How much support do you get from your child's father?

[MummyJules]

Just wondered how much support, if any you get from your childs father? I've been split up from my ex for over 2 1/2 years and have one daughter with him who is 5. I struggle continuously with the lack of financial and general support from him and just would be interested to find out what the norm is....

Prettyfly:

I had contact, not money in mind; obviously there is no bearing between the two.

I know fathers who have been totally and permanent excluded from their children's lives in terms of contact; all of the ones I know continue to contribute financially.

Obviously there are NRPs who don't do this.

Also, you say `there are many ways access can be arranged without any involvement with the other parent at all'.

True. But I am talking about contact a child - not involvement with an xp. involvement. In my situation I never see my ex at all - she sends my exMIL to hand my son over.

I feel a living bereavement. I didn't choose it. I missed my son's first words, first steps, his first birthday, time with him on my first Father's Day as a dad. For a long time I hid all the pictures I had of him because I couldn't face looking at them - and I felt guilty for that, too. I'm not saying this to elicit sympathy - my ex chose to be a single mother, albeit one that lives with her parents and regards her own mother as a `second mum' to my son.

detoxdiva - I may able to help your dh; if you're interested, send me a private message.

SLEEPYCAT your dd was quite young when you got with your DH wasn't she? Has she always called him daddy? Does she know he's not her "real" daddy?

lost - like i said i respect and understand your situation - however it is the sad trut that you are in the minority - and as unfortunate as it is raising a child does include financial, emotional and physical factors.

i am a single parent with no support and as a result i missed my sons first words, first steps and first smile. i had to work. i am not bereaved. i make the very best of what time i have with him as opposed to what i miss out on. i wont say it doesnt hurt but its the situation i am in and i make the best of it. i grieve that my son does not have any father and really cannot understand the point of view that says if yuo cant be there all the time you dont want to be there at all.

I dont know that much about your story but technically i chose single parent hood, my sons dad came back and bullied us both to the point i nearly had a breakdown. i felt that especially as i was totally independent anyway i would rather stop any more damage and allow my son to choose whether or not to see his father when he was old enough to make the decision himself. i effectively chose to make him a living bereavement myself. I feel for you but you still see your son. would it not be better to make the most of that - be the best dad you can be and let him see the truth as he grows up? just an opinion

My ds see's his dad once or twice a year. He has grandparnts he see's a handful of times, an aunt, uncle and cousin who are 15 mins away who havn't bothered to send him so much as a birthday card in 4 years. I get no support of him or his family apart from a bit of money. I can phone his dad and he will help if I need it as long as he is not busy or it will only take a short time. I can phone his mum, she used to babysit but ds doesn't like staying overnight and she won't have him here. The last time she had him here she went through my notice board and stole letters ds had written to his dad, posting them without asking.

None what so ever! None when we were together and none now!!! Hes totoally usless and hasnt a clue,...so better off without him although i do struggle money wise.

lost dad i agree completely and i do feel for you. your situation is easily as frustrating as any of ours. obviously there must be reasons why she doesnt want you to see him which only you two know but ultimately the only victim is your child and thats sad. a dad who loves and provides for his child should never ever be shunned like that. there are two sides to every story and like i said it is a sad fact that you are in the minority. if she isnt preparedto accept your role as a parent she should not take your money quite frankly but thats another topic.

this thread is actually quite sad. is there ever a good solution where an amicable split occurs and things are worked out for the best of all concerned?

and i would just like to say lost dad dont give up. in the same way that my child will one day know the truth so will yours. keep fighting and one day you will be able to look your child in the face and say i never stopped loving you and i never gave up.

Financially, absolutely nothing as we share DS's care equally. However I keep the tax credits as I pay 70% of the CM fees.

Morally, it's been working fine, I've even been able to go on hols on my own for a week.

and I REALLY needed that!!

Interesting thread - i'm 14 weeks pregnant, unplanned, daddy wants me to have an abortion, not just wants, insists. I'm not going to do this. He can't accept this.

I'm just wondering whether he will ever come round to this and how this is all going to turn out. We've only been together for 6 months and it turns out i've been pregnant for three of them, he thinks it's far too soon to have a baby and I need to terminate it so we can carry on with our relationship and think about having babies in the future. But I just can't kill my own flesh and blood.

He hasn't given me any indication of what involvment he would like to have, if any, when our baby is actually born, he seems to be refusing to even think about it. I'm just waiting until we can talk about it without him blowing his top and accusing me of getting pregnant on pupose and ruining his life to get some idea of what he wants to do with our baby.

i am a single mum with four boys,all different fathers.im not an idiot,just a trusting being with self-esteem issues.i get a paltry 20pounds a month csa from one dad who i know for a fact(but can't prove)that this dad is working cash-in-hand..my son doesn't see him-his choice-as he is an alchoholic bully...my real issue is with my youngest son who is 7,brainwashed with resentment towards me..his father is a hypocondriac who claims incap.ben&dla yet manages to sail at tha sailing club,run a car&ride a huge motorbike yet still insists i give him a tenner every friday when he collects his son from school to have him for tha weekend..this is wrong,is it not?he puts down my parenting at every opportunity..ive even told tha csa that we make our'own arrangements'just to keep him sweet,and it does,just to avoid even more impossible-to-undo head-twisting he puts on his son.i'm goin to write him a letter&post it on monday telling him i can't pay him anymore so hopefully he'll have done all his screaming&abuse&got over it by tha time he picks our son up on friday.how mnany times have i heard tha excuse(in a whingey voice)'yeah,but you get all tha benefits',as well i do but its hardly enough to decently look after 4 boys age 17,14,10&7.fuckin wankers,tha lot of themi know a few dads who are desperate to provide&be there for their kids..thats bloody not rite either.

i meant my kids dad's are wankers.years of bull&blaming myself for breeding with those men in tha first place.and just as angry for tha good men who want to be there for their kids but aren't allowed

Any mum out there bored at home?

sorry posted this on the wrong thread

My ex-husband and I split 1 year ago. He pays every week - more than the CSA would ever calculate that he should - and has our DS every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night. He'd also step in for additional time whenever I need.

Our mantra, no matter what else is going on, is always 'whatever we do, it has to be best for DS'

God Lostdad when I read about people like you I feel so sad.

I could shake my ex-dh until his teeth rattled with the way he is. I told him when he walked out on us that despite what he had done he could see dts whenever he wanted to as long as he gave me enough notice (I'm talking a couple of days.) Of course ex-dh moved in with his bidey-in, had a baby straight off and only sees dts occassionally. He complained that he didn't see them enough, I presume he tells everyone that to paint me in a bad light. I once again explained that he could see them when he liked.

He quit his job to avoid paying the CSA. He buys nothing, pays for nothing.

The worst thing is that at 6 1/2, although I have warned everyone not to bad-mouth their father near them, the dts know. It is heartbreaking he has let them down so much. I wish all dads were like you Lostdad. The children should never be allowed to be used by one parent against another for any reason.

Well i am fairly lucky my ex sees our boy a lot and pays regularly too, and gives support emotionally when needed, ideas and suggestions too. Just as well as got no close relatives so grateful for it.

I don't like to rely on too much emotional support but it's been handy in recent months as have moved to new part of England (new to me!) i.e. midlands and don't know many people here, and am also seeking employment so glad he is about to talk at the mo!

On the other hand we do have our tiffs and he can get rather critical and meddlesome at times so have to tone it down at times!

I get nothing from DD's dad. No money, no communication, no support, no interest, nothing.

His parents have her to stay approx. 4 times a year for a few days, and while she is there they arrange for her to see him (if he can be bothered/has nothing better to do).

He left us when she was 2 (now 5.6) to live with a 17 year old who he almost immediately got pregnant. He now has three children with three women, none of whom he lives with or suports in any way. He refuses to give me a phone number for him, so I cannot contact him at all.

Two years ago we went to Mediation at my insistence, to arrange regular access. I wanted every other weekend (we live 60 miles apart) - he said it was too much for him to manage and we settled on one long weekend a month. He stuck to it for two months then stopped bothering. We agreed to discuss all matters regarding her education, health, wellbeing etc, which I am more than happy to do but as he has refused consistently to give me his phone number I can't. He has mine but has not phoned in 18 months.

DD makes cards for him for every Christmas/birthday/Father's Day and we send them.

What more can I do, lostdad? I hardly think I am standing in the way of his relationship with DD, and I also know that my story is far from uncommon.

Ah yes and he refuses to work or claim benefits as he finds the idea of paying maintainance so distasteful.

Exp pays £300 pm, which may sound good, but her childcare fees are £400, so work that one out.

He sees DD alot, Usually has 2 overnights a week and one full weekend a month plus occasional holiday. Is also willing to have her at short notice and whenever I've something planned. He is able to be so flexible as he has a willing network of support via gf's family- a luxury I do not have. Exp would, in fact, have DD from me full time in an instant if I let him.

Realise I am in a much better position than many on here, and I feel for you .

You can lead a horse to water AnarchyAunt, but you can't make it drink.

A father doing what you're describing makes the situation of fathers like me that much difficult...and annoying. Believe me, I'd have words with your ex if I ever bumped into him.

My job this week: Being told by my son's health authority that I need my ex's permission to know what doctor's surgery he's registed at. I think not. If they don't play ball, I'll be writing to their solicitors asking to remind them on the implications of the 1989 Children's Act and how PR relates to it. Really shouldn't have to fight with the world just to be an involved parent...

none, never had a penny or any support. But it is ok.

No maintenence, no contact since dd was 2. This however was ordered by the courts as he harmed dd at a supervised contact session.

Dd is aware that it was just the two of us until i met partner when she was three. She calls him by his first name but writes daddy in cards or emails etc.

The only memory she has that is related to her bio father is of being fished out of a lake by a stranger as her bio father had left her on her own and wandered off to smoke a joint. She was just 2 when this happened. She came home soaked through with a bloody nose and a bruise across her forehead where he had then put her in the car on his lap with no seatbelt and driven off with her. It appears there was some sort of low speed collision which is when dd got hurt.

His parents were supposed to be supervising that visit, they lied through their back teeth until the police came through with cctv showing that they had left dd's bio father with her alone whilst they went home. (almost 20 miles away)

Dd's bio father was later reported as a missing person, next yr he will have been missing long enough to be declared dead.

I get no support whatsoever. Haven't had any contact with xp since the day after I told him I was pregnant, I was 22 he was 34.

I contacted xp after ds was born hoping that he'd want some form of contact, even sent him new address when we moved. There was someone knocked on a neighbours door asking where I lived about 10 mths after we moved in but have no proof it was him. There's been no other attempt to make contact. Ds is now 5.

It took CSA more than 3yrs to track xp down even though i'd given his address & where he worked. Xp started paying small amount of maintainence in sept '06 but appears to have got fed up of that as I haven't had a penny since April this yr.

I don't see my son as xp's anymore he's mine but if ds asks any questions I try to answer him as honestly as possible without being nasty about his father. You never know one day xp may grow up & want to play a part in ds's life!