Sharing a bed with a 9 year old

[Whatisbest26]

Hi, I have a very tense relationship with my ex-husband, communication is by email only and to the bare minimum. We co parent our child 50/50.

My ex lives with his parents in a 3 bed property. He has a room, they have a room, DS16 sleeps in a cabin in the garden, my DS12 sleeps in the box room and DD9 shares a room with her Dad.

I’ve never said anything about their sleeping arrangements. But at what stage should they arrange things so that DD doesn’t have to share a bed with her Dad. She doesn’t mind at all at the moment (she has always wanted to be close at night, I’ve managed to get her in her own bed at my house in the last year only) but I’m just worried she’ll be 10 in a few months so is getting older.

Do I just stay out or it? Or do I raise it with my ex, knowing he will not take kindly to me interfering.

Are they sharing a room or sharing a bed as well?

She said they share a bed . There should be a stop to that. She should have the box room and your son in with his dad in single beds .

Can you raise it with his parents, do you have that kind of relationship?

I put a stop to the bed sharing in similar circumstances when my daughter was around 10 as well. My ex is just totally oblivious, my daughter didn't mind at that point but was an early developer and I didn't want it to get to the point where she did mind but felt too embarrassed to say.

You say you co parent your child. Are the boys your step sons? Are the children half siblings? Are they all there at the same time each time?

I will be interested to hear what feedback you get on this, as my DS’s father house shares so has a room and they share the bed. Other than him putting up a blow up thing not sure of how much space there is, then I am wondering when and how that will change/what i should do because as is often the case not rightly so, in these situations with ex partners, he obviously doesn’t see anything wrong with that. And no it won’t change as I have been asked on here before, when will he drive/move, never.

So op in your case I think you are right to get involved, do you think your DD not wanting to sleep alone at home has been influenced by arrangements at their dads.

I think at that age, a child must have their own bed. If they then choose to share with a parent, fine, but it shouldn't be their only option. Why not ask your DD what she thinks? Surely better she asks her dad for her own bed. But you said 'child', are all three your children?

I think it depends on how happy the child is. At this point, she doesn't mind. But, I would imagine this will change in the next year or two. Both of mine loved sleeping with me or DH but as they neared the end of primary, that shifted.

I am not sure you should raise it until you are certain it's something your DD wants to change. Because I imagine if you do raise it, he then can use it as a tool against you with her.

There needs to be an option for her to have her own bed. It’s fine for her just now but soon with her developing and maturing then she will need her own privacy.
I think a honest conversation about her growing up and needing her own space is okay to be addressed. He will need to start putting plans into place with another bed in the room or the two boys share.

Sorry that was a typo - I meant co parent our children not child.

That’s what I’m worried about. She seems fine with it at the moment.

He does appear to prioritise her in the sense that he will go to bed at the same time, as she wants him to lie with her whilst she goes to sleep. The older children just stay up with the grandparents.

I am worried he would use it against me, and it turn, my DD9 would be upset with me. Just trying to work out what is a healthy boundary and whether I need to get involved.

My DD is the golden child there, and we have had some recent struggles. I have different boundaries with screen time / helping around the house and I’ve been getting a lot of “I want to go to Dads” which is very upsetting.

He will use it against you, yes. So don't say anythign unless dd is starting to get uncomfortable.