Is it possible to make a go of things with someone who you dont find physically attractive?

[CanThisWork]

Firstly, I've namechanged as some of my RL friends know my nickname.

I've been chatting to a guy for a few months now via a dating site (plenty of fish). We exchanged mobile numbers about 3 weeks ago and have been texting/ringing ever since.

We've met up a couple of times now, he took me out for a meal and we've also had a couple of coffees together at different places.

The second time we met up, he came to pick me up and take me for a meal. He brought with him the biggest bouquet of flowers I've ever seen in my life . He's a lovely guy, says and does all the right things, doesn't want to rush things, keeps telling me that he wont ever push me and that we'll do things when I'm ready etc.

But the problem is, I dont find him physically attractive. When we're emailing/texting/talking on the fone, I really fancy him, he makes me smile and makes me feel like I'm the only woman in the whole world. He actually may be the 'perfect man' for me in that respect!

I'd love to make this work as we really do get on great etc. but I'm not sure if it can work when I'm not attracted to him physically. Can this come with time? Can I 'learn' to be attracted to him? Or is this potential relationship dead before its even started?

I really am at a loss as to what to do with this, please tell me I can work on how I feel when I'm actually with him

So you like the romance when it's at a comfortable distance, just enough to be excitement. But the mushiness makes you a bit awkward when it's right there, when it's reality?

If that's how it is, I completely get it.

Yeah maybe that's it TNMGN.

But how do I get round it?

I don't know. But looking back (I've done a fair bit of navel gazing since leaving the abusive x) I know that as stupid as it is, I subconsciously sabotaged relationships with men who might have valued the real me. There were a few, not loads, but I realise now I definitely let a couple of good men slip through my fingers, as though they were the worthless ones, because I didn't all out 100% fancy them. They all moved on quickly enough! But good for them, they were decent men capable of having real relationships. I have spent the last 20 odd yrs (I'm 37) chasing around after men who were unavailable or just not right for me. One x of mine was actually gay although I didn't know at the time, and we were never more than friends, it wasn't even a great friendship. Not even soul mates who never had sex. We were just with eachother but not that close in any way. Officially it was a relationship, and it must have looked right to the outside world. He was also v. goodlooking the 'turnedouttobegay' x and I liked being with him. At the time I wasn't lonely, it's only now I feel I've grown up I realise what an empty and pointless relationship that was; even if he'd been straight iyswim. My recent x,not the gay one! my children's dad was v. goodlooking too but he didn't have an awful lot else going for him. I have to ask myself why I wanted him (at the begining). It's really uncomfortable. Did I need a trophy? Somebody to prove to the outside world that I was desirable or popular? As though, what other peole thought mattered a lot more than what I felt?

I don't know... I probably sound a complete loon, but I'm 95% sane! do you feel like a counsellor? You can cat me the invoice for your hour!

Big, big, big mistake to build your life with someone you don't find very hot indeed from the outset IMO.

No. Don't do it. If you don't fancy him now, he will repel you in a year's time, and by then you could break his heart.

how about instead of me invoicing you, you just give me an hour back!

I'm actually quite astonished as I also have an x who turned out to be gay . The only difference being we were in an actual relationship and I loved him to death - even though he didnt love me and had numerous affairs behind my back

We're quite similar in an awful lot of ways TNMGN. I'm 29 and have also always chased about after unavailable or unsuitable men for most of my adult life.

Maybe the problem is that this time it's actually him chasing me and I'm just not used to it IYSWIM. I admit that I'm definitely not used to someone who treats me the way this new guy does.

Oh I really don't know any more, I think I'm just going to have to 'suck it and see' for want of a better phrase

DO you think he finds you physically attractive (I am not saying that you are undesirable in the least so please don't think I am - how on earth would I know what you look like anyway?) Ie could this be a case of you and him being suited to be friends rather than romantic/sexual partners?

It doesn't sound like there's any rush, anyway: if you enjoy spending time with him, spend time with him and if the two of you want to have sex, have some sex - just see how it goes.

Anna, Colditz, thanks for that. Do you speak from experience of this situation?

ssuyc, yes I know he finds me attractive. He tells me how beautiful/sexy/gorgeous I am on a daily basis!

Only when I was younger, to be honest.

Oh Hell, don't take my advice, I've been single for 2 years. I couldn't trust myself around anyone I did fancy.

I think it can work. Often people do not instantly find themselves attracted to the person they actually fall head over heals in love with.

People often know their future life partners for a while before they get together in a romantic way. You are really going through that beginning part of a relationship where you are becoming good friends, the part that you would have if your new partner was someone at work, or friend of a friend, or whatever, you would know "something' about them and then fancy them. You are doing that part right now.

Sometimes, lust at first sight, often, it is time that creates lust.

Wow that's mad! You had a gay boyfriend too! wow. Well, you go and break this pattern before you are 30 girl!! I@ll break it before I'm forty. hmmmmm. If I get the chance

PtRNR, I'm hoping that time will create the lust for me and I'm just being stupidly shallow at the minute. (which I never thought I would be!)

TNMGN, I'm trying, I'm trying... You can do it too, think positive

Hiha canthiswork
I just wanted to say that I didn't fancy my DH for a while when I met him first. I thought he was a lovely man but for me he wasn't giving me the vibe. I realised after that I probably did rely too much on initial spark and my previous relationships were all short termish gigolos, ok a bit harsh, but you get the picture?
I did find that Dh grew on me especially seeing him in the day and in normal situations I found I really started to fancy him then.
I'm so glad he hung in there. Even now tho he doesn't flirt but in a way I love him more for it as he's more solid soul mate type and I have absolute faith in him not to have a roving eye.
So good luck, keep in there, but your gut will tell you eventually!

Yes it can work (and that's all I'm saying!)
as dh knows my login!

i'm coming into this discussion late but.... dp and i were friends for 2 years before we got together. before him i went for lots of unsuitables and unavailables purely on the basis of their looks. but i eventually fell in love with my dp as he was a constantly good friend, v clever, made me laugh and, i realised, we had loads in common. now we are v v happy and have been together for 10 years.
however - our sex life isn't brilliant, partly because we have been together for ages and the passion recedes, but also i think because there wasn't a physical chemistry there in the first place. it was, above all, a relationship built on friendship, not lust
despite this, i wouldn't have done anything differently. i adore him, he's my best friend and i wouldn't be with anyone else.
hope that helps

dh and I met online, in a game, we were friends before anything happened. He weighed 22 stone and so obviously not "hot" to look at.

I can still remember my moment of clarity, I was on the top deck of a bus riding home and I realised that he was everything he wanted in a man except that he was so fat and I said to myself, you shallow bitch. And that was that.

The first time I ever hugged him (as a friend then) it just felt right, not sexual, but right.

We've been married ten years now and he's my best friend and even after so long his touch sends thrills through me. Which is because of who he is and how our relationship began. As we had already been friends I knew him and knew I could trust him in all matters. It also means that in sexual troughs it hasn't mattered. Like I don't think we had sex once in ds's first year due to the shock of dealing with a baby! But because we were/are friends it didn't matter, love and support was shown in other ways.

i was exactly the same with my Dp.

we met n holiday as we were both on stag/hen weekends.
i thought he was a nob head wheni first met him but we spoke on the last night and we got on really well.
we added each other on facebook when we came home and chatted a bit over that, then by text and then to thepoint we would text as soon as we woke up, all day and then be on the phone for 4/5 hours a night.

he was absolutly perfect....except for the fact that im 6'1 and he is 5'7.
i kept saying no, it wouldn't work.

he persuaded me to meet him again and see how it goes.
I did. it did bother me but i liked him enough that i didn't want to not see him again.
second time we met up we kissed and that was it...i was over the height thing. it didn't matter anymore.
im aware of the fact that we look bizaar, and i know that everyone we know does/will take the piss. but i really dont care. he makes me happy.

and whilst i don't think i would have ever looked at a picture of him and gone Phwaoor....he does it for me now.

being able to make someone laugh is the sexiest thing in the world honestly. and if he is perfect in every other sense i would imagine that your feelings of closeness to him will build to physical attraction.

give it a go. you wont know till you try.

I so did not fancy my dh when I met him but got on really well and had a great laugh.I still don@t really know what happened but after a month of meeting for coffee and the occassional drink something just 'clicked' and we started kissing!After that we couldn't keep our hands off one another and I still really fancy him nearly nine years in! The funny thing is he didn't fancy me either!

this thread give me hope after being told by someone yesterday that they dont fancy me

maybe after time something will develop who knows?

i reckon the best relationships happen gradually..

I didnt fancy my partner when I met him, I thought he was a nice guy, ticked all the boxes etc, but didnt excite me. I think compared to my ex before him, who I was really attracted to, despite him eventually treating me like crap, so I was interested in this new guy because he was so different to that. We are now expecting our first, but to be honest, there is that lack of intimacy between us, because of me just not feeling the lust factor. I wondered if it would just happen, but after 2yrs, it hasnt. I have no idea how this will all turn out in the end. Good luck to you though, it wont hurt to give it a go, surely

Thinking about this again. You can start fancying someone who you didn't from the outset when you have met on a purely friendship basis. When you are meeting as potential partners, it's different. He sees you are his ideal but he isn't yours. I wouldn't persue a relationship if had an inkling that I would hurt the person further down the line.

For many of us, attraction is based on what we see with our eyes. Hypothetically, if you lost your sight, then would that make you feel differently about this guy when you are with him in person?

My view is that chemistry/physical attraction is important and I'm not convinced that it can be manufactured (or artifically raised) on purpose....

canthiswork - I didn't fancy my DP when I first met him. In fact, I thought he looked positively hilarious, like a cross between Gene Wilder and Eric Idle if you can imagine such a thing! But we got to know each other and became friends and one thing led to another...and now I totally fancy him. It's mixed in with loving him so much. But in my 20s I would have said that you couldn't possibly fancy someone later if you didn't initially - but now I do. So I would think you are breaking away from your earlier patterns of being led by lust.

HOWEVER - you say, "It's just like it's a different person when I see him. As if it's not the same person that I'm so attracted to at every other time." And I would be wary of that. I banned text/email communication with a new man for as long as possible because sometimes it's a lot easier to say things on text or email than you would face to face, and that can rush things before you are physically ready to match. I would try to cool off the texting - (you can't possibly sustain texting every 5 mins anyway! doesn't it drive your colleagues crazy?!) - even if for just a week or so and make more of your meetings...If you dress up and feel sexy while getting ready to meet him, you may find that the rest just follows.....

I think attraction is something that grows. I met my DP when I had recently separated from my ex H. DP is a very good looking man & his looks were something I picked up on on first meeting him. I gave him my number but couldn't commit to a date with him as was still under the same roof as ex h (we had to wait for the house sale to complete), so we spent a few months just texting. I forgot exactly what he looked like, but like you, I would look forward to his texts & could tell he was a great bloke. I felt I really got to know him, even though I couldn't remember what he looked like!

We stopped texting while I was concentrating on my house situation etc, and it was a good 8 months before we got back in contact, by which time I really couldn't remember what he looked like! After a month or so of sending the odd friendly text, he finally asked me out. I was very nervous, but agreed, and when he came to the door I could see that he was an attractive man, but I had been with ex H for so long that it felt a little weird & there were certainly no fireworks! He was very different looks wise to ex H (tall when ex H was quite short, blonde rather than dark, blue eyes rather than brown, just totally totally different) and very different personality wise. While that wasn't a bad thing in itself, I couldn't get used to it & wasn't sure how I felt about him, but when I received a text from him, like you, my face would light up.

Didn't even kiss properly until our 4th date, but once we did I knew I fancied him! We have been together 16 months now & I fancy him more than ever! Attraction is something that grows the more you get to know someone IMO.