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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

single mums in 4 counties can now check boyfriends for previous child abuse convictions

24 replies

nametaken · 14/09/2008 22:30

Hi I just wondered if you thought this was a good or bad thing

single mothers to check boyfriends for sex offences

OP posts:

trumpetgirl · 14/09/2008 22:40

Both.
Good thing that we have the option of checking (if you live in one of those areas... which I don't!)
BUT bad for your relationship, because you obviously have quite worrying trust issues if you go to that extreme

I would probably check

RambleOn · 14/09/2008 22:47

Have you read the comments at the bottom of that article

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 14/09/2008 22:50

it's in my area, I think it's a good thing.

but as trumpet says trust isshoos,

i'm torn at the minute, I have no real reason as such to mistrust beau, but on the other hand for my own peace of mind i'd like to know, but then would I feel bad if it came back as it was all clear.

then again thou, there's the fact of protecting my son.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 14/09/2008 22:53

those comments - OMG!!!

OMG!!!

i'm so feminist issues exactly - maybe those 'men' should walk a bloody mile and see how they bloody well like it!!!

trumpetgirl · 14/09/2008 22:56

The other problem is that if you check, and they aren't on the list. That doesn't mean they haven't done anything, just that they've never been caught.
Are we just opening a can of worms here?

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 14/09/2008 22:58

TG - I said that to my mum - and she said if you go thru your whole life thinking like that, you'll never trust/know anyone. which is quite a sorry state of affairs.

solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2008 22:58

Oh FFS! While it's possible that some men might target single mothers in order to abuse their children, most undesirable men who target single mothers are simply cocklodgers who want to be fed and laundered and housed in exchange for the odd bunch of flowers and perfunctory shag. People who want to rape children are rare. Most people are not at all dangerous to children. This sort of crap is yet more 'suspect everyone , trust no one except Government, everyone is really a bad person if not constantly watched...'

trumpetgirl · 14/09/2008 23:00

BUT if you had the option and didn't check and your child was abused, HOW SHIT WOULD YOU FEEL!!!
Can't win this one!

trumpetgirl · 14/09/2008 23:05

Solidgoldbrass - Agree with you completely. People (generally) are far too paranoid about this, but it does happen and no one wants to subject their child to that.
I'm just gonna stay single... problem solved!

Original poster

nametaken · 14/09/2008 23:24

solidgoldbrass your post made me laugh - so true

I'm not against it, I just think it shouldn't be only single mothers that can check. Shouldn't a married woman be able to check on her next door neighbour for example

OP posts:

scarythought · 14/09/2008 23:27

I've name changed for this.....I agree with trumpetgirl on the "The other problem is that if you check, and they aren't on the list. That doesn't mean they haven't done anything, just that they've never been caught." A close family friend has just been convicted and sentenced for downloading pornographic images of children. Me & my dc have been on holiday with this man a couple of times. I always thought he was a genuine, good man. He worked with children and had an enhanced CRB check. I don't know what the answer is, assume every man is a possible danger!!!

solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2008 23:27

TG, yeah but then your DC might get very ill. Or be in a major train crash. Or it might rain hammers. Most people manage to not get horribly killed by maraudin People most of the time.

zippitippitoes · 14/09/2008 23:32

i dont see how this helps anyone just engenders a community of distrust

the kind of thing that seems to come up all the time on mn

if i felt sufficiently concerned to check i would have serious doubts about the relationship

and tbh most threats have not probably been registered or even yet commited the ofence

trumpetgirl · 14/09/2008 23:36

I KNOW IT'S IRRATIONAL AND THAT ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN... but if something is preventable, why would you risk it happening???
You wouldn't send your child outside if you knew there was a risk of raining hammers, surely!!!

zippitippitoes · 14/09/2008 23:38

if i had so much doubt in my own judgement and my parteners honesty i wouldnt date anyone

trumpetgirl · 14/09/2008 23:50

I think I'm giving out the wrong message here, because I know people who won't let their kids out of their sight, because someone might kidnap, rape and kill them!
I'm not that mad!
I do look at this from a different perspective than most as I was abused by a family member when I was a teenager. I've never told anyone as I know they wouldn't believe me... he is an excellent bloke, apparently.
I know that these things can happen, and the people closest to them have no idea. I have no expectations of being any cleverer than the people who know this family member of mine.

lostdad · 15/09/2008 07:12

As a father whose son lives 300 miles away with a man I have never met and don't know the name of I'd be interested in checking him out. Wonder if I could apply to this scheme.

lostdad · 15/09/2008 07:13

Or if I did so, would this be evidence that I was simply trying to `control' my ex.

MlleFingeot · 15/09/2008 07:24

My God!

'Agree with previous posters. Why are there single mothers anyway?

I wouldn't worry though. This will have absolutely no effect at all. Just like false allegations generally result in a not guilty verdict which is why the conviction rate is so low.'

eh?

someone has got their arguments all confused. Bless.

wannaBe · 15/09/2008 07:56

and women wonder why men don't want a relationship with someone who has kids.

Bloody ridiculous idea IMO. Surely you either trust someone, or you don't. And if you don't then you wouldn't enter into a relationship with them. I wonder how many men will be put off by this. Because tbh I think any man who has never done anything wrong and who finds the idea of child abuce abhorrent would feel very put out at the idea of his gf checking to see if he was a paedophile. It's one thing to have to have a crb to work with children in a professional capasity, quite another to have one to be allowed a personal life.

And why should it only be the mother? Why can't the father check up on the man who will be spending time with his children?

lostdad · 15/09/2008 08:42

I agree with you 100% wannaBe. My ex has accused me of child abuse and DV...and as you say, I find it truly, truly abhorrent.

I would dearly love the thought of remarrying one day and having more kids and wouldn't rule out on a woman who had kids already.

But this sort of thing is just another reason not to take the risk - it could rebound on me what with all that has happened where my ex is concerned.

mistressmiggins · 15/09/2008 21:32

I must admit that when I first started dating DP, it did cross my mind BUT I decided that I would go with gut instinct.
I would be mortified if someone checked me out and so why should DP feel any different?

there are plenty of abusive natural parents who dont get vetted so why should we start vetting potential partners?

I feel sorry for you lostdad. Your situation sounds horrendous....BUT you shouldnt put it off making a new life for yourself.
If you meet the right lady, she will know you for yourself and realise that you are a good dad.

In my case, I met a man who had custody of his DD and that was a big plus for me....he obviously knew & understood what bringing up children was all about and I felt it would bring good experience to my family. Maybe I was/am lucky.

wannaBe · 15/09/2008 21:34

it's not just mothers. Any parent or guardian can check up on someone who is going to be alone with their children.

lunavix · 28/09/2008 12:15

lostdad - it says single dads can too

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