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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Do your children have contact with their dad?

83 replies

Katrina7 · 27/03/2009 22:37

Or do they receive presents, cards etc? Or does he phone them?

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hotCheeseBURNS · 28/03/2009 08:53

He texted me to tell me he hated me the day ds was born, I guess he felt I had taken something from him in having his baby without him "agreeing to it". It was very upsetting at the time of course but I don't think of him any more. I have a new partner who is a real dad to my son and we are all better off without the immature, selfish wanker! It doesn't have to be the end of the world katrina.

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solidgoldbrass · 28/03/2009 09:34

HCB: yours sounds thoroughly unappealing, however, as your ds grows up it's as well to have a diplomatic version of the truth to tell him. Some people erase such bio-fathers from the family history and allow the DC to believe that the mother's new partner is Daddy. Please believe me that this is a really, really bad idea. It's not about contact, or even about 'knowing where you come from' - it;s about not actually keeping a secret from a child all his/her life ie lying to that child all his/her life. Pretty much nothing does more damage to people than discovering, in their teens or even later, that they have a different bio-parent than the ones they call Mum and Dad and that everyone else knew and didn't tell them.

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ridingjoker · 28/03/2009 09:42

exp takes dc 3yo,20mnth. sat 7pm i drop them off washed,fed and ready for bed. i have to collect them before lunch on sunday.

if i have anything i need to do any other days and stuck for a sitter he can usually "baby sit"

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MuppetsMuggle · 28/03/2009 09:50

My DD biological father, has never seen her (his decision) pretty much same as hot cheese. He said he hated me for ruining his life at 25, you can imagine the rest of the conversation.

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 10:32

Solid
thanks you for your last message last night. i m sorry i went to bed because i was so tired. I guess you are right but it is still so hard,

Hotcheese,

i cant believe he sent you that text on the day you gave birth!!!!How immature this 'man'!!! I am so glad you have a good man now and you must be very strong woman to overcome this.
The same goes to MuppetsMuggle. Your man is 25 not 15 fgs. Mind you mine is 38 and behaved like 15 when i told him i am pregnant.

I know everybody says forget him for now and when he changes his mind after the baby is born then let him have contact. Thing is even if these men come back and want contact it will never be the same, we ll always have this feeling that reproduced with immature 'men' how can we trust them to take care of a baby? And i think it will always hurt for rest of my life that he has rejected his baby even if he tries to make up later (altough i doubt he will)

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MuppetsMuggle · 28/03/2009 10:39

Katrina I'll never allow DD real father back into her life. Thing that makes me laugh is that he is seeing someone younger than me, I think shes the same age I was when DD born, and she doesn't know hes a daddy! When she was born, I called to let him know I was a father and he acted the concerned one - only because he was at work, but still never changed his mind, I knew he wouldn't the immature wanker!

The one thing that he said that hurt me more than anything was No man will want to take on a single mum, I've found a lovely man who thinks of DD as his own, and i'm happy.
You'll be fine. xx

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/03/2009 10:48

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 10:49

I am so glad you did Muppets!

I dont blame you for not wanting him to have contact.he sounds very immature. And his new girlfriend doesnt know he has a child? Fucking hell!

What hurt me about mine is that i called him when the doctor asked me about the medical family history. I think is fair that we know this things. He knows i have some health problems and it is very difficult already. And because of our ethnic background the doctor said we should test for Thalasaimia but if he did the test then i dont need to. So i called him to ask, i was very polite, and he said 'I dont care what happens, i dont care at all' !!!
Thats why i am not sure i want him near the baby.

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 10:51

Oh Reality,
thats shit.

You all really are amazing strong women. I really admire you for coping.

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MuppetsMuggle · 28/03/2009 10:58

Reality thats shocking!

Katrina7, TBH I wouldn't let him near my baby, if hes acting this way now. I wouldn't want his immaturity affecting my babys life (sounds harsh i know).

He sounds so much like my DD father, didn't care about my or his babys wellbeing. so he is better off out of your life, you'll live a much happier one.

DD father, hasn't told his mother or sister he's a daddy (my DD is now 4) as he said his mother would be ashamed of him for having a baby out of wedlock and i'd ruined his image of a perfect life!
I can tell you i've got a better life than he has, I have my beautiful DD

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 11:05

You know Muppets

deep down i feel sorry for these 'men'.

When they are older they ll regret it. There is nothing worst than being an old man and regret your life and one day a young boy or girl comes and knoks your door and tells you what bastard you have been and then leaves and doesnt want to see you again.

If they feel ashamed about the baby they will feel more ashamed then. And their families too. His mum told me something nasty, i didnt say anything bad to her but one day her grandchild will tell her.

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 11:06

At least we will have hard time now but one day our children will say 'thank you mum'. But what they will say to their 'dad'?

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MANATEEequineOHARA · 28/03/2009 11:21

My ex never sees my children. Last time he saw them was June last year, place and time were always rearranged at the last moment, he slagged off me and my friends (one in particular) to my kids, and quizzed them about my new man, that was a figment of his imagination.

I have told him he can see them in a contact centre, but he is a control freak so he wouldn't do that.

He has told me he has presents for their birthdays and christmas but has refused to send them, and has just tried to use it as a bribe to see them.

The kids rarely talk about him, and show no signs whatsoever of missing him.

I get child maintainence at a pathetic £5 per week for 2 children, because the skank claims benefits, whilst working in random building jobs >(

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/03/2009 11:51

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 12:01

MoH

You can take more money. They told me in the Advice Office that you can take 15% of his wages. And i told them mine is not in UK he is in another country and they said they do it. You dont have to do anything, only give them his name and they ll do the rest.
They ll take 15% of his wages every month, and if he says the child is not his, then they force him to have DNA test even if he doesnt want.
They also told me if he buys house or shop or anything my child will have some of that. They cannot get away wherever they are.

Personally i dont want to ask him money and i dont give them his name. I prefer to die or eat plain bread than ask him for money.
But if you need money and you dont have much then ask the office to do it.

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 28/03/2009 12:07

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 12:15

No you dont worry me because i dont want to do it. But i know someone who did that and she got the money.

But yours works cash in hand then it is nothing they can to. But he will not work cash in hand all his life, will he? When he gets a proper job and pays tax the office will get him wherever he is.

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 12:16

Also if he buys anything, any house under his name anywhere in Europe then you can get him

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TheJester · 28/03/2009 12:22

Once every 3 monthsnow. He has decided that it's "very hard" for him.

My dc1 aged nearly 7 sent him a letter saying 'when are you coming Daddy?' and a lovely picture and he didn't reply. He still blames me and hates me for taking his children away though (leaving him) and feels hard done by.

arse. what can you do?

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TheJester · 28/03/2009 12:26

Solid, you are so lucky. I would love to be in your shoes. Co-parenting without any blame,bitterness or resentment.

Katrina, things that seem incredibly upsetting when the realities hit you for the first time,don't continue to upset you forever. Honestly.

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 12:27

oh TheJester

this is what i dont get. How can any man get this letter from his child and NOT reply?????

And the funny thing is that we loved these men once, we ve slept with them, we kissed them etc Aaaarghhh!

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TheJester · 28/03/2009 12:34

God knows. My x believes that he loves the children. But it isn't a selfless love. It's a feeling. If it makes him feel good to be around his children he wants more of that feeling. If it makes him depressed or sad, or thwarted (me not returning to him, taking the children to him, whatever really) then he takes a step back.

If the children were with him heaven help me, I would endure the awkwardness and the unpleasantness and the expense of visits to see them and have an ongoing relationship with them.

He has all these 'reasons' why he doesn't come. Too expensive, too time consuming, he's busy at work, he's tired etc....

I would put nothing before my relationship with my children!! But yet, he still doesn't grasp that the children aren't pay as you go, or pay per view. They don't exist for his entertainment or his sake in any way. They are human beings who need everything and I'm making every sacrafice I can and he's making none. But he doesn't see it that way.

He thinks it's too hard for him. This what he's said to me. You can't penetrate his forcefield of fuckwittery!

But, I'm happier, I've moved on a lot int he last few years. I don't want to depress you. He is nothing to me now. What he thinks, does, says, it affects me less and less and my children have great uncles (on my side and a good granddad (my dad). They have a (mere) face to the name Daddy and for now anyway that seems to be enough.

In time they'll look back on it all and wonder why Daddy didn't prioritise them over his disposable income and hobbies and cars and so on.

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MuppetsMuggle · 28/03/2009 12:38

Katrina I totally agree with Jester, things do get better, esp if you have the support of your family.

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Katrina7 · 28/03/2009 12:38

I agree with your last line, i am thinking the same.

I am going out now to meet a friend who has some baby clothes and baby stuff to give me for free and i am so happy.

But you all keep posting. i will read in the evening.

And keep strong
K x

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FairyLightsForever · 28/03/2009 12:52

Katrina, I have two children my DS is 12 and has had no contact with his dad.
It is hard because I had to explain that I didn't know where his Daddy was, and that Daddy and Mummy made each other sad and would have made him sad too because we fought all the time. It gets easier as time goes on because they understand more.
It's easier in someways though because there is no asking Father's permission to do things, or having to deal with not having Christmas with your child because 'it's not your turn'.
My DD is 2, she sees her Daddy every weekend and he and I are friends- kind of a similar situation to SGB- but I have to accept that he will be taking her away for nights and wanting to take her to his parents for christmas etc.
You will be ok, in a way my relationship with my DS is fab because we didn't have to share each other with anyone else- it makes for a very close relationship.