DS10 doesnt want me to date

[QuaintPearlNewt]

As the title says.

Long story which I'll try and keep brief.

Officially single for 13 months now but had been in a manipulative relationship for 6 years where I felt single while he was having his affair. (Prior to the affair he was a hands on dad).

My ex hasnt had contact with our son since the final split, so it's just been us.

I want to date but my son is dead against it. He gets so worked up, proper sobbing.

I have casually secretly dated but now I've met someone I really like who could be long term.

On one hand I want to just tell my son that it's not his decision but on the other I cant stand to cause him so much upset.

I also know parents that have lost contact with their child/ren from not listening to the feelings regarding a new partner.

I honestly dont know what to do.
My ex is living his best life with his girlfriend and I'm a solo parent who wants a partner, not just for me but I want my son to have a good male role model in his life.

“stay single until your child is an adult” really? I think this borders into martyrdom and isn’t realistic with many adults wants and needs. Child first - yes. But child over everything you might want for yourself - no.

Carry on dating this man but take it very very slowly. Be honest with your son. Keep telling him how much you love him. Hug him and listen to him but don't put your life completely on hold for him.

I would listen to your son. He’s clearly a bit traumatised from what happened with your last relationship. This might not be a popular opinion on here, but I think the child should get a say in who you date eg. If they genuinely don’t like your partner, I don’t think the parent should continue dating them. I have a 5 yo DS and have been dating someone for nearly a year but DS has no idea about him. I’m not prepared to introduce them until I’m as sure as it’s possible to be that this relationship is going to last (forever ideally). I’m not prepared to have men coming in and out of his life. I don’t plan on introducing my bf & son for another year. If the dynamics between them don’t work or DS genuinely doesn’t like him or bf isn’t good with DS I’ll get rid. My son always comes first

Oh man I feel for you. I was in exactly the same position as you. My XH left us for the OW and ceased contact. My DC struggled with this understandably. DS quite quickly was all for me meeting someone new but for the wrong reasons - he wanted an instant new dad. DD was like your DS and was terrified of me meeting someone else and leaving her. Despite all my reassurances that I would never ever leave them she couldn’t get over the fear and at times when I attempted to have a relationship I had to break them off as she really couldn’t cope. It wasn’t easy either as like you I had nowhere to go with a new partner anyway as DC were always with me! Now as an adult she hates that she did this to me as in the end I gave up and am still on my own after 17 years. She did feel responsible even though I kept telling her she wasn’t, she was a child etc etc. She’s ok with it now but it did take some time and she can see I am happy overall. I suppose what I’m trying to say is try and find a way round it. Your DS will grow up and leave home at some point and you could end up on your own which is great if you want that but not when you don’t. Your happiness counts too!
Maybe child counselling? School was able to help with some post divorce low key therapy so there may be something out there? I wish I had found a solution as although I am happy in my life I would rather not be on my own. Could you enlist your best friend and her DC to help. Let your DS see the positives of her new partner in their lives, that her DC are still her priority, get DC to join in with fun and games with you and them as a family unit )all go bowling, paint balling, karting or something where men turn into giant kids), babysit for each other etc. introduce your new man as a friend when you are ready and let them build a relationship slowly with your dc too, be mindful to show attention to your DS when new partner is there to show he is still number 1!
I used to pay for a babysitter so if you can find someone as well as your neighbour that would give you time but I know it can be expensive. Could DS go for a sleepover at your friends house and you return the favour?
sorry probably not much help but I do get where you are coming from and hope you are able to make it work. I regret not trying a bit harder. Always put DC first but I wish I had explored other ways to get round it.

I'm sorry you've both had such a tough time.

While I understand the impulse, I think that by promising never to lie to him / overstating details of your life you are treating him like an adult and actually a bit like a boyfriend.

He's a child - tell him you love him, set clear boundaries of behaviour, allow him to talk about his feelings - but also hold boundaries.

I think that by adjusting your behaviour because he gets upset that you see going out, you are actually creating a frightening situation for him, whereby his security comes from controlling you and keeping you to himself - this is not healthy because it's impossible for you to be a life long security blanket. A child's security comes from love, clear boundaries and being helped to navigate the world with all its uncertainties.

I'd change things up today. Make a point of asking him about his life and what he wants to do when you're together, gently but firmly maintain your privacy in other areas, be kind but firm when he has meltdowns, come up wit some stock phrases to close down enquiries about your life and move the conversation on.

Not continuing a long term relationship with someone who doesn't get on with your kids is perfectly reasonable, but the OP is no where near this, she's just dating. Giving her son too much info about her personal life is going to make his distress worse not better, he needs boundaries to feel secure, like any child.

A boyfriend is a want, not a need.

If it upsets him this much then why not wait a few years? He’s clearly already traumatized by his parents’ actions. Why compound his insecurity? No one ever died from not dating and the focus should be on his mental health.

Is he receiving professional counseling?

Strongly agree with both of @TiredofLDN ’s posts about modelling friendships.

Would counselling help OP? Your DS sounds very anxious, poor lad, obvs due to his dad buggering off and being a cunt. Sometimes I really hate men.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that in your shoes I would not pursue the issue and keep things as they are for the time being. You’re allowed a sex life but that’s private, not for your DS to know about.

Don't try and introduce him to a new man whilst the situation is like this.

It’s actually, for single women, unless you can hold the boundary of not moving in/ progressing the relationship for many years, the only real way of ensuring your child’s safety.

Violence against and abuse of children by stepparents is a well researched area of criminal justice, and although it’s not to say that all step parents are by any stretch abusive, the risk of your children being abused is significantly higher when you introduce a step parent- specifically a step father- into the family unit.

This is the issue. Single mum with a 10 year old too. If DS isn't seeing his dad you can understand him feeling like this OP.

Do not share your dating life with your child and keep it very separate.

I'm not a solo parent, but I'm the only responsible parent.

I think that the trick to getting quality adult time off is to have the kids be keen to do things which you then agree to. Babysitters do work too for me, but the other way round is the better dynamic and the kids feel happier about it.

So, I'd think about joining cubs, talking about pgl, thinking about school trips, inviting his friends for sleepovers etc. At some point you'll start getting requests like "can I go on cub camp?" or "can I sleep at Fred's on Saturday night" and you can say yes.

I date a bit but keep it completely seperate from the kids. Once or twice they've asked me if I go on dates and I've been honest, but I never raise the conversation. If they ask what I did when they were at x's house, I'll say something like "went for dinner at x pub. I had a lamb roast which was delicious". It helps that I don't ever intend for someone to move in, so there's never been any hurry for them to meet someone.

😂 my post literally says want. C- on reading comprehension.

I had to read it twice, but I think OP meant that she and her ex were together for longer, but for the last 6 years of that relationship, her ex was having an affair.

So I think her ex is the father of her 10 year old son.

(But I might be wrong.)

Ohh okay, in your op you mentioned him having a good male role model

Its understandable tbh that he doesnt want you to date tbh - he is a bit young

I just think revisit the idea in a year or so

Your post says wants and needs. U for memory.

My nine year old took it badly at first but now he loves him. Gently does it but keep at it.

Maybe focus less on dating for now and start by inviting your friends over sometimes - your son can be around and see you chatting about stuff he'll probably find boring / irrelevant and that you share snacks and maybe watch a film and then your friends go home again. I'd avoid people getting drunk if that's something his father did, but otherwise this is a way for him to get used to you having friends.

From there you can arrange to go to X friends house or out for an activity with friends. If later on some of those times out are with people he doesn't know you have omission rather than lying: 'meeting a friend, no it's not someone you know'.

Worth explicitly reinforcing that it's good for both of you to have friends in addition to your relationship with each other.

Also think about social activities you can do together with a group - religious things are good for this if you're religious, some sports activities might fit.

Your son shouldn’t know you are dating, especially in such early days. To be honest, he’s only 2/3 years away from being able to go out and spend more time with friends and become more independent himself. Why can’t you make the most of these last couple of years where he wants to spend time with you, and then start dating when he’s showing more interest in spending time with his friends? He’s clearly upset and insecure. What’s the rush. Before you know it he won’t still be a boy, he will be a teen and will want to do his own thing and then you will have much more free time on your hands. Can you put dating off for now, while you’re in such a difficult situation with not actually having the freedom to date properly?

Growing up with step parents and step siblings sucks. It really does. I know people who have “blended families” will come along and say it’s working for them, but my experience of it as a child is it is rough. And I had great step parents.

You always feel like a spare part. Like a reminder to your parents of a relationship they are glad to be out of. That’s amplified when your Mum brings a new man into the situation, along with his kids and then they have another kid together.

It’s important your son learns to feel secure in your unconditional love for him, but he does also need to learn that it’s important that you both have other people. Family, friends and eventually yes, a man for you who doesn’t have to be involved in your son’s life at all of that’s not what he wants.

Of course your son doesn't want you to date- he wants to be the centre of your life until the day you die, but is that what you want?
Why on earth are you asking your 10 year old son's permission to carry on with your life?
Carry on with your relationship and if he gets worked up insist he goes to counselling- it simply isn't healthy to let him dictate like this.

I’m both a parent and a step parent, and I don’t agree at all with the people saying you should stay single and not introduce a new partner until the kids are grown up etc. Yeah of course take things slowly, make sure the kids are ok and understand how loved they are. But parents deserve to be happy too, and kids benefit from having happy parents and stable homes. Sometimes those stable homes come with blended families and new partners. Sometimes that throws up challenges. Other times it’s a great and enriching experience for everyone involved. When my husband and I moved in together my son was 10. He loved my then boyfriend being around, and to this day he’s still convinced the whole moving in thing was his idea, which we love. You don’t have to be a martyr OP. You deserve to be happy.

Tbh it sounds like you have bigger issues than your DS not wanting you to date. Sounds like he has abandonment issues. He’s not only unhappy about you dating but also something so innocent as seeing friends. I’d focus on this for now. You’re entitled to a life so there’s no harm in keep seeing this guy, your son doesn’t need to know for now until it is serious but where he’s concerned I’d definitely get help

All kids are different, so don’t compare to others. Poor kid has nobody secure in his life except you. He’s terrified, petrified. He’s so young. All you can do is stay single for a few years until he’s a teenager & more mature and can handle it. Then you have 50+ years of carefree dating. Put your child first. Besides, I know plenty of cases where the parent introduces a new partner who themselves disappear after a year or so. Which sets an unhealthy precedent for a small kid with a revolving door of new partners they get attached to. Also, you shouldn’t be telling your kid about your dating. They have no concept of it & you’re the parent.