ex h took ds away for the whole day today for the first time :( :( :(

[ratbunny]

Exh had been coming round mine to see ds until it became clear to me that he was playing with my mind - telling me he wanted to be a family with me when he was actually still in touch with ow. So I thought it best that we need to set up proper contct arrangements so I get my space from him.

I have got loads to do to keep myself busy, brought it sure brings home the reality of breaking up. I will worry all day. Its funny, I dont worry when mum has him, but I will with ex h cos he never really took that much interest in ds.

and he turned up 1/2 hour late so I had to cancel my plan to go out with my friend in the morning (my friend had to be back at 12)
wanker

You'll be fine. I know it's hard and I know the day will drag, but it will be good for you to have some time alone.

Is it going to be a regular thing? Every other weekend or something? before you know it you'll really look forward to having a day to yourself and you'll be able to do all sorts!

well I think we will start with him having him all day saturday, then probably move on to every other weekend.
he is reluctant to do every other weekend as he says he will see ds less often, so I dont know where to go from here. I do want him to do an overnight, but ds is only 18 mo, and I dont think he is ready for it yet. thats why we are starting all day sat.
still

I guess it is just learning to trust ex h isnt it?

It is really hard the first time you have to let them go. And probably a few times after that will be really hard too. I've never had to hand my ds over to my ex, but it was hard enough leaving him at playschool that first time, and when he stayed overnight the first time with a friend I didn't know what to do with myself! I phoned my friend mor etimes than I should but it was clear he was having a wonderful time, it was just me not managing. Now I really relish a few hours to myself.

If you can't go out with your friend any more can you not pop round to a friend/neighbout for a few hours, or even just go shoping? It's so much easier food shopping without a little one to worry about. Sit in teh cafe and have a hot choc and a cake too if you can afford it. If not treat yourself to something else like a magazine and take it home and read it.

You will be ok, but I do understand how horrible it is and anxious you must feel right now. It does get easier in time, I promise you.

take care
Gilly

well I do need to get some food shopping in, and for our holiday. my brother is coming over. got housework to do (tho might leave that one out). and might go swimming this afternoon.
but I WORRY!!!!

ok, get a grip. he will be fine. I guess it seems so serious now - going out as a family just isnt going to happen anymore.
h really HAS gone (tho I know I eventually ended it cos of all the mind games). It seems so final.

Yes it is about you learning to trust him. he loves his ds very much too and wouldn't want any harm to come to him. So you just have to learn to trust in that.

Given your ds's age there is nothing to say that it has to be weekends. School is not an issue right now. Weekly contact is better for young children. Perhaps your ex can change his working hours around. He could have ds on friday overnight and all day saturday, That could be stretched out if he can get flexible hours by having him all day friday and then perhaps moving to overnight thursday. My last bf got this arrangement in court so he'd have his dd every thirsday overnight and then one week return her friday evening and the next week saturday evening until she started school. Both parents worked and mum insisted she wanted weekend time. So we cam up with this compromise so he got teh equivalent of a 'weekend' with her every fortnight but still saw her every week for an overnight too. She wasn't happy and argued that she had to pay for nursery for a while week and other such sillyness, but judge accepted it. Now his dd is starting school they are swaping over to every other weekend. I still don't believe it is enough contact for his 4.5 year old dd to have a meaningful relationship with his and certainly not for him to be considered an equal parent in her eyes. But that's all they could get agreed in court at the time.

Gilly

there is no question of h swapping his hours at work.
maybe every sat, with every other sat night too would work unti he is at school. would that be reasonable?
he also puts ds down 1 night in the week. maybe we can work that into a regular evening out for me so I get a babysitter too.

Well that cuts into your sunday. Why can't he have ds friday night overnight return his saturday evening?

He also gets 4 weeks hol from work I would assume? If he took that approx one day once a fortnight he could easily have ds one week day&night a fortnight on top.

All depends where his priorities are I guess!

And if you have a child under 5 employers have to be more flexible with working hours and time off. So he needs to go in and ask. Depending on what his job is he could probably have a day off in the week and work a weekend day instead couldn't he? Don't say it's not possible without him even asking!

gilly - he wouldnt ask! he sees himself as too imprtant in his job for them to be able to cope without him. he has cancelled holidays in the past because he is needed at work.

just wanted to add to this to say that when ds came home, I ran out of the door to greet him, and was met by a massive grin, arms out and a happy 'mummy!'.

I really missed him! And because I hadnt had him all day, the usual drudgery of bedtime wa really nice, with me having loads of energy for both me and him to enjoy it!

and h reported that he had had a really good day together.

That's lovely to hear. Hopefully next time will be easier knowing that you will have the same to look forward too. And having a bit of space is great for breaking through the drudgery and gives you that little bit of a break you need to help you appreciate that the drudgery isn't always that way