being made feel guilty.

No judge is going to 'punish' a child by reducing contact.

OP, well done for allowing your daughter freedom to write her letter, however sad it is. Feelings are better out and dealt with, than supressed or manipulated for a quiet life.

ItsMargotBeauregarde · 30/03/2009 11:05

I can't believe this from N1 Your 'advice' is so damaging.

"Perhaps defining your role in promoting contact might be a step forward, so the dad knows what you are going to do."

don't you think she's doing everything you can?
you can't force a father to visit his child
it's not the mother's fault and your tone seems to suggest that failings lie at her door

StewieGriffinsMom · 30/03/2009 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

N1 · 30/03/2009 21:06

If it's better for me to not add to this post, the OP of this thread can request me to not post.

lou33 · 30/03/2009 22:23

why do you need her to tell you so emphatically N1 when you can see your posts have caused upset

it smacks of attention seeking to me

posting about not posting but only if pirate asks you to stop?

how old are you?

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