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Lone parents

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Original poster

ex wants to take 2 yr old son on holiday

14 replies

pippypoppypanda · 08/08/2008 19:52

Hi my ex and i have been through the courts to arrange a contact agreement for our son, he currently sees him 4 times a fortnight, with 1 of these times an overnight stay. He has recently expressed that he wants to take him on holiday abroad for a week which I have said no to because he had only spend single nights with him before and to jump to a week - especially abroad is too much. Im awake at night worrying that he'l take me to court and they'll force me to let him go even though i know he'll be upset. Any one been through this? Do u think the courts would make me do this when he's so young??x

OP posts:

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 08/08/2008 20:01

tbh I don't think the courts would make him at this age. tbh, but i'm not sure. how about suggesting to your XH that he possibly stay in the UK? - and instead of a week 4 nights or soemthing (I wouldn't take DS abroad at his age myself but that's just me) do you think he'll take your DS anyway?

my DS is 2.5 and I didn't mind XH taking him for 5 days but he was in this country.

what's his relationship like with his dad?

nancy75 · 08/08/2008 20:07

what would you say if your ex said you could not take your child on holiday?

yerblurt · 08/08/2008 20:12

tbh I don't see the problem with the child having a holiday with his dad. Is it going to be too much to spend quality time with dad?

If you're 'anxious' then how about a holiday in the UK for starters, with telephone contact to say they've arrived OK, and every couple of days to say "night, night, love you" etc?

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 08/08/2008 20:19

nancy 75 - he has no choice the court awarded me residency for a reason, which i won't go into. And its not about me being spiteful, its about whats best for my son in relation to his age.

SIME - he screams everytime he goes to his dads but he couldnt take him without my permission re the residency order.

YB - he would refuse to let me have any contact with him whilst he was away

OP posts:

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 08/08/2008 20:25

hmm - I think without slightly more info we wouldn't be able to suggest if he would 'win' if he took you to court. (brief outline)

from experience DS was 2.2 when his dad took him for 5 nights to yorkshire - I worried like hell BUT XH & I have a relatively good relationships still & DS loves seeing his dad. at 2.5 I'm quibbling about a whole week (sat to sat with XH & DS) but am thinking about it more - this is in the UK - outside of the UK I don't think so at DS's age thb. (but that's just me and i'm a PFB mother at times!)

I know some people say how would you like it if it was on the other foot - but with respect you knwo the situation, you know you X and your son, we don't everyone's circs are different.

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 08/08/2008 20:35

well thats my point, he was only allowed overnight contact from 18 months and he's only 20 months now(i should have put under 2 years in the discussion title), he hasnt had time to get used to staying away from me for 1 night never mind 7!!! and in another country!!!

OP posts:

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 08/08/2008 20:41

key points for me when XH took DS - and it's stupid I knwo but some paretns you never know with I had to ask myself - (and yes I know it's his dad before anyone moans)

a) would DS be looked after & not in any immediate harm?
b) how safe would ds be (see above)
c) would XH keep roughly to his routein/my wishes - ie no fizzy pop, no fruit shoots etc. (but obv you do have to have some leaway there.) for me X didn't feed him crap but his bed time was a bit out of the window - was more like 8.30 than 7 - no drama.
d)think XH & MIL knew that this was a test - for me as much as them - if it had gone pair shaped he wouldn't have gone again, but am happy for him to go there as now I know he'll be properly looked after.

is there also an element of that in the mix (i'll openly admit - I had issues with giving XH complete control over DS and the situation for that weekend- and I felt helpless) but it worked - and hopefully it will improve from here.

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 08/08/2008 20:56

Thing is, I want to be able to trust him but my key points are that he is going with his parents and his mother is an alcoholic and his parents fight with drink (I mean actually punch eachother) and my ex is only 20 and has no responsibility about him whatsoever. He has put me through the mill threatening not to bring DS back so on so forth and until he earns my trust Im never going to feel comfortable with letting him go. Is that not fair enough?

OP posts:

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 08/08/2008 20:58

PS reiterating Spandex's last point - yes I also know he's his dad but does that give him the right to do and act how he pleases inspite of everyone else?

OP posts:

gillybean2 · 09/08/2008 00:58

If your ds is only used to spending one night away then I would suggest you should perhaps build on that quite rapidly.

Maybe arrange a couple of weekends where he stays overnight 2 nights (doesn't have to be consecutive weekends). Then perhaps agree to a long weekend away in the UK. Somewhere like Centre Parcs is brilliant, or he can rent a cottage near the beach or something.

Once everyone is happy with that and ds is happy spending longer times with his dad then think about looking at a week away.

I do think that going from 1 night to a whole week would be a bit worrying for your ds. You all have to consider his welfare and how to go about putting things in place so that a week abroad at some point is an option. But agree with you moving from 1 overnight to this is a very big jump for a young child.

What you both should be thinking about is not what either of you want, but what is right and best for your ds. Put his welfare above your own and hopefully your ex can do the same and then you'll get there.

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 09/08/2008 08:32

exactly gillybean. Im not depriving my son of any time with his dad, fact of the matter is that ive pushed for weekend visits but his football comes first and he's unable to have him on a saturday. It is my son's welfare I am interested in, always has been, always will be and I'm not willing to put my ex's wishes before him, no matter how much he'll put me through to get his own way. Thats how he sees it, as me getting MY own way by not letting him go

OP posts:

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 09/08/2008 08:56

no agree with gilly there, (another fantastic sensible post btw gilly )

build on what he does have first. and as I say - for now - at this age esp I wouldn't let DS out of the country - I'm wondering is there any specific reason to take him abroad - or is it a general family holiday? - if he's threatened not to fetch him back before am wondering is all.

Original poster

pippypoppypanda · 09/08/2008 09:14

he has threatened not to bring him back before and the police would do nothing about it. There's a court order in place now however so they would intervene and I have his passport. It's not that I never want him to go ever, don't think that, I just believe that building it up slowly is the best for our child, not jumping from 1 night a fortnight to a week.

His family go abroad a lot its just another holiday for them but I see no reason why he cant stay in england somewhere for a long weekend

OP posts:

MsMumDowntown · 10/08/2008 15:55

I agree with you pippypoppypanda. My ex (friendly, reasonable and responsible) wanted to take our son on holiday to visit his (very nice) family in France when he was two and I had to say no. He was too young, much closer to me than to his dad, never had more than one day+night without me.... I thought that as nice as my ex might be it was too much for a little boy.
Luckily the ex agreed (however reluctantly) but we have increased the amount of time he spends with him and this spring he took him away for 6 days and nights - which were great for both of them and for me!

Don't give up. 20 months is way too early for such a long time without you, especially under the circumstances (irresponsible dad, fighting grandparents, threats etc.) get the court involved if necessary.

I've heard this 'you're only thinking about yourself' line too often - when insisting on continuing breastfeeding, co-sleeping, not working until he was one... it's rubbish.
You want to do things 'your way' because you use your instincts, that's why it feels so urgent, upsetting, belly crunching. If it was principles you would have simply negotiated. when you trust your instincts, like it sounds you are doing, there's no negotiation - you just KNOW it's wrong for your child.

Good luck, it's a tough one.

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