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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

dd has written her dad a letter, and wants it sent asap

68 replies

piratebunnywunny · 28/03/2009 22:07

We are still yes still going thru the mill, but after 3 night so ftears we have just done a letter.

Well she did it all by herself, saying how sad sheid, and how selfish he is. Some parts are excruciatingly sad, and aremore like they were written by a 12 yr old. How sad she has to do this.

So why am i scared to send it. How crap is that.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

noddyholder · 29/03/2009 18:05

The difference between her writing hr own letter and sending it and not could be huge as she gets older.That one simple thing could bring her some sort of closure instead of holding it in and fextering ready to come out as god knows what as she gets older.N1 you have some strange ideas

N1 · 29/03/2009 18:07

I agree that the child should vent and express her feelings. The opposite is worse, possibly to the point of being destructive.

The question (from what I can tell) is - the OP is asking if the letter should be sent.

If the mother is scared of sending the letter, the content is likely to be damaging. The mother cannot guarantee that the child will never see the father again - so the question is - can the child agree to send the letter and then face the father?

If not, is it not better to keep the child writing letters but not send the letter?

If the child thinks that sending the letter is still a good idea and the child can "live with" seeing the father after, the letter can be sent.

To a 7 year old, I think it's easier to ask the child if they would give the letter to the father personally. If they won't, then I think it's fair to assume that the child wouldn't want to face the father in the near future.

How the Dad might feel shouldn't be the child's responsibility but the dad might be someone insensitive and make it the child's responsibility. If that's the case, is it not better for the problem to be contained till the child is older and better able to deal with emotive issues.

The girl is involving her mother in the difficult issue. Can a person ask - is the mother avoiding the issue because the mother can't face talking to the father, so the mother pushes the responsibility onto the child? I am not having a go at the OP, I am presenting a possible argument that the mother might face.

Janos · 29/03/2009 18:15

I think we might be dealing with a "brick wall" situation here!

Piratecat hope all this palaver hasn't put you off posting for support. I think the vast majority of us here understand completely that you are a good mum who is just concerned for your DD.

lou33 · 29/03/2009 18:17

n1 your comments leave me wondering if we are reading the same thread

Toothache · 29/03/2009 18:21

N1 - Maybe she can't face him, maybe she's scared to send it coz her ExH can be a nasty barsteward to her. I'd probably feel the same.... it's absolutely right for the child to put her feelings on paper and send them to her Dad, but OP might be scared of the repercussions on her personally, rather than the child.

N1 · 29/03/2009 18:29

So here is a question then.... does the father know that the child is upset. Keep in mind that he is an absent parent and has (presumably) no involvement in the day to day care or the child.

If the father can't see an upset child, will he believe that the child is upset?

If the father has no trust in the mother or her ability to be correct about the child, would his views change?

Toothache · 29/03/2009 18:31

N1 - Maybe..... who cares really. As long as the wee girl feels like she's said her piece and it's helped her.

Janos · 29/03/2009 18:34

FFS. Well he will know she's upset if he gets the letter, won't he?

I may be wildly off the mark here but something tells me this man doesn't actually give a toss how his daughter feels.

N1 · 29/03/2009 18:42

and if the "wee child" sends the letter and the father goes ballistic - will the child want to keep writing anything? Who will care then? More importantly, - how many of the caring people will be in a position to do something effective and helpful?

Janos · 29/03/2009 18:47

I think the OP will do all the caring, as she clearly has done for quite some time.

Toothache · 29/03/2009 18:49

Keep writing what? She's done her letter.
You've lost me.

Well maybe accordin to you, OP needs to protect this prick of a father from perhaps realising the impact he's having on his dd and feel remorseful....or angry....or feel nothing.

Afterall.... looking at your posts... it's all about him.

"how many of the caring people will be in a position to do something effective and helpful?"

I get the impression you are a tad bitter?

lou33 · 29/03/2009 19:09

if the father goes ballisitic because his almost 7 yr old dughter is telling her how she is hurt by his actions hten he hs no business calling himself a father, and is oblivious tot he pain he has caused her

he should be instead, finding ways to put right the wrongs this child perceives him as doing not kicking off because a child has been able to get her point across

pirate has tried loads to keep him involved iirc

i think you are just trying to ignite this thread

pirate i do hope your dd feels better by writing the letter

lou33 · 29/03/2009 19:10

excuse typos

N1 · 29/03/2009 19:15

Keep writing letters, they would form part of an outlet for the child. When the counselor returns from the illness, the letters can be used to update the counselor.

While the OP isn't letting the absent parent know that he is upsetting the child (and we don't know if the absent parent knows what he is doing - if it is the absent parents fault alone). The OP is buying time so the child can think of the reactions in good time and after emotions have settled.

N1 · 29/03/2009 19:18

I am trying to present another side of the possible argument.

for an absent parent to know to look for ways to "put right the wrongs" they need to realize that they are doing wrong. If the father isn't as child focused (assuming that the mother is as close to good or ideal as expected) then hearing that he is a "bad" parent from a child is not likely to have any helpful effect.

Toothache · 29/03/2009 19:22

N1 - Counsellor on holiday, what Counsellor? Have I missed something in the OP?

I have to say it, you're just talking mince now. lol.... it's not about the father...its about the wee girl.

I think you're referring perhaps to your own experiences rather than the actual thread.

Katrina7 · 29/03/2009 19:37

So the absent parent doesnt know that he is doing wrong???????

Really ?????????

N1 · 29/03/2009 19:43

You had me worried. I thought I was getting posts mixed up.....

By piratecat on Sun 29-Mar-09 09:57:10
hi, sorry wasn't on last night to read your replies, just flaked out!

dd is coming up for 7. I will see what she says today. I did say that dad might be surprised or cross even to get it, but she said she doesn't care anymore. She said she felt better for having written it ,so maybe that's all it will be, a letter unsent.

She is due to see the counsellor at the end of the week. She hasn't seen her for months now, as i went the last time, and the counsellor was off ill for some t ime. Yet when i asked her if she would like to go and see her, she was emotional and very relieved, saying 'oh yes mummy' . I guess the letter has been a n outlet, the gradual build up let loose, iyswim.

piratecat · 29/03/2009 19:50

blimey

i am a bit

if you don't know my situation, then fair enough but i do think you are making alot of assumptions, based on either your personal exp or a book.

As Lou said I have tried every thing to keep my dd's and her dad's relationship going. i have been the epitome of a (mug) willing, helpful, ex, trying to do the very best. This has been going on for 4 yrs now.

The ex has had phone calls form dd, and phon messages where she has tried to express her hurt, all to no avail.

The wetting herself started again last week, this was the reason we went to a counsellor in the first place last year, as she just couldnt 'contain' her hurt and it surfaced as a regressional thing, and i just knew she was hurting again. I mean real pain. Her dad promised her he would buck his ideas up and 3months on it's worse.

I am worried about how he will take it, thats why I said I am scared, becuase a have become scared of him. I am not scared that he will do anything to me, or her, just scared of how dd wil feel if he doesn't respond accordingly.

N1 · 29/03/2009 19:57

Is your situation in any court or has it been?

piratecat · 29/03/2009 19:58

no it isn't in court. that would involve him wanting access or me trying to make him have access.

Janos · 29/03/2009 19:58

piratecat don't get wound up by N1. He is trying to hijack the thread for reasons known only to him.

It is obvious from the thread that you are loving mum who just wants the best for your DD.

N1, you clearly have issues you feel strongly about re: contact. If you want to discuss them why not start your own thread instead of hijacking others.

piratecat · 29/03/2009 20:01

hi janos. i am totally rubbish at retaining all the posts in my head here, but thank to all of you who understand 'where' I am coming from.

If only parenting were natural to some ex's, so natural and usch a true love relationship, that this shite would not crop up at all.

Janos · 29/03/2009 20:03

Sadly very true piratecat.

piratecat · 29/03/2009 20:09

here is the mad bad letter, written all by herself.

To Dad,

Why do you have to make it so hard for me? I'm so upset I think you are a selfish dad. Becuase you don't spend enough time with me. I think you arem ore selfish than ever now becuase you haven't phoned me for 3 weeks. I am your daughter you just ignore my life. Aswell as i am upset I am very very cross to. I feel like the only kid in the world that has a selfish and ignoring dad. I feel like I am flooding the whole world with my tears all becuase of you. I have tried so very hard to forget about your troubles.i could shout this to you '' dad you are so selfish''

from ....

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