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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

How much should i let my ex see the kids??

14 replies

sallyh2000 · 28/03/2009 16:27

I have split with the kids dad and i just want to know how much to let him see the kids?
The split is amicable, he has gone back to his mothers.

He works five days a week, he doesn't pay towards their upbringing regularly, it very hit and miss.it does depend on when he gets paid,and then he doesnt give any extra.

I wanted him to have the kids to stay every weekend, to give me a break, but he says it's too much! AIBU? He does come round once a week to have tea with them and put them to bed.

what do others do??
what is the norm??

OP posts:

nappyaddict · 28/03/2009 18:07

What time does he finish work on Friday. Is it practical for him to pick them up after work Friday evening and drop them off Sunday evening or Monday morning (either at home or school) before he goes to work.

I think that is entirely fair. If it were me if he them Fri, Sat and Sun night then I would probably cut out putting them to bed in the week if he wants to. If he only has them 1 or 2 nights at the weekend then I would keep it.

Original poster

sallyh2000 · 28/03/2009 20:19

To make it easier for him, i drop them off to him and give them their tea before they go. To give him time to get home and have his own tea before the kids arrive,he only then has to put them to bed.

OP posts:

marie1979 · 28/03/2009 21:43

my ex hasnt paid anything for my son for 12 yrs and sees him once a week for bout 4 hours if he is well enough like gt a cold etc... which is very often another words ive got football match to go too or ive got a hangover and cant b arsed thinks i was born yesterday what would happen if i couldnt look after my kids if i was ill bullshit anyway ill get back to my point my friends lets her ex have her kid for weeks on end i think its personal perference how old are your children?? would they b able to have any input on how much they want to see their dad

Haribosmummy · 28/03/2009 21:51

How old are the kids?

I think EOW is more normal or one day per weekend.

Once the kids are in full time school, it's likely YOU will want some weekends too.

I would also consider getting some sort of formal court order if at all possible. He should be paying something towards the kids.

Tortoise · 28/03/2009 22:00

My DS's sleep at their Dads on a tuesday night (drops off at school next morn) and friday night. Home 5pm Saturday.
Because they are at school all week i didn't want them away all weekend or i wouldn't spend much time with them.

DD's see their Dad about once a month but that is because it is supervised by a social worker!

ChasingSquirrels · 28/03/2009 22:03

similar to Tortoise, Tue night and a weekend night - though we alternate the weekend night.

Original poster

sallyh2000 · 29/03/2009 19:54

My youngest is two in a fortnight and my lad is four.
His mums is about 5 miles away, so not that far. He doesn't contribute because he does not get paid regularly, he is self employed. When he does it is only for that week, never for any he missed. He does not buy, the kids , shoes, school uniform, birthday/chrissie pressies etc, i cover everything and i let the kids think that the pressies are from both of us.

I do not work, as my youngest has special needs and although not severe, she still has a lot of input from other specialists and frequent hosp appts.
My eldest is 4 and he goes to nursery for 2.5 hrs every morn, so no , i don't miss out on much because they are always with me.

OP posts:

lostdad · 29/03/2009 20:24

The question should be `How much should I let our kids see their dad'?

`How much should i let my ex see the kids??' because at the end of the day, they have a right to a father.

As adults we have choices. Children don't.

Original poster

sallyh2000 · 30/03/2009 19:46

It was never meant as him not seeing them, i always promised him, that i would never stop him seeing the kids and i won't. I wanted to know about frequency, times,places,etc etc.... other peoples arrangements, I just wanted to work out what was fair and reasaonable for ALL of us!

OP posts:

bettyboo26 · 30/03/2009 20:12

My EXH has DS every Saturday 10-6. Has never asked to have him overnight or in the week which is fine with me. (His loss!)
He pays half the mortgage on the house that I live in with DS and he jointly owns. (He refuses to sell it!)
I'm very lucky to have a very supportive family who will babysit etc to allow me to have a break.
Pisses me right off that some men can just walk away without feeling any financial responsibility towards their child/ren.
I think it is very good of you to say presents etc are from both of you but just make sure you're not making it to easy for him to cop-out!

MeMySonAndI · 31/03/2009 20:17

Exh Picks up DS from school on Friday, have him over the weekend, and return him to school on Monday, in alternate weekends.

He also picks up DS from school every Wednesday and has him overnight.

He is complaining he is doing too much, perhaps because a year of very active social life, he thinks that having him for 30% is not allowing him to "live his life" as he is now used to his new singledom.

Sometimes, I have second thoughts about insisting in having DS with me more time (I worried about DS's complex diet and the frequent trips of the ex). I wonder if I had accepted exH had DS 50% of the time as he initially wanted would have kept him in the parenthood loop. Someway DS has become "optional" IYWIM rather than the "responsibility" he was before.

lostdad · 01/04/2009 11:51

`that i would never stop him seeing the kids'

Sally - I've got no doubt whatsoever you're right, you're being honest and you're nothing but a good parent

but

How would you feel if your ex told you he would never stop you seeing the kids?

Forget what other people do. Forget what is reasonable (`reasonable' from whose point of view? Yours? His? Your solicitor's? A judge?). Talk to your ex and come up with a plan between you to do whatever suits your kids best.

The fact you've split up should mean nothing when it comes to the parenting your dc have a right to. There is no reason why you can't co-parent with him while your dc grow up seeing their mum and dad working together to do their best for them and seeing they are loved by both.

You live with the consequences of your decision and so do your children - not the people who give you advice. I would recommend you and your ex join FNF - Families Need Fathers (google it) - as well as many other things, they can give a lot of pointers on how co-parenting works and which pitfalls to avoid. It is too easy to get onto the slippery slope of deciding who is `in charge'.

Good luck Sally - there is no reason why you, your dc and ex can't have a future very similar to the one you always hoped for.

Niceguy2 · 01/04/2009 17:04

Lostdad is right. It doesn't matter what the norm is. As long as you are both happy (as you can be) with the arrangement then it doesn't matter if the rest of the world is different.

Make your decision jointly, accept it will mean compromise on both sides and rarely do both parents get what they want....hence the word compromise.

Good luck

singledadofthree · 01/04/2009 20:21

if you understood kids when parents split up you'd never ask this question.

if youre both loving caring parents - and often even if youre not - your kids want to see you both all the time. they dont want you to split up in the first place.

i do wonder how people can think once or twice a week is enough.

my kids do well if their mum wants to see them once or twice a month - and theyre not impressed.

but guess what - 15 years later they still want to go see her when she has time.

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