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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Are single dads welcome here?

167 replies

Niceguy2 · 12/01/2009 00:38

Hi all

Not sure if I'm welcome here or not...after all, the name is mumsnet! Apologies if I'm not....

How do others cope with being a single parent? I've been a single dad for a while now. My kids are great, my job is great. The only problem I have is how do I meet other people????

Night after night I sit here with nothing but the computer to keep me sane! I need to make new friends but how?? I don't have any babysitters, I can rely on a friend occasionally but I don't like to ask for fear of imposing.

Striking up conversations with other women at school are out. They're all in little cliques and assume you're trying to chat them all up! Blokes just don't understand my position.

I've tried the whole Internet dating thing but it would seem a lot of women are put off by a single dad. Most without children don't want the hassle. Those with children......prefer men without kids. It would seem I can't win!

Surely I'm not doomed yet?? I'm only 33, have a good job, two well behaved kids. I'm surrounded by happy couples everywhere I go! Arrgh!!!

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 12/01/2009 17:01

have to add again
that i really can't understand why the idea of you having kids would be offputting
i mean its not as thou you were planning to get them to tag along!!
strange
or is it just me lol
and not wanting to put a dampener on things
as its obviously working for some MNers but aren't there some weirdos on those sites aimed at single parents?
maybe it's just me as i say

sleepingwiththeenemy · 12/01/2009 18:01

That's what I heard too...that some men target sites for single parents specifically because they will have kids. It's maybe just scare-mongering but it's worth a thought.

Niceguy2...that was the other drawback to the social group - the membership had to be paid monthly and then you had to pay for each event, and the fee was usually higher than you'd pay normally...for instance if you were going to an ice hockey game which would normally cost £5.00 to get in, you'd have to pay £7.50 to the group instead. It gets expensive doesn't it?

BlueSapphire77 · 12/01/2009 18:08

Liffey i agree with the fact mn saves a lot of money / time in therapy lol

Venting here is FAB and i haven't personally, but reading posts to other people in a certain situation and i have thought to myself, if that was me i'd feel so supported and empowered now..i'd feel able to do anything.. its great!

Paddlechick666 · 12/01/2009 18:35

Single With Kids only charge a membership fee (annual and around £32) if you wish to join a holiday and get a discount (15%).

Local days out and so on have no charge other than those incurred for entry etc.

The forum, which is free, is used by many SWK members but not all and it's very supportive as well as funny. Dare I say it's much less aggressive and controversial than MN can be.

This is probably because most of the people posting have met each other.

There's quite a few adult only events and people have parties at home as well.

There's a LOT of camping both SWK and member organised.

C'mon over and check it out coz it's a great place to hang out.

ps: yes it's very true that single parents can be targetted by n'eer do wells. The beauty of SWK is that it's NOT a dating site. Purely social and people have made some amazing friends. Obviously you have to trust your own instincts tho. As an aside, there are several people who have met their current partners thru the SWK forum too.

sleepingwiththeenemy · 12/01/2009 18:53

Paddlechick...I wasn't for a minute suggesting that single with kids was one of the targeted sites...I meant the dating sites whitc SWK is clearly not. I think I'll be joining them later on as I've only just come across them today too.

Original poster
Niceguy2 · 12/01/2009 19:18

Hi aseriouslyblondemoment (God what a name!)

Those who don't have kids don't understand or want the aggro which comes with kids. They tend not to understand that you can't just drop everything and go on a skiiing holiday.

And those mum's who don't want to meet a man with kids, its because of previous bad experience or they "...want a man to devote his time to just her and her kids" which is very rich really but there you go.

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 12/01/2009 19:19

SWTE, it's okay I didn't think you were inferring that at all.

SWK does have an affiliated dating site which you can join or not as you choose. Obviously the usual rules apply but you might just spot an SWK mate's profile on there

My posting name on SWK is different to MN (have been in exile recently) but I hope I'll spot you as and wehn you come on over!

KewcumbersRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 12/01/2009 20:07

sorry paddle - wasn;t responding to texts becasue phone chcrger not working and phone as flat as proverbial pancake. Thought it was the phone but IT tellme its the charger.

Keep you hands off my icecream and more to the point my pizza

Paddlechick666 · 12/01/2009 20:08

yum, yum, yum!

yummy yummy yummy!

ALL GONE

zoe99 · 12/01/2009 20:31

Hi Niceguy2, just wondering if you find work hard being a single dad? Is your employer flexible? one of my best friends is a single dad with 2 small DC, no family support or support from XP, DC were not looked after properly by XP hence why he got full custody.

He also has same problem with you as in meeting people,I have said he needs to find a women who wants kids but does not want the streatch marks!

EllieG · 12/01/2009 20:33

I dated a single Dad - we are married with another DD now, and all very happy together. Not all women are put off by men having kids, especially if they are nice ones like my DSD.

Welcome to MN Niceguy2

aseriouslyblondemoment · 12/01/2009 20:42

whats wrong with my name lol!
im a blonde who sometimes has moments
not quite senior ones thou yet
its often shortened to asbm if that's easier
im at a loss to answer that
but makes alot of sense i guess depending on what age range your search was aimed at
and anyhow what's with your name?
is that your online dating one too?
(seriously blonde disappears off to send a wink...)

Paddlechick666 · 12/01/2009 21:22

I know this is slightly provocative but why should a single father have any more issues with work than a single mother?

I find work hard as a single parent for all those reasons. full stop.

There are no allowances in my workplace for being a single parent based on gender.

sleepingwiththeenemy · 12/01/2009 22:25

Hi Paddlechick...I have joined you on the other side, lol.

KewcumbersRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 12/01/2009 22:51

agree with PAddle - in fact frommy perspective people seem (at least on the surface) to be more sympathetic to single fathers.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 12/01/2009 23:45

is this just in the workplace Kew?
as in the whole scheme of things i think that single mums are more accepted
or should i say single mums who have the kids living with them
i think that dads who have the kids living with them are seen differently IMO

nappyaddict · 13/01/2009 00:09

I wouldn't be put off by a single dad either so don't think that all women would be. In fact I would probably be more interested in a man with kids than not cos I would feel like we were on the same wavelength so to speak.

Original poster
Niceguy2 · 13/01/2009 00:34

Kew, yes i get plenty of sympathy, usually along the lines of:

"Oh you have them full time! (pause) how sweet!"

but sympathy isnt the same as attraction is it?

We all feel sympathy to those poor dogs on the RSPCA adverts but how many of us rushed to the dog pound and gave one a home? Or even donated for that matter!

So yes, having a man who is a single dad sounds like a great idea in theory but how many are prepared to put up with the reality?

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 13/01/2009 00:44

aah stop or i'll start crying lol

aseriouslyblondemoment · 13/01/2009 01:03

no seriously, thou that made me chuckle
i can appreciate that its tough
and no wouldn't want sympathy myself
but hey niceguy2
you've read what's been said by all of us
you should be chuffed
none of us would turn down a single dad
children are ultimately part of the package if its going to be serious
and you should be able to be upfront about it
why not?
any woman who thinks otherwise is not really worthy of your time
nor would any man be worthy of mine

HelenBurns · 13/01/2009 07:06

I did briefly date (well meet up with) a single dad.
It wasn't the fact he was a dad that put me off, it was the fact he was half an hour late, and had only just split up with a girl I found I had known vaguely at school who seemed very sensible. I kept wondering why it had gone wrong for them, and also there wasn't a spark between us really.

Maybe he was late all the time, I don't like people being late!!!

Paddlechick666 · 13/01/2009 08:41

SWTE, cool

NiceGuy, my brother has been a single parent for the last 12yrs and I know he has found it difficult to meet anyone.

This has mainly been due to the fact that he didn't want any more children.

Before I became a single parent myself I dated men who had kids. Since becoming a single parent I would not date a man who did not have children.

I don't think a guy who doesn't have kids can appreciate the demands of being a single parent.

Original poster
Niceguy2 · 13/01/2009 09:51

Paddle, thanks. Think I'm in the same boat as your brother then. Finding it hard to meet people and I also don't want any more kids. I'd be happy to be with someone with kids but to go back to the whole baby thing again, no thanks!

OP posts:
aseriouslyblondemoment · 13/01/2009 10:24

the thing is you never know how life will work out do you?
im not actively thinking along those lines either
but then you read some of the stories on here
and it does make me wonder

LiffeyMermaid · 13/01/2009 11:50

This is exactly the man I want!! He already has children, but definitely doesn't want anymore.

oh, and kind and good humoured of course!

I knwo they say you shouldn't have such a fixed idea in your head, as it'll blind you to other people who might be right for you, but in a perfect World, I think that would be the easiest relationship to make work.

I wouldn't mind if a man had children with him all the time, because I do too, so it'd be the only thing that'd put you on an equal footing.