How much support do you get from your child's father?

[MummyJules]

Just wondered how much support, if any you get from your childs father? I've been split up from my ex for over 2 1/2 years and have one daughter with him who is 5. I struggle continuously with the lack of financial and general support from him and just would be interested to find out what the norm is....

support? support? {curls in corner laughing hysterically}

my ex turns up every 4 weeks only because i've forced him into it to pick up DS and show him off to his mates. then he brings him back tired out, often having forgotten to change his nappy or give him anything to drink, and having given him crap to eat which sends him crazy.

yes i know i have to let him parent in his own way!!!!

No support, no cash, zilch he dont want to know, Dd not seen him since 2000 all that after 6 children and 21 years of marriage, some of the older ones contact him now and again but no real relationship.

Can I offer a male perspective here?

Having been excluded by my ex for so long, I didn't feel like a `proper parent' - even though from the day he had been born, I cared for my son as much as my ex did. When he was allowed to see me (well, the court ordered it) I felt nervous for quite a while - all the accusations, all the nasty comments, etc. made me feel useless.

Even before she left, my ex made it clear that whatever I did wasn't good enough where my son was concerned. She sniped, criticised, complained, etc. so in the end the action I could take to cause the least amount of friction between us was to let her get on with it. This went against all of my instincts as all the men in my family are very `hands on'. What I did, I did because I thought it would reassure my ex, even though it went against my better judgement.

I know lots of people here say their ex's are useless and have pointed out various scenarios to prove this - but have you heard the phrase give a dog a bad name?' Is it any wonder that some dads are usless' when their every action is scrutinised? If you know someone is gunning for you, the easiest option is to present the smallest target possible to minimise the inevitable criticism you know you will face.

Personally, before I hand my son back I check and recheck that everything is `OK' where he is concerned because if I don't....well, it will and has been used in court against me.

This post isn't a dig at anyone here - just my point of view as a father.

ah but the difference there lostdad is that you obviously WANT to be a father to your son, even going as far as going to court to get access.

most of the ex's of those who have posted here dont give a damn about their kids despite being given every opportunity to be a father.

i dont think you are the sort of father who would turn round and say he cannot afford to support his child financially and then book himself on a luxury sailing holiday one month and then two weeks ski-ing the next.

i wish my ex had half of the attitude you have.

Lostdad I asked my Exh if he wanted to be a dad and have contact with Dd, take her for weekends etc, he said no not so much give a dog a bad name, more calling a twat a twat dont you agree??

I've never received a thing from DD's father. He's never met her (she's now seven). No contact at all until about two months ago when I bit the bullet and called him (same mobile number from 2000!). Said he'd be "interested" to meet DD, but didn't want to f* her head up. Oh, and he hasn't any money apparently, so not to ask for any.

A couple of weeks went by, got a call from him asking for a DNA test. We'd already had a DNA test done through the CSA which showed 99.999% that he's her father. Apparently he couldn't understand why the figure wasn't 100% (clearly hadn't occurred to him that he could have an identical twin brother). And he doesn't "trust" the CSA - they're too corrupt according to him. So, waiting for him to organise another test (he's welcome to pay for it - I've insisted on meeting him in person to do it as I don't trust him at all).

Get lots of support from friends and family. DD is curious to meet her father and has seen photos of him on facebook, but has never been especially bothered that he's not a part of her life.

I think that getting back in touch with him has put my mind at rest that he's still an idiot, despite now being close to 31 (I was 18 when I got pregnant with DD, he was 25).

Sorry for rambling message!

Nothing, he hasn't seen them since March, at his nephews birthday party and that was only because his Sister asked if she could have them.
He only ever paid me twice, and I think he actually turned up to see them on an arranged time about twice as well, every other time he didn't turn up, or cancelled or was a few hours late and then would bring them back a few hours early (think agreement to pick them up at 9am, and bring back at 6pm, he'd turn up at 1pm and drop them off at 4pm so he could get home in time to go out).

Lostdad. I don't care what anyone says, nothing in this world would ever make me let my children down, or not do everything I possibly could to see them as often as possible. I don't care how much criticism I get, how much anyone snipes, I've had XP say all sorts of terrible things, had threats of him taking me to court to get custody and using my PND with DD as proof that I was unstable and allsorts.

IMO, 'Give a dog a bad name' is an excuse.

What I mean by that phrase VS is that if anyone is told they are useless enough they sometimes begin to believe it.

I am pretty sure that there are more than a few people who can identify it - some of the threads show this to be the case. You being to wonder if there is something in it.

Maybe, lostdad, maybe some people do start to believe they are crap parents and therefore don't do as much as they should, But I genuinely believe there is a desire in most parent's hearts that cannot be hidden because of someone with obvious ulterior motives slagging off their attempts at parenthood.

Sadly, I don't think all parents have that desire, be it a mother or a father, and that is what most of us, yourself included I would presume, cannot understand.

By fighting for your child you have proven that even the supposed self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuated by your XP was fallible.

Maybe...but I often feel like giving up. And I do know good parents who have done so as as result of bad health and failed relationships caused by the fight for their children. Some of them end up thinking that if they have the choice between paying a token role in their kids' life and being dead the former is preferable.

`Living bereavement' is the phrase used - and that is definitely what it is. Not just for me - my entire family as well.

Lostdad, I dont agree, how can someone that puts anything between them and their children be a good parent?
As for bad health and failed relationships, I'd prefer to be terminally ill and single til I died than away from my children.

I'd agree that a good parent would do anything for their kids; not that they should have to fight for their child's right to have a parent though.

But like I said before - is a parent who has killed themselves fighting for their kids better than one who has stepped back because they can see the harm it may be doing to the child or because they believe that they will at least be around for the child when he or she is old enough to make his own mind up?

I resent having to spend time, money and energy simply to fulfill the role of a father - which I could and should be spending on working with my for my son's benefit.

I resent having to prove that I am a good parent - guilty until proven innocent and all that. I don't want thanks, I don't want anyone telling me how good I am, I don't want anything but to be a `normal dad' to my son because it his right.

All things said (and I am more than aware that `the grass is always greener) - I would rather be in the position of being a single RP than a NRP. It is a living bereavement and has in the past left me feeling suicidal.

MumtoPhoebeboo - do you have a new dp that acts as a father figure to dd? i am worried that the lack of a father figure will somehow damage ds as he grows up. i am probably being a bit paranoid though. how old was she when you told her about her daddy/when she started asking questions? did something like going to nursery/school trigger any curiosity off?

lostdad- I have a friend that sounds like in a similar situation to you and I understand it tough and would like to say I wish my childrens father was half the dad you sound and hang in there. His daughters are now in thier teens and see what their mother is really like, using them and lying about their father, and they want to live with him now.
There is a lot of stereotyping and its not fair. There is a lot of dads out there who dont desevre to be dads and they give all dads seperated from there children a bad name. There is also alot women who use thier children to get back at thier partners and it gives mums who are trying to protect they children a bad name too. I feel very aware of it and feel I have to explain to people why I am in the middle of going to court with thier father, due to his neglect of them. As I dont wont people to judge me as one of those mums who are punishing thier ex with the children, those mums have done alot of damage. Anyway I will get of my soapbox. But if you love your kids and have thier best interest at heart they will see that at the end of the day, hang in there

Lostdad - I would rather be in the position of being a single RP than a NRP - I can not imagine not having my children living with me, and I can not understand how my ex could walk away from them. BUT much as I think they should see him (and do) I would disappear before I would let him be the RP. Not because I don't think he could, but because I couldn't bear it.
I obviously don't know the ins and outs of your situation, or the other side, but your problems seem just as unfair (to the child) as that of a dad who doesn't make the effort.
I wish my ex hadn't left, but he is my children's parent, I will do everything in my power to ensure they have a good relationship (within the boundary of me being the RP), luckily he appears to feel the same.

I get plenty of money but no physical or emotional support which in my POV is worth more.
I cannot further my career (which would help my family financially) as cant go on courses or stay late cos exH lives 3 hrs away.
This entire school yr (Sept including summer hols) he has them for 2 weeks. I have had to cover 2 half terms, easter, and 5 out of 6 in summer holidays. His attitude is "I dont want them in Feb as weather is crap so stick them in holiday club"
Fortunately my parents live nearby and help me out when they can. THEY are my support network....

none. nada, zip, zilch and niente. nothing. other then told how little he cares for my son and how he doesnt feel bonded too him. I gave him every chance to be there and he never ever has been. oh and he likes to tell me he resents our beautiful ds for being born when he didnt want him.

lost dad - what is more damaging - a fight between the parents or the belief of that child that one parent didnt want them. also i am interested to know in the men who leave over these circumstances - do they have provisions for the child elsewhere. i.e if a man felt he really couldnt be around the child because of the fighting with the mum is he still providing support financially. or does he have a savings account put aside for the child. not making it all about money but when a woman is left entirely alone to raise a child two adults consented to bring into the world i can see no justification whatsoever to choose "living bereavement".

sorry and i respect that you are still trying but it just sounds like an intellectual argument for a weak cop out to me. there are many ways access can be arranged without any involvement with the other parent at all. and many ways to show you care without being there. anything else is just being an absent parent. no excuses are there for which.

rant over.

"I don't know a single mother who has actively stopped her ex from seeing the dcs"

Sadly I can identify completely with lostdad - my dh has no contact with his dd since his ex moved 100's of miles away and refuses to adhere to the contact order that they have for his access to her. Sadly we are not in a position financially to continue to pursue her through the courts to enforce the order, neither does my dh wish to put his 8yo dd through many months of court action and CAFCASS interviews.

There is no reason for dh's ex to not want him to be part of her life, and while it is easy to post comments on here about how you would never give up on seeing your children, being a 5 hour drive away from them and not being able to see let alone speak to them does make things somewhat difficult for the most well meaning, dedicated of fathers.

There are good dads out there as well as the shit ones.. Through mumsnet I have really realised how lucky I am in my XH. We have been separated for 5 years now, at my instigation, and we still have a joint bank account. He pays my mortgage and all household expenses. I do some part time work and can save most of the money from that. He lives in our old house with his girlfriend (who he got together with after we split); the kids spend one weekend a fortnight with them, and 2 weeks in the summer hols; he also has them for the odd week or extra weekend if I'm going away.

However, I still can't develop my career properly as he travels extensively for work and is often abroad for weeks at a time. As the kids get older, I'll be able to work more, and by the time they leave home and he stops supporting me, I hope to be self-supporting. Also, he has little involvement in their school life and I don't get much emotional support from him - my eldest has special needs and he tries to ignore it as much as he can..

My DP split with his wife when his kids were 5 and 2 - they are now 15 and 12. He sees them once a fortnight and takes them on holiday, and also pays maintenance for them and his XW. His ex GF used to play up about how much money he gave his family, apparently.. and tried to stop his kids spending so much time at their house, although she was also a single parent and should have understood how important it was for both him and his kids. He stood up to her though and didn't waver.

I really feel for those of you having to manage without any financial or emotional support at all - I don't know how you do it. I admire you. Your kids will know though who is the person who really cares.

Loads. Ds dad is in fact sitting in the other room right now doing some work (he had a meeting over our side of town which finished early) and while I would sort of rather have had the afternoon to myself he is such a good dad in other ways that I cannot bitch.
He sees DS at least twice a week, looks after him when I want to go out either for business or pleasure and bungs us some cash (we have an unofficial arrangement due to both of us working slightly erratic hours.shifts etc).

But our good luck is to have not been a couple when DS was concieved, but old pals so there has been no bitterness or sexual jealousy.

i have 2 children from 2 dads.

Both are excellent dads, the first pays me £300 a month and visits dd without fail every 2 weeks.

The second (my ex dh now) is an amazing father, his son is really his whole world. He pays our whole mortgage (£800 a month) plus pays for my car which was on credit (£150 a month) and also pays for any of ds' shoes or days out/holidays abroad etc. He is strugglng for money himself so i know how much he does to help us out.

i couldnt ask for better really. But when i got with them both i knew they would be responsible dads and not the sort to shirk away from their responsibilities.