Is it possible to make a go of things with someone who you dont find physically attractive?

[CanThisWork]

Firstly, I've namechanged as some of my RL friends know my nickname.

I've been chatting to a guy for a few months now via a dating site (plenty of fish). We exchanged mobile numbers about 3 weeks ago and have been texting/ringing ever since.

We've met up a couple of times now, he took me out for a meal and we've also had a couple of coffees together at different places.

The second time we met up, he came to pick me up and take me for a meal. He brought with him the biggest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen in my life . He's a lovely guy, says and does all the right things, doesn't want to rush things, keeps telling me that he wont ever push me and that we'll do things when I'm ready etc.

But the problem is, I dont find him physically attractive. When we're emailing/texting/talking on the fone, I really fancy him, he makes me smile and makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the whole world. He actually may be the 'perfect man' for me in that respect!

I'd love to make this work as we really do get on great etc. but I'm not sure if it can work when I'm not attracted to him physically. Can this come with time? Can I 'learn' to be attracted to him? Or is this potential relationship dead before its even started?

I really am at a loss as to what to do with this, please tell me I can work on how I feel when I'm actually with him

The short answer to the question is no, imo. People can grow on you but if they haven't within a few weeks forget it.....honestly it's easier in the long run.

CHA, yes he will probably be allowed to sleep in my bed. But only because the only other option would be DD's top bunk

Having said that, I do have a super kingsize bed and have threatened to put a row of pillows down the middle so he cant 'accidentally' roll over onto me lol.

I do feel comfortable enough with him though that I can sleep in the same bed with him and not have to worry that he'll jump on me!

I agree though that by the next morning, I'll be able to tell a lot. That's partly why I've offered for him to stay at mine

I'll definitely keep you updated and let you know how it goes! Keep everything crossed for me

I don't think age has anything to do with it, that's wuite patronising. I'm now 30 with 3 children (ages on profile) and am in the middle of divorcing my h, we wre married 7 years nearly and together for 10.

Just read this posting with interest.DH of 10 years dropped the bombshell in July, I was gutted as you can imagine and have been trying to piece my life back.

Few months before the bomshell, ended up sitting next to a man on a plane (in the seat DH should have been in had he not been in a very important meeting!!) We chatted all the way and he was lovely with my DS. I did not fancy at all, is is 9 years older than me, bald, overweight, but really interesting funny and chilled out about life and made me feel like a lady. Since July we emailed until a few weeks ago, then he asked to meet for coffee. We are not on 4. On date 2 I threw caution to the wind, stopped my " what will my friends say when they first meeti him thoughts" and only saw the good stuff that was REALLY attractive. I am NOT ashamed to say he is a legend in the sack.

I bit the bullet and tried it with him despite the lack of inital physical spark.

No regrets, best thing I have done in eyars.

Good luck

xxxx

We now have nightly phone sex and he just has to brush my arm and I am all bothered.

Good luck

Have read all the posts on this thread i have to say that when i met my now DH ( we were married three weeks ago ) On our first date (blind) i did not fancy him at all - i can remember going home and crying on the phone to my best friend and my mum saying why oh why do i only fancy the b*stards. I had had a succession of boyfriends since my divorce and all including my ex DH had treated me terribly, I had in my head a 'type' and was pretty rigid about this ( i think because i was so scared of being hurt again ) and when i clapped eyes on DH i just thought oh no, hes too short ( and too nice - ill walk all over him! ) He was the nicest guy by far that i had ever met, more intellegent than most people i know, and wittier with the kindest heart imaginable - funny thing was i knew this straight away hence why after our first date i was so sad about not wanting to see him again because he could have honestly have been the best thing that ever happened to me and my three girls. I was independent, had lots of new friends ( i had moved from Devon to Surrey after my divorce to go to uni )i was at uni and having a great time but deep down i had completely given up on men and literally tarred them all with the same brush. The idea of giving up my new found independence and all that i had struggled for after such an abusive marriage and string of rubbish relationships was an anathema to me and luckily DH saw through this. I tried hard to put him off (getting horribly pissed and behaving very defensively) and whilst i thought we could be friends i knew it wouldnt come to anything else - he stuck with me though and phoned and texted frequently telling me how wonderful i was (without being stalkery or creepy) and eventually suggested meeting up for a drink again.
I was feeling a bit militant by then and thought sod it, ill invite him around for dinner because he was unmarried without any kids and i thought it would put him off nicely to come to my house with the two cats, dog, two teenagers and an 11 year old ... However he walked through the door and i just thought oh god whats wrong with me ... he is really really cute! This was echoed by my 16 year old who proceeded to take out her sisters to the movies and give us some alone time, things moved on quickly from there and we were seeing each other every other night and every weekend ( quite a feat considering that he lived two hours away in Wiltshire and i in Surrey and it was a two hour commute each way which he mostly undertook ) but we couldnt bear to be away from each other and after a year when my second year had finished at uni i moved to Wiltshire to be with him - my girls adore him, he is their best friend and i thank god every day for his perseverence because he saw something in me that he thought was special enough to be sticking with ( he actually laughs now about my inital behaviour and said that he knew it was because i had been so hurt and that he saw something that he had never seen in anyone else shining out ). It took about a month ( and an amazing surprise trip to Paris ) for me to fall deeply in love with him and i have to say that our physical relationship is the best ever ( he rocks my world ) and so i just wanted to tell my story and say to canthiswork that yes absolutely it can. I am living proof of that - happily married, 30 weeks pregnant with our son, AND i fancy that bloody pants off my DH just because the immediate 'fizz' isnt there right from the word go doesnt mean it wont come and be bigger and better than anything youve ever known.
Sorry for the long post and if its overly mushy ( i am preggers and hormonal lol ) but just wanted to add my story as you are right where i was two years ago - good luck and i hope it works out for you! xx

No way to tell in advance.

I knew a guy who was, I thought, totally unfanciable. We'd known each other for months and months - saw each other almost every day - and he was making moves. Oh he soooo nice, we got on soooo well. Eventually, I thought I must be mad not to go for it. So I did. I had to be drunk to sleep with him, every time; and it got worse, not better. It was awful, and he knew. Poor chap.

Maybe this guy will grow on you; maybe one day you'll wake up and realise that you've been completely bonkers. Whatever happens, please don't do what I did.

IME yes.

meant to add but phone rang, yes and he's the very very best DH okay he has his faults but he really is, beauty is skin-deep.

Don't have much to add but just want to say that there are some brilliant stories on here - well done roseyposey and Lost in Oz!

I have a friend who is only into 'good lookers' and she's constantly let down too. She's 39 going on 15 in her attitude to blokes!

Looks aren't everything and they change over the years anyway!

I think it depends a bit on why you don't find him attractive - if it's because of a preconception about what you think you like (e.g. "he's too short, too fat, not fat enough, wrong colour hair", etc) then I think long term it wouldn't be a problem because you'd just change your parameters and realise that, actually, you don't really care if people are tall or thin or fat or blond or whatever. But if it's because he has some features/habits which you actually, even if subconsciously, find unattractive or irritating, then you could well find that he infuriates the hell out of you after a year or two. Especially if they are subconsciously irritating. If that's the case, your only hope is to work out what it might be that puts you off about him and then decide whether or not to care about it.
Not sure if this makes sense...

I didn't find xp physically attractive at all. I met him on cb radio and so fell for him, rather than how he looked.

Trouble was, when things started to go wrong between us me not fancying him became a big issue for me.

I have now vowed to not date anyone that I don't find physically attractive.

It means i could be waiting forever, but for me it is a big deal.

It CAN work OP..My DH is not my 'physical type' at all really..I like pretty looking Indie boys or posh totty to crush on.DH is neither of those!But we are fine because we share a sense of humour,common goals and we click I suppose..
Anyway it doesnt have to be for life does it.Just see how it goes..

I long ago realised I was not going to end up with Ryan from the OC/Brandon Flowers from The Killers/John Hammond, weatherman (odd crush)Once I had accepted that life was much easier and DH and I got on much better

Im not saying my DH is a munter BTW just not someone youd pick as being my type really..

rosieposie your DH sounds lovely Well done you.

To be honest, when I first saw DH I didn't think he was anything to write home about. Talking to him changed all that - in less than an evening. My ex from years ago though, I don't know what it was, but the chemistry simply didn't work, wasn't there or something. We'd got on so well for so long, I really don't see how it could ever have changed. And I've never had a 'type'.

What a lovely post, rosieposie Congratulations on your recent wedding & your pregnancy. I agree that your new DH sounds lovely!

Have just realised that I sound really shallow now.

I don't mean that I am now only going to accept a bloke who loks like a sex god. I just mean that I would want someone who I find fairly attractive.

I don't go for typically sex god types anyway, which is just as well I suppose lol.

That's fair enough, IB, I don't think you sound shallow at all as I would say the same thing!

"I am NOT ashamed to say he is a legend in the sack."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Bloody brilliant, LostinOz

aww thanks he is bloody amazing and im one lucky sod ... was going to add that having been out with some class a shits in my time there is usually something especially within the first 6 months or so to warn you about their 'dark' side - DH really is the first guy ive never had that with and thats what convinced me to move here with the girls - just keep your wits about you and you can differentiate eventually with enough experience (sadly) who the arseholes are! Lol@LostinOz about being a legend in the sack too tis all important, more so than looking like Brad Pitt, christ the idea of spending the rest of my natural with someone who well quite frankly was crap in the sack would fill me with horror and have me running screaming for singledom!
IB i agree, there are fundamentals that i just wouldnt compromise on such as nice teeth, decent dress sense and that kind of thing but i think that sometimes the longer you are on your own like i was for 5 years (30-35) the more bloody picky you get until sometimes its hard to see the good ones as they get lost in the mire like i said, had it not been for DH's determination i wouldnt have given him a second glance, and i could never ever find another as random, individual,funny and bloody nice as him - thank god for common sense prevailing - right ill stop now before your all sick lol but you get my gist

Some lovely stories on here, thank you all for sharing they have given me hope!

I'm sat here all ready with my gladrags on , waiting for him to pick me up (at 7pm) so thought I'd drop in to read your lovely posts!

I'm really nervous tonight which is a bit strange as the past 5 times I haven't been at all!

Anyway, I shall update you all tomorrow evening

ohh, good luck & make sure you report back!

Good luck ( nervous is a good sign - hopefully next come the butterflies ) xx

Hnmm. Yeh, I do hope it goes really well. I guess it depends on your past experiences. I married a man who I loved for his kindness, his humour, and his intelligence, the fact that we had loads in common, etc - but I never REALLY fancied him, and so when things got difficult between us the sex bit quickly dwindled to nothing, and the relationship is now on its last legs because I can't rekindle any desire for him and he doesn't want a sexless marriage, though I would be happy to stay in it and find satisfaction elsewhere. Personally - although I totally see that lust is by no means the be all end all - I think it really, really helps.

Glad you are all pleased with my legend in the sack. There are also so many other lovely things about him that the physical attractiveness thing does not bother me at all, and I actually do now fancy him as he makes me feel great.

I also married my DH based on his kindness, sincerity, dependability etc etc, before the bombshell, we were having sex about every 6 months and only when I was drunk. When other things in the relationship came under strain, the sex died, he also totally lost his drive which did not help.

The difference here with my little "legend" is that the sexual chemistry is amazing and I feel totally comfortable and unihibited with him. This is a wonderful thing and I hope what helps keep the sexual side of things going.

Think all the postings here are really interesting and balanced. Mumsnet is such a great place to ask advice and share experiences xxxxxxxxx

Ok, update time.

So he arrived to pick me up last night, with another bouquet of flowers for me .

We went out for a meal and then to the local pub for a few drinks. It all went well, we laughed we joked and had a really good night.

When we got back to mine, we had a cuppa and then headed to bed. By this time I was a lot bit tipsy and one thing led to another .

I have to say, it was AMAZING , like nothing I've ever experienced before! He was all for me and not expecting or demanding anything in return (like previous twunts).

We ahem, did it again this morning and once again it was fabulous. I felt completely at ease with him and not embarrassed about my lumps and bumps/cellulite etc. at all (which is completely new to me as I'm usually hiding under the covers with the light off so nobody can see!).

So erm, I guess you could say it went well . Although, I still don't look at him and think 'phwoar', I think 'you're such a lovely bloke, fantastic in bed and make me feel wonderful about myself'. I'm just hoping now that the rest will come with time, and after all of the advice etc given by you lovely ladies, I'm almost sure it will!