Honestly....how hard is it?

[Ace100309]

I am 37 weeks pregnant and alone. My boyfriend walked out a month ago after telling me i've "fucked up his life by having this child". I havent heard from him since despite trying to contact him on numerous occasions.

I dont have any family nearby (closest is 2-3 hours drive away) and other than my ex, his best friend and a friend of a friend round the corner I have no one where I live.

I just wanna know how hard its gonna be cos I am scared to death at the moment that I wont cope and I am worried because i'll be alone I may get post natal depression.

Help please I need to know honestly what its like! x

I'm not going to lie to you it won't be easy if your ex has nothing to do with the baby. Everything you want to do you will have to take the baby with you. I don't go out very often (perhaps once every 3-4 months) but when I do my mum babysits which is really good of her. I haven't had my hair cut in over a year. I can only afford to have it done on the model day which happens to be the day my mum works. However my friend from baby group has offered to have him so I can have it done so will be booking that soon.

My advice would be when the baby is born find out about all the things you can go to. Story time at the library, baby and toddler groups, baby swimming sessions, baby massage sessions, sing and sign session, music sessions, tumble tots etc. It keeps you sane and even if you only meet 1 very good friend from them all it will be worth it.

I agree with na, when I had my first I was married but he (now ex) worked away & came home at weekends, we moved to a new area2 months before dd was due......3hours away from my family & friends. I didn't know anyone, I joined the NCT & went along to their bumps & babes coffee mornings, I made a friend there who I'm still friends with 15 years later.
I found out where all the parent & toddler groups were and went to most of them. Health visitor should know. I didn't find it easy, had to force myself to be friendly, outgoing & approachable. I used to invite people I'd met at toddler groups round for coffee and accept every invite I got. I hosted NCT bumps & babes. I kept myself very busy and somehow managed. You need to build your own support network.

Ace, I can't give you a precise quantity of 'how hard'! but I can tell you that all my problems seem more approachable, more solvable (is that a word), I have the energy and the capability and the enthusiasm to work around the various obstacles now.

Before I was too ground down by having an extremely unsupportive partner (who was abusive and a narcissist), but that doesn't change the fact that life as a single parent is harder than being with a supportive partner, but it's easier than being with an unsupportive or lazy or abusive partner.

hth. You can cope. You will cope, you can and will be happy on your own as a single parent.

once you get a routine get yourself out to every baby group you can get too. and as said accept every invitation for a coffee you get. and if a mum shares her number then use it. dont wait for her to contact you!!

if you build a good network of friends in the same situation life is easier. you can do baby sitting swaps for hair appointments and dentists and all those day to day stuff that is easier without lo.

for the first time in your life you will look forward to dentist appointment!!

I've just realised I can't have been to the dentist for nearly 4 years

My friend who i met from baby group was a life saver when I was ill with the flu. She came and took DS off my hands for the day so I could get some rest.

Also me and one of my other friends take it in turns to watch the lo's for an hour or so in the morning so one of us can go to the gym or running.

Hi Ace.

I second what everyone else says about going to all the baby groups - I tried to get out of the house every day, even it was just to go to the library or have a cup of tea in the supermarket.

One thing that's worth remembering is that although it might seem as if everyone else has a supportive partner/husband, some of them will be having a really crappy time and getting very little support.

When I had my baby, my partner was very freaked out, threw himself into work and other activities, and really didn't help much at all. We are separating now, almost a year on. So while it looked to the outside world as if we were a 'happy family', I actually felt pretty miserable and alone. A particular low point was when two mums from baby group found me sobbing in the park.

Have a chat to your heath visitor too - there may be single parent groups locally that you could get involved with.

Good luck - as SalmonInTheLiffey says, it's much better to be on your own and have a happy life on your terms than with a tosser who will make you miserable.

My ex left when I was four months pregnant. In many ways, I actually think it was easier without him. I would have had a much harder time looking after a newborn with an immature and unsupportive partner in the oicture. I didn't realise it at the time, but having to worry only about my baby and myself turned out to be an advantage.

I'm not going to lie and say that it is easy to cope with a baby on your own, but I surprised myself with just how well I managed and you probably will too.

Some practical advice:

Take care of yourself physically. You need to be physically well to care for a baby. You need to eat well. If you are going to be alone in the first few weeks after the birth think about how you are going to prepare meals. Can you do some advance cooking now so that you have some ready-made nutritious meals in the freezer that you just need to defrost and heat? Your family if a long way away, but can anyone come and stay for a few days after the baby is born to help you out?

Take care of yourself emotionally. Like you, I really thought that I would get depressed because I was alone. The good news is that it didn't happen to me so please take heart and don't assume that you are more likely to get depressed. Make sure that your health visitor and midwife are fully aware of your situation. Get as much information as you can about any baby groups in your area and go along to them. Get involved with the NCT. Are there any single parent groups in your area?

Invest in a sling. If you can, get a decent wrap rather than a structured carrier like a Bjorn; a wrap spreads the baby's weight and allows you to carry heavier babies for longer. If you are on your own you only have one pair of hands and you will need to do things which you just can't do with a baby in your arms. Unless your baby is the type who is happy to be put down, it will just make your life so much easier. I would actually recommend this to anyone with a newborn, but when I was on my own with my baby it was a total godsend.

You WILL be able to cope. You will discover amazing things about yourself - how resourceful and strong and capable you are. I know it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment, but your baby will make everything worthwhile.

Good luck. x