DS10 doesnt want me to date

[QuaintPearlNewt]

As the title says.

Long story which I'll try and keep brief.

Officially single for 13 months now but had been in a manipulative relationship for 6 years where I felt single while he was having his affair. (Prior to the affair he was a hands on dad).

My ex hasnt had contact with our son since the final split, so it's just been us.

I want to date but my son is dead against it. He gets so worked up, proper sobbing.

I have casually secretly dated but now I've met someone I really like who could be long term.

On one hand I want to just tell my son that it's not his decision but on the other I cant stand to cause him so much upset.

I also know parents that have lost contact with their child/ren from not listening to the feelings regarding a new partner.

I honestly dont know what to do.
My ex is living his best life with his girlfriend and I'm a solo parent who wants a partner, not just for me but I want my son to have a good male role model in his life.

How/why are you getting you ten year old son involved in this?!

Are you talking to him about your dating/love life?

I think it's fine to continuing dating this guy, he doesn't need to move in with you or come on holiday with you or anything like that. You continue to keep the relationship separate to your child for the time being. You want a boyfriend but your son doesn't necessarily want a "new dad" so just keep these compartmentalized for the time being and see how things progress.

To be honest I would continue to quietly see this guy and give it a good long time (I mean months, I’m not someone who’s gonna be here telling you you shouldn’t introduce him to your son until he’s 38).

kids change a lot at that age and in another few months time your son may feel more able to engage with the idea of meeting this man. In the meantime it might be worth trying to work out what it is about you dating which is upsetting him.

I think the OP is in a particularly tricky situation. It’s quite easy to date as a single parent when the kids have another parent involved in their lives. However if you are truly raising your child on your own without any opportunity to have time without kids .. then it’s really fucking hard and next to impossible not for the children to find out ! How do you go on a date never mind actually have an entire night with your boyfriend with a 10 year old at home ?
Not easy OP.
To a degree I think you need to ignore the weeping and wailing. If dad is definitely not going to step up and have him a minimum of EOW then you are just going to have to introduce him as a friend and do lots of child friendly activities together until he gets used to him.

Should have made my post less brief!

I have pretty much zero childcare so when I've been casually dating, it's been when I've had a day off of work, or hes been at a friend's. I can count on one hand the number of times I've left him to go out.

His dad lied to him and it's something I've always promised I wouldn't do. My son has always trusted me and I feel that if he knew I was dating it would have made things easier for me to get out to actually date.

I have no experience in this, I didnt realise there was a right and wrong way. My best friend told her children of similar age and they accepted it.

To add.....

I just thought that if he knew it meant I could get out and it would make things easier.

I have no intention of introducing them, and the guy I'm dating feels the same about not introducing me to his kids yet. Difference is is that I'm a SOLO parent and he has his kids 50/50.

My son hates me leaving him, steming from his dad leaving him for someone else, and he worries he wont be as important to me if there'sa man in my life.

I've not been a single parent before. Haven't dated for 20 years! All new territory and it's scary and confusing.
I have no family to help either, just a next door neighbour to sit with him.

He’s 10. Ask him why he doesn’t want you to date and listen to him. Worried about a man or new partner taking you away - discuss growing up and him making friends and needing you ‘less’ in person but that you are always there. Talk about that he needs his own friendships and you want to have adult friendships of your own - being fair so you both have age appropriate relationships. Explain you want to and need to have a loving adult relationship with someone nice and this is your home for him when he is an adult. Talk about boundaries and respect. Children get a say in family life but they don’t control it.

mine wanted me to date and we very very keen (too keen !!) to want to meet them.

It Is not good for any child to call all the shots. Stable home life and not moving in a new partner - I agree with that.

But controlling your right to have an adult relationship no.

13 months is nothing to a kid. Their family unit has broken down and it’s a huge thing for them to adjust to.

My ex introduced a new girlfriend (or as he immediately insisted on calling her, “new partner”) to our kids after we’d been separated two years. Now, a year on, my 11 year old daughter is still really not keen on the whole thing (son who is a young teen isn’t so bothered but also not very interested in building a relationship). I’ve seen really similar situations with other friends who have dated after divorce.

I honestly think that before most kids are grown up enough to be seriously interested in boyfriends or girlfriends themselves (so 15/16 on), it’s probably too soon to expect them to be understanding about their parent having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it might work out fine and everyone just becomes a big happy new blended family but in my experience it is usually far more fraught than that.

I’ve been dating someone for two years, haven’t introduced or even told the kids about him and tbh don’t plan on mentioning it for probably another year at least.

He doesn't need to know anything about your love life. It isn't lying to him not to tell him you're dating. If he asks what you did while he was away, just tell him other things you did besides meeting a man.

He's probably panicked that you're going to move someone in to your home. You can also reassure him that won't happen.

Had your best friends dad completely abandoned his kids though? It's clear why ds is so upset about you dating, he's lost his dad and you're all he's got - he's absolutely terrified of losing you.

I don't think you should have told him you'd never lie to him OP, sometimes it's necessary for children to be protected from things by not knowing the whole truth/age appropriate truth. I also think it would have been better if you'd told him you were seeing a friend when you went out, he wouldn't be so worried then.

I couldn't leave him with the neighbour knowing how scared and worried he was, he needs to feel like your priority because he isn't anyone else's - but this is obviously a really difficult situation for you to juggle being a solo parent.

Few things to unpick there.

Yes, friends kids dad also abandoned them.

Promised I'd never lie, doesnt mean I'm honest about everything. I have been dating and he's had no idea.

He actually loves the neighbour. She's like his big sister and I have never left him upset.

If I ask him how he feels about me going out and is upset, I dont go. If hes fine, I book my neighbour in.

He doesnt even like me going out with a friend, and so I haven't.

As I said, can count on one hand the number of times I have left him and gone out.

Ive got a mature 9 year old and I wouldnt tell him I was dating someone and Ive been separated from his dad for over 8 years.

We’ve had conversations in the abstract about the possibility of me dating, provoked by couples we know splitting up/ moving on with new partners, but that’s the extent of the conversation I’ll probably ever have with him, before adulthood- and I’m pretty transparent about almost everything else. It feels very destabilizing I think to young kids, to think of their parents dating- so best kept private IMO.

Cant imagine introducing a partner to him before mid teens either - and wouldn’t ever move someone in before he was old enough to sensibly have a say, and then I’d go with his response as my guide. But appreciate not everyone agrees with this position.

It's why I say that I'm a solo parent rather than a single one. There are no grandparents or aunties and uncles either.
He's never had a sleepover, nor have I (!), and it's been finding time in the day, afternoons or early evening.
I've never missed a bedtime.

So hard, which is why I thought that maybe if he knew, it would make things easier. I'd quite like an evening date at some point 😫

I've spoken to him about him seeing his friends and that I'd like to see mine, but he says no. And I know he shouldn't be calling the shots, but it's so hard after seeing what his dad done to him and how broken my child was 😭

😬😬😬 I think its too soon to be bringing a man around girl, sorry x

I have no plans to bring him around or introduce them

You're in a tough spot OP.
It's fine to take his feelings into consideration but a 9 year old shouldn't be calling the shots.
If he doesn't want you to go out then you don't..ridiculous.

Is the ex your DS's dad? I'm confused because you say he's 10, but the previous relationship was six years? Or maybe I'm not reading it properly!

It's understandable that your son is anxious about you dating. But also understandable that you want to date.

The bit that sounds alarm bells for me is this:

I'm a solo parent who wants a partner, not just for me but I want my son to have a good male role model in his life.

No, no, no, no.

You can date. Do not bring another man into his life at this point or at any point ideally for the next eight years. It is far, far too early to be even thinking about this man playing a role in your son's life.

I'm sure your son would be more understanding around you dating if you made it clear that you will keep them separate. Tell him that this man will never try and take his Dad's place, he doesn't have to spend time with him, he won't live with you, he won't need to share you with him etc. Make your son confident in your commitment to putting him first (which is not auditioning new male role models 13 months after his Dad abandoned him!).

Well this last bit isn’t doing anyone any favours either- it’s really important that your DS sees that friendships (not using friendship as a euphemism for dating- I mean actual friendships) are an important part of adult life.

I think in your position I’d be working on building actual friendships into my life, and showing DS how that works as an adult-including you hosting adults as home, AND going out to spend time with other adults- and telling him that’s what you’re doing “I’m going for a walk with June” “I’m having dinner with Sarah” etc. - and keeping dating completely private.

Your 10 year old son does not need to know anything about your love/sex even social life. Dont discuss it with him, it’s completely unnecessary.

Start asserting your independence though… ‘I’ll be going out on Friday night and Sarah will be babysitting you. What movie would you like to watch that night with Sarah? What snacks would you like me to get in?’

You need time to yourself OP, and you deserve that time to yourself, but don’t discuss your dating with your son when you know it distresses him.

Strong disagree re: social life.

Children really need to see adult friendships modeled. My DM didn’t have ANY friends when I was a kid, I never saw her socialize with other adults (saw her date a lot though)- and consequently sort of “didn’t know” that adult friendships were important, especially in the context of motherhood, until I was well into it.

I don't know why people are saying this is a tricky situation, there's nothing tricky about it. You put your child first and stay single. That's all there is to it.

Very unfair on the man she is dating. Essentially you are telling OP to string him along as long as it suits her circumstances and he can be dropped if it doesn’t work out.

How on earth did you get that from that post?

Or she can just be clear with him about the kind of relationship she is and isn’t capable of providing and let him make up his own mind about whether that suits him too? That’s what I’ve done; it works for both of us.

I’m not saying for OP to keep her social life completely separate from her child… how sad, my DC have been raised around friends. However, I did go out and date and tell my DC the bare minimum, or even tell little white lies here and there. Your DC don’t need full transparency.