Not coping with 11 year old dd.

[Burntoutwoman]

Hello, I'm a single mum to an 11 year old Dd. She started year 7 in September and I'm finding it all so stressful. I know starting secondary is a big transition from primary but she still acts the same as she did in primary and doesn't seem to accept that she needs to be more organised and responsible now. She doesn't check to make sure she has everything she needs for school and often forgets to take things like books, homework, water bottle etc. She never prepares her bag the night before and it's always a last minute rush in the morning. She loses things like her tie (luckily managed to get it back), lunch fob, and recently her PE bag; she sometimes leaves things behind at school like clothes, PE kit etc. She doesn't seem all bothered about doing homework and I have to make her do it. She puts little effort into it. Often homework sheets are crumpled, handwriting is messy and the homework is rushed.

I find her behaviour overall a real challenge. She disobeys me frequently and lies all the time without any sense of remorse. For example i don't allow her to eat in her room but she still does it and im constantly finding crumbs and sweet wrappers..She has a phone and I use Family Link to try to control the time she spends on it and what apps she can use, but as soon as I leave my phone unattended she alters the settings without telling me.

The other day I discovered she'd been looking up porn in Google searches, which I've caught her doing before.

I'm at my wits end. I'm so unhappy and stressed out all the time. At the weekend I broke down after yet another lie she told me. I sat there sobbing and yet she wasn't remotely bothered.

In the past I've found some of my jewellery in her jewellery box that she's taken, hoping i wouldn't notice. I can't trust her and worry she'll move onto stealing money from my purse. Punishments or threats of punishment such as no TV, taking her phone away or not letting her go out with friends seem to have no effect whatsoever.

She's an intelligent child and has been identified at school as 'more able" and the school provides opportunities to challenge and support those children, but i feel she's not interested and is wasting these opportunities and wasting her potential.

I just don't know what to do. I work full time and have a heavy workload. My dd rarely sees her dad, who lives 4 hours away. I have no support from family and don't really have any friends. I'm carrying all of this on my own.

I just feel my life is so shit, miserable and stressful. Clearly im not doing a good job at all parenting ny child when she behaves this way. I feel so bad for her too as she's has no siblings, no dad at home and only has me for company. We live in a rented house which is far too small for us and often feels cluttered. I struggle to keep on top of the housework.

She has friends in school and sometimes hangs out with them on weekends but rarely gets invited to their homes and hardly ever to birthday parties/events. She doesn't have any friends she's particularly close to and says she often feels left out. I would do anything to make her life better but im struggling so much, I don't know what I can do. I'm hoping we can have a dog soon, depending on my work situation, which i think would help both of us. We used to have a dog, who sadly passed away due to old age and they were like another family member and brought us a lot of joy.

For now though I could really do with some help/advice. Has anyone gone through similar to what I've described? How did you deal with it?

Thank you

Remove her phone for starters - she’s 11. Get her a brick phone. Put a PIN on your phone and don’t tell her what it is.

I didn’t want to read and run.

I think much of this is normal, it taking a while to get organised for school is not something that happened immediately, it can take years or until they’re an adult. I wouldn’t stress about it as long as you’re pushing the responsibility back onto her. It does sound like the mental load is falling to you and that feels hard so talk to her about what you will and won’t do anymore and then stick to your boundaries and let her face the consequences. In a way it sounds like you need a rest!

The phone thing is really normal that she will try to get round controls. As pp has said unless you can agree a compromise then it will have to be taken away. As hard as it is. If you have to constantly police it that is exhausting.

hVs you talked to her about porn? I think it is really normal for young people to be curious and look it up. The best thing you can do is have an open conversation about what it is and what it is not and the risks of looking for things online. There are loads of resources to help you have this conversation with her. It is best to show curiosity and non emotional response and talk openly about it rather than shut it down and make it an exciting secret thing. Does she have access to books on sex and puberty? It might be good for her and you to understand more about the changes she is going through.

and finally - pick your battles. She’s moving into teenager hood and you have many battles to come, maybe her eating in her bedroom just doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

it does sound like YOU need some rest and relaxation and I wonder how you can get that? It doesn’t have to be a mini break - just a massage or a walk in the park or whatever helps you feel more grounded.

Your daughter sounds exactly like my daughter who is now 15. We are currently going down the assessment for ADHD/ADD and hoping that might give us some strategies and support. It’s to do with the brain needing a dopamine hit.

Something I read is that you have to “love them through it” even when behaviour is challenging. That’s really important.

Can school help at all with friendships or ae there any activities she can do that might help?

And also - hang in there. Life sounds a bit tough at the moment but it will get better. Definitely try and find a small nice thing to do every so often so it doesn’t all feel
such hard work xx

Don't worry about her losing things, it's not something you can control. Let her feel the consequences of having incorrect uniform and equipment (she'll end up with detentions which should teach her not to keep losing stuff).

It's normal to have to make your kid do homework. Not all of them are conscientious at that age, not are they organised. It's normal for you to be the one to remind her about it and carry the mental load to some extent, she's a child and you're the adult here. Homework is something that as a parent you should be monitoring.

She CBA with school and hates homework, that's also totally normal. So long as she does it she won't get detention. Unless you become a very strict, almost to the point of being a control freak parent, you're not going to be able to force her to do her best to get good grades.

I'd pick your battles to some extent purely because you sound at breaking point and if you become incapacitated through poor mental health you'll be of no use to her at all. So maybe you need to let it go about grades and draw your line in the sand at showing up for school and just doing the homework.

If you feel like this for an extended period of time and can't shake it off, you've basically got two choices: alter your mindset and find a way to accept your lot in life and be happy despite the challenges or go on antidepressants to numb you out a bit and enable you to cope that way. The third option is to change your life but for a great many people that isn't an option at all.

If the benefits of dog ownership outweigh the extra work and expenses then definitely get another one. That's one way of adding in something positive to your lives. Also look at decluttering ruthlessly and try to get DD on board with that too. A cluttered home can be really stressful.

Have you spoken to her about her porn use to find out why she does it? Is it for kicks or is she looking for knowledge/education? Back when I was a teen in the 90s we'd all share our magazines that we'd bought with our own money without our parents knowledge, which weren't porn but were aimed at older teens and had articles about sex/ relationships amongst other things, and pass around novels if we found one that had sex scenes in it. The vast majority of us weren't sexually active before 16, it was purely curiosity. Maybe she just needs a magazine subscription and a library card.

I don't know if you're just having a bad day but you're coming across as if you've no control over any of this and there's nothing you can do. You sound a bit woe-is-me. Being a parent isn't always easy but you do have options. You can be more practical and proactive.

Keep your wallet in your pocket, buy a lockable jewellery box. There's a whole heap of difference between permanently borrowing jewellery she thinks you don't use any more and stealing cash out of your purse. I mean, she had the jewellery to wear, she didn't steal it to sell, did she 🤷

Your DD sounds as if she's struggling socially. Are there any extra curricular activities she could join, if you can afford it? People she has a shared interest with might work out better for her than just the people she's thrown together with at school just because they all happened to be the same age.

I think you’ve got loads of great advice. My DD got very chaotic and disorganised at the start of secondary. I think she got a bit overwhelmed. I put up a note on the door to remind us of all the things she needed and put in some non negotiables like packing bag night before and doing a homework check through each subject.

It sounds like things have become a bit of a battle between you. I’d focus on relationship building too like weekly rituals together of pizza and a movie or a hot chocolate after school. Just to chat.

Don’t let your mind jump ahead to linking jewellery borrowing with future crimes. My DD “borrows” my jewellery, my make up. Drives me mad but she has been doing it years and it’s very progressed to actual crime.

I bought her a dumb phone previously but she wouldn't use it as she thought her friends would make fun of her. Most of her friends have had iPhones or Androids for several years. My dd has been begging me for years to give her a phone, complaining she felt the odd one out from her friends and was missing out on chats via WhatsApp.

Where i live phones are a really big deal, all kids seem to have them from a young age and there's a lot of peer pressure.

I resisted giving her a smart phone until recently. I'd heard that in secondary most of the homework is done on a smartphone and that she needed one, so i gave her my old android on the strict condition I would have full control over its usage.

I thought Family Link would work ok but my dd keeps changing the settings. I have a pin on my phone but often when i put it down i forget to lock it and she seizes the opportunity to grab it and change the settings - giving herself more screen time and unblocking apps.

The other thing with family link is you cant block or limit the Google search engine which isn'thelpful. I recently blocked WhatsApp and advised her to contact friends via Google messages but all her friends use WhatsApp and she feels left out now by not having it. Most of her friends seem seem to have little or no restrictions on their phone use by their parents and she feels im treating her unfairly.

I'm considering taking her phone off her completely she can do homework on my phone, at least until she's older. It'll no doubt cause arguments and I expect she'll keep on at me to try to change my mind.

I'm torn as of course I want to keep her safe and i know the harm phones can do but at the same time i don't want to to be excluded from her friends when she already feels left out.

Thank you all for your brilliant advice. It's been really helpful to get read about your experiences and get your perspectives. Sometimes when your're on your own, you can't see the wood through the trees

After school today my daughter and I agreed on an after school routine - snack, get changed, tidy room, rest, homework, prepare bag and clothes for tomorrow then relax for the rest of the evening. It worked really well, there were no arguments, we were both more relaxed and I think my dd liked having that routine, despite an initial grumble.

It's early days but I'm hoping that having a set before and after school routine will help us both.

I definitely feel like I need a break though. I'm so tired all the time and don't sleep well. I've slipped into a depression and will go back on anti depressants after coming off them for a while.

The house gets me down a lot. I'd desperately love to be able to buy a home rather than rent and the thought of never owning my own home weighs heavily on me. I don't feel any love or attachment to the house I live in. I earn a decent salary and am saving for a deposit but due to my age and not having a permanent job I don't think it'll be possible. I think this is a big contributing factor to how low I've been feeling.

Sorry to be so negative. I am feeling sorry for myself and need to snap out of it or things will never improve.

That sounds really positive OP. A morning and evening routine is something she'll need in adulthood too, to not be a chaotic person who's always chasing her own tail. So it's life skills really. Maybe the loss of the dog meant you both lost your routine a bit and then a change of school would have thrown everything up in the air too, so I hope the new routine helps.

I don't have an answer to the phone situation, far more people use messaging apps than text messages nowadays, so she will be socially isolated to an extent without a phone.

On the whole I think SMS text messages (which is what Google messages app is) is just used by older generations now.

Although there's a growing band of younger people who are turning away from smartphones and back to dumb phones to combat phone addiction and social media taking over their lives. But I think this is the minority and it's people in their late teens and 20s. It's a bit like the phone equivalent of being vegan - it's common and mainstream, but most aren't doing it.

Can you see what webpages she's been on using the phone carrier's own monitoring on your online account? Whatever your phone plan there's usually an online account you can sign up for and some of them provide a record of all webpages visited, so you could monitor the phone for porn use and could make it a condition of her having a phone that she doesn't access porn on it. I'm unsure if it logs what's been accessed over WiFi or just what's been used in the data plan.

Although if she's tech savvy she might know to hide her browser searches using incognito mode and I don't know whether those are recorded by the carrier or not. I'm not talking about the Google Chrome browser history which she can easily delete, but the actual phone company like O2 or Vodafone etc and what they monitor/log.

Or you might be able to monitor her internet use through your Google account. If it's your account that's signed in on the phone not her own, you can set it so it logs all the browser history and YouTube history onto your Google account itself which you can view on any device. You can also see if she's signed out of your Google account on her phone, by looking at your Google account on your phone (so if she was signing in under her own account to search porn, you wouldn't see it, but you'd see that she'd signed out of your account because that phone wouldn't be listed as a currently connected device). Unless you deliberately turn all those types of settings off, Google itself is monitoring by default an awful lot of what we do on our phones, which I dislike on principle, but perhaps you can use it to your advantage here.

It's reasonable though to just say she's proved she's too young to use a phone responsibly by previous porn use and changing settings you've set etc. and just remove it, leaving her with a dumb phone or nothing. There's ways of fostering friendships other than allowing her to join the masses glued to their phones 24/7. She's naturally going to want to because she wants to fit in, it's everything at that age, especially when joining a new school. But children of strict parents don't have to grow up friendless and without social skills, so long as they're getting those things from somewhere, you just might have to make more effort and accept it'll cost more to give her those opportunities. People default to phones and online based friendships because it's easy, but if as a parent you want to do things differently don't feel bad about that, even though she'll kick back against it.

Don't take it personally either. Her "job" as a child is to push boundaries to find out where they are, to learn to negotiate ever increasing amounts of age-appropriate freedom and eventually to break away from parental control altogether as she enters adulthood.

Your job as parent is to absorb those metaphorical blows from her (you can't avoid them without eliminating all boundaries and that wouldn't be healthy for her or you. Nor is it healthy to have a child who doesn't say boo to a goose and does exactly as she's told at all times, without question - children like that are ill equipped for adult life and the cutthroat ruthlessness of some others they'll encounter) and guide her safely into adulthood, teaching her all the skills she'll need once she arrives there. It's not supposed to be a super smooth journey, there's supposed to be bumps in the road to navigate.

(For context i have had similar issues with my 11yr old son)
So to start I'd say be kind to yourself. You are not failing as a parent, you are providing and complete safe environment and keeping her clean, fed and watered and loving her unconditionally, be proud!!!
But mentally you're both trying to navigate and understand the changes and eachothers boundaries.
Simple things to make things calmer-
•Put a screen lock on your phone
•Let her eat in her room = both get needed calm time alone for set duration.
•Don't tell her off for the porn - its good opportunity to lighthearted talk about sex and the silly extrem things on screen while giving her sound advice.
•Look into ADHD diagnosis - 'Right to choose' pathway. Many of the things you describe are lack of dopamine and she's literally trying to regulate her system.
•Don't take her not appearing to care literally - inside she could care so much but hasn't the emotional capacity to show and sticks to her usual nonchalant behaviour as it's worked before and she knows the response from you.

These are just things im coming to learn with about my son and also myself. Ive just had diagnosis of Inattentive adhd after years of scrutinising my own mind.
This has only come as my son is in the process of ADHD investigation.

Sometimes we are wired differently and its just learning to make these adjustments to see each of your boundaries and working with that to build a better parental structure for your ever challenging daughter in a world ment for the normal.

Main thing is to take the entire blame off of yourself. Best of luck