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Original poster

Let down....again!

57 replies

Upsydaisy1 · 20/02/2009 18:09

I have posted on here before. But to recap, husband left after 17 year relationship leaving me with 2 small dcs. I have picked myself up and carried on, as we all do. I decided to try internet dating and have had a couple of dates which have amounted to nothing, but that's fine.

I recently met someone on line and after three weeks of seeing him he bared his soul to me, said he had fallen for me and that his feelings were strong. I agree that we both connected in a way that reminds me of when I met my exhusband. Things appeared to be on the up. He did all the chasing and I responded, although I was cautious I started to let me guard down and let him in.

Fortunately I hadn't slept with him as he and I both agreed that it would be better to wait and our relationship should develop over time. Everything he said to me about how he felt, where he thought our relationship would lead and how excited he was about our future appeared to be very sincere. I was even going to meet his family in March at a function and prior to that had planned to call in on him mum one day when we were together. I have at no time made any demands on him and have been quite happy for him to lead the way.

Well yesterday I got a text from him, and he said he is going to call me tonight to talk about it. The text basically said that he now felt that he wasn't ready for a relationship and all that it would mean, but that he really wanted to remain friends. Well to say I was shocked after everything that he had said was an understatement and I don't really know what to make of it all.

I wonder if he has got cold feet and retreated into his cave. I am numb and felt very let down. Not sure what to say to him and felt that I had to get it all off my chest on here before he calls me.

OP posts:
ridingjoker · 20/02/2009 18:41

arse....not helpful i know...but an arse who doesn't know wha he wants. better off without. unless he has a sudden moment of clarification in the next 24hrs and deicdes he's changed his mind

supervixen · 20/02/2009 20:41

wtf, what a knobhead. i know it hurts but youre better off without a chicken like that. how pathetic, he has really led you on I feel. I hope you tell him that on the phone, i dont know if i could speak to him.

let us know how the chat goes. sorry

Original poster
Upsydaisy1 · 20/02/2009 23:37

Well he rang earlier and I didn't answer the phone as I was with friends and had consumed a bottle of wine. Probably the best time to speak to him as I would have had no problem telling him what a twat he was, however thought that I would be better to get my point across when I was stone cold sober.

Trouble is I really do like him and believe that he is basically a very good man, who has just behaved on this occasion like a total arse.

It is such a shame as he ticked so many boxes and now I am left feeling very hurt and disappointed.

I will let you all know how my conversation goes with him.

OP posts:
supervixen · 21/02/2009 12:10

I hope you tell him how you feel. good luck!

aseriouslyblondemoment · 21/02/2009 17:44

upsydaisy1
i agree that he has acted like a complete arse but i dont from what you have said think that it is possibly deliberate
what is this man's relationship history?

raggedtrouseredphilanthropist · 21/02/2009 17:49

to offer a different perspective, perhaps he really isnt ready for it? do you know his past at all? do you think he might just have cold feet?
I know that I started dating, though didnt lead anyone on like he has done to you, and several times pulled out before anything happened as I wasnt ready for it. Not going as far as he has obviously, but I am sure I come over as all keen, then just put a wall up and back out.

mankymummy · 21/02/2009 17:50

hey, dont judge him just yet. maybe he's afraid of getting hurt and if you've been playing it cool maybe thats exactly what he's worried about.

of course... im a rubbish judge of character and he could be a bigamist with 14 children but... give him the benefit of the doubt until he explains.

he could have just blanked you, it sounds like he really cares if he's bothering to call you to talk about it.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 21/02/2009 17:59

yes totally agree with RJP and MM
a real coward wouldn't have bothered to attempt to explain himself
you would just have got the usual manly silent treatment
now that is truly hurtful
and yes i have had serious cold feet before
and have lived to regret it

mankymummy · 22/02/2009 17:38

wonder if upsydaisy has spoken to him yet [nosy emoticon]

aseriouslyblondemoment · 22/02/2009 18:02

yes im nosey too
come on upsydaisy spill girl!

aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/02/2009 10:22

oh Upsydaisy
im so disappointed to see that you havent updated us here

Original poster
Upsydaisy1 · 23/02/2009 19:39

Hello, did giggle at the last 3 posts, to think that my life is of such interest!!

Anyway girls I can now update you. He called me and we had an hour and a half conversation in which he explained everything some of which I knew but I had no real idea that his failed relationship had such an impact on his life.

He married very young and divorced after many years together. No other person was involved and even today his relationship with his ex wife is amicable. They have teenage children.

Some time later he got involved with someone else who had two children of her own. The were together for four years and lived together with her kids. Their relationship was a difficult one, namely he was expected to look after and provide for her and her children but was brow beaten by her when it came to his place within the home. If her children were rude to him he was not allowed to correct them and he was made to feel worthless in his own home. The relationship was such that it led him to having some kind of breakdown during which time he lost his business and ended up having extensive counselling once the relationship ended.

He had been alone for the last two years, until he met me. Basically his feeling towards me are so strong, yet his fears about entering into a new relationship are so great that he is terrified.

I can to some degree understand what he is going through, as I have a fear that my next relationship will go the same way as my marriage did. I was with my childhood sweetheart for 17 years and so if he can do the unthinkable what is someone else capable of doing? But here is where he and I are different - I am damned if I am going to let the scars from my failed marriage dictate the rest of my life. In other words I am willing to take a chance with the right person.

I am supposed to be going out for a drink with him later this week. I explained that if friends is all he could be for now then I am happy with that. Of course I would like there to be more to it and I've told him more or less how I feel about him.

I still maintain he is one of the most decent people I have met in a very long time. Even his cousin who I met recently told me that he is one of the good guys in life.

I am a bit unsure what my next move should be now?

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/02/2009 20:44

glad you updated as i did wonder how you got on tbh
its a hard one to call this really
are you really happy to see him purely as a friend despite harbouring feelings for him?
and yes i can understand the situation he is in and im quite sure that he doesnt enjoy it as such and doesnt deliberately mean to mislead or cause you pain
i might if it were me allow him some head space time and if its meant to be then he will come back to you

supervixen · 23/02/2009 20:51

Oh what a shame! i can understand him wanting to be single, but not all relationships turn out badly, how will he know if he never tries?

i dont think i could see him as just a friend. its a pity he cant just take things slowly. you like him, he likes you, you should try it, its a waste not to!

Original poster
Upsydaisy1 · 26/02/2009 13:13

Well I just don't think this man knows what he wants, or should I say knows what he wants but can't bring himself to go through with it.

We spoke again Monday night and he followed it with 3 texts which once again showed his depth of feeling and saying that he misses me. I responded to them saying that I missed him too.

I have just decided to step back and let him work it out for himself. He knows where I am if he changes his mind and he knows how I feel. That's all I can do. It is just such a waste of a wonderful opportunity if nothing comes of it.

I am dissapointed and do wish there was something I could do to influence him or change his mind, but I know I can't. Why are people so damn bloody complicated??

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 26/02/2009 13:32

hi again Upsydaisy
just read your post
resist if you can contacting him or elaborating on your feelings
basically im in a similar position to you at the moment
we must somehow remain strong
if you jump on the 'fit and interesting'thread we can console each other if this thread goes quiet

Original poster
Upsydaisy1 · 26/02/2009 13:40

Hi Seriously,

Thanks for your post. I will certainly jump over to the other thread at some point.

I won't contact him now but will leave it to him. It is excrutiating not to though, as I firmly believe we could have a great relationship in time. We just clicked from the word go and we both feel the same way about each other.

What's your situation and how are you dealing with it?

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 26/02/2009 14:06

similar to yours really
we met thru online dating
had a quite intense fling
but both had cold feet
me post exh him post exgf
obviously we never forgot each other
and then he got in touch with me recently
wants to meet up but we havent set a specific date
we are in touch but its early days so its all tentative atm
which is why i'm suggesting to you to sit tight if you can as hopefully he might well come back to you
and yes its horribly unsettling
xx

Original poster
Upsydaisy1 · 26/02/2009 14:38

Oh seriously, why can nothing in life be straightforward and why is everything always an uphill struggle. Good luck with it all - keep us posted! x

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 26/02/2009 18:36

meant to post earlier but got distracted with 'fit and interesting'thread
yes nothing seems straightforward but i am a firm believer in destiny and whats meant to be will be
i will keep you posted when i know more myself!
but do jump onto the other thread

MuthaHubbard · 26/02/2009 22:55

thanks for recommending this thread blonde.

sorry for those going through this, am also going through similar situation upsy and it sucks. my p and i, after being together over 18 months, have just split. after us falling very deeply in love, he has got major cold feet (which i think includes his ex marrying his friend and the responsiblity of taking on a single mum with two kids) and ended things on tues saying he felt he needs time on his own.

it hurts like hell, but am also so mad as i wonder if all the stuff he said (marriage/moving in/soul mates etc) was a pack of lies. up until last week he was saying how much he loved me and we would get through this, and then goes away for four days with no contact, and ended things upon his return.

am totally gutted and, like you, am finding it hard not being in touch as I know we are fab together, but leaving it up to him. as blonde has said, stepping back is probably the best thing to do but it doesn't stop it being hard and i too believe if it's meant to be, it will be.

mind you, he said he would always be there for me and my friend - i said that i'm not sure if i could do that as it would hurt me too much. but from the way he said it, makes me think that things are over. if they are, then i'll cope, cos I have to.

am keeping myself busy (well with dc/work you don't have much option!) so not doing too bad. am sure some days will be worse than others though.

sorry seemed to have waffled a bit there, just wanted to say you aren't alone!

MuthaHubbard · 27/02/2009 18:24

well today has mostly been a good day, me and stbxh have sorted our finances and mortgage and hopefully i'll have enough money to take the kids away on holiday by myself.

then when i came home i saw that ex-p (mentioned in prev post) had put his key through my door - no note. oh well

that brought me down a little.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 27/02/2009 20:54

MH
oh dear!
i think it is really down to you now as to how you pick up the pieces and move forward
i can understand not wanting to stay friends as it would be too hurtful and confusing and far too soon
am glad tho that you have had some positive news re finances
at least the hol gives you something to focus on and look forward to
as always we will listen to you on here
xx

Original poster
Upsydaisy1 · 01/03/2009 21:28

Well, I thought I would update you. Out of the blue last night I got a text from him, apologising for being a bit quiet and asking if he could call me tonight to go out for a drink. He has just text me to say his daughter is staying tonight but that he will call me tomorrow. So it remains to be seen...

OP posts:
MuthaHubbard · 01/03/2009 23:25

good that he got in touch and hope things go well. know it's easier said that done but try not to think about it too much - whatever happens you will be okay.

i haven't heard anything from my man so guess things are over....still keeping myself busy and am actually okay - must be a tougher old bird than I thought!