Do your children have contact with their dad?

[Katrina7]

Or do they receive presents, cards etc? Or does he phone them?

[solidgoldbrass]

Oh I am fully aware that we (all 3 of us, me, DS and his dad) are lucky to be in the situation we are in. However, it wasn't quite like that at the beginning (looks over shoulder, decides that DS dad doesn't often go on MN and has stopped for the moment). Me getting PG was a total accident, and though at first DS dad was quite enthusiastic, he changed his mind and even suggested I have a termination. At which point I told him to piss off. I had supportive friends and family and (at the time) a job with flexible hours. Then about a month before DS was born his dad got back in touch, apologised, said he wanted to be a Proper Father - he even offered to be at the birth, but I was having none of that. I was actually very jumpy and almost scared of him at that point - not that he is or has ever been or ever would be violent - more due to the fact that Fathers 4 Justice were all over the papers at the time and I was all volatile with PG hormones and scared he would sue for custody and stuff. Once DS was born, I took him to meet his dad, and over about the next 8 or 9 months we sort of tentatively reeastablished a friendship - and now things are really good.
So I can't guarantee, obviously, that it will turn out well for you Katrina, but there is always the possibility.

[MANATEEequineOHARA]

Reality It actually would not surprise me to find out our ex's are the same person knowing what he is like!

Nice idea re-CSA, but he does only ever do cash in hand jobs AND this is the worst of it (and I have told benefits fraud about this)but he has an identical twin brother who is in prison for murder, so if he ever works a job where he pays tax etc, then he does it under is brother's name and NI number to avoid paying me, AND to make it very hard for benefits fraud to get anything on him. However I live in hope that one day they will, and when they do, with any luck he will be in serious trouble. (Huge party at my place if tht day ever happens!)

[me23]

dds dad doesn't see her he was never interested at all, he ran when I got pregnant, Found out he was moving in very dodgy circles crime weapons etc.. last time he saw dd was when she was 4 months (shes nearly 4 now) He threatened to shoot me and my new partner so obv Haven't seen him since then.
He is a horrible man, I don't want him anywhere near us.

[oldraver]

My sons father does not have any contact with DS at all. his decision as I have treid to encourage contact for DS's benefit. At the moment it doesnt seem to bother him as he is not aware as he is 3, but in time I'm sure he will ask questions. I will have to deal with that when the time comes

DS's father has recently got back in touch with me but still wont acknowledge DS

[MollieO]

No, saw him once when ds was 10 days old (to register the birth). He took one look at him (ds in special care and very poorly) and said he hoped he would die. Ds is nearly 5 now and thriving. He is a complete joy and his feckless father doesn't know what he is missing. His loss.

I used to think that it was sad but honestly ds is a lovely boy and I know that I've been totally responsible for that and that makes me proud (both of him and myself). I deal with the periodic 'where's my dad' questions but other than that I manage - and that is from someone who never ever ever in a million years ever thought that she would have a child or be a single parent.

[solidgoldbrass]

Yuk, that's awful MollieO.
(BTW Reality have you found out if your horrid X has been decent enough to die yet?)

[hotCheeseBURNS]

Katrina, you asked earlier how you cope when your child reminds you of their father. Well I think it's easier for me because I didn't/don't love him or hate him. It is strange when I see his face in ds's but it never makes me feel bad because my ds's face is beautiful and I love everything about it, including the bits that come from his father.

Solidgoldbrass, I completely agree that children should be told the truth about their parentage and I would never tell ds that dp is his "real" dad. I am not looking forward to crossing that bridge and I don't know what I will say, but that's another thread for another day.

As for the CSA, they wrote to me to tell me that ex-p would have to pay us £0 a week! They're useless.

As someone said earlier, you will not feel this pain forever. You will meet someone else. You will be thankful that you don't have to comfort your child after their father lets them down once again.

[MANATEEequineOHARA]

Oh Reality I did read that thread, about the fb posts, but I did not match you up with this thread! Oh I can see why you could say thst sounds like my ex, he would happily pretend to be dead, only he doesn't know how to use a computer...

I hope that works out the best way for you, if it were me I would definitely prefer him dead than continue getting my pathetic child maintainence payments.

[monkeypinkmonkey]

my ex never seen my DS ever! raaah tosser. but now i'd have it no other way x

[Katrina7]

Thank you all so much. It makes me feel less lonely and bizzare when i know that there are many in this situations. And your messages are so kind and lovely.

Mollie i had to read your post two times because i could not believe he said this about his baby. I am glad your boy is well and yes you must be very very proud.

Reality i dont even know what to say to you. Very awful situation you are, Cant you phone any of his friends or brother or sister to find out if he is dead? Your children deserve to know.

Hotcheese and all the others who wished me to find a good man. Thank you. But i really cant. I cannot trust anyone now because this was the person i loved and trusted more than anyone else and he did this to me. I loved him more than my family and i could give my eyes for him . and he repaid me with this. So now i dont want to love again and i dont want to trust again. Only my baby.

[MuppetsMuggle]

Kat7 how you doing today??

Today is my DD 4th Birthday, and she was quite happy with the things DP & I brought her!

[lostdad]

I have contact with my ds.

My xw left without any warning whatsoever, accused me and my family of DV and physically abusing our ds, moved him 300 miles away and refused to tell me where he was living (and gets her mum to drive that distance every time he is permitted to spend time with me to do the handover because she is too `scared' of me), accuses me of incompetence via notes and emails as well as refusing mediation, forcing me to go to court - 8 times so far.

Apart from that, she goes all out to ensure our ds has a father.

[Katrina7]

Aaa Muppets,

a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to your dautgher!!

Thank you for asking, i am ok. i am trying to think of the baby.
I am glad your dauther is happy with you and your new partner and she liked her presents.

lostdad
Are you a man then who 'lost' his son?

To be honest if i heard your story last year i would have so much sympathy for you.
But now i cannot help it, my personal situation affects me about anything i hear from men. Thats because when i met my ex he was divorced and he told me a similar story to yours and how upset he is about his son. But now he s got another baby on the way (by me) he says he doesnt care. So i dont know what to think. I think for some men is just an 'Ego' thing, they want to have the rights for paternity but when they have them they dont want them.
I m sorry if your case is different. As i said im so confused with my case to believe anything that comes from men.
If you REALLY didnt be violent to your ex-wife then i wish you all the best

[Katrina7]

I ve just read my post and i have many mistakes.
Sorry but English is second language for me

[Claire2009]

Errr....not exactly..

This last year (Split Feb'08) he's seen them 6-7 times & had them for the weekend twice.
After a certain occassion where he neglected them I told him if he wanted to keep contact up he had to seek it another way (ie, courts and not through me).

He never bothered so I did it myself a couple of weeks ago and its now been propsed he has 2hrs supervised access a fortnight. (Dv r/s when with him)

Will see if he keeps it up when we get the dates...

DS is 23mths and has no clue he has a "Dad"

DD doesnt bother asking anymore & refusing to speak with him on the phone - her choice entirely and I am open/not pushy.

[lostdad]

Katrina7 - it seems a normal reaction not to trust the other sex when you've gone through this sort of thing for a while.

I went through a phase of believing all women do what my ex did.

The point is there are good parents and there are bad parents and it has no link to whether they are mothers or fathers. And what's more - no one is perfect (me included!

At the end of the day it shouldn't be the boys' against girls' thing - it should should be the good parents against the bad. Any parent who doesn't have their dc's best interests at heart is a bad parent.

[Katrina7]

I agree Lostdad

If you read my previous post i phoned him to tell him that doctors said the baby has a risk of Mediterean Anaimia (Thalassaimia) which is very serious. and he said 'I DONT CARE' ! And this is the same man who was crying about his other son and i believed him that he loves his son!
So thats why i cant make sense.

(i had the test myself and is ok btw)

But you are right it shouldnt be boys against girls.

[Katrina7]

MrsJammi

thank you. maybe you are right. Even his mum said this. She said men dont feel much about the pregnancy, they only start to feel love for the baby after is born. She said when she was pregnant with her children she was feeling them inside her and felt love but her hasband wasnt interested in the pregnancy.only after they were born.

But still....is fucking bizzare the way he behaved when i told him i am pregnant

[lostdad]

Once again...some men. Generalisations aren't good you know! My ds was real from the moment he was conceived.

I was the one who ended up buying and ensuring my ex took multivitamin tablets whilst pregnant because she couldn't/wouldn't eat much (or buy the damn tablets!) against the advice of her mother who had told her the baby would get whatever he needed from her body.

Of course, this was used to demonstrate my `bullying nature' during the divorce.

Look, 'm not trying to prove myself a saint here. Just trying to point out that a vast majority of men are good parents. If we (and I mean both mothers and fathers) hadn't ended up with nutters, there would be far less people posting here, would there?

[iSOLOvechocolate]

My Ds doesn't have any contact with his father and he doesn't want to. I always tell him the truth with aything he(Ds)asks me and it is his decision and one which I'm glad about. I have to say that I do wish that dd's father would be good enough to get lost too for many reasons that I don't have time to write her now as Ds is at the front door!

[iSOLOvechocolate]

here not her.