Let down....again!

[Upsydaisy1]

I have posted on here before. But to recap, husband left after 17 year relationship leaving me with 2 small dcs. I have picked myself up and carried on, as we all do. I decided to try internet dating and have had a couple of dates which have amounted to nothing, but that's fine.

I recently met someone on line and after three weeks of seeing him he bared his soul to me, said he had fallen for me and that his feelings were strong. I agree that we both connected in a way that reminds me of when I met my exhusband. Things appeared to be on the up. He did all the chasing and I responded, although I was cautious I started to let me guard down and let him in.

Fortunately I hadn't slept with him as he and I both agreed that it would be better to wait and our relationship should develop over time. Everything he said to me about how he felt, where he thought our relationship would lead and how excited he was about our future appeared to be very sincere. I was even going to meet his family in March at a function and prior to that had planned to call in on him mum one day when we were together. I have at no time made any demands on him and have been quite happy for him to lead the way.

Well yesterday I got a text from him, and he said he is going to call me tonight to talk about it. The text basically said that he now felt that he wasn't ready for a relationship and all that it would mean, but that he really wanted to remain friends. Well to say I was shocked after everything that he had said was an understatement and I don't really know what to make of it all.

I wonder if he has got cold feet and retreated into his cave. I am numb and felt very let down. Not sure what to say to him and felt that I had to get it all off my chest on here before he calls me.

Hi Mutha Sorry that things haven't worked out as you had hoped. Far worse for you than me as you had been seeing him for 18 months. I had only been seeing this man for 6 weeks before he got scared. I imagine you must be feeling very let down and yes you are right, you have to wonder whether all the wonderful things they say to you are ever really meant in the first place. To put your key through your door with no note is a very insensitive things to do imo.

The guy I was seeing, and maybe still am - but who knows, should have kept his feelings about me to himself until he was absolutely certain that he could commit himself to a relationship or at least until he was sure of his feelings.

I will go out for a drink with him when he calls and see how things go. I am happy to go with the flow, but because of what's happened it has taken the shine off of it all iykwim.

MH hi!
keep strong and big MN hugs from me!xx
Upsydaisy
think that you're going about this in the right way tho it must be hard for you
yes agree that he should have kept his thoughts to himself and spared you the horrible uncertainty that this is causing you
Myself?well nothing to update with as yet am waiting to hear,terribly hard tho,he was away last weekend so i guess that i'll have to sit tight

thanks upsy and asbm....yeah it is hard but it has also made me think about what I want and am quite strong.

fingers crossed for you both - the waiting is always the hardest part x

Upsy I have just read this and I'm sorry to say this, but the first thing that strikes me is that he is blaming the last woman he dated for his problems...all of themmm

As in he lost his business, had a breakdown...and all because she didn't like him telling her kids off if they were rude to him??

Sorry but this is just not ringing very true.
It might be totally legit, of course it might. But it's classic of an abusive man to blame his ex for everything and take no responsibility for any of it himself.

there is also the possiblity that he is setting you up to be responsible for him...ie tells you all this, you feel sorry for him, think he is blameless, and then when he starts whatever his usual game is (whatever that might be) he will blame YOU for it all.

I would be asking him what HE did wrong in that relationship, and if he says nothing, run a mile.

Hopefully he's just nice but misunderstood, though...

erm...and what does he class as children being 'rude', and how did he tackle this 'rudeness', and did he seriosuly expect her to bow down to him as new leader of the house...I ask these things as he sounds almost exactly like my ex, who immediately wanted us to do what he said in every respect and got very angry when I wanted to maintain a modicum of a say in how to treat my own children (he suggested feeding them porridge all day as a punishment, beating them, etc etc)

I mean, some men want you to put them ahead of your children - which most of us will not be willing to do - so he might be testing you to see if you 'accept' his philosophy and will let him dictate everything, put him first always, etc etc...do you see what I am getting at?

I'd be very wary. Honestly.

An interesting perspective FA27, not one that I had considered, but most definitely something I will take on board and in a round about way tackle him about it.

I have not had a relationship with an abusive or controling man before but I can certainly see where you are coming from.

Thanks for that - you may have just saved me from another bad relationship! I will be very wary.

Look I might be well off course...have had one bad bloke too many myself!

Just something to keep in mind. It seems to be this type often who goes for us single mums. Something about our being vulnerable and them being able to extract a higher level of servitude because of that...in their subconscious projections that is...!

Hope he is genuinely Ok and it all works out. xx

Well it's been a week with no contact at all for me.

Was doing okay until I went through my mobile and looked at all the nice, loving lies texts he had sent me over the last six months or so, saying how I was his soulmate, that he loved me so much and would never change his mind about me, he was mine as long as I wanted him .

So I ended up having a good cry (kids at their dads). Can't believe he would lie so much for so long - and I believed him. Never thought he would hurt me like this.

Sorry, just good for me to write these things down - does help!

Upsy - know you aren't quite as far into a relationship with him yet but think flight is right in mentioning you need to be wary.

aww. mutha its helpful to write it down here and you will always have us lot to keep you going
am amazed by your strength tbh
but i guess we just have to really as we have our dcs.
big MN hugs as always xx

thanks asbm, your support does mean a lot.

have had a good day today - life is too short to dwell on things and now have something to look forward to - booked a holiday for me and the dc, my first as a lone parent and the dc first ever....am a tad excited and decided not the tell the dc yet and surprise them with it later on

plus i have organised a night out next week to celebrate my decree absolute!

yay!
that is some good news!
when did you get your decree absolute?
i think you need a good nite out anyway lol

thanks - absolute due monday so off out with a good group of friends to celebrate friday. despite what's happened lately with nm, i am still happier now than i was for a very long time whilst married

well thats brilliant news!
i didnt even know the date for mine just got the cert.in the post
and a Friday nite out with the girls is sounding good to me
ENJOY!

mh -sorry you have been so let down. It's awful.

upsy, i hope you find out what he wants soon, but also that you keep strong, and kep your confidence.

men are so f ing difficult, and we put so much on the line for them, being ex's with kids.

thanks asbm - will have a drink for you! am the petitioner in my divorce so I think it's me that applies for the absolute and he will receive a copy in the post.

thanks too piratecat. you are right, they are effing difficult!! i do think men have a slightly higher 'selfish' setting and don't realise what we have to do with regards to exes/dcs etc.

Mutha large chard thanks!
i was the petitioner too
got the date for my nisi but never the absolute for some unknown reason!
oh well water under the bridge

Just another thought for both of you
there's a really good website called 'baggage reclaim'
its well worth looking thru
it has helped me put alot into perspective before esp.horrible exbf

thanks seriously will check that out.

know this is going to sound awful but i have just had to come on here and step away from my mobile, was sooooo tempted to text him to ask if he wanted to come round for a sh@g . would quite happily get him over here, get what i want out of him and then turf him out....but know it's not the right thing and will leave me feeling crappier.

oh well!

Mutha don't
you'll feel worse if you do as it won't be just a shag you had both gone beyond that stage
can you ring a friend for a natter?
or keep posting on here?
Would you seriously have him back?
Do have a rummage thru that site tho will help i think

thanks asbm, decided to go for a nice bath and an early night.

tbh, i don't know if i would have him back. i guess there is a part of me that would and still loves him, but at the moment there is a larger part that doesn't like him in the slightest because of what he's done. would be easier if i could just switch my feelings for him off (like he seems to have done) but can't...

only had a quick look at that site, will def have a more in depth read - sounds a lot like him.

Just thinking of you Mutha,
Hope you had a good nite out with the girls
and remember your absolut is thru tomorrow too isn't it?
Upsy hope you're getting thru it all too
xx

Mutha, hope your doing ok too. I know only too well how difficult it is to turn your feelings off when your head says one thing and your heart says another.

Well seriously, things have developed, but I am not sure they are for the best to be honest. Yes he did call eventually and we spoke at length. He said that he felt a bit like a rabbit in headlights as he feelings had developed very quickly and we needed to take things very slowly, which is fine by me. I was in no hurry to rush things in the first place. We have since been out to dinner and we had a great evening together. There is such a connection between us and I just can't put my finger on it. I ended up staying the night and well one thing led to another . For two people to be wanting to take things slowly and this happening I do now wonder whether it has complicated things considerably.

We have text each other a couple of times since and he is going to ring me. Is working all over the weekend and is seeing his family this evening. So I guess I'll just have to see how things pan out.

Upsy i guess that you will just have to wait and see for now
but yes sex does complicate things somewhat IME
I do so hope he sorts out his head properly as all this can't be easy on you

thanks asbm and upsy. seems i was at the back of the queue when it came to getting an 'emotions off' button. saw exp's dd on friday (with her mum) and she gave me a big grin and a wave. i went home and had a cry and again last night but feel much better for letting go iyswim.

Am feeling more positive today, remembering the good times we had together and that I have probably changed slightly for the better - stronger and thinking more about what I want for a change.

asbm - sorry, girls night is this friday coming and I have already bought a new dress and some apple sourz shots!! Oh dear!

can apply for my absolute monday so have forms here ready to take over first thing! done divorce by myself and it feels good that i managed to do it! am also really looking forward to my first lone parent holiday and have started buying stuff in preparation already!!

upsy - you are very wise re the taking things slowly and don't be embarassed about the sex bit, everyone has needs and sometimes you give into them, you are only human. It might complicate things a little but it is good that you are both on the same page so to speak re taking things very slowly. It can't be easy as asbm says.

asbm is very wise and you should def check out the website she mentioned