How are people doing this every day?

[ChocolateCups]

Im utterly exhausted and barely coping? Tell me how you are all doing it every day as every single mum I speak to says it’s easy and they love doing it alone. Where am I going wrong im barely surviving

How old is your dc? Which bit are you finding exhausting?
Mental load?
Domestic stuff?
Dealing with a non-sleeping baby or an endlessly active toddler?
Trying to work full time while being a full time parent with no help?

It takes time to get into a routine that works for you. Plus a supportive boss, good childcare and a healthy dose of luck. Don't imagine for a second you are the only one struggling.

You are not crazy. Doing it alone (really alone), is hard in every way. In the moment, and it builds over time. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting living in a way where everything is for you to do, and noone cares how you are, what you are thinking about, what your feelings are about anything, there's is no one to listen to you or care, and you are needing to work in one way or another all the time. It isn't a recipe for good mental health, but IME society doesn't care. And if the answer that you are given on hers, is for you to think about more things you can do, to help yourself, I don't find that helpful because it just reinforces the view that it's all on you.

It gets easier.

My DH passed away when my kids were 4 and 6, so on their way to being a bit more independent. It was sudden and these first two years were really tough. I’m not as maternal as I thought I’d be before kids and the loss of our main financial source as well as the emotional loss made for some big decisions and changes in our lives. Day by day, ask for help, and it will get better.

I’m 10 years in and wish I could say it hasn’t. It hasn’t got any easier.

What exactly are you struggling with? If you have a child under 5, you could contact HomeStart and get a volunteer to support you.

How exhausting it is. No children under 5.

It’s been 10 years so not early days, it’s how tiring and exhausting it all is.

Im sorry to hear that. Sadly there is no one to help I don’t have anyone that can or will help.

Parenting is exhausting and relentless, I’m not a single parent so my only insight is when DH works away for months at a time.

Mine are 7 and nearly 11, it’s nowhere near as physically draining as it was but emotionally it’s a lot with hormones, their friendship issues etc.

It definitely feels easier than when they were babies for us but I appreciate not all kids are the same.

How old are you? At that age it wasn’t exhausting - hectic yes and the occasional complete collapse but not permanently exhausting

are you trying to be too perfect?
are you eating well?
have you got hormone ( menopause) starting off?

They are 14 13 12 and 9 not trying to be perfect at all house is a tip cant keep up with the work, barely getting them to school on time exhausted every single day cooking cleaning doing everything for everyone and never getting a single day off. Yes im exhausted. They’ve never spent a single night away from me.

Being exhausted all the time is NOT normal

do you eat well? Drink? Iron levels checked? Menopausal?

all things that can be fixed

And those ages you don’t do everything for everyone - when you have the energy you need to push them to independence - they can get themselves to school ( unless in England where you have to take the 9 year old I think?)

They need to learn to cook - by now the 13 and 14 year old should do one meal a week with the others cleaning up. They clear their own rooms. There is a rotating of chores - bins, dishes, sorting laundry , vacuum cleaning, they each change their own sheets

doctor first

Goodness, you have four. No wonder you are exhausted.

I think it's time to invoke teamwork. Allocate tasks to all your dcs. Have half an hour when you all get in from school, where they all have a task to do, whether that is collecting washing and bringing it downstairs or emptying the dishwasher.

Roll on the Easter holidays !!

Never having a break is hard but at 14, 13, 12 and 9 if they’re not doing things around the house then you’re enabling them. Especially the older ones!

Its a trap parents fall into, it seems easier when they’re little to just do things for them but it never teaches them to do things for themselves and then when they’re older and able they just think they don’t have to. Time to get the elder ones helping for sure, even at 9 your youngest can sort their own uniforms, school bags, make packed lunches if they have them etc.

It is when you have 4 kids full time and never get a break

The 9 year old needs to be taken to school and will be until she leaves primary as it’s a bus ride away. The 12 year old also requires taking to school and collecting due to anxiety.

I make them help on the weekends with cleaning but was told I was wrong for that on mumsnet and that they should be able to enjoy their weekends without being expected to clean up. The weekends is the only real time I get to do a proper clean.

Well I must be a neglectful horror the because my kids clean up at the weekend and during the week. They live in the house and need to have some level of responsibility. They also need to learn how to care for themselves and their surroundings, so cleaning bedrooms, bathrooms, doing laundry are all on their list.

This.

They should be doing those things as a matter of course.
If you’re doing all that, you are babying them.

Even if the meal they make is beans on toast. They are learning and you are resting.

Do ask for your iron levels to be checked. Low iron will cause constant exhaustion.

No tips, just sympathy.

You're not only exhausted from doing it all on your own but having so many so close together, you must be completely shattered from the last ten or so years.

Can you insist on at least two evenings to yourself? They cook dinner/ wash up/ leave tou in peace to watch what you want and not ask you for anything? Are you getting enough sleep ?

Youve got 4 children! Youd probably be exhausted even if you had a supportive partner

People on MN say all sorts of things /

However I am surprised everyone said that the kids should not have chores at the weekend - do you feel slightly guilty an so you noticed those posts more than the (IMHO) reasonable ones that suggest lots of free time but some chores ? If

Your DC should all be helping you especially if there is 4 of them. DD is 18 now but has been doing the dishwasher for years. She also puts the rubbish out and will cook 1 meal a week.

Sit down with all of them and find them age appropriate jobs, and rotate some if there is a job that nobody wants. They are all old enough to be making packed lunches, doing laundry and cleaning and tidying up after themselves.