How to deal with XP who twists everything?

[Janos]

Please someone give me some advice because I'm just about pulling my hair out over here.

He twists the truth constantly to me look unreasonable/hysterical/silly you name it. he was never violent to me but his behaviour certainly amounted to pyschological/emotional abuse. He can be very convincing and people often believe him and take his side.

It's left me frustrated, upset, demoralised and even frightened on so many occasions.

I know I need to rise above and not react which I do for DS but it's just really, really hard.

Aaaargh!!! Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

how much contact are you having with him now Janos bearing in mind your DS?
i gather that it was you who ended the relationship

Thanks for replying.

Yes, I ended the relationship. I feel deep down he has never forgiven me for having the temerity to leave him.

Contact is kept to an absolute minimum, I maintain civility for DS' sake.

It sounds like my ex-husband. Nobody can see the scars from a relationship where emotional punishment is a daily event but the scars are there. They then try to make out you are a blithering idiot and they are the 'normal' ones. I divorced 4 years ago but still feel demoralised and sometimes frightened by him and what he may be capable of. He has now done the same to my DD. It's hard. I have no advice I can offer, just that I completely understand how you are feeling and absolutely know what you are talking about. x

You really can't do anything about him, I;m afraid. You can only help yourself. Have you thought about assertivness classes? Or ask your doc about CBT which will help you feel less victimnised by him and help you stand up to him??

That rings very true SarahMac30. It's good to know that someone else understands and I am not actually going mad!

I too worry at just what he is capable of in his quest to always be in control and 'right'. he just doesn't appear to care about what he puts people through and constantly schemes and manipulates to get his own way.

Thankfully I have wonderful support from my friends and family, but it's just so hard sometimes.

I do stand up to him, although I find it very draining.

This is why I find it so hard to explain, it;s very difficult to reason with someone who is fundamentally unreasonable.

dont talk to him.

drop DC off... say la la la to him (whatever issues need to be discussed about the day - in pleasant tones)...

and refuse to speak about anything else.

trust me, its the only way to normality and not living in the shadow of someone who will continue to demoralise you and undermine you.

dont "stand up to him", rise above it, turn the other cheek and dont give him the time of day (unless you have to speak about DCs).

all the time you engage with him on any level other than basics you will be feeding him emotionally and he'll carry on making you feel the way you have described.

I don't mean arguing with him. Sometimes the best response is no response at all. But also being sure in yourself that he's just a nob who doesn't deserve the energy of a response. It's like the saying about arguing with idiots - just don't do it. Responding lets them know you take them seriously.

Now I feel like I'm sounding a bit mad..just as he likes to portray me.

It sounds silly to say this almost, but the way he carries on it ALMOST feels as though it would be easier if he HAD hit me - but he is too clever for that

NB Please no-one take that as a slur on victimes of DV, it's not intended that way and I know just how serious it is.

Good advice, thank you.

I think I have 'fed' him by responding but am stopping that now. It's hard though because he makes me so angry!

You don;t sound mad. He's just pushing your buttons. He knows them better than anyone. Ignore him.

This is all really useful advice and I'm taking it on board, thank you.

Hi Janos,
I was thinking about you the other day. I remember our xp's have some very common traits.

As Eve says - he knows exactly what buttons to press - my xp is the same.

I try to take 48 hours to respond to anything my xp says/e-mails/does. Then hopefully my anger has died down a bit and I'm a little more objective. I try and talk it through with someone who knows my situation and xp well. And I try to remember that I can only control my actions and my responses to him - I can't control what he does, how he looks after ds, how he deals with other people involved such as my mother and the CM. But he continualy tries to undermine my parenting, the CM (who is fantastic) and kicks off in front of ds.
And I go on MN a lot and see how other people are doing and this gives me massive support. (Thank you fellow mumsnetters)

Currently I tend not to see xp, handovers are done at the CM or my mothers house. This really helps me. In the future it would be lovely to have an amicable relationship for the sake of ds - but he is so unreasonable - I think this is unlikely.

But I know exactly what you mean about him twisting things around and getting other people onto his side and my xp does have a lovely side to him - occasionally shown when we were together - and can be very believable and persuasive.
You know you are doing the best for your ds.

Keep posting.

Currently my life is pretty busy working 3 days a week, starting an Msc and pretty social and that helps focus me and stops me worrying about the little things to a certain degree.
All the best, Harra

i have had to cut myself off from ex's family and friends. as i was constantly getting wound up from hearing from them at how i was "mistreating" ex and "keeping dc from him"

it couldn't have been further from truth.

he used to go as far as make up things like i had been cheating on him when we were together. complete fiction. but they believed him.

he would tell me he had started staying in a flat somewhere. and when i would mention it to others they would no nothing of it. then he would deny ever uttering anything about staying in flat. calling me a "pyscho" and saying i was making it all up in my head.

seriously making me doubt myself in the end.

not sure if you mean your ex is taking it this far with you.

but even if not i found getting away from the rumours helped. and only speaking the bare minimum regarding dc when was ABSOLUTELY required.

Thank you everyone who has posted.

I've taken your advice and am keeping things to a minimum, being neutral and polite.

When I vent my stress (unavoidable I'm afraid, there is going to be some in my situation) I do so to people I can trust and who will be supportive!

And making sure they know I appreciate it of course

Janos and everyone, can completely to your experiences because my XH is the same. So nice to everyones face and it is hard to try and put across his behaviour and they way he treated me. It does make you doubt yourself and of course men are good at making themselves look like the reasonable ones aren't they? and people tend to beleive them more! Anyway my family could see the affect he was having on me and common sense in the end prevailed with me. Emotional scars are harder for people to see and harder still to explain, however I'm sure like me, you didn't wake up one day and say "right well I think I want something different so I will pretend my P/H is a manipulative twat ". There are genuine reasons for why you split up from him. There are lots of women who have been through what you are going through. My XH has tried to make out I'm unreasonable, a psycho etc, DCs as well, but I am trying to rise above it all. Like the other posters, I recommend minimum contact, and just let his words go over your head. When I used to reply to XH's text he absolutely loved it, made him feel like he was in control and he fed off it, best thing I've ever did was to ignore him, I feel much stronger now. Hope you manage to sort things out for yourself anyway.

Janos, I really feel for you. I've just split up from my controlling nightmare of a DP and he sounds just like your ex. I know how horrible it can be; the feeling that you are portrayed as this lunatic while they are rational, calm and pitying. Ironically, it's enough to drive anyone quite wild with frustration, leading to outburst of emotion and/or anger as you try to unravel the web of craziness they are spinning around you.

Obviously it's really early days for me, and I don't have much advice to add - although I have found the posts on this thread very helpful. I would agree with them; in my limited recent experience, (dealing with a man who is OUTRAGED I have finally had the guts to dump him and is trying every trick in the book to get under my skin because he's so pissed off) not reacting works really well. It's almost as though they feed of the pleasure of reeling you in, winding you up and then playing all innocent and injured. If you break that cycle by not getting tangled up in the first place, its disrupts their stupid system. If these kind of men know something bothers and annoys you, they will do it all the time. Don't let him know the things you care about, even if he seems to be being nice, because it may well be used against you in the future. As others have said, keep it brief and polite, the bare minimum. Pretend they're a troll on MN trying to get a reaction and just don't give them one

Good luck, I know how hellish it can be.
x

What can you do?

In my situation - nothing at all. I'm `not at home to Ms Reasonable' and never will be two years down the line. All you can do is ignore the bulls**t.

A few weeks back I wrote to her solicitor (she refuses point blank to discuss anything with me whatsoever) asking for a change of venue/extra time to enable me to take ds to visit his paternal family (lots of cousins his age) and was given the option of him not meeting his cousins or being `allowed' to do so, on the condition he spent less time with me than usual.

The whole thing was twisted to make it look like I was just trying to control her, when all I wanted was ds to enjoy time with his family.

It's awful to see that so many people are in the same situation as me as regards XPs who seem to delight in making you look bad.

It's just so frustrating, isn't it, and so very hard NOT to react - but that seems to be what they want. Getting at you through your DC seems to be a particularly cruel trick they like to use.

XP I am sure wants me out of the picture. At times I really do feel that I was used as a brood mare/source of child care. Well tough, I'm not going anywhere!